Category Archives: homeschooling

Building sense of responsibility, competence, confidence in children

homeschooling, parenting

I’m in the happy situation of currently reading aloud to my children two of my all-time favorite books – the Little House on the Prairie series, and Understood Betsy, by Dorothy Canfield.  A couple of days ago when I read one of the chapters, it struck me how similar some of the underlying messages of the books are.

Yesterday a reporter emailed me some questions to flesh out an interview for a magazine I had done with her about homeschooling, a week after Yirmiyahu was born.  Insightful and valuable as her questions are, I won’t have time to respond in detail to them, but they really underscore the same indirect underlying message of the two chapters that I wanted to share with you.  I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I received the questions that relate to the topic I was planning to post about today!  The questions were, how do you go about:

1) developing a sense of personal responsibility in children

2) developing a child’s natural curiosity and love of learning

3) instilling in the child a confidence in his unique abilities

In the second chapter of Understood Betsy, a young girl of nine is moving from her home where she has been extremely coddled and overprotected to living with her relatives who value independence and hard work.  In her very first interaction with them, she’s handed the reins to the horses and told to go ahead and drive home.  City girl that she is, she has no clue how to handle them.  But since her uncle who is with her is seemingly unaware of her inability to drive the wagon and busies himself with something else, she has no choice but to try.  And after a bit, she figures out what to do.

This happens again and again throughout the book, that she’s given opportunities to do age appropriate activities on her own or with strategic guidance from adults, and it’s fascinating to watch the transformation of an insecure, dependent, incompetent little girl into someone who thinks for herself and trusts in her ability to find solutions and get things done.

Similarly, in Farmer Boy (third book in Little House series), Almanzo is given a yoke for a calf for his tenth birthday.  His father leaves him with two young calves and tells him he’s sure he’ll figure out how to train them using his new yoke.  Initially, Almanzo is mystified about how to go about this but through trial and error, he figures it out.

Both children experience tremendous pride in themselves when they figure out on their own what they needed to do.  What was it that the adults around them did that led them to their discoveries, to building their sense of responsibility, competence, and confidence?

1) Firstly, loving adults in their lives knew what the task required and knew it was within the abilities of the children.  It’s important to give children opportunities to stretch themselves, but not to give them something so impossibly difficult that they’ll give up in despair.  And it’s also important not to give them something so easy that their abilities aren’t respected or recognized.  (To clarify, I’m talking about when giving over jobs for the sake of building character. Sometimes a job needs to be done and even if it’s boring or repetitive for a child – eg sweeping the floor, washing dishes – that’s okay.  But you wouldn’t want all of the tasks you give your child to fall into this category.)

2)  The tasks the children were given were real and meaningful.  No one finds busywork satisfying, and children can quickly recognize when they’re doing something of inherent value and when they’re having something fobbed off on them to keep them busy.  They got built-in feedback about what they were doing was working or not (the animals didn’t go where they were supposed to go or do what they were supposed to do).

3) Lastly, the adults didn’t hover around, giving suggestions or giving the message that they as adults knew what to do and how to do it.  They gave the children the clear message that they trusted them to figure out something new, and gave them plenty of time and space to work it out.  They didn’t within five or fifteen minutes return and start questioning if the children needed adult assistance or tell them the best way to get the job done.  They stayed out of the way.

This is a hard thing to do, particularly in this day and age.  We want so much to be helpful and encouraging that we easily co-opt the responsibility for the task by being overly involved.  The reality is, however, that only one person can accept responsibility for something at a time.  If your child knows that you’re still taking responsibility for the job you gave him, he’s not going to accept the responsibility for himself.  So sometimes we need to let go, to learn to sit on our hands or bite our lips or whatever we need to go to stay out of the way and let real life learning happen.

I think all of this is very relevant to modern day parents, though most of us don’t drive wagons or have farm animals that need training!  And it’s also very relevant to the questions I was asked above about homeschooling.  Whether it’s regarding day to day chores around the house, homeschooling, or any other area that we want to encourage our children to develop healthy independence, we need to give our children opportunities that will stretch them, the opportunities should be meaningful, and we need to let them have responsibility for the success of the experience.

This isn’t just for little children!  As a parent of children ranging up to age nineteen, I continue to remind myself of these principles and come back to them in a variety of different circumstances.

Avivah

Last day of school year

homeschooling

Today was the last day of school for dd11, ds9, and ds6.  (The high school finished last week and ds13 unfortunately doesn’t get much of a summer break.)  And what keeps running through my mind is, “Yippee!!  I’m free!!!!”

I’ve been looking forward to the summer so much, and I’m so glad to be released from the school schedule for two months.  I’m looking forward to the less structured and more relaxed days of the summer that will give me a chance to spend more time with the kids.  Now I just have to make a plan for the summer!

Avivah

Well, I can thank the ‘asifa’ for making my life so much better…

aliyah, homeschooling, parenting

I haven’t written anything about the widely touted Citifield ‘asifa’ (gathering) that took place in NY recently, in which the Torah world tackled the thorny issue of how to deal effectively with the challenges of the internet, since it isn’t the kind of topic that I address on my blog.  Little did I suspect that the asifa would have immediate consequences for my family in Israel so soon….

After three weeks of trying to reach her, I finally spoke with the principal of the high school that looked like the best match for dd15 for the coming year.  Realize that to get anyone to even speak to me about transferring a student in the middle of her high school years is very difficult, since many schools have a policy that they don’t allow any transfers during high school.  Combine that with the agreement some of them have with the local high school not to accept girls from our city, in order to keep the local girls attending school locally.  Not easy.  But finally today I spoke with this principal.

My overwhelming impression of this principal is very positive – she is very caring and warm, and my feeling is that she’s a quality person who my daughter would gain tremendously from being around.  If weren’t for the topic under discussion, I’d say I enjoyed speaking to her.  To start our conversation, she said, “Tell me, do you have the internet?”  To which, naturally, I said, “yes”.  (I know, some of you are banging your heads at my idiocy since I’ve repeatedly been told to lie about this question.)  I explained to her that my husband works from home using the internet, that I write online, and that our children Skype their grandparents in the US before Shabbos.

