Category Archives: personal development

When an angry driver screamed at my son, bringing him to tears

parenting, personal development

I was upstairs on my porch when I heard loud yelling close by. I peered over my railing and saw a man screaming at my twelve year old son.

Now, you have to know that this son is a really, really good kid. Respectful, helpful, kind. What could someone be angry with him about?

This.

This is a path through agricultural fields – it’s meant to be used only by tractors for planting and harvesting but cars started using it as a shortcut. Yavneel is so small that this shortcut saves them literally about one minute of driving time. It’s bumpy and pitted, not something you’d want to drive on, but people sometimes do.

This morning my son was outside watching his two younger siblings, and the driver of a van coming through the fields from the opposite side encountered these rocks in the path and jumped out of his van. He began yelling; this is when I heard the shouting and came running.

I found my son in tears, moving the rocks aside and when I asked him what happened, he told me the guy screamed at him to clear the path. I told him to stop immediately and then spoke with the very agitated driver.

After a few minutes, he explained he was having a hard morning and apologized for getting so upset (he even tried to hug my son, who absolutely did not want to be touched by him). I told him I was sorry to hear that.

He then said, he’s been using this path for years every single morning and now is upset it’s been blocked. Now, I know this path hasn’t been in use for the last 2.5 months since it’s been blocked since before I moved here, but I also realized at some point it hadn’t been blocked up and he must have been using it before the corona quarantine.

I explained to him that it had been blocked for safety reasons because it’s not a road, and asked him if he would mind terribly to go around instead. I explained that children play here at the end of our block (which is more like a paved path than a street), that I have two young children with special needs and it is so much safer for them not to have cars using this as a shortcut. He quieted down and that’s when my neighbors heard what was happening and came over.

They both told him that this isn’t an official road and he shouldn’t be driving here.

As much as I appreciated the neighborly support and everything they said was said without yelling, this triggered him back into arguing to protect his ego. His demeanor shifted back to yelling. He said angrily, “She (meaning me) asked me nicely and I would stop using this path as a kindness to her, but now you’re telling me I’m not allowed to use this and you’re wrong.”

‘I’m right, you’re wrong.’ This never leads to anything productive. People just get increasingly entrenched in their positions.

To discuss points of disagreement with others, we must 1) be willing to see things through their eyes and 2) recognize how easily what we say can be perceived as a personal attack. It’s not easy to see others with differing viewpoints as well-intended, but there’s no productive conversation possible if you assume the other person is selfish, self-centered, and out to hurt you or your rights.

In the end, I followed him back to his car and said, “You’re right, it’s not an official road but this path has been used by cars and you’re allowed to drive here also. I’m asking you as a personal favor for the safety of the local children if you would mind going around instead.” He agreed.

Avivah

Wistful as ‘corona times’ coming to an end

homemaking, homeschooling, parenting, personal development

Yesterday I drove my seventeen year old son to the bus station. He returned to his yeshiva, this time as a dorming student. Today I’ll take my nineteen year old daughter to the bus station as she moves out and begins a new job in Jerusalem. My husband will be going back to the office in a couple of days. (My twenty-one year old son studies at a very large yeshiva which hasn’t yet reopened so he’s still home.)

It’s been two months with everyone home – my husband and eight of our children – and this time has been incredibly precious to me.

Even when everyone else in the family was home together, my husband was always working and missing out. Now he’s been working from home and has been with us throughout the day, something he and I have dreamed of. It’s literally our ideal life.

Though I’d have preferred to have my three year old at home, as a foster child that option wasn’t available. Thanks to this situation, he’s been home for the last two months and won’t have to go back to school until the beginning of the school year. That’s a six month long reprieve for him and he’s thriving.

All of my children above the age of 10 except for one actively opposed moving. They really, really, really didn’t want to move. They loved living in RBS, they had friends and connections and a sense of belonging. My older three kids expected to be sporadic visitors with no sense of meaningful connection in our new community.

This was a move that none of them saw as benefiting them in any way. It would only make their lives more difficult, as two of our kids living at home would have to find somewhere else to live once we moved, and it would be a long trip whenever they came back home for a visit. A visit to a place where they didn’t want to be, didn’t belong and didn’t connect with.

Covid-19 changed everything for us.

First of all, I didn’t take anyone away from the life they loved by moving here. Corona regulations had already taken it all away before we moved. They couldn’t spend time with friends or participate in any of the activities they enjoyed. They couldn’t even go outside for a walk.

