Category Archives: homeschooling

How to let go of negative thoughts and believe in a good outcome

homemaking, homeschooling, marriage, personal development

images-411[1]>>I just read your post about wanting to move before Pesach, and how you tell everyone that you are moving even though you haven’t finalized anything yet.

This has resonated with me a lot, because now I am expecting, but I am scared to tell people. Even though I am showing, I am not telling to people who don’t see me, because I am very anxious – what if something happens?

I am generally not the type to tell people about my plans if it’s not 100%, because I guess if it does not work out, it will look like a failure.<<

Let’s say someone tells you they’re moving, or expecting, or something else.  And then something happens and it doesn’t work out as that person planned.  Do you think, “What a loser”?  Or do you understand that things can change unexpectedly?

Last year I was planning to move and told everyone, and then I was burned so we changed plans.  This year when we decided to move, I didn’t want to tell anyone because I was afraid they would think, ‘Yeah, right, that’s what you said last year.’

Did people who heard about our decision not to move at that time wag their heads knowingly and tell one another, ‘She’s an indecisive, wishy-washy person who can’t make a decision and stick with anything she says’?  Most people are compassionate and understanding, or at least neutral, rather than judgmental if something works out differently than planned for someone else.  We’re much harder on ourselves than other people are.

>>Anyway, do you think that pregnancy is different?<<

There is no failure in pregnancy or giving birth, no matter what the outcome.  Embrace every moment of your pregnancy for the miracle and gift that it is.  Don’t steal this special time from yourself with your fearful thoughts.

>>On the one hand, I am really anxious, and on the other hand, I think it is not positive thinking and not helpful to always think that something bad will happen to me. Is it a lack of bitachon (faith)? <<

Yes, being anxious is a lack of faith – and it’s something we all experience regularly.  When I feel stressed, I take a deep breath and remind myself that I just have to do my part and G-d will do the rest, the outcome isn’t all up to me.  Lately I’ve been saying the Serenity Prayer several times a day, particularly when I feel anxious about something – it’s very powerful if you focus on what you’re saying:

“G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

>>Is there a way I could overcome my worries? <<

I do believe that our thoughts are very influential in creating our reality and it’s worth the effort to make them work for you rather than against you.  My suggestion to help change your negative thoughts is to ask yourself, what am I worried about?  Get a clear idea of what your concern is.  Then, flip it around and picture the exact opposite situation.  For example, someone worrying about giving birth prematurely can picture her healthy full-term newborn infant.

think-positive[1]

Any time you feel this worry start to slip in, replace it with a better thought.  At first this will feel impossible because your worry seems real and your positive picture is totally fake.  But if you keep it up, your positive picture will start to feel real and that’s the place you want to get to, when your positive thoughts take on their own power because they feel real.

Avivah

 

School-wide gemara testing for ds15

homeschooling, parenting

Chanuka was here, Chanuka is over…  We made loads of doughnuts (150 for a community Chanuka party – dd14 was busy for hours!), lit many menorahs, spent lots of time together –  all the kids were home and you know I love that so no need to say anything more….:)  It was lovely.

The oldest three kids are back in Jerusalem, ds15 is back at yeshiva.  His yeshiva recently held the yearly mivchan pumbei, the intensive gemara testing throughout the entire yeshiva.  After completing a rigorous written testing, the top three students in each grade went on to compete with verbal questions.  Ds was one of those chosen from his class, which is a big deal.  When I spoke to him before the final competition, I sensed he was feeling some pressure and reminded him that none of us are putting any pressure on him to win.  (He won last year, which was a huge honor and one that only once before had been won by a ninth grader.)

I told him that what matters to me is that he’s investing in his learning, doing his best and growing as a person, and he doesn’t need to win a contest for me to prove that he’s an amazing person.  He told me he didn’t feel any pressure from our family, but it was coming from the rest of his yeshiva – everyone expected him to win again.  I gave him some suggestions for how to release tension that  might come up for him before or during the final competition.