I also told her that I had been told I’d have to lie about this for my child to be accepted, and that if my daughter can only be accepted under false pretenses, that it’s not the right fit for us.  She appreciated my honesty and then told me that in the past (ie until a couple of weeks ago), they would probably have allowed in a family like us who uses the internet in the way that we do.  But now, since Rav Wosner said at the recent asifa that schools aren’t allowed to accept students from homes that have the internet under any condition, they can’t go against his ruling.  As she put it, this has shifted the internet from ‘a‘ question about admittance, to ‘the‘ question, the central issue around which acceptance to a school revolves.

We ended on a warm note (no sarcasm, she really was lovely and it didn’t hurt that she told me what a pleasant person I was :)), with her saying they’ll send me the rules of the school and we’ll see if we can abide by all of that once we understand what it entails, and after that, they’ll ask a rabbi to decide if they can allow our daughter in after telling him the specific details of our family and internet use.  The school rules are binding on the family, not just the student, and I’m hesitant to use the pull I think it will take to get dd in if we’re already at a disadvantage before proceeding any further.

I was really upset when I got off the phone.  Not with the principal.  I understand her position totally.  I was upset that because of this very recent proclamation,  my daughter, who is in everyone’s opinion a top great girl in every way – religiously, spiritually, academically – won’t be considered by any charedi school for the coming year (assuming they take the same position on this).

I find this entire situation somewhat ironic.  I’ve always been very conservative when it comes to electronic entertainment and media – but I’ve never made it a religious issue.  I simply don’t think these are good for the developing brains of children, and can be detrimental to adults unless used very carefully.  This has been my position for years, long before the internet was an issue – eg no television, handheld Textris type games, Gameboys, extremely limited academic computer games (eg the littles get to play on Starfall for a short time every few weeks) – I don’t even have a basic cell phone!

So my kids have grown up in a technological world but constantly hearing that the technology is a tool that has to be used carefully to be helpful and beneficial.  Now, I think the internet is an amazing resources.  Not only my husband and I, but now also my teens, regularly use the internet to access Torah lectures online – this is just about the only thing that ds18 and dd15 use the internet for.  I’ve learned lots about health, nutrition, spirituality, parenting and so many other things that have made me a better person – all via the internet.  But I’m not naive and I understand the negatives.

Can the internet be misused? Obviously.  Can it become addictive?  Absolutely. Will getting a really good filter or banning it from your home entirely keep your children from accessing the really bad stuff that people are afraid of?  No way.

Being that the Torah sages of our generation are elderly and it’s unlikely they have personal experience with the internet , I wonder if their advisors have fully explained the scope of what the internet is and how many positive ways people are using it.  (I hope this doesn’t come across as disrespectful; it’s not meant in that way at all.)  How the internet is everywhere and how it’s used for everything from shopping to banking to communication to work.  How banning it in the house doesn’t mean a child can’t easily get access somewhere else.  Do they understand that a teenager can easily purchase a small digital device that could be hidden from their parents and hook into the free wifi at public places, or even within their own homes (if they have neighbors who have unsecured wifi, as we do)?  I attended a workshop for parents about the dangers of technology several years ago, in which the rabbi speaking shared that kids know so much more than their parents about technology, that parents have no idea how easy it is to get access to various online venues.  He told us specifics of how easy it was for kids to get around even very good filters, as well as lots of other information of concern.

How can we possibly build the wall high enough to keep out the internet?  I so strongly feel that part of our responsibility as parents is to give our children the tools they’ll  need to navigate the outside world both as youngsters and as they enter the adult world.  I feel we must, must, must teach our children to understand and respect the internet as the powerful tool it is, to model using it in an appropriate and positive way.  And we have to be very careful not to turn it into the forbidden fruit – because when something is put off limits, it gains a certain appeal that makes it much more dangerous.

Right now this is particularly distressing because I don’t know what the other options are – after research on different schools in the north, this was the only school that we felt was a serious consideration – but right after putting down the phone, I ‘happened’ to get an email from a blog reader in the north with contact information about a couple of schools that I didn’t yet know about.  So the search continues….

Avivah

Edited four hours later to add – I just received a private email from a reader concerned about my posting on this topic:

>>I appreciate that you’re in a difficult predicament, but denigrating Gedolim on a public blog is a terrible chillul Hashem.  There’s a mitzvah aseh in the Torah to listen to our Torah leaders, and this mitzvah is very important and the punishment for violating it is severe.  <<

I’m truly sorry that I came across in this posting as denigrating our Torah leaders, for whom I only have the most tremendous respect.  I go back and forth in my own mind about how to post about topics such as these, or if I should post on topics like these, because I don’t want to be seen as being critical.  On my blog, I attempt to share my thoughts about what seem to me to be important issues and I try to do it respectfully – though clearly despite my efforts, comments such as these show me that I’m not succeeding in that regard.  Until now, I’ve felt that there was a value in bringing up these points for discussion, particularly as these are important issues for those considering aliyah or in the earlier stages of aliyah to be aware of.  If what I’m writing is being construed by others as being critical or condemnatory then I have to rethink this.

>>But frankly I think writing about your views on these subjects is the wrong thing to do.  It’s a chillul Hashem both for your Jewish readers and non-Jewish readers.  Why should you say lashon hara about the frum communities here?  Yes, there are problems, and these problems bother me as well, but writing about them is treading into dangerous territory.  Loshan hara on a whole group of Jews is very hard to do teshuva for.  In my humble opinion, I think that you should keep discussion of these issues between you and your husband, or whoever you need to talk l’toeles, but you should not discuss them on the blog. <<

You may be right, and I appreciate you sharing your opinion with me.  I’ve tried to avoid controversy, negativity, gossip, etc on my blog, but at a certain point, if you share your thoughts on something of significance, someone who takes a different position is going to disagree with you and tell you that you aren’t being respectful of them.   This is a very hard balance and perhaps one that I’ve erred in…

Looking for girls’ high schools

aliyah, homeschooling

Dd15 has been an amazing sport about her school experience this year, but to say it’s been far from ideal is to dramatically understate it.  She’s been in the school’s most difficult class since their founding, and though there have been substantial efforts on the part of the administration to deal with the underlying issues, there haven’t been significant improvements.

