Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Times of transition

    I was about to begin writing this post when I realized that this is my 900th post!  It’s amazing how things add up with time – those of you who have been reading all along probably know me better than I know myself by now. 🙂

    I didn’t plan to write anything spectacular in honor of this, but it’s probably appropriate that I share my thoughts on this transitional time in our lives, since these transitions are quite significant for our family.

    Late last night (Tues) dh and ds17 returned from the trip to NY for ds’s yeshiva interview.  They both had a very positive impression about the yeshiva, and because of a comment that one interviewer made to ds (“When you come to me for Shabbos, I have lots to ask you about homeschooling!”), we knew he was accepted even though they don’t notify you on the spot.   Dh received the official call today.  He’ll be going to Shor Yoshuv in NY, a yeshiva I feel is a fantastic choice on a number of levels – it met all of our technical criteria, and has a warm and supportive atmosphere where the focus is on the individual.

    The term begins on Aug. 25, which means ds will be leaving to NY on Tues. Aug. 24.  When I realized it meant we have less than two weeks with him, and less than three weeks with ds15 before she leaves to Israel for ten months (she’s leaving Tues. Aug. 31), the realization struck me very hard that time is flying by and this short time will be gone before I blink!  I’ve intellectually been aware of this – particularly when this past Shabbos, I realized that we have only one more Shabbos with all of the kids home (for at least another ten months).   I had to consciously create the space for even that last Shabbos together, since ds11 and dd14 were away last week, dd14 will be at camp this coming weekend, and the following week dd15 had planned to travel to NY for the weekend.  I asked her to cancel her plans even though it might mean she won’t be able to see a very close friend before she leaves to Israel.  Family takes priority.

    I’ve been so busy with the technicalities of all that needs to be taken care of – obviously there are a number of things the oldest two kids who are going away need (which has been significant in terms of time, energy, and money! – and tonight the oldest two converged on me, each with lists of more things they need to take care of), as well as the day to day summer activities, and planning the coming school year (which is taking more thought than usual since I’ve been considering if dd14 should graduate at 16, which influences the choices I make now).  And all of this busyness means that I haven’t had time to feel anything about them going – until last night.

    As parents, we want to give our kids the ability to be independent and follow what is important to them, to grow into mature and emotionally healthy adults.  I’ve been looking back on our home education journey and thinking about what has been successful as well as where I’d like to adapt for the future, but overall my feeling is immense and intense gratitude that they’ve grown up so beautifully.  I’m so happy for both of them and grateful that they have found opportunities to grow and experience things that are important to them.  And as each older sibling moves out, I think it’s wonderful how the next child in the family has his/her chance to have the spotlight; I’m looking forward to focusing more on the younger kids in the coming year, with a particular focus on dd14 and ds11.

    But having said all of that, last night when ds asked me what the starting date for the yeshiva was and I answered him, I was suddenly hit with a strong wave of  already missing them even though they’re still here.  Just having dd14 out of the house for two weeks at camp has been an adjustment for everyone (even though she comes home every night around 10:30 pm) – so I expect the oldest two leaving for a long time will be quite significant for us all.  Fortunately, ds will probably come home every six weeks or so for Shabbos – that definitely makes it much easier!

    Life is full of so many good things, but that doesn’t always mean it’s easy!

    Avivah

  • I’m not perfect and don’t belong on a pedestal!

    I am so grateful to and appreciative of all of you who shared your feedback with me about the blog in response to my request, either in the comments section or via email.  It was very touching to me and I was choked up reading all of your supportive comments.  It really renewed my positivity about continuing to share here and I thank you all for taking time out of your busy lives to comment.  Amazingly, that’s all it took to for me to again feel enjoyment in writing here!

    Practically, a number of good points were made as well. They were helpful in restoring perspective for me, reminding me that I need to do what feels right to me and not worry about those who don’t like what I write, and helped me stop feeling pressured by not having the time to post as often as I’d like.  As of now, I’ll continue posting as time allows, which will probably become less frequent with time but won’t stop altogether.

    I received only one email that was slightly negative, though the writer was very sensitive and respectful in sharing her thoughts, which I appreciated.  I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating – I’m so impressed with the quality of the visitors to this blog!  I’d like to respond to her point here, because I think she raised an issue worth commenting on.

    >>Here’s the constructive criticism part, and I want to say explicitly that I am only saying this because I have so much respect for you and really admire you, and because I feel that you are my role model in certain areas of life. So — I don’t think you’re fully accomplishing what you set out to accomplish, which is helping young mothers. Young mothers these days feel lost and disempowered. They are definitely looking for guidance. But your posts are too far out of reach for them. You come out as this perfect, all-knowing mother, and I know this is not your intention, but they might feel intimidated and maybe even criticized. I was once telling a younger friend about something I read on your blog, and she told me she read it and felt put off because you said that a child should always listen to the mother and she felt she was nowhere near that, so she ended up feeling incompetent…… I’m just bringing this up because I think it would help young mothers more if you were more aware of their reality and maybe more empathetic …..<<

    About five years ago, I was gifted with the opportunity to stumble onto a private blog that significantly improved my life.  This woman had a very large family (I think she had about 15 or 16 – don’t remember the total because she had three children in the short time I read her blog), was homeschooling, and when she shared about her life, hearing the joy she experienced with her children inspired me – I had never met or heard from someone like her.  Even though I had six children at the time (was newly pregnant with no. 7) and I was a pretty good parent, I still felt incredibly inadequate next to her- she seemed to do everything – and I mean everything! – better than I could even imagine doing it.