When I got a call the night the competition was over, I saw on caller id it was from ds but he didn’t say anything when I answered.  I said his name a few times, and when he finally spoke, he said in a choked voice, “Mommy, I won the mivchan pumbei again.”  I got choked up, too.  He continued, “It’s the first time anyone won it twice.”

If you want my tips on how to raise kids who are high achievers, I don’t know what to tell you.  This wasn’t something I tried to make happen.  I don’t push my kids; if they do their best and are good people, that’s what matters to me.  All of our older kids have developed a strong sense of internal motivation, which is amazing to see.

It’s interesting because my homeschooling style is quite relaxed.  But based on my understanding of extrinsic and intrinsic motivation, it seems logical that kids will succeed when equipped with basic skills and a strong desire to do something that matters to them.

Avivah

High school interview for dd14

aliyah, homeschooling, parenting

At the beginning of last year, I decieded to homeschool dd14 despite her opposition.  I wrote about why I did that then, and despite her original unwillingness, it’s been a very positive experience.

My goal in homeschooling her was to give her a chance to reclaim herself after two very draining years in the Israeli school system.  Making aliyah can be really rough on a person’s self-identity and self-image and the older a child is when they move here, the harder this is.  I hoped she would recover the love of learning that is inherent to everyone though often supressed, to become motivated and self-directed in her learning, to realize that if there’s something she wants to learn, she has the ability to learn it.  I wanted her to discover and recognize strengths and abilities that were dormant and unexplored when in school.

It’s been a very gratifying period as she has blossomed in all of these areas and more.  At the beginning of this year, I told her that I was turning all control over her academics to her – whatever she wants to do is fine with me; if she needs help with something she can ask me and I’ll do what I can to support her.  And that’s what she’s done, with plenty of time left to explore her interests.

My main regret about homeschooling her is that living where I do with the constraints that I have, homeschooling isn’t the expansive experience for her that I’d like it to be.  I’ve always enjoyed feeling connected and having my kids connected in different ways outside of our family to the larger community but that has been very challenged where I am and there’s very little I can do to change this.

Last year we talked about if she’d be interested in going to high school when the time came and at that point she was adamantly against it. This year, however, she’s expressed an interest in attending.  Knowing that high schools are likely to be uncomfortable with a girl from a homeschool background (it’s a much less common here than in the US)  I’ve been grateful for my relationship with the administration of the local high school where my older two daughters attended.  They were very impressed with our girls (one teacher/principal told me that in all her years of teaching teen girls she rarely saw girls like them and it was clear to her that it was a result of homeschooling) and this gave me reassurance that she would be accepted without reservations.

An Israeli friend has been encouraging me to look into a high school in a different city where her daughter commutes daily.  I decided against that school but then someone else recommended a different school that she thought would be good for dd14.  After hearing about it, it did sound like it could be a good fit.  My main concern was that the as soon as they heard she was homeschooled, she would be refused an entrance interview.

I called the principal and had a nice chat with her and then we began scheduling an interview for dd14.  She told me to bring in her report cards for last year when we came for the interview and at this point, I explained that dd is homeschooled.  This is when how you present yourself and what you do makes a very big difference, but I knew that regardless of how I came across, I’m dealing with a conservative school system and school policies can be very rigid.

I told her a bit about homeschooling and dd.  She told me the school has a high academic level and wanted to know if dd could academically keep up.  I assured her that dd is a bright and motivated learner, and the principal agreed to meet her.  I was relieved to have gotten past this potential obstacle.

Dd and I went together to the interview and the principal clearly thought well of her so now it’s on to the next part of the acceptance process – the entrance exams.  The exams will be sometime after Chanukah for all the incoming ninth graders, and acceptance will be based on the results of the testing.

As I told dd, I did my part to get her an interview, now it’s her job to do well on the entrance exam!