So we’re now searching for another option for her for the coming year.  The challenge is that in Israel, everything is very religiously polarized.  I like the school she’s in now very much – the administration is charedi, but the student body is a mixture of girls from homes of different religiosity.  There’s an openness and acceptance of the girls that I think is important, and I wish that there was a way she could continue there.  But short of moving up or down a grade, that’s not a possibility.

Two different schools have been recommended: the first is a Bais Yaakov in Haifa, and the two teachers who know her best have both made this recommendation.  It’s taken a week but I’ve been able to be in touch with the school and finally got a name and the direct extension of the person to talk to.  Maybe tomorrow will be the lucky day I manage to reach that contact.  🙂  I’m not thrilled about dd having to commute so far daily (not to mention the significant added expense) but the recommendation of these teachers is something I value.

A neighbor who knows our family and this daughter well strongly recommended another school, and gave me a phone number for a teacher who works there.  I called her tonight, then spoke to a parent who sent two daughters to this school, and I literally feel sick to my stomach.  Dd15 and ds13 came into my room right after these calls and asked me why I looked so depressed.

You know why?  Because I can’t stand the kind of attitudes I’m hearing, and the idea of having to put my child in a place where this considered normal and acceptable, and even desirable really disturbs me – namely the exclusive, judgmental, narrow minded attitude that being a good person means conforming to very narrow external guidelines.  (I hope to write another post about this issue in depth, regarding bringing teenagers on aliyah and the cultural divide that you encounter between the American and Israeli approaches to being an Orthodox Jew.)

The teacher kept trying to to assess dd with questions like who the girls in her class are rather than answer my questions about the school, and though she was very pleasant, her comments all implied negative judgments of others that aren’t living according to a strict Israeli charedi definition of Judaism.  One statement that was representative of the entire conversation was when she told me the school is unlikely to accept dd15 because dd17 uses the internet and might ‘corrupt’ her younger sister (without knowing a thing about dd17 and notwithstanding that dd15 doesn’t use the computer).

The mother who sent her daughters there was overflowing with praise for how wonderful the school is and how they only take good girls from the best homes.  “What constitutes the best homes?” I ask.  Families who are “keeping the house clean”, I’m told.  Being that I like clarity rather than ambiguous statements like this, I ask what this means specifically.  I wasn’t surprised at the answer – it was pretty much what I expected – but what I was dismayed about was what she told me right after that.  This isn’t the first time I’ve heard the approach she was telling me was the norm, but I’m having a very, very hard time reconciling it with my idea of what it means to live a life of integrity as a Torah Jew.

Here’s what I mean.  She said, if people have a computer, they keep it quiet.  Me: “You mean, they lie when they are asked if they have a computer?”  Her: “Yes.”  But, she continued, “You’re not really lying.  If your daughter doesn’t use the computer, then it’s like you don’t have a computer.”  I said that approach would present me with a challenge to my sense of integrity.  She said (and she’s not the first to tell me this): “Everyone does it.  You’re living here now and you have to forget your ideas of how things work.  You have to learn to play the game, say ‘yes’ to what everyone else says yes to, and then do what you want.  It’s not about being truthful, it’s about what you believe in.”  I was very subdued when I thanked her for her perspective and hung up.

Dd15 is a wonderful girl, and I think that any school would be lucky to get her.  Really.  (Her teacher at a meeting last week told me, meeting my older girls caused her to reevaluate her long held beliefs about education and parenting.  Why?  Because “the school system can’t and doesn’t produce girls like yours”.)  She’d have no problem going along with all their rules, and her code of dress and behavior are already in line with what the school demands.  She really wants to grow and have a religiously strong peer group. And it does sound like the school has a very warm and positive approach to Judaism and to the girls.

So what’s my problem?  I feel very conflicted, because in so many ways we share the values of this school.  And in so many ways, I want to run screaming as fast as I can in the other direction.  Do I really have to deny my basic sense of honesty and decency to get my child into a good school?  They say that in order to acclimate when you move here, you have to be willing to do what everyone around you is doing, but I like who I am, I like who my children are, and I think it would be a real loss to just go along with the crowd when I don’t see any benefits in terms of the long or short term results of that approach.

Tomorrow I’ll give this school a call and speak with them directly, and will probably go ahead and visit there for the sake of doing our research (unless they tell us our family isn’t ‘clean’ enough first).  And I’ll call the other school (which is currently the only other option) and see about arranging a visit there.  This entire process has meant tremendous inner conflict because there are substantial philosophical issues involved in making these choices that have long term impact, but I’m hopeful that we’ll find an option that will be a decent choice for dd.

Avivah

Real life learning for littles at the playground

homeschooling, parenting

Sorry I haven’t been posting much lately – I’ve started giving a weekly class on the Torah portion of the week (initially I didn’t intend to give this more than once a month but am really enjoying it) and have three older kids that need help in finding a different educational framework for the coming year (which honestly I’m not making much progress on yet).  I’m also planning to start a new parenting workshop here in Karmiel next week.  So though I have many things to share about, there’s not much time to do it!

This week right after my class ended, my husband brought the littles to meet me at the park near where the class was held.  It was a very crowded time, but that’s the main reason I wanted to be there, since I knew there would be people I’d enjoy speaking to that I don’t usually get to see.  The littles set off to the playground equipment to play, but ds4 soon came to me in tears.

He told me that it wasn’t fun to play there, that there were big girls (a group of ten year olds) who were taking over the play equipment.  I know he prefers to go to quiet parks where he can enjoy himself without older children racing through the play structures, pushing the little kids to the side, and I generally take him at times and places that we’ll all enjoy ourselves.  After all, it’s pretty reasonable for a child to want to have fun when they go somewhere to have fun, don’t you think?