    At the time there were things that my children did that were acceptable to me because it never occurred to me there was anything lacking in the way it was.  For example, when my oldest was 12, he once got angry and said, “I hate you!”  I didn’t react to it – in fact I felt almost amused hearing such a stereotypical comment, and patted myself on the back because I didn’t overreact or become negative.  But when I happened to mention it at a parenting class I was attending at that time and the instructor said, “Well, that’s fine if you don’t mind your child speaking to you in that way,” I didn’t understand why he didn’t share my positive view of how I handled the situation.  Any of my peers I would have talked to would have thought I dealt with the situation well and said it was normal for a child to talk like that.  Now that wouldn’t be acceptable to me at all and the intent of the instructor’s comment is crystal clear. But I couldn’t recognize that there was something lacking there until I saw the example of someone who had a different standard for ‘normal’ than I did.  And it was this woman who took time to share about her life who changed my view of what family life could look like, to show me that there was room for improvement in how I was doing things.

    I chose to be grateful for exposure to a more effective way of looking at homemaking and parenthood rather than get sucked into feeling inadequate.  Sometimes I was really perplexed about how she got certain results since they seemed so intimidatingly remote from where I was at as a parent – but she gave me a lot of food for thought.  And those thoughts led to improvements in how I parented and ran my home, and the understanding that while I couldn’t be her, I could certainly be a better me.

    A challenge of the internet is that because we don’t see someone in person, there’s a tendency to forget that the person writing is a real person with human failings, and them on a pedestal.  Being aware of that possibility, I’ve been careful not to set myself up as the perfect parent.  I’ve never pretended to have all the answers, to respond to every situation with perfect calm or with the right answers.  Just like everyone, sometimes I’m tired, tense, irritable, and disappointed with my very imperfect responses, and I’ve shared that here!  I have ideals as a parent that I don’t always live up to myself!  But there is a saying, “Shoot for the moon, and at least you’ll reach the stars” – having goals gives me a target to shoot for and even if I fall short, I’m better off than with no target at all.

    This blog is a place where I share about what works for me and respond to questions about how our family navigates different situations.  I’m sympathetic to young mothers and having stood in their shoes, and in many ways continuing to be in a place that’s not so different from them, of often facing new situations that I don’t yet know how to handle (that’s the reality of kids growing older and new stages, as well as every child having their own personality!). While I believe I’m aware of their challenges (I speak to many people in real life in exactly this stage), I accept (reluctantly, sometimes!) that you can never make everyone happy and that people ‘hear’ what I’ve written in different ways.   I can only be who I am, and write from my ‘voice’.  I’d love it if every single person who read here sensed the concern and support I feel for mothers who are doing the best they can, and the understanding I have for their struggles.  But of course that’s not possible.

    I’ve tried to be as honest and accurate as I could be when posting – it would be foolish to pretend to be more than I am since so many readers have met or will one day meet me in person!  I’m not apologetic for not filling up posts with my fears, doubts, inadequacies, or struggles.  I don’t even want to fill my own mind with that negativity!  Though I sometimes mention frustrations or difficult situations I’m experiencing, sharing that on a regular basis instead of sharing the growth and gains wouldn’t be helpful or inspiring – not for me or for my readers.

    On a side note, if any of you are wondering what blog it was that I was so inspired by, it sadly no longer exists.  It was shut down after about a year and the entire blog was erased.  Despite a huge base of appreciative readers, the woman blogging evoked hostility from those who were threatened by her.  They mocked and attacked her, saying she was too ‘perfect’, accused her of making things up and even lying, since ‘clearly’ it was impossible for her to be so organized, or happy, or for her kids to really all get along that well, be so well-behaved, etc.   I think she finally decided she’d rather enjoy living her life without sharing since sharing put her under unexpected fire.  One day I visited the blog, and every single post had been deleted.   I was really sad when this happened and for years hoped that somehow she’d start blogging and I’d rediscover her.  As disappointed as I still feel to this day that I no longer can access her experience, I really believe G-d knew I craved inspiration to grow as a parent and sent it to me via this woman and her blog at a time when I couldn’t find it anywhere.  And because this woman whom I never met was such a help to me, it was her example that was my motivation to start this blog four years ago!

    Avivah

  • Hard work and blessings often go together!

    It’s been really, really hot here lately, so this morning I got up early to plant some of my many free tomato plants that I got last week before the heat got to be too much.  When I work in the garden with tomato plants, I always think about parenting.  That’s because about five years ago I read a comparison between raising children and growing tomatoes that I found valuable that often comes to mind when I’m in the garden.

    Being out in the garden is a great time to think, particularly when it’s early and none of the kids are up yet.  Today I was thinking about how many blessings come with a lot of work.  For example, getting all of these tomato starts for free.  Sure, it sounds great to get 180 free plants.  But then when you think about having to prepare the soil, plant them, stake them, prune them – does it still seem like a blessing to have gotten so many, or does it seem more like a punishment? 🙂

    Many of the wonderful bargains I’ve found, like the swing set I just wrote about a couple of days ago, were examples of a blessing that came with a lot of work. And the work alone is often enough to turn most people away from claiming many potential bargains.  I think that’s it’s a big challenge for us to appreciate so many wonderful things out there for the gifts that they are because they come with lots of work.