I asked what the areas the tests would be covering and the principal told us it will be English, math, Jewish knowledge (need to recognize brief biblical quotes and be able to say who said it to whom and in what context) and Hebrew grammar.  The principal said she was confident that dd would do well on math and English which are the most heavily weighted portions of the test, and they’ll take into account that she’s not a native Hebrew speaker when grading the other two portions.  Dd14’s Hebrew isn’t fluent yet and I appreciated that the principal accepted this as reasonable for someone her age moving to Israel when she did, rather than being judgmental about it.

Dd14 asked me to begin learning Hebrew grammar systematically with her today, so I pulled out a text that dd18 used when she started school here and we worked through the first lesson and plan to continue learning this together.  Ds15 (tenth grade) gave her his math text from last year if she wants to use that to prepare for the exam.  Her math skills are strong so this is to be sure she’s familiar with the Hebrew math vocabulary.

She was a bit nervous about the Jewish knowledge portion- I asked the principal for a sample of the quotes and due to their brevity they were quite difficult – despite being able to translate them all I only recognized two out of ten.  But I told dd not to worry about it, to keep learning chumash on the schedule she’s on.  I want her to feel prepared for the test but at the same time, I have a longer term view on chumash than an entrance test; she’s acquiring solid textual skills in addition to knowledge of content and this is what’s most important.

High school will be a big change for dd but this is part of what homeschooling is about; raising your kids to know what they want and helping them acquire the skills they need to be successful doing it.

Avivah

Kindergarten until 4 pm – right for my child or not?

homeschooling, parenting

A mother asks about how to make the decision about keeping her child in full-day kindergarten:

>>I have four boys. While I’m a homeschooler at heart, I learned that it wasn’t for me. My oldest was home until he was five, my next, until four, and my three year old just started this year. I’m at home with the baby.

My current concern is for the middle two. The six year old is in kindergarten and there is a new law that kindergarten children must stay until four. I bent over backwards to get an authorization to get him early. So I pull him out at 1:30, and he is the _only one_ leaving early. The only one.  I mean, it just felt strange, and he was having fun, and I felt bad.

My three year old is in the preschool directly next door, and I get him at 2, so we wait at the park until that time. And I found out that he is also the only one leaving early!!

…I was really looking forward to spending the rest of the day with them – I really don’t think that a five year old doesn’t have to be gone from 8 – 4. It’s just too much …

So my options are – keep going the way it is, pulling him out early, hoping it gets less awkward along the way.

– keep them both in gan til four. (!) this is expensive and we can’t really afford it, even if I wanted to.

– stop fighting with the municipality and keep the older one there until four, and schlep back and forth with the baby thee times, in the heat and in the winter. 

For (a number of ) reasons, I feel like I have just been fighting an uphill battle for so long. I wish I could change my brain and “be like everyone else!”  My husband and I were talking about keeping them both out until four. I said, if I do that, I’ll just send out the baby and get a job. Which seems crazy to me but if I’m going to do it, I may as well really do it, no?<<

I’ll sum up one aspect of this question: how do you make a decision when your values and the logistics in your life are competing?  No one can answer this but you.  But when I’m faced with situation like this (and believe me, I have been), I go back to the beginning.  That means I ask myself, what are my beliefs?  Then I ask myself, what are my goals?

This is of course a really personal process and there’s no right answer for everyone.  The right answer for you is the one that resonates with your beliefs and goals.  Take some time to think about what you want your family to look like, what kind of mother you want to be, how you can be that kind of parent, and begin to develop your long term and short term vision for your family.

Over Sukkos when I sat around the table with my husband and all of our children, I reflected that all those years when I thought I was putting so much into my kids, I had no idea that the dividends would make my efforts look miniscule.  Now I have the gift of hindsight and can unhesitatingly say:  whether you work or stay at home, homeschool or send your kids out to school, spending time with your children is a great investment!

What to do when you know what you want but you’re tired of fighting to get it?  When your vision is slipping away and you tell yourself it wasn’t that important because the effort involved in pushing against societal pressure is wearing you down?  When it seems easier to let go of what you want rather than to reclaim your vision and stay true to it?