Interestingly, I was talking to a preschool teacher when he came over to me, and she right away said, “That’s how life is, he has to get used to it now.”  It’s interesting because he didn’t ask me to do anything, to take him home – all he said was it wasn’t fun for him because of the older kids playing at the same time.  All he needed was a little bit of validation and understanding that this wasn’t a framework that he felt good in.  Sometimes it seems adults are so resistant (afraid?) of giving children any room to experience their emotions.  In this situation, I realized there wasn’t anything to be gained at that moment by discussion, so I agreed with her that children need to learn how to deal with difficult situations.  I didn’t say that I thought that it would be harmful for them to learn it at that time and in that way!

Anyway, I take ds2 and ds4 to the park pretty regularly, at least a few times a week.  And generally it’s a very positive experience for all of us!  We regularly spend two and even three hours at a park where there’s no one there but us (sometimes ds6 is there, also), and I always love watching the emergent learning process in action.  We usually go to what we call ‘the corner park’, a park just a couple of buildings away from us.  It’s a very simple playground, nothing that you would think could hold the attention of young children for long.  It had a climbing structure with one swing, a couple of slides, and a huge sand pit – and usually they don’t play with any of the playground equipment.

Last week when I took them, I was watching them play while listening to children in a private gan (playgroup) a couple of houses away, and it was so interesting to contrast the type of experiences children approximately the same age were having, especially since so many people think that children in a home framework are unstimulated.

During our most recent visit to the park, I sat on the bench the entire time – ie, I wasn’t involved in initiating or structuring any of their activities.  Most of the time ds2 (almost three) and ds4 were interacting, sometimes they were playing independently of one another and having their own experience.  (It’s important for children to have time of their own to just be without having to interact with others, even siblings.)  While we were at this simple little park for a couple of hours a few days ago, here’s some of what they experienced:

  • dug in the sand
  • found and collected rocks
  • wrote letters on the brick sidewalk with chalkstone they found in the sandpit
  • experimented with chunks of concrete with little pebbles cemented to it how to get the little pebbles separated from the concrete, throwing it until they broke apart and had little pieces (they had a strong feeling of accomplishment with this!)
  • climbed a tree
  • rode scooters
  • blew a recorder (one of them brought it to the park)
  • found dried seed pods that fell from the tree, opened them up, collected and counted the seeds
  • chased butterflies
  • stopped to listen to the birds singing, speculated about what they might be saying
  • gathered plastic containers from the recycling container nearby to use as sand toys
  • filled the recycled bottles with water from the fountain
  • made sand structures with wet sand
  • watched an airplane go by, talked about the difference between helicopters and airplanes and what they are used for
  • swung on the swing
  • picked flowers and blew on the petals to see if they would fly away
  • were given a couple of small boxes by a man going by, and used them to make molds for their sand ‘chocolate’
  • watched the ants working and carrying small bits of food and leaves to their homes

This is just a sampling of a typical visit to the playground, and it’s filled with so many discoveries and exciting things for small children.  (And if you want to be academic about it, there was science, social studies, math, writing, language arts and physical education happening.  :))  I love taking them to outdoor spaces when there aren’t loads of people around – there’s something about the outdoor air and the general sense of quiet that absorbs excess energy and allows children to center themselves, when they aren’t distracted by other people.  For children to really be able to learn, they have to  have their attachment needs fulfilled so that they have the extra emotional energy available to explore.

Conversely, you can go to the same park when crowded with children, and the experience will drastically shift.  Instead of allowing a child to discover inner quiet and make special discoveries, his energy becomes focused on navigating the inevitable social situations that arise.  That’s not to say that there isn’t a value in that – particularly if a parent is actively involved in guiding new social situations and limits the interactions when they see the child is past the point of gaining anything, it can be positive.  Sometimes a child will find or make a friend and it can be a great time for them!  But you can see how, for example, for ds4 above, he was in a situation of trying to protect his boundaries (emotionally and physically), having to compete with others for space or attention, and not only was there no space for learning to happen, there was no space for him to even have fun.

I’m in no way suggesting that there’s only a value in going outside when no on else is there!  What I do want to share is how for meaningful emotional, social or academic growth to happen, a child has to be in a place where he feels secure and connected to the adults in charge, and has to have space for independent experiences that aren’t orchestrated and controlled by adults.  This is so easily accomplished in a relaxed outdoor setting.

How can you know when a child is primed for learning?  When we pay attention to and respect our children’s cues, it becomes very obvious when this is happening, by watching their body language and listening to what they tell us.

Avivah

Two little kids, pregnant, and overwhelmed – a response

homeschooling, parenting
>>I have two kids two and under and just found out i’m expecting my third (my mom doesnt even know!), and I feel so totally overwhelmed. I’m nauseous and tired and most days I wake up wishing it was the time my husband comes home. My daughter doesn’t nap (shes 2 and a half) and my baby (11 months) usually has to spend his days napping on the go bc i’m trying to keep my toddler occupied. I feel guilty he doesn’t get the right amount of sleep (i’m crying just thinking about it). I feel guilty I can’t stay calm most times she decides to hit/bite her little brother just as she sees me slightly occupied. I feel guilty I don’t know how to handle her tantrums most times. And worst, I feel guilty that I spend most of my day wishing they would just leave me alone. I look tired and down, and I hate that because I’m usually cheerful and happy. 

But I feel the most guilty that I can’t imagine how people homeschool, and that I think I’m turning into the mother who can’t stand being around her kids. The mother who is relived the kids are going back to school after one day off. The one who cringes at the thought of the kids being home for one whole week during summer break in between camp. I don’t want to turn into that mother!

The worst is that I don’t just want to send them to a daycare because I can’t handle things. I feel like a child should be at home until the age of 3. Though at this point I’m seriously considering sending my daughter somewhere for half a day.

I just don’t know how you did it! How did you possibly homeschool while your family was growing? It feels so impossible and daunting.  As much as I love the idea of homeschooling, I really don’t think it’s for me. But I do want to do the best thing for my children now and being a miserable mom isn’t helping. Do you have any piece of advice for me?<<

The very first thing I’m going to say is, don’t compete and compare.  When I’m feeling under the weather, thinking about everyone who is more competent than me just depresses me!