    Children are a perfect example of blessings that come with a lot of work, so much so that most people don’t want more than a couple.  But children are unquestionably (in my mind, anyway!) the source of more joy than any parent can hope to find anywhere else.  But the work involved can be pretty intimidating!

    I’m in the middle of reading Up From Slavery, by Booker T. Washington (along with about six other books I’m in the middle of, lol!).  Something that struck me again and again is the emphasis he puts on working hard as a value, as something that is formative in developing character.  He says at some point that slavery hurt the white slaveholders even more than the blacks because they got used to having others do basic things for themselves and as a result they never had a chance to work hard.  I found his attitude toward hard work very noteworthy – he didn’t look at work as a necessary evil, but as a critical component to personal development.

    A good friend recently told me that I have a work ethic like people in the olden days.  I laughed and told her I’m nowhere near being able or willing to work like they did, but it’s true that I am willing to put effort into something that I want to accomplish, and it doesn’t generally phase me if it requires a lot of effort.  I don’t expect life to be effortless, I don’t expect to live my life with minimal exertion, and I realize that good things often come in packages that aren’t covered in satin and lace – sometimes you have to get out a crowbar to pry off the heavy wooden container covering your gift!  I think this is a big reason that I’ve been blessed with so much abundance – because I try to see beyond the work and recognize the value of something.

    I was thinking about the times people have told me how ‘lucky’ I am, and reflecting that sometimes people would rather talk about luck than look at all the hard work that went into making that ‘luck’.  Life gives every one of us opportunities  to exert ourselves for things that are meaningful to us, and working hard for something actually adds value to many things.  Even if it doesn’t add value to whatever we’re working on, I think hard work adds value to us by improving our character and helping us grow past our comfort zone.

    Avivah

  • My kids are so sweet!

    Last night when those who went to synagogue returned, they brought me a copy of the weekly synagogue newsletter.  They all know I appreciate seeing this so they give it to me first thing.

    I took a look at it and about two minutes after beginning to read, I noticed with surprise the following:

    “This week’s (newsletter) is sponsored by:


    E, T, M, B, T, B, E, D and S Werner in honor of our parents’ 18th anniversary. We love you Mommy and Daddy! Mazal tov!”

    I looked up at my kids and they were all watching me read, waiting for me to notice and trying to look like there was nothing special on their minds.  I was so touched!  I told them how thoughtful I thought it was, and after thanking them all, asked them whose idea it was and how they organized it without me knowing about it.

    They said that when I attended the neighborhood association meeting last week on Tuesday, ds16 and dd13 together thought of the idea (dd15 was in NY for a couple of days attending the wedding of a camp counselor and then a camp bunk reunion). They emailed the editor of the newsletter with the wording and called someone else to arrange payment.  They’re all chipping in for it – the youngest of the middles are paying $2 each and the older kids are each paying $5 or more (it’s $36 total).

    Then dh came home (he had gone to a different minyan/service than the older kids).   The kids had asked me how I would bring it to his attention so that he was surprised, since they said he wouldn’t notice on his own.  After our meal started, I showed him something of interest immediately above it, thinking there was no way that he wouldn’t notice all those familiar names just a couple of lines below.  But he didn’t!  Then dd15 and I caught each other’s eye and burst out laughing, so when he asked what was so funny, I showed him the dedication.  He also thought it was so sweet.

    It’s so nice when your children want to show their appreciation for you, without any prompting, just because they care.

    Avivah

  • Why am I insisting he attend?

    As an update to my last post on the All Star game, which I wrote right before leaving, ds11 did great.  It was a really good game since it was the best 22 kids in the league playing one another, and there were some fantastic plays.  Ds hit the only home run of the entire game, which was exciting since none of the other players hit more than a double.  I wanted to be sure that he heard me cheering so I was quite…um….loud.

    Dd15 and dd13 were laughing at me but when they asked him if he heard me screaming (to which I responded with mock dignity that I wasn’t screaming, I was whooping and hollering – much better), but he didn’t hear anything.  But it’s okay, because he appreciated hearing about it anyway; he knows it was only in support of him that I did it.   I haven’t been able to go to most of his games this season and he wanted me to see him doing well, so I’m glad I was there.  It was quite exciting, and even his coach, who is very exacting, was very pleased with ds.

    Right before I left I notified the coach that ds11 wouldn’t be there on Sunday because of the graduation.  The coach looked distinctly unhappy but realized it was unavoidable after quizzing me about the time and location.  On the drive home, ds then told me that he HAS to go to this game on Sunday, that it’s the game for the playoffs and his team doesn’t have a chance of winning without him.  And that his coach is counting on him to pitch for three innings.  And that if his team doesn’t make it to the playoffs then it will be his fault, and if they do lose, it’s the last game they’ll play in the season and he won’t have a chance to say goodbye to any of his teammates.