I can’t tell you whether leaving your kids in playgroup/kindergarten for a longer day is the right thing for you or not.  But I can say that if you don’t live in accordance with your conscience, it’s very painful in the long run.  This question is about living in alignment with what you care about, and this is why getting clear on what is really most important to you is critical.

It hasn’t always been smooth or easy doing something different than most people around me.  And it hasn’t always been easy for my kids. There’s always a price you pay, whether you live according to your values or not.  The discomfort of feeling different is often part of the price for your vision.

A guest once asked me, “How did you have the courage to go against the stream?”  She understood the societal pressure we faced in the Orthodox Jewish world as homeschoolers.  For me, the hardest part was making the decision in the beginning.  Once I did, staying connected to my vision (and as time went on, seeing the benefits to our family) is what gave me the strength to continue.

Once you get past the initial difficulty of committing yourself to a given course of action, it gets easier.  But you have to know what you believe, know what you want and trust in yourself.  It’s easy to get discouraged when you feel like what you’re doing isn’t really making a difference; in the close up view, it’s really hard to see what difference it makes if you take one path or another.  Clarifying your vision is like having a telescopic lens.

Here are some things to think about:

– What is your paradigm of parenting and why?

– What are the benefits and cost of having your children gone longer? At the top of a piece of paper, on one side write ‘pros’ and on the other side write ‘cons’. Seeing it in black and white can be really helpful.

When it comes to longer school days for children, keep in mind that the longer kids are away, the more restless they are when they get home.  There’s generally a lot of stress for a young child in being in the preschool environment.  This will directly affect the day to day demands of you as a parent.  It’s easy to get caught up in managing behaviors instead of proactively connecting.

As additional food for thought, I’m including a short clip with Dr. Gordon Neufeld, in which he answers the question regarding what age should a child ideally start school.


Avivah

Sukkos roundup and getting back to routine

homemaking, homeschooling, parenting

sukka 1Another beautiful yom tov has come and gone!

It’s been two years since all of our children have been home for Sukkos.    I loved sitting around the table with everyone and particularly cherish our family time spent singing together.  I love, love, love this!

On Sukkos we celebrated dd13’s birthday, which means she’s now 14.  She was five when I started this blog.  How time flies, hmm?

Last week we also participated in a Sukkos lunch/chagiga for the English speaking families here in Karmiel.  We’ve had several of these type of events together with the goal of developing a sense of community: one person hosts and everyone brings a dish to share.  This time about ten families participated.  The food was wonderful, the company was wonderful, and the music and singing was wonderful!  Karmiel attracts really, really nice people.

On Simchas Torah, our older boys (ds21 surprised us by staying home instead of going back to yeshiva) danced up a storm.  Yirmiyahu (2) charmed the womens’ section by smiling, waving and blowing kisses each time he passed by in the arms or on the shoulders of yet another dancing brother.   Ds15 performed a feat that will leave people talking for a long time to come and caused my heart to go faint made me very nervous.  He told me afterward that when I was signalling him with my eyes to stop that my eyes were almost popping out.  Maybe that’s an exaggeration but maybe not.  🙂  He danced with someone much heavier than him on his shoulders – that sounds much less dramatic than it was.   All’s well that ends well.

Dh was honored with Chassan Bereishis on Simchas Torah and since here in Israel we only have one day yom tov, that meant that Friday we got busy baking for the kiddush on Shabbos!  My girls did a great job doing a lot of baking in a very short span of time while ds21 took down the sukka and got everything put away with ds12 (and a couple of younger boys to help, too)!  We hosted the kiddush with a friend whose husband was honored with Chassan Torah.  It was really nice.