Realize that everyone has challenges, and just because you think someone is doing so much better than you, it may or may not be accurate.  Fifteen years ago, I had three young children (ages newborn, 20 months, 37 months).  At that time, my days were non-stop work and I didn’t feel especially relaxed at any point until my children were asleep.  I would go out with them and think to myself how everyone I passed was clearly managing so much better than I was, because everyone looked so happy and content.  And then I suddenly realized, if someone looked at me, they’d be thinking the same thing!

Sometimes in our minds we set people up to be much more perfect and saintly than they can every possibly be in real life.   It helps to remember that everyone has their struggles, and everyone has their tough times.  If we didn’t, there would be no purpose in us being here in this world, since our souls were put here to grow from our challenges.

You can only do the best you can with the tools you have right now.  Some people have more physical or emotional resources than others, and sometimes you yourself will have more or less ability to accomplish what you want than you do right now.  Live the stage of life that is in front of you, doing the best you can.  All you can do is take the next right step.  Sometimes we look too far in advance, and it doesn’t help us.  While I think it’s important to look to the foreseeable future to think about what you’ll encounter so that you can be more prepared when you get there, that’s only advisable if you can actually do something today that will make tomorrow better.

Trust that tomorrow will come, that better and easier days and stages will come.  In some ways it’s easier for me now with nine children than it was with three very young children.  At that point, I couldn’t imagine coping with a bigger family (I dreaded the thought of more children, to be quite honest), since I had my hands full taking care of the family I had!

When you’re pregnant, realize that it’s not really a good time to assess your abilities.  During the first trimester of this pregnancy, I had to consciously remind myself that I’m a competent person who was legitimately very low energy right then.  Without that, my negative mental recording would start playing over and over, focusing on all that I wasn’t doing in the way I felt I should be able to do it.  When we’re at our worst, it’s not the time to make blanket assumptions about who we really are.  Our true self is our highest self; the lower self is just a mask.

Your children are so young!  You don’t have to think about homeschooling them!  Don’t wonder how anyone does it.  Just think about getting through each day with all of you in one piece.  At tough times, that’s an accomplishment to strive for!   When they’re old enough to think about this, you’ll be in a different stage of life and have developed different coping strategies.

I don’t want to tell you to put your children in daycare to give yourself a break – this is a very individual decision – but I do think that you can give yourself a huge break by letting go of the guilt.  It doesn’t serve any productive purpose.   Unrealistic expectations of oneself can be as oppressive and real as a physical load on our shoulders.  The burden we place on ourselves when we tell ourselves we ‘should’ be able to do this or ‘should’ be able to do that is very often abusive, and very rarely productive.  To borrow a twelve step program slogan, “Stop ‘shoulding’ on yourself!”

When you can do more, you will do more.  If that time isn’t now, be as accepting and loving to yourself as you possibly can.  We women hold standards for ourselves that are damaging because they set us up for failure before we even start!

Avivah

What’s so great about schools?

homeschooling

Lately I’ve been thinking constantly about schools – primarily, I keep asking myself, what’s so good about them that justifies keeping my kids there for next year?

This past week we had all the things that people use as an example of how great schools are – school trips for a couple of kids, a major school performance for another one, and a school birthday party for another.  I feel like I should be glowing over how lucky they are to have these experiences.

But I don’t.  While I’m grateful for everything positive that they experience, I’m ambivalent.  Because I know that despite good schools staffed with good and caring people, there are so many wasted hours at school and so little that is being learned, that the social structure is unhealthy and not supportive of developing strong social skills and abilities (unless you consider the ability to conform to be an important skill).  I sat there watching the two hour performance of dd11’s grade, and I’m sure I was the only one in the large audience who was analyzing the value of being part of something like this against the much richer life that homeschooling offers, rather than just enjoying the experience.

I’m grateful for the school trips.  Since we don’t have a car now, traveling with our family has become an expensive and limited experience, so we stick with local outings around town.  I’m glad the kids can go to these fun places, especially since right now we can’t take them on those trips.  And it’s especially nice when the trips are included as part of the tuition that is already being paid.

So here are my conclusions about why to keep kids in school: they’ll probably learn to speak Hebrew more easily; they have more access to same aged kids (though this is no guarantee of meaningful friendships); they sometimes have redeeming activities like the above.  It’s legally and logistically easier for me.  And I ask myself a few times a day, do these things justify keeping my children in an institutional framework that I believe to be inherently stifling to the spirit and to healthy emotional development?

(To be clear, my concerns are with schools in general, and this isn’t specific to our local schools.  I think our local schools are quite good as far as things go, and am so appreciative for the warm and caring staffs at the religious schools our children attend.  But schools are based on a framework that inherently is flawed and encourages mediocrity.)

I read this article a week or so ago out loud to dd15, and after hearing the list of things that students learn in a regular classroom, she said to me, “That is so true.  Every single thing you read is so true.”  Then she went through point by point and gave me an example of how she sees this in school.  In case you’re wondering what we were discussing, here are some of the points that author Tess Bomac (who wrote about why she is leaving teaching to homeschool her child) made:

  • “The rules are always changing, and since you never know when the teacher is going to enforce them, try to get away with as much as you can until she starts screaming. Then blame your neighbor.
  • You don’t need to think about your education. The teacher will decide what you should learn, you’ll do the things that she decides matter, then she’ll give you a grade that represents how well you can follow arbitrary directions.
  • While the teacher can make mistakes and move deadlines all the time, you will be penalized if you misunderstand the directions.
  • Almost everything you learn is a measure of your docility, not your intelligence or your effort.
  • Working with others is more important than learning actual content. Group projects, no matter how unfair, inefficient, and tedious are here to stay, and if you complain about it taking 10 hours out of class to make a collage that demonstrates 15-minutes worth of learning, tough. Life isn’t fair.
  • Life isn’t fair, so thus it is okay for me to be unfair.
  • Don’t question textbooks, even though most of them are riddled with errors and omissions.
  • Learning is for school, school is painfully monotonous, so learning must be boring, too.
  • Learning is for school, so once the day ends, you’re free to do whatever you find fun.
  • Learning can only take place in hard plastic desks, in crowded classrooms, while being told exactly what to do.
  • Nothing is more important than fitting in. If you don’t fit in, there must be something wrong with you. Maybe you should buy some more accessories? Try a different hair style?
  • Reading in school? Are you crazy? We have to get ready for the state tests!”