    He’s a very persuasive boy.   All my kids were agreeing that he needed to play on Sunday and ditch the graduation.  Why should he be bored sitting through a ceremony that he didn’t value at all when he could be playing this important game that everyone was counting on him for?  (I don’t know if everyone is counting on him to this degree, but it is true that he’s a very good player and likely to make a positive difference to the game outcome.)  And, he continued, it would be much more fun for him.  Ds16 and dd15 told me they think he should go to his baseball game also, that not only don’t they mind if he misses the graduation, but they want him to go to his game.  There was not one bit of support from my kids for him to miss the baseball game.

    So what to do?  I had a momentary dilemma – why not let him go?  No one in our family would be upset if he wasn’t there, and everyone on his team would be happy about him being at his baseball game.  A graduation ceremony isn’t the most exciting and participatory event for attendees, and it’s true that he probably will be bored to a degree.  So why force him to go and be miserable when there really isn’t much of a gain for anyone if he goes?

    After thinking for a minute, here’s what I told him.  This isn’t a question of what you’d rather be doing.  It’s about what you should be doing.  And what you should be doing is supporting your siblings at an important commemorative event that everyone in our family is participating in.  While right now it doesn’t look like a big deal to you, looking back on it, your absence will be missed and will be remembered (and probably regretted), while your chance to play baseball will continue every season for the next few years.  It doesn’t matter if it’s fun for you or not, because the decision isn’t made based on what’s fun but on what is right.

    Today at lunch the issue came up again (you can’t blame him for trying :)).  Dh didn’t participate in the original conversation but today reminded the kids about a family we’re friendly with in which all the extended relatives are very supportive of one another, and how much our kids have commented on how nice that is.  And he said that there closeness happened because their mother insisted on them being there for each other when they were younger (that’s what the mother and married kids have said) and that support has continued even as they’ve gotten married and had children.  “Just like Mommy is doing,”  he concluded.

    So while he’d still rather be playing baseball, ds has gracefully accepted it.  Now he’s hoping that he game will be rained out so that it will be postponed until Tuesday, when he can be there!

    Avivah

  • A long day ending with a nice call

    I’ve had a long and busy day, and am feeling physically and emotionally wiped out tonight.  I started the day by attending the end of the year activity sponsored by my umbrella homeschool organization, and went directly from there to our local monthly homeschool gathering.  There’s no way I’m going to even think about touching the dishes in the sink until the morning!

    Today I had an extremely awkward situation arise, and though I handled it in the best way that could be expected and was satisfied with my response, I’m very unhappy about the entire situation – this is why I’m so emotionally worn out.  I acted according to guidelines recommended to me by the rabbis of the community, and even though I should feel reassured that I did what I was told to do, I don’t feel at peace at all.  I’ve written here about listening to your inner voice and being true to yourself, and in this case I feel like I’ve violated my own sense of right and wrong.

    It’s a complicated situation and there are many people involved in different aspects, and when the rabbi of the other party called afterward to discuss the situation with me for a half hour, I was very direct about my concerns with him, but I also was open to his perspective and told him I shared some of his feelings.  I’ve left a message for my rabbi that it’s important that we discuss this issue at more length and hope that with some intense discussion and clarification, that this situation can be handled in a way that is more congruent with my values in the future.

    Meanwhile, it had gotten very late and my kids were still awake and hadn’t eaten dinner.  I was so tired of everything right at that moment – the kids, the noise, the meal that hadn’t been prepared since we didn’t get home until 7:30 and then I was dealing with all of this, the house waiting to be cleaned up, and all I wanted to do was fall into bed.  I was so emotionally overloaded that I didn’t want to be around the kids for even two more minutes.  And then the phone rang.

    Someone identified himself by name, then asked me if I have a child who learns at x location in the morning.  ‘Yes’, I say.  ‘Does he learn in this particular part of the building?’  Yes.  ‘And sometimes he learns with a younger boy, sometimes by himself?’  Right.  ‘Is that also your son?’  (I was really starting to wonder where we were going with this line of questioning.)  “Mmm, yes.  Is there something you want to tell me that I don’t want to hear?”

    “Well,” he says, “every day I see this young man, and notice that he’s always either learning by himself and taking notes or learning with a younger boy.  I could tell they got along very well together but I couldn’t tell if they were brothers – at first I thought the older one was tutoring the younger one.   I was impressed with both of them.  I work at the local school but I didn’t recognize them, and I wondered what they were doing there.  One morning I noticed the last name embroidered on the tefillin bag, and today I was reading your article in the (local magazine) when at the end I saw your name and that you homeschool your children and have two older children who are graduating.  So I suddenly realized, this must be the mother of these boys.  And I had to call and tell you what special children you have, that you’re obviously doing something right not just with your homeschooling, but as a parent.”

    After thanking him a couple of times for taking the time to call a stranger just to tell them something nice about their children (isn’t that amazing??), I thought about how grateful I was that this call came at just the right moment, to help me recenter myself before I had a chance to act like the overtired witch I was feeling like.  Even though I was still exhausted, it changed my state of mind, and I was able to shift away from those negative feelings inside and be pleasant with the kids.   Isn’t it remarkable, the ways of H-shem and people, to send something so nice my way at just the right moment?

    Avivah

  • More about Israel high school option

    I’ve had some questions about the program I mentioned considering for my daughter – I’d be engaging in wishful thinking if I said the response of most people to this idea has been positive. There seems to be widespread disbelief that I would consider this option, and I think part of this is because I haven’t addressed some understandable concerns so people think that I haven’t considered them.