Today was our first day back to our normal schedule.  As much as I loved the holidays, there’s something very grounding about getting back to a routine!  I started a new chore chart for this year but there wasn’t much time to get everyone used to it before the holidays.  So the excessive complaints this morning were predictable – as if they’ve never been asked to do these jobs before!  For me, I’m busy tackling Mount Washmore.  🙂

I’ve been thinking lots about our homeschooling focus for the coming year and determining what I want to adjust for each of the five kids who are homeschooling this year.  You might think that after so many years of homeschooling that I run on automatic but for me, running on automatic for an extended period isn’t a good thing.  It feels dry and uninspired.  It’s been very helpful and energizing for me to think through what I want to accomplish this year, what are my specific goals for each person and why.  The big picture always stays the same for me but the details of how to get to that goal often shift.

I was just contacted today by a writer for the Hebrew language Mishpacha magazine about doing an interview with them about homeschooling.  I always have a million and one thoughts on education and child raising, so we’ll see in what direction it goes!  I’d love suggestions from you about what kind of questions you’d want answered if you were reading this article.

I’m now looking forward to hunkering down in the long stretch between now and the spring and moving towards our homeschooling goals!

Avivah

Helping kids regroup from the behaviors picked up at camp

homeschooling, parenting

>>Do you have any advice for doing “damage control” after camp/preschool etc? After being home with me all year my kids had a fantastic summer at an amazing camp- but several weeks later I’m still trying to remedy the things they picked up there- name-calling, saying hurtful things to each other, as well as more tantrums and less listening, etc. Camp was great but is it worth it??<<

I so much understand this question!

The first time we encountered this phenomenon was when my oldest went to sleep away camp for three weeks when he was 12.  Camp was a wonderful experience for him but it took three more weeks at home until he returned to his pleasant and relaxed self.  The week he came back was the first and only time I ever heard a curse word from the mouth of any of our children.  He was much less pleasant to be around; it was like he forgot how to get along with everyone during the time he was away.

I’ve experienced this several times since then.  It’s a direct result of kids spending a disproportionate amount of time with their peers.  The behavioral changes reflect the increased attachment toward their peers and the diminished attachment to you and your values.  Camp and school both can lead to this dynamic, but so can long vacation days at home if your child is playing with friends all day long.

At the beginning of this summer, I set boundaries to proactively address this, and set a limit of four hours a day my kids could play with friends – 11 – 1 and 4 – 6 pm.  I purposely didn’t let them play for four solid hours with friends since the break in between was helpful in them reconnecting to me at home.  Even so, this was sometimes too much for one child and my older kids kept commenting how nice it would be when we get back to our less peer oriented year round schedule.  They’re quick to notice the signs of peer dependence sneaking in!

Time, connection and reasserting boundaries is the answer to this.  Your kids need to detox and they need your support and love while they slowly discard the behaviors and speech that they picked up while at camp.  Spend as much time in a relaxed and enjoyable way together and try to really enjoy each other.

Then when you see certain behaviors crop up, address them from a place of love and strength.  Be clear about what kind of speech and actions create the home environment that you want to have.  If you hear someone speaking or acting in a way that isn’t in line with that, gently but firmly help them correct the behavior.  (I’ve written at more length about how to establish and enforce boundaries but it’s been a while and you’ll have to search the archives for it.)

An example of something I do with my kids is have them repeat what they wanted to express in an appropriate way.  If someone says something like, “You’re so stupid, why are you always bothering me?” one thing you can do is:

A) Reflect back the feeling – ‘you sound frustrated’, ‘it’s hard to have people using your things without permission’.

B) Then move directly into modeling how they can better express that – “A nicer way to express that would be, ‘Please don’t touch my things without my permission.'”  Then have them replay the scenario using the words you modeled for them.  You can do something similar with physical misbehavior.

Then keep doing that for years 🙂 and one day you’ll enjoy the benefits!

Avivah

Preparations for Tisha B’Av

homeschooling, parenting, personal development

tishaBav[1]This year has been such an intense period of sadness for the Jewish people that it’s been all too easy to be in the spirit of the Three Weeks.