Moving became a solution rather than a problem.

We moved at the most beautiful time of year, with the most perfect weather, to the most beautiful part of the country. Even at the times with the most restrictions, we could be outside in our large yard and the younger kids could play in the fields next to the house.

There was so much to do once we moved, and that work was shared by everyone. This made our move so, so, so much easier, and also created a sense of involvement and connection to our new home.

Synagogues were closed when we moved and people were staying to themselves. My 21 year old son organized a minyan (prayer service) three times a day that met the quarantine guidelines – four of our family members prayed in our backyard, our next door neighbor prayed in his back yard, and the men in the two houses behind us prayed from their front yards and porches – everyone in their own space and at the same time, everyone together.

These were all people who usually would pray in different synagogues and not have mutual meeting points. Our older boys and my husband had a chance to meet neighbors they would have hardly seen otherwise. As the restrictions eased, the rest of us have gotten to know our immediate neighbors, too. It’s been over twenty years since I felt this connected to my neighbors – ironic, at a time of social distancing to feel so connected, isn’t it?

As a family, we have never had the level of relaxed connection and time together that we experienced during the last two months. Not even when I was homeschooling nine children at once. The time together was enhanced by the fact that there was nowhere else to be. This allowed everyone to relax and be present in the moment, without the urgency of needing/wanting to be somewhere else. It was a rare opportunity to us all to experience this inner quiet simultaneously for an extended period.

What do our children think about us moving now? Everything has been so much better than any of us expected. They not only like it a lot, but think it was a great decision to move here! That’s pretty amazing considering their feelings before we came.

In the last few weeks things have gradually been reopening and that’s a good thing. That’s a very, very good thing.

At the same time, I feel so wistful and almost sad that this time is ending. This has been an incredibly valuable and beautiful time that could not have been more perfectly scripted for our family. I hope we can find ways to continue to create this feeling as the busyness of life resumes.

As our older kids are starting to move out, it’s a comfort that this new place has become a place where they belong, a home where they’ll want to come back to.

Avivah

Enjoying being together in the quarantine period

homemaking, parenting, personal development

My family was discussing what aspects of this quarantine period they appreciate, and here is some of what they shared:

  • no rushing, being able to go at a more relaxed pace
  • enjoying being at home and participating instead of feeling there’s something else you’d rather be doing and resenting being asked to help out
  • family meals three times a day
  • working together on projects
  • being more patient and kind to your siblings
  • my husband working from home
  • no need to get the younger boys to school and from school and therapies

Having moved a month ago and having a bigger space has been a nice plus, but everyone felt we would have done just fine if we had stayed where we were, too. Some things would have been different, but we would have still enjoyed being together.

It takes time to learn to be together around the clock. Lots of families are feeling very challenged by this, and it’s okay to not love it and it’s okay to want it to be over.

But it’s also an opportunity many families are enjoying. One father told my son, “I realized I never knew who my kids were, and now I’m getting to know them.” There’s now a global opportunity to experience a deeper level of connection with our families.

If you’re struggling, realize you can make your thoughts work for you by shifting perspectives. There are plenty of negatives that we can all find and if you focus on that, it’s going to be hard! Being able to view this time as a positive opportunity is the first step to opening the door to a more positive and enjoyable experience.

For me, the togetherness and being able to make our own schedule has always been the best part of homeschooling, and I’m really loving having that again!

Avivah

How to keep going when it feels too hard

personal development

>>How do you keep going when it is so very painful to exist in this world? I rarely share my problems. I always feel like other people probably have it worse. What keeps you going? If you have any wisdom for me, I’m all ears.<<

This weekend I received this question, and though I’ve composed a private message with more specifics to the writer, I realize this is a question a lot of people may have now, so I’m sharing the general part of my response here.

In the past I’ve shared the beliefs that have helped me get through hard times, and today I’ll expand on that with a practical tool that has been transformative for me.

Gratitude – The darker and more difficult times are, the more critical it is to look for the things to feel grateful for. I keep a notebook of things that I appreciate. This isn’t an academic exercise to get it down on paper and go on with my day! I use it as an anchor to focus and reflect on.

As I think about the positive things, I try to really feel how good each of those things are. I consciously fill my mind with all that is good and going right. When I start to go off track into negative thoughts, I pull my thoughts back to the good. The more I can do this, the happier and more content I feel.