    First of all, I want to be clear that nothing has been decided.  She hasn’t been accepted yet and we haven’t decided if we’ll definitely let her go if she is accepted.  It’s possible I’ll learn new information that will totally change our current view and shift our decision in the opposite direction, but at this point it’s heavily leaning toward sending her.

    >>I don’t understand why you would send your child to high school when she’s already graduating this year.  She doesn’t need it and it seems like a waste of her time.<<

    Not only have I been asked this several times, but this is definitely the response dd is getting from all her friends.  This response underscores a major difference in how I look at education and how most people look at it.  Dd will have her high school diploma in 2 months.  She doesn’t NEED to go to more school to earn credits.  However, we see learning more as a positive, as something more than just transcripts, credits, and tests.  Although this is definitely a high school program, dd sees it more like a post-high school option for her, a chance to experience a different culture, learn a new language, meet new people – very much like a foreign exchange or transfer student.  She sees the value of the learning itself and the inherent gain in becoming a better educated person, and loves the idea of getting to travel and have new experiences.  She was planning to attend community college in the fall and this is a nice time to take a break without setting herself back significantly with her college plans.

    >>Isn’t she going to be bored ?<<

    No, because high schools across the world (and this country!) have different curricula; they’re not all teaching the same information.  I expect that most of what she is taught will be new to her.  History and geography will be of a different country, writing skills can always use improvement, and she’ll be doing intensive language studies for Hebrew.  The science and math classes are supposedly at a higher level than here in the US; if the testing she did last week at her screening is an accurate indication, then she feels it will be very challenging.  Additionally, math is taught using the spiral approach rather than the strictly linear approach that we have.  To my understanding, she’ll also be taking math class in Hebrew, which in and of itself will be challenging since she doesn’t yet have much experience with conversational Hebrew.  There are also three options regarding the difficulty of the classes that she can choose from.  And of course there’s the experience of being in a new country, going on trips, meeting new people – it’s not all about academics by any means!

    >>And about your daughter…Bnei Akiva is also different…talk about future values…come on, you protected your kids until now….from all that I have gathered about you and your family, this is not what I would have thought you would choose for your kids…<<

    You don’t use the same tool in every situation – a hammer is a great tool, but sometimes you need a screwdriver.  Different goals necessitate different choices; we view this as primarily an academic experience with spiritual possibilities, not a spiritual experience with academic possibilities, and are discussing it and preparing her for this accordingly. As an academic choice in a religious girls setting I feel that this program has the potential to be a very positive experience for her on a number of levels.  While it’s true that there are differences in worldview between us and those running this program, I don’t believe they’re inherently as significant as they they may seem.  (I’m not naive and I lived in Israel for ten years; I think I have a fairly accurate sense of what the differences in perspective are.)

    I also feel that you can learn and grow from all people.  The people running this program have solid values; they’re good people.   I’m not afraid of the differences – I think learning to embrace differences and respect others who make different choices, while maintaining your sense of who you are, is a sign of maturity; at least for me it has been.  This is something that has been part of how I’ve raised my kids; that you can and should have strong beliefs but that shouldn’t mean looking down on others.

    >>AND, at 15 years old???  Really young and vulnerable to send away.. Please – rethink this!  The(y) have totally different tznius (Avivah’s translation – modesty) standards…can she keep to hers withstanding peer pressure?<<

    I went to Israel to study for a  year when I was 16, but because I graduated 12th grade along with my (older) peers, not one person ever commented to my mother with any concern about my age.  I agree that 15 is very young, but I also don’t think that there’s a magic number when a child is ready.  I was a dorm counselor in a girls seminary abroad, and I saw how many 18 and 19 year olds were immature and not ready to appropriately handle the independence from their families.  It’s not about the number, it’s about the readiness of the person to handle the experience.  Dd will be almost 16 when she goes; we wouldn’t consider sending a child of any age who hadn’t already demonstrated the necessary maturity and levelheadedness, but dd has proven she has these qualities time and again.

    We’ve discussed some challenges that will probably be part of her experience, and part of that is that we have different expectations for her than what some of her peers may be allowed, particularly regarding level of immersion in secular culture and mores of dressing.  However, she’s also experienced this in camp for the last three summers – she’s been very grounded in her response and handled it gracefully.  I realize that there’s a difference between being away for four weeks and for ten months – but as parents, after we’ve done the best we can to inculcate them with our values, we have to gradually let them try out their wings. Trusting our kids is more than lip service; to trust them means we give them opportunities to make choices.  That can be scary for a parent because there’s no guarantee that they’ll choose what you want, but this is part of the growing up process.

    In my opinion, peer dependence is the biggest concern for any parent in an environment in which kids are surrounded by same age peers all day – including your average local schools.  Dd not only hasn’t been immersed in a culture that pressures kids to conform to whatever their peers are doing for the last ten years (thereby making her less susceptible to doing things just because her peers do), but will be one of the oldest in her class and tends to be socially confident.  The combination means that I’m significantly less concerned about peer pressure/dependence than I’d be if she were one of the youngest.   She knows that you can be a fun and well-liked person without compromising your values.  Again, she’s been in this role before and is comfortable with it.