I went to a talk given by someone who grew up in Gush Katif (Gaza Strip) and was living there when the expulsion of all Jews took place in 2007.  It was more of a dramatic presentation than a speech, actually.  I came a few minutes late and when I entered, saw her standing in the center of the room with a balloon in her hands, with a number of other balloons on the floor.  She moved to Gush Katif as a five year old in 1978, married and had five children there.  Each balloon represented a memory in her twenty five years of living in Gush Katif (specifically Kfar Darom).

After she finished sharing the last vignette, someone rose from the audience and began to viciously pop every balloon, until all that were left was her sobbing, prostrate on the floor, with the shreds of the balloons scattered around her.

As a haunting song played the words from Tehillim, “G-d, why have you abandoned me?” and then went on to sing about the dawning of light, she slowly got up and began to gather the shreds of the balloons – the shreds of her life.  She bit by bit fastened them to a shape of a house made of tape on the wall behind her, as it became clear without words that her home now has been built upon the shreds of broken memories and dreams of the expulsion.

As the song came to a close, she sat down with a tehillim in her hand, the ribbon of a single balloon that said LOVE (representing G-d) wrapped around her hand, the balloon floating above her head.

It was amazingly powerful.

Then she shared with us about the background to this presentation.  She said after the expulsion she spoke many times before audiences until she reached a point she couldn’t listen to herself talk anymore.  Then for years she didn’t talk about it, until a couple of months ago she went to a therapeutic drama workshop.  She was asked, “Where are your memories of Gush Katif?” and she responded, “They’re locked up tightly in a box inside me.”

The presentation she gave was a direct result of her therapeutic process, as she began to open up and deal with the emotional trauma she experienced.  She told us how much she regretted having agreed to speak, and procrastinated about her preparations for this talk until the day before.  I was shocked to learn that this was the first time she’s ever presented in this way; she said it was very difficult for her emotionally.  Her emotion had been apparent but I thought perhaps it was done theatrically.  Our feedback to her had been that her message was incredibly powerful and touching, a testament to the suffering and loss of all those expelled as well as a the power of faith in G-d.

When I was younger, I wondered how the Holocaust could have happened – now in front of our eyes we see people calling for the death and destruction of Jews in countries around the world and it’s clear not only how it happened, but that it could easily happen again.  I see news headlines that are so bizarre that I think they must be parodies – yet they aren’t.  I see a worldwide justification of pure evil and the victimization of those who advocate for truth and justice.

In the middle of this incredibly disheartening and discouraging time, in the middle of the fear and frustration – we’re seeing miracles here in Israel (read an example of one miracle here).  Miracles every day that remind us that G-d is truly looking out for us.

The massive terror tunnels that crisscross underneath all of Gaza and leading into Israel civilian centers have been discovered, the mindboggling terror plot that has been in the planning stages for years and was set to take place on Rosh Hashana this year that would have resulted in the death of thousands – it was revealed and thwarted at the very last moment, just in time for us to take actions to save ourselves.  It came about through circumstances that were incredibly painful, but it allows us to directly see and feel G-d’s love and kindness in the midst of our difficulties.

Here, here and here are some of my past Tisha B’Av posts that include links to different videos and lectures for children and adults.  This year Ohr Nava has a lineup of speakers available online, as does the Chofetz Chaim Foundation (and many others – please share in the comments section if you have a favorite!).  Learning Torah is forbidden on Tisha B’Av; unfortunately, Jewish history is filled with suffering,  and reading/ learning about any of that is appropriate on this day.

Wake the Dawn: The Story of Jerusalem’s Holy Temple is a video that I plan to watch with our children on Tisha B’Av.

I usually read Book of our Heritage and learn the laws relating to the three weeks.  Another book that I love for Tisha B’Av is ‘And Rachel was His Wife’ – this is a novel set in the times of the Temple that is engaging and well-done, suitable for approximately ages 12 and up.