That last point brings up something that happened today.  One of the kids brought home a test that she was told she needs to take (she hasn’t yet had to take any tests because her comprehension isn’t up for that.)  I had gotten a note from the school saying that this was an important school-wide test and everyone should urge their child to study hard so they’d do well.  Her tutor took her out for two periods and went over the actual test with her, and gave her a copy to take home to study.

Since it’s all in Hebrew, dd11 doesn’t understand what’s written well-enough to read it and answer on her own, even though she knows the material.  No problem – the test is multiple choice and so she’s memorizing the order of the answers for the twenty four questions.  And not only that, but at least a couple of other kids from English speaking homes (who came a couple of years ago and are now fluent in Hebrew) were given the same test to take home to ‘study’, and they’re doing the same thing.

Dd asked me before she started memorizing if this was cheating, that she didn’t feel right about it.  I told her it seems this is what the administration wants of her, so though it’s not meaningful learning, it doesn’t seem dishonest.  But what kind of message is this about the value of education??  It’s crystal clear to her and all the rest of our kids watching this that this isn’t about her learning or understanding, and that whatever the purpose of this test is, it’s incidental to her.

As much as I’d love to homeschool all the kids under the age of 13, I seem to be in limbo about making a decision for next year.  To a degree, that’s reasonable – I need to see how things go for the kids as they finish this year before drawing conclusions for next year.  And it would certainly be easier in a number of ways to leave them in school, particularly as they seem to pretty much be doing fine – I keep telling myself, as long as the schools do no harm, then it is enough.  But when I think of all the positive messages they could be getting by homeschooling, the emotional development and maturity that is supported without the external negative messages and pressures that need to be countered, the knowledge and skills they could acquire….my heart pulls at me.

So right now I have the discomfort of being in a place of indecision.  Last week I made the decision that they’d definitely homeschool.  Two nights ago I made the decision to leave them in school.  There are some cultural realities here that I haven’t mentally resolved which are making this difficult, and I don’t feel much certainty right now!

You know what my only consolation is?  I really come back to this one again and again.  That the school day here is short so there’s still a good amount of time when they get home.  And that most of the kids will have a nice long summer vacation.

Avivah

Ds4 is now out of preschool and at home

homeschooling, parenting

It’s amazing to me how many things I want to write about and how many things I either don’t get to or get to after a long time!

One of these things has been the process my four year old is going through in the last couple of months.  Beginning in February, he increasingly requested to stay home.  It was making mornings much less relaxed since he would be ready to go out the door, and would suddenly balk and refuse to leave. This made ds9 and dd11 feel pressured, since they walk him to school and didn’t want to be late for class.  Sometimes he’d get almost to school and suddenly something very small would happen, and he’d refuse to go to in and they’d have to bring him home.

I asked him about why he didn’t want to go, but he wasn’t really able to articulate it.  Which is normal, since he’s only four!  I let him stay home once a week, then twice a week, wanting to see where his feeling about not wanting to go to school was coming from.   He was happy to stay home even if it meant taking a long nap instead of doing fun activities at preschool.

So this continued through the month of February, with him staying home more and more often.  By the time we had our family trip to Tzfat at the end of February, he was staying home most of the week.  After that trip, ds4 went back to preschool just one more time a week later, for the Purim party at his school (which was held after school hours).

I know you’d think it would be a no-brainer for me to let him stay home full-time, being the long time homeschooler that I am, but it wasn’t.  I kept thinking that it will be easier for him next year if he starts kindergarten understanding and speaking Hebrew well; that’s the main reason I put him in preschool and I had to work through my conflicting thoughts about this.  It’s also very different not putting your child into school, than actively pulling them out of a framework – I really had no desire to  insult anyone and having to start explain myself.  In this country, having a 2.5 year old at home with you is strange, and having a four year old with you is so outside of the norm that I think most people have never seen it.

But I saw that ds4 really didn’t want to go to school, and saw no point in insisting a four year be somewhere that wasn’t serving his needs if I had a better option – so I decided to keep him home with me for the rest of the year.  (I waited a month before making this decision, to see if he just wanted to stay home occasionally or if the long term choice would be better.)  I called the school to stop payments, and one of the secretaries told me that I’m making a mistake, that next year is kindergarten and it’s so academic that he won’t be able to keep up if he’s not in preschool this year.  I politely told her that I have a child in the kindergarten this year and know exactly what the learning expectations are (actually, the kindergarten teacher is fantastic and all the learning is through games – she’s very against all the academic pressure that many kindergartens have), and I thought he would be okay.  (When I told dd15 about the secretary’s comment, she lifted an eyebrow and skeptically said, “He knows the English and Hebrew alphabets, his colors and numbers, and can do basic math – how is he not going to be ready for kindergarten?”)

I wondered about the secretary’s comment because it really didn’t seem logical to me, and what I think is that many people don’t really stop to question what their children are learning in school, or what the value of it is.  When I told her ds4 would be staying home with me, it prompted an instinctive response from her that I must be wrong if I was doing something different than what she did.  It wasn’t an unpleasant conversation because she’s a nice person, but it’s never fun to be told by someone (particularly someone who doesn’t really know you) that you’re being an irresponsible parent.  She also said she didn’t know if they’d be able to stop our monthly payments, and would speak to the person in charge about it.

A couple of days went by and I didn’t hear from them.  I really didn’t feel like pursuing this, but it had to be done so I called back and this time got a different secretary.  As soon as she heard my name – oh, my goodness, what a difference!  She started talking to me in such a friendly and warm way, but I was sure I didn’t know who she was.  I soon realized that the kindergarten teacher had told her just a short time before I called about her dilemma – she needed to leave half an hour early and after hours of calls the night before, she couldn’t find anyone to substitute for her – until I heard about it and volunteered to come in and help her out.  Who would have thought a tiny thing like that would be mentioned to anyone?