    >>I know the free schooling is enticing but at what price???<<

    Important decisions can’t be made based primarily on the dollars involved, even for a super frugal person like me.  There are things you do not because it’s cheaper, but because it has a value to you.   For example, I spend much more on alternative doctors, herbs, supplements rather than take my kids to the doctors/give them medications covered by my insurance.   I also spend a lot more on food than I would if health weren’t a priority to me.  We pay for homebirths out of pocket though I could have my entire pregnancy and hospital stay paid for by insurance.  So obviously getting something for free isn’t the most important criteria to me, since I’ve repeatedly demonstrated with other choices that our decisions are made based on if it matches our goals.

    Not only that, free tuition in and of itself isn’t necessarily a significant savings over the alternative for dd.  I’ve successfully homeschooled for almost a decade now and spent less than $7000 on all six of the school age kids during that time ($5500 of which was for religious studies tutoring for my oldest ds).   So you can see that the costs of homeschooling aren’t exactly breaking me financially – it’s cost me less than $50 this past year for her academic costs.

    In fact, sending dd to this program will be more expensive than keeping her here.  Thanks to financial aid and scholarship money (just got a message a couple of days ago about a $500 scholarship she needs to claim in the next two weeks before it goes to someone else),  community college tuition and books will be entirely covered if she stays home for the coming year.   Just the ticket and passport expenses necessary for travel overseas will run about $1500, and she’ll certainly need some kind of spending money for the year!  I overheard a couple of parents at the screening talking about how they could use the money they’re saving on tuition for a family trip to Israel to visit their child, or to buy the child a laptop with Skype so they can easily keep in touch – but that’s not my reality.  I’m considering this in spite of the costs to me, because technically the more frugal thing to do would be to keep her home.

    I have so many, many thoughts on aspects of this decision and there are a number of points that could be discussed in depth (certainly I’ve thought about them in depth!).  One crucial factor in making this decision is that we know our daughter – and we have a lot of confidence in her.

    Avivah

  • The accident…..

    This past Shabbos (Sabbath) we sponsored a communal meal in honor of the tenth anniversary of an accident involving my now sixteen year old son.  We felt it was important for us to publically thank G-d for all that He has done for us, and I wanted to share here with all of you as well what happened then, and why we continue to be so grateful.

    At about this time of year on the Jewish calendar comes a minor holiday called Lag B’omer.  It doesn’t even have the status of a minor holiday; it’s more minor than that!  But in Israel, where I was living ten years ago, it’s a day celebrated with great fun and celebration.  Boys of all ages spend weeks collecting any scrap wood or cardboard boxes they can find for the traditional Lag B’omer bonfires.  There are numerous fires that are built in all neighborhoods, where people sing special songs, dance, sometimes roasting potatoes and hot dogs.   It’s a lot of fun!

    My then six year old son wasn’t immune to the excitement building among his friends, and one day asked for permission to go down the block with a friend and look for some bonfire materials.  I have to explain that in the small religious town we were living, it was very normal for young children to go out unsupervised by a parent.  It was a very peaceful and quiet area, and my children there could do things that I’d be uncomfortable with them doing here in the US when they were much older.  (For example, one day I allowed my ds6 to take dd5 to the major supermarket about a five minute walk away – here in the US my kids don’t leave my sight in the supermarket, let alone go in and buy something by themselves!)

    So I agreed that he could go down the block, the distance of about a four minute walk from our small apartment building.  A little while later there was a knock on the door, and I opened it to find the 5 year old brother of the friend ds with his 19 year old aunt.  He said something rapidly in a mixture of Hebrew and English, but even though I understood the actual words, it didn’t make sense to me, so I told him to repeat himself.  He said it again, then his aunt yanked him away as if he was saying nonsense.  I closed the door, and tried to figure out what he was talking about – it still didn’t make sense, and it was even more confusing that if something was wrong, why wouldn’t the 19 year old tell me about it?

    But it made even less sense that this child would say something so strange to me out of the blue.  So a minute later, I decided to just make sure everything was okay.  I ran downstairs and looked up and down the block to see if anything had happened involving my ds.  No sign of anything.  No sign of any people, no noise – everything seemed calm and quiet.

    I came back inside, having seen everything looked fine, but feeling inside myself that something was very wrong.  Dh was there for his lunch break, and I told him I was going out to look for ds and wanted him to come with me.  No explanation.  I grabbed the baby, and went back down the block where I had looked already, but this time I went a little further, where the street began to curve, so I hadn’t seen what lay right behind the curve.  And as I did, I saw a passenger bus pulled to the side of the street, a crowd of emergency workers, and my ds in the middle of them all.

    As I approached, one of them (I think it was my son’s principal, who was also a volunteer EMT), said to me in Hebrew with great emotion, “You have just experienced a miracle.”  Having already spoken to the driver of the bus and the passengers on board, he went on to explain what happened.

    It seemed my ds had decided to cross the street to get a cardboard box on the other side.  Having been taught to carefully look both ways before crossing, he did, and only started crossing when he was sure it was safe.  He had no way to know that a bus driving at a high speed was about to bear down on him.  The driver was going at full speed, and though he was in a residential neighborhood and children at play were common, rounded the blind curve without slowing down – and then saw ds.   The driver tried to brake and swerve away, but there wasn’t enough time.  Ds6 was hit by the front corner of the bus and thrown across the street by the force of contact.