Tisha B’Av is not only the saddest day of the year, but the hardest fast of the year.  I can’t quickly find my past post about how to physically prepare for a fast but for those of you who see this in time, I’ll briefly suggest: lots of fluids (3 – 4 liters daily) ideally for the two days before the fast; the meal before the fast should be a mixture of proteins, good fats and some carbohydrates.  Watermelon is a wonderful food in the day or two before the fast to get you hydrated and keep you hydrated!

May this year our sorrow be turned to gladness!

Avivah

1 month update on neurodevelopmental program for ds12

homeschooling, parenting
(Not ds12)
(Not ds)

Five weeks ago, I told you that we were preparing to begin a neurodevelopmental program for ds12 and that I’d update you with our progress at the time of our first follow up after four months.

It obviously hasn’t been four months but I’m so amazed and delighted with the changes we’ve seen in the short time since we began that I have to share!

First, a little bit about our neurodevelopmental program.  Our program for ds12 is two hours a day; an hour of this is comprised of two half-hour activities.  The remaining hour is mostly made up of activities of very short duration (2 -3) minutes that are supposed to be done 2 – 3 times a day.  That might not sound like so much but after a month, I’m still not doing everything with him daily.  I’m happy at this point to get to almost all of the activities once a day.

What’s amazing is the kind of changes we’re seeing even though we’re not fully following the program and it took two weeks until we were even doing half the daily activities.  This fits in with the unofficial theme of the week, how you don’t have to be perfect to see good results from your efforts.  🙂

To recap about why we decided to do a neurodevelopmental program: ds12 was very emotionally reactive, with poor social skills and self-image.  We give him a lot of time, love, patience – but it wasn’t enough.  It was clear to me that we were missing a piece in the puzzle – I felt like there was some part of his that needed to be rewired.

That’s what ND work does – it rewires your child’s brain.  And it turned out, that is what he needed – to strengthen connections to particular parts of his brain that were weak.

When we began, he was cautiously willing to do the activities but quickly felt discouraged because everything was a challenge.  He was quite resistant  and initially we really had to push him to do the activities.

I emailed our ND therapist to ask if it was normal for behavior to get much worse, because his behavior about two weeks after we began got horrible, much worse than I had ever seen.  Really over the top.  Screaming, crying, extreme emotional overreactions.  All day long.

She said it was normal.  His reaction reminded me of cleaning out the basement, how you have to pull out all the junk before you can thoroughly reorganize – it gets much messier before it starts to look better.  This was the same thing.  Seeing this behavior made dh and I both feel even more committed to sticking out this process.

Now we’re a month in and I.can.not.believe.the difference.  I didn’t expect to see noticeable results for a few months and definitely not until we had consistently been doing the full program for a while.  I didn’t expect that the small things that we did with him could have such huge results so soon.

He is so much happier.

He used to constantly tell me he had the most annoying siblings in the world and get very frustrated with his younger brothers and do passive aggressive things to them (trip them when they walked by, pinch them when he thought I wasn’t looking, eg).  They often told me how mean he was to them and didn’t enjoy spending time with him.

Three weeks into our ND program, I noticed he was playing Monopoly every day with ds6 and they were both having a great time.  Every day.  He never played like this with ds6 before.  He began spending two hours every afternoon doing activities with ds8.  (He walked in while I was writing this and asked me what I’m writing about.  I said, about his ND program and asked him if he sees any changes in himself.  No, he said, but his younger brothers aren’t so annoying anymore. :))  Ds15 and dd13 have started walking with him in the evenings, the three of them doing some program activities together as a group.

He is much more cheerful, helpful and calm.  I came home a couple of days from a morning appointment, and he asked me if I had eaten yet and when he heard I hadn’t, offered to make me a meal.  He now usually handles disappointments gracefully rather than exploding.  I can almost see his self-esteem growing in front of my eyes.  He now smiles often and usually is in a good or neutral mood.

His auditory processing has already jumped from 5 – 6.  I wrote about the importance of auditory processing – this seemingly minor improvement is HUGE (go read the post that I linked if you haven’t so you can understand why all of this is connected).  His visual processing has also jumped a digit.