This is really important because if you don’t consciously fill your mind with positive thoughts, fear and anxiety and negativity will flood you. That’s the natural default we are all societally set at. (You can see this very much right now in the news, on social media and just about every single place you visit online or in person.)

Activating your gratitude practice is definitely a mental exercise! The more you do it, the easier it gets and the more you do it, the better life feels. The better you feel about life, the more things in your life will shift for the good. The challenge is to feel good even before the external circumstances look good, because this is what brings more good into your life.

This might seem too simple, too pat – but gratitude is a powerful practice that will shift your perspective even while things are tough, and improve your life as time goes on. I can’t stress enough how powerful this can be.

Avivah

Why you shouldn’t try to homeschool now

homeschooling, personal development


“You may have to help some people out now that the whole country will have to homeschool.” This was the first message I got, minutes after the announcement that schools would be closed was made.

Since then, I’ve been seeing lots of social media postings and receiving queries. As a veteran homeschooling mom of 19 years, I knew that the first days would be a flurry of unrealistic schedules guaranteed to exhaust everyone. I also knew that after a day or two of the schedule, parents would be ready to throw in the towel.

Unless you find it a comforting and relaxing term, stop saying that you’re homeschooling. You aren’t automatically homeschooling when your kids are at home instead of in school. You don’t say you’re homeschooling when it’s spring break or summer vacation. This is the same thing – they are having an extended school vacation, albeit unplanned and unexpected.

You know why the term you use matter? Because it determines what you expect of yourselves, and at a time when you have much more stress and pressure than usual, please don’t add to it by thinking you should be homeschooling on top of everything else. Really. Let the homeschooling thing go.

If you are one of many trying to get your kids onto their online classes, trying to fit it all in and juggles screen time for more than one child is likely to add tremendously to your stress. Use the online classes or assignments that your children may have been sent from teachers only if it adds to everyone’s general calm and contentment. My eight grader loves getting onto his WhatsApp class but he also doesn’t feel he has to do every single one, and when he misses one it’s no big deal.

The online classes and assignments are intended to be supportive; consider them a suggestion, not a requirement. Hopefully the administration of your child’s school sees this the same way, but they are also trying to figure this out in a very short time and will need time to find their balance.

If you think it’s fun to play math games with your kids, go ahead. But your focus should be on helping everyone adjust to being at home together all day. Look for what sparks joy. If something doesn’t sound appealing for you or your kids, don’t do it. There are plenty of other things to do.

If you feel like it’s only been a few days and you’re already ready to rip out your hair, take a deep breath. No matter how inadequate you may be feeling in the moment, you’re doing fine. You’ve been thrown into the deep end of a pool and shouldn’t expect yourself to be an expert swimmer as soon as you hit the water.

After letting go of unrealistic expectations and being kind to yourself, my next suggestion is this:

  • Menu plan – you’re going to be cooking much more than you’re used to and you may be astonished how much kids who are home can eat! You and the kids will all be much more relaxed when mealtimes are regular and predictable. (I have dozens of weekly menu plans in my menu plan category.)

Seriously, this is really, really important. It doesn’t matter how simple or boring the meals are, just make it regular. Do this and it will feel like your home is functional. Don’t do this, and you’ll want to scream at the next person who tells you they’re hungry and asks you what there is to eat!

I’ll be sharing more thoughts in future posts, and am happy to respond to specific questions. I also have hundreds of posts in the homeschooling category of my archives that answer many, many specific questions about what/how/why of homeschooling and parenting. Feel free to browse that, looking at earlier posts first, to get some encouragement and practical suggestions.

Avivah

Spreading goodwill though small acts of kindness – giving rides

personal development

In the last year and a half since getting a car, I’ve given many people rides. I know what it’s like using public transportation, and when I’m driving, I keep my eyes open for those who look like they’d appreciate a lift.

That means noticing if someone is looking rushed, if they are carrying heavy bags, paying attention to the weather (is it very hot/cold/rainy? – on days like this people appreciate even very short rides).

I often stop at bus stops if I see a woman there (I only take women, unless my husband or an older son is with me) and tell her where I’m going, and ask if a ride in that direction will be helpful. Sometimes people shrug or ignore me, but most of the time people are happy for the help.

I’ve helped elderly women who are having trouble walking, people running late for appointments or to work, a bunch of people caught in the cold and rain, and a number of people who told me they had been waiting a long time for a bus that just wasn’t coming!