    The passengers on board who saw what happened thought he had been killed.  But after a couple of minutes, he regained consciousness and began crying.   That’s how he looked when we saw him.  We didn’t know the extent of his injuries – just that he was still alive.  Dh went with him to the hospital while I stayed home with the other three kids.  I still feel sick when I remember the feeling of fear in my stomach, waiting to know what happened.  None of my friends or neighbors came by- they were just learning about it themselves, and I think they were were afraid to be intrusive or say the wrong thing.  While it was a lonely feeling, some moments are so intense that maybe it’s best if it’s just between you and G-d.

    Hours later a call finally came from the hospital.  Unbelievably, the only major injury he experienced was a collarbone fracture (in addition to minor injuries, like large areas of skin on his arms and legs that were rubbed off, bleeding from the ear).  They did a brain scan and ascertained that his brain was fine – brain damage had been my main fear.  There’s no physical explanation for how my son escaped virtually unscathed from an accident that should have left him dead or brain damaged for life.  I felt as if a sword had been hanging over the head of our family, and something pushed it to the side at the last minute.  And I (and many others) believe that was it was in the merit of one particular thing that my son was saved.

    About eight months before this, the aunt of my best friend had been killed in a tragic accident.  She had been waiting to cross a street in Jerusalem, when the Arab driver of a huge tractor/bulldozer indicated to her that she could cross; as she was halfway across, he purposely ran her down.  She was a wonderful person, always positive and smiling, the mother of seven young children.  It happened the day after Rosh Hashana, the day when the fate of every person is decided for the coming year, and it left me feeling shaken inside.

    I felt that I wanted to actively do something as a merit for her soul.  (Very simplified explanation: after a person has died, they have no way to do good deeds and earn ‘credit’ for themselves.  But those who are living can do good deeds in memory of the person who has died, in order that the deceased has increasing merits to benefit their soul.)  After thinking about what I could do, I decided to host a weekly gathering in my home where women could gather and say Psalms together.  I got a special set of Psalms that was broken up into a number of booklets; each person would read a different booklet and the idea was that together the entire book of Psalms was said within a 20 – 30 minute period.

    This wasn’t an easy thing to get started – you know how it is, everyone is busy!  But I persisted and more and more women began to attend.  It was about eight months later when the accident happened, eight months in which I thought I was gathering merits for the soul of a person tragically killed in an accident involving a large vehicle.  Eight months in which I was actually gathering merits to save my own child from what should have been a tragic accident involving a large vehicle.

    Avivah

  • Bargain clothes shopping

    A couple of days I took a day trip with my oldest kids to do some shopping for apparel. Specifically the oldest three wanted to get shoes and the girls and I needed summer tops.  I had the great idea to take them to an outlet mall, where supposedly prices are much better than at the non-outlet stores for the same brands.  Before we got to the outlet mall, we passed a Goodwill in the neighborhood we were doing our food shopping, and decided to pop in to see if we could find anything suitable.

    Turns out all womens’ cotton knit tops were on sale that week at 2/$5, and the more expensive ones were 2/$10.  You had to have a discount card to get this price, but I figured it was worth $4.25 to buy discount card that I could use for a year – especially since we saved $24 on our first purchase as a result (after the cost of the discount card we saved $19.75).  That was a nice bit of fun shopping, since in addition to saving money on nice shirts (mostly name brand and all good quality – we got 16 tops and a few other items for $55) it saved us the time of having to go in and out of lots of other stores looking for clothes.

    Then we spent a long time in the outlet stores, and all of them were getting more tired and disappointed with the prices and selection as time went on.  I was so glad when my ds16 found a pair of nice shoes at Bass – they were $30 and had been marked down 75% (down from $119).  He was looking for something very specific and was pleased with his purchase; I was pleased that after all of our time in the stores, that someone finally found something they wanted!

    As we drove away, my dd13 said the prices were ‘kind of disappointing’.  I never thought about the situation I’ve created until then – my kids are used to having nice quality clothes, but they’re also used to my very low purchase prices (thanks to careful thrift store shopping, hitting seasonal sales at retail stores, and clothing exchanges with friends).  They aren’t used to spending top dollar for the kind of clothes they’re used to wearing, and they kept saying nothing they were looking at was worth the money.  One of them said, “Now I know why people think having kids is expensive – they must be dressing their kids from head to toe in stores like that!”

    Then as we were driving by just a few minutes later, I noticed another Goodwill and spontaneously asked the kids if they wanted to stop in there.  This Goodwill had something I’ve never seen around here (the Salvation Army in Seattle had something similar, though), a bargain room.  The bargain room (or whatever it was called) was a separate Goodwill store next to the regular Goodwill, where all clothes were put after they hadn’t sold for a given amount of time.  All the prices were low, low, low.  But it wasn’t nicely organized or arranged on racks – you had to hunt through things to find what you wanted. There was nothing wrong with the items themselves, though – I saw some clothing that still had the original retail tags on them.