This secretary right away understood the situation and and made a special effort to call the person in charge at home, who was out that day, to get the financial piece straightened out for me.  So dd4 is officially now off the school books and I have the money that would have otherwise gone to tuition to use towards supplies for him at home.

So how is he doing at home?  He is so much happier and calmer.  Before we moved, I remember often thinking that he was so sweet it was hard to imagine ever getting upset with him.  He was just so full of love and cuddles all the time.  This is something that changed once he went to school, when we began seeing an upswing in resistance, defiance, and aggression.   Some of my older kids wanted me to clamp down on his behavior, but it has to be recognized that a child who feels very securely attached to you emotionally and one who is away for five hours a day are going to behave very different, and have to be responded to with the root issue in mind.  (I have to add here that the behaviors we were seeing are considered ‘typical’ issues for this age  – but what is typical is that most young children have too much separation and frustration in their lives, and it has to show up somewhere.)

Fortunately, I’m home in the mornings – it’s not like I have to be out of the house and I can’t have him home with me.  And I since I have ds2 at home, it’s not like I’m used to having the morning to myself, though having ds4 home definitely changes the dynamic.  Dh and I both feel grateful that we have the luxury of being able to do have him at home now.  So once it was clear that going to preschool wasn’t a good option for him, the logistics of making this decision were pretty easy; I realize that many parents wouldn’t be able to do this even if they wanted to and have no judgments about that.

What was the issue with school?  I wish I could elaborate on what I’ve seen in the preschools and why I feel they are a concern, but don’t want anyone who reads this locally to think I’m saying anything negative about his teachers, who are warm, caring, and dedicated.  One point I will share is that he was in a class of 33 other boys, and I don’t think he felt connected to those taking care of him – when you’re a teacher managing such a large group, your priority is on management, not attachment.  This is reality, not a criticism.  (And this can easily be an issue in a much smaller class.)

So it’s not surprising that he’d rather be home with me, where even if I only read him a book for five minutes and ignored him the next few hours, he’d have more emotional connection and security than he did in preschool (we spend a lot of time interacting together in the morning so I’m not saying that I ignore him but that even if I did, he’s still be coming out ahead).  It’s not surprising that with so much time to connect with me daily, that his frustration and aggression level dropped dramatically (ds13 said, ‘Wow, he’s such a nice kid again now that he’s staying at home!”) and that the supposed discipline issues kind of evaporated.  And now he falls asleep for a very long nap voluntarily every day about an hour before he used to come home from school –  so he’s consistently well-rested now.

What’s better for him about being at home? He feels loved and secure, and gets lots of time with me.  He doesn’t have to vie with a huge group of other kids for a minimal amount of attention.  He doesn’t get lost in the crowd as a result of being a well-behaved child (I saw this happen at the party we were on his final day – it was like he was invisible even when he was standing right where he was supposed to be, waiting to be noticed and responded to).

There’s absolutely no question that he can learn lots more at home than in preschool, in a much more fun and relaxed way.  He has lots of time for free play, we read and cook and clean together…it’s really nice when it’s so easy to change a troublesome situation and meet your child’s needs.  And it’s really nice to have him home.

Avivah

What is the role of a parent vis a vis the school?

aliyah, homeschooling

The following comment was posted in response to my last post, in which I shared about the limited amount of help that has been available to our children in the school system.

>>I’m sure that you are aware that you have taken a big risk moving your children here at this stage of their lives. I also hope that you acknowledge that no one is responsible for their integration here other than you.

Please forgive me for being so harsh about this. There are resources to help you but the ultimate responsibility rests with you, and not the school or the system.

As a fellow olah, I can only suggest that you shed any romantic idea that the “system” is going to take care of you and your children. You need a lot of support and most likely it will come through the networks that you build up yourself.<<

After seeing this comment, I realized that it might be helpful for me to clarify two points.  Firstly, what is the purpose of me sharing about my experience?  Secondly, to explain what I see as my role as a parent who is sending her children to school.  How much of their education is my responsibility, and how much is the school’s responsibility?

Though I share about many different topics here, I’ve been sharing about my aliyah experiences with the increasing awareness that a number of people considering making aliyah have begun to read my blog.  There are lots of places you can find inspiration about why to do make aliyah – I’m so glad we made the move and love being here! – but my experience has been that many olim (new immigrants) don’t have a realistic idea of what to expect.  (I spoke to two people in this situation just yesterday, and this is a painful place to be.)

Many people are emotionally sold on the dream of living in Israel, but there’s very much a reality every person moving here needs to be aware of.  Exactly what the reality is will differ from person to person and place to place, but not sharing about this and letting people think that a move to another country isn’t the hugely major thing it is would be misleading.  Though I prefer to be positive and look for the good in things – and this is what I try do when faced with challenges here – I don’t think I’m doing anyone a favor to pretend that difficulties don’t exist.

To address the main point of this post, what do I think a parent’s role is vis a vis the schools?  Overall, I  think you have to always remember that you’re  the parent and you can’t expect the schools to give your children what they need.  This isn’t as easily said as done – over the years schools have increasingly moved to a position of disempowering parents, and minimizing the importance of parental influence, while continuing to blame parents when anything in school goes wrong!  Educators (at least those I’ve spoken with, and I’ve read this same thing in a number of places) will claim that this is because parents today are increasingly apathetic and uninvolved, they aren’t stepping into their responsibility as parents, so the schools are forced to take up the slack.

Regardless of  if that’s the best way to handle it or not (two parties can’t take responsibility at the same time for the same thing – one will have to let go), the school administrations are doing what they feel is best for the child.  And sometimes as parents we back down when told by a teacher or principal how foundational different aspects of school are to a child.  I think we have to be willing to be confident in our role as parents to look out for our children and make sure their basic needs are being met.

That doesn’t mean looking for problems – I view the teachers and administrators as my partners, and assume they have my child’s best interests at heart – but if I see something isn’t working and it’s  not being attended to or  addressed, I’ll step in and talk with those involved about what’s happening.  I think it’s important to have a positive attitude towards the teachers in our child’s life, and not to make mountains out of molehills – but we also shouldn’t make the mistake of making molehills out of mountains.