His physical stamina is building, his gait when he walks has improved.

Edited to add this tidbit because I had to share! – On Shabbos our family enjoys singing together but ds12 had always refused to join in despite our encouragement to participate.  This Shabbos he voluntarily joined our family in singing zemiros (Shabbos songs), as naturally as if this was something he had been doing for years.  Dh leaned over to me to be sure I noticed but whispered not to comment or draw attention to him.  I noticed the moment I heard his voice ring out and wouldn’t have missed it in any case, but a moment later from the other side of the table, dd17 looked at me, raised her eyebrows significantly in the direction of ds12 and subtly pointed to him to singing.  It was beautiful.

It’s pretty incredible to see this taking place. I’m so encouraged to have found a way to help him at the core level and I love seeing the remarkable young man I knew was in there emerge.  I’m looking forward to seeing what happens over the coming months!

Avivah

The pressure to be the perfect mother

homemaking, homeschooling, parenting, personal development

>>You know, parenting is so all consuming and I never feel I’m doing as well as I’d like. But I look at you and so many times, you’ve got it nailed down. Even if you don’t show us your every mistake, I think you are doing an awesome job, and I really appreciate that this specialist bothered to acknowledge it, because you know what, almost all of us want to hear it at least now and then after we’ve poured heart and soul into something for so long.<<

I often feel like I’m not doing as well as I would like – thoughts like this sneak in pretty regularly!

I don’t have it all nailed down, far from it.

I see a lot of people online who seem to be doing a lot more with their kids than I do with mine.  Parents who are more focused and goal directed, parents who provide their kids with T21 with more cognitive/physical support, parents who offer their homeschooled kids more active support in following their passions, parents who do more of everything, parents who have more of everything.

But my  kids weren’t sent to those parents; they were sent to me.  Perfectly imperfect me.

My message on this blog isn’t that I’m awesome and I’ve got it all figured out, because I haven’t.

If there’s a message I want to share, it’s that you can be lacking and inadequate, you can fall short and doubt yourself often – and your family can still be pretty darn wonderful.

When my oldest daughter was diagnosed with an eating disorder, I felt I had totally failed.  It was as if all the good things I had done for years had never happened.  I stopped writing about parenting, I stopped doing parenting consultations and I stopped trusting myself as a parent.

My husband spent four months in the US with her as she went through treatment, and one of the first things he told me when he came back was, “None of what you did all these years was wasted, it’s all still there inside of her.  She’s an incredible girl and a lot of the credit for that is thanks to what you gave her.”

I didn’t see it at the time, but he was right.  She had a big bump on her life path, but the person she was, the relationship we had – it was just temporarily obscured.  It wasn’t gone.  When the sun came out again, everything was better and brighter than before the dark clouds of life covered it all up.

So your family can turn out great with the efforts you worry aren’t enough.

And you, right now, as you are – you’re wonderful. The perfectly imperfect mother who never does all she wants to do.  That’s a hard one to believe, isn’t it?

We have to learn to recognize what we do, validate ourselves, pat our own backs.  Sometimes we get a little bonus when someone from the outside appreciates what we do, and that’s really nice.  But we have to live with ourselves every day and that means we have to consciously reprogram the thoughts in our mind that can grind us down and make us feel we’re not enough, we’re never enough, and we’re never going to be much better than we are right now no matter how hard we try.  All of that is a lie.

Countering this lie isn’t a one time lesson.  I can’t write about this in the past tense as something I’ve worked on and surmounted, because this is a constant daily effort – to appreciate myself as I am when I’m having an adequate day, or especially when I’m having a much less than adequate day, not only on the days when I can check off every item on a long and detailed to-do list.  To value myself as a human be-ing, not a human do-ing.

It’s about progress, not perfection.

It’s about learning to love ourselves, learning to nurture ourselves and appreciate ourselves as we are right now – just the way we love and nurture our children.

Avivah