    Within a minute of walking in, I found galoshes for ds16 – he had literally said five minutes before we walked in that he needs to get galoshes for his new shoes to protect them in rainy weather (since he walks back and forth to shul/synagogue daily, regardless of weather), and these were the perfect fit and style for the dress shoes he bought.  $1.50.  Then he found a really nice pair of shoes of leather shoes in great condition – another $1.50.  🙂  He wore them all day yesterday and said he can’t believe it, but he likes them as much or maybe even more than the new shoes he got at Bass, that he was VERY happy with.  (Ds has a very nice sense of style and somewhat expensive taste in clothing – which is why he wanted new shoes even though he had two excellent pairs of shoes that I bought him – the style wasn’t ‘just so’.)  Then he found a white dress shirt for .75 and a raincoat for $2.  You might expect that kids would rather shop for new clothes in retail stores because it’s supposedly ‘cooler’; it’s funny but after doing all the shopping we did at the outlets, all of them appreciated a thrift store like this much more!

    I’m not allowed to tell you what I bought for anyone else because I can’t embarrass my kids by telling you the amazing bargains we found.  😆  Actually, pretend I didn’t mention the above finds at the first Goodwill.  They don’t want their friends scrutinizing their clothes after hearing from their mothers who read this blog and wondering what we got at a thrift store and what we paid retail prices for.  You mothers who tell your kids what you read here should know that you’re seriously limiting my ability to write anything!! 😆 I told them that I highly doubted their friends would be put off that they got so many nice clothes at a fraction of what most of their peers would pay for the same thing, but whatever.

    I guess you can say my kids have officially recognized the value of thrift store shopping for themselves!  It was a fun day and nice to come home laden with our purchases.  Even shopping with fashion-conscious teens doesn’t have to break the bank!

    Avivah

  • The crowd isn’t where you want to be

    Last night I took three of my older children to a magnificent recital by Leon Fleisher.  The story of Fleisher is very inspiring – he was a child prodigy and at age 16 was singled out as by a famous conductor as being ‘the pianist find of the century’.  But in 1965 he was struck with a neurological affliction known as focal dystonia and lost the use of two fingers on his right hand; he was told he would never regain use of this hand.

    He mastered a number of difficult piano pieces using only his left hand (one of which he performed last night), and after four decades, regained the use of his right hand.  He is now 82 years old.  Can you imagine what it must be like after so many years to regain the use of your hand – particularly for someone whose life passion was the piano? A film was made about him called Two Hands, which was nominated for an Oscar and an Emmy.  I’m going to see if we can find it at the library, since I’m sure the kids would enjoy seeing it after hearing him play.  We also stayed for the question and answer session with him afterward, which added more perspective to our view of him – it’s nice to see people who have accomplished great things and remember that they are simply people.

    On our way out of the packed parking lot, there were many cars waiting in line to exit.  We noticed that despite the efforts of the man who was directing the traffic out of the lot, all of the dozens of the drivers were turning right, though the attendant was vigorously indicating they needed to turn left.  When it was finally my turn, I broke with ‘tradition’ and turned left.  After a couple of minutes as I tried to figure out where I was going, I saw this allowed me to quickly get to the main street, rapidly bypassing all of those who had turned right and were backed up, still waiting to get onto the main street from the second exit.  Right after we got onto the main street, one of the kids glanced behind us and were shocked to find that there was a long stream of cars who followed me.  I explained to them the proven psychological phenomena they were witnessing.

    People take their social cues from those around them, regardless of the evidence to the contrary.  The social reasoning is, if everyone else is doing it, it must be right.  The attendant couldn’t have been more clear about what direction they should go in, and intellectually it’s reasonable to assume he’s been hired to make your life easier by keeping traffic going smoothly.  But when people see all of those in front of them doing one thing, it’s very difficult not to follow – you start to think there must be something that everyone is aware of and are appropriately responding to, though you don’t see it.

    But I was willing to take a chance going in a different direction, since I couldn’t see how it could negatively affect me – after all, this person’s job is to make my experience there pleasant!  And once I was willing to go in a different direction, the cars behind me were willing to follow my cues.  Had anything else changed? No – it was the same parking lot, same attendant, doing the same thing. The only thing that was different was the reaction of the driver in front of them.  All it took was one person willing to turn in a different direction, and suddenly the drivers behind me were willing to pay attention to the energetic efforts of the parking lot attendant and go in the direction he indicated.

    As I pointed out to my kids last night, “you can see what happens to those who follow the crowd without thinking”.  Following the crowd generally isn’t what you want to do in life.  Happiness isn’t there, peace of mind isn’t there, meaning and joy aren’t there.  Conformity and social approval are there, though – and in a society that values conformity more than critical thinking skills, that’s of primary value to many people.

    Many things I believed to be facts have been turned upside down after significant research (birthing practices; parenting; nutrition – many, many aspects; health – eg role of vaccinations; education).  Despite being a conservative person by nature who doesn’t like to stand out or make waves, I’ll make what is a very strong statement, but over the years I’ve become increasingly convinced it’s true.  If you’re following the crowd, it’s a good clue that you may be going in the wrong direction, and need to closely examine what you’re doing to be sure it’s in alignment with your true values. The crowd is heavily peer dependent and doesn’t make choices based on individual needs or intelligent though, and group think is a reality in almost every area of life.

    Life lessons can be found everywhere, can’t they? 😆

    Avivah