My personal expectation of the schools is first, ‘do no harm’ – I don’t expect them to raise them, instill them with good character or positive spiritual outlook/values, and my academic expectations are that basic skills are taught.  That’s it.  I don’t mean this in a disparaging way, but I think that unrealistic expectations set us up for disappointment.  If you get more than the basics, count yourself as fortunate.

Practically speaking, in terms of our aliyah here, this has meant that I’ve been continually in touch with the teachers of every child (except ds13, who dh speaks to).  I’ve explained their needs, advocated for their needs, and this has created a school environment in which they aren’t constantly faced with unrealistic expectations.  I’ve repeatedly told teachers and principals that my only goal for the kids for this year is that they learn Hebrew, and I understand that this means missing a year of academics.  (That’s what the reality is anyway, but it’s good to clarify from the outset since otherwise teachers feel pressured that you’ll be upset your kids aren’t learning anything.)  I’ve also gotten permission for all of the middles (ds9, dd11, ds13) to be allowed to leave school midday, which gives them time to decompress from the intensity of being in a Hebrew language environment for so many hours.

I actively work with the middles (mostly dd11 and ds9) at home on their Hebrew language skills several times a week – this includes speaking, reading, and translation.  Although I intended this to be supplemental, it’s actually more than they’re getting from school.  If a parent can’t do this, then I think they’ll benefit by getting tutors for their children after school.

To sum up, for any parent, but especially if you’re making aliyah, you can’t rely on the schools to give your child the support he needs.  The schools are hopefully staffed with kind and caring people, but in the end, your child is one of  many.  This can be a huge and daunting challenge for parents who move to a new country, who are themselves struggling with the transition to a new culture and language.  But it’s really important that your child knows that you’ll continue to be there for them, to support them and not get lost in the emotions of your own transition experience.  (By the way, this is why I think it’s preferable for the first year after making aliyah, if one parent stays home with the kids – so someone is there for them to give them the support and help they need.)

Avivah

4th Annual Torah Home Education Conference – May 6, 2012

homeschooling,

Before we left the US, a number of people asked me what would happen with the Torah Home Education Conference, which I founded and organized for the last three years.  Initially, I wasn’t sure if I would continue to arrange it from a distance, leave it to others to pick up the ball and run with it if they were interested, or if it would continue at all in my absence.  After a LOT of thought, I decided that the conference had to continue, not as my individual effort, but because others felt there was value and were willing to put in the work to make it happen, and if it there wasn’t enough interest on the part of others, then it would have to fall by the wayside.

And so I’m delighted to say that a group of women have come together to keep it going, and I’m staying very much in a side role.  They have been busy putting together a great day for you!  The 4th Annual Torah Home Education Conference will be held in the Baltimore area on May 6, and the schedule is packed with great speakers and topics that are sure to give just about every current or prospective homeschooler something to think about and be inspired by!

I’m sharing the schedule below, as well as other relevant details.

8:15 – 9 am Registration

9 – 9:10 – Opening remarks

9:15 – 10 am – V’shinantem L’vanecha – Defining Torah Home Education – Mrs. Susan Lapin

10:05 – 10:50 – Parallel workshops:

a) Practical Preschool and Early Education Years – Mrs. Jennifer MacLeod

b) Reaching Bar/bas mitzva – Homeschooling Older Children – Mrs. Shoshana Zohari

10:55 – 11:40 – How to Homeschool, Do Housework, and Prepare for Chagim with a Smile – Mrs. Jennifer Green

b) Gishmei Brocha – Involving Your Family In Money Management – Rabbi Shmuel Simenowitz

11:45 – 12:30 –

a) Integrating Kodesh and Chol, Two Sides of the Same Coin – Mrs. Deborah Beck

b) Focusing in an Age of Digital Distractions – Mrs. Robin Alberg

12:30 – 2:30 – Lunch, Vendor Time, Displays, Facilitated Discussion with Mr. Max Masinter

2:30 – 3:15- Raising Independent Learners – Mrs. Evelyn Krieger

3:20 – 4:05- Veterans Panel with Amanda Keefe, Chana Cox, Susan Lapin, and Rebecca Masinter

4:10 – 4:55 – Advancing the Relationship between Homeschoolers and the Community – Rabbi C. Friedman

5 – 5:15 – Closing remarks

Gila Haor, a special educator, will be available for consultation throughout the day of the conference.  If you’re interested in reserving a slot, be in touch with her at Gila.Haor@gmail.com.

The conference planners are doing everything they can to welcome participants to the Baltimore area and make your stay comfortable.  If you’ll be spending Shabbos in Baltimore prior to the conference, hospitality is being arranged – Tova Brody is taking care of this, and she can be reached at 410-504-7798 or keep.shabbos@earthlink.net.

Child care will be available for your young children during the conference, as well as activities for your older children – specify what your needs are when registering.  Mrs. Alisa Mandel is once again taking care of this (thanks for your continued help, Alisa!), and you can contact her at 410-963-2977.  If you have teenagers who would like to attend the conference, there is no charge, though donations are appreciated.  They will need to registered in advance, though, at http://www.eventbee.com/v/torahhomeeducation.

This is the only conference geared to Orthodox homeschoolers in the entire world – yes, literally!  Every year, people have traveled from all over the US and even Canada to be there, and felt it was worthwhile.  Don’t think that you’re a four hour drive away and it’s not  worth your time.  You just won’t have anywhere else to access this wide a group of Torah home educators any other day in the year, anywhere.

If I sound passionate about it – I am!  I’ve put so many hours into planning this for the last few years because I know, and have continued to see, how important this kind of support is for people.  The current planners share this passion and are putting in so much time and effort to make it a great conference that you will benefit from in multiple ways.  People have told me that being at the conference was a key factor for them choosing to homeschool, continuing to homeschool, and refreshing and reinspiring them when they felt burnt out.

Usually I end off my announcements about the conference with my hope to greet lots of you there in person, and my only regret about this year’s conference is that I won’t be there.  🙁

Avivah