One night I gave a ride to someone who lost her bus card and didn’t know how she’d get home, then later to a couple of women who were neighbors; just a couple of days later when I stopped at a bus stop to ask a woman if she wanted a ride, she exclaimed, “You took me home two days ago when it was raining!” (I don’t generally recognize people I’ve given rides to since I see them so briefly and then am looking at the road when driving.)

My general boundaries for myself are that I will drop someone off at the bus stop closest to where they need to go that is on my way, but I’ve departed from my own rules at times to take someone to their destination. Sometimes that has been very much out of my way, sometimes less so, but I always check in with myself before doing it to be sure that I’m respecting my boundaries and doing it with a full heart.

Last week I gave someone a ride to a different city (to take a stranger over an hour out of my way at midnight was a departure from my guidelines for myself) and she was protesting that I shouldn’t do it. I told her, if I’m offering, you can trust that it’s really okay.

I love spreading goodwill through these little acts of kindness! Women are generally surprised but appreciative to be offered a ride; it’s so little extra time and effort for me but makes a difference to them. Even if it doesn’t help or they don’t need to go in the direction I’m going, it leaves them with a good feeling that someone noticed them and wanted to be of help.

It’s been an important lesson for my children as well – I tell them that it doesn’t take much to help others, just paying attention and noticing people around you will provide you with many opportunities. When they drive with me, they get to see that regularly.

Lest you think this is selfless of me, know that I’ve been the recipient of many heartfelt blessings that have been much more than adequate payment for my efforts!

Avivah

Our home in RBS is sold!

personal development

When I first thought of having to sell our home, I dreaded the idea. It felt like so much pressure to have strangers in my personal space; I pictured the tension of scurrying around to get it spic and span for the people who would be walking through and noticing every corner. I felt stressed just thinking about it.

I recognized I was creating a negative picture and I was going to have to reframe this experience for myself if I wanted it to be any better than what I was imagining! I reminded myself that no one was judging me if the house didn’t sparkle, and if they did, it still had nothing to do with me. My job was to let my home be seen and to stay calm and relaxed during the time our home was on the market.

One day I thought about the connection and happiness that has been part of our life in this home, all the love and good energy that the walls have absorbed. I pictured a family moving in and enjoying the space as much as we have. Instead of worrying about when our home would sell, what amount we would get for it, what kind of terms, etc, I kept this image of a loving family enjoying our home at the forefront of my mind.

Our home was on the market for four months before we accepted an offer (a very low offer was made early on that we didn’t consider). Logistically, you could say that we didn’t have good timing, since we started the month before the fall holidays (when no one is buying), then there were three weeks of holidays (when no one is buying) and only after the holidays, the season officially opens.

Since our home was available when the market opened, we had lots of people interested in viewing it. However, though we got a lot of positive feedback, generally people want to view a lot of homes before feeling ready to make an offer and that was what we kept hearing – that people liked it but wanted to look at more homes.

I never allowed myself to think that our timing was bad. Instead, I focused on the thought that everything was working out perfectly for us and would continue to work out for us, and pictured it all coming together with perfect timing.

____________________________

This entire selling experience has been surprisingly positive (particularly for someone who dreaded it to the degree that I did). For the most part I didn’t feel pressured about people coming except for one time when I was told people were already waiting in front of our building. I was sick, and felt overwhelmed trying to do anything in those few minutes. However, this helped me clarify my boundaries and from then on I requested that we be given notice the day before. If I was asked on very short notice, I would only agree if I felt I could do it without stress for me and my family members.

So I was feeling good about well we were doing with this process.

Then one day, people were supposed to come to see the house, something that happened 2 – 3 times a week. One son cleaned up his part of the room before going out. He came home to find his brother hadn’t cleaned up his part of the room. He got upset at his brother and saying how messy it would be when people came, and then started crying from the pressure he was feeling. He told me he can’t take having people coming in to look at our house anymore.

I thought if a child would feel like this it would be as a reflection of my own tension. But I was actually pretty consistently calm and positive during these months; I tried not to put pressure on anyone to clean up to a high standard or in a rush or anything like that.

I tried to reassure him that there was no pressure, there was plenty of time for his brother to put his things away, and sent him outside to ride his bike until after the potential buyers left. But seeing his deep distress, I thought, “Hashem (G-d), it’s been fine until now but now it’s too much. It’s too much for my son. We need to sell now. “

That week some people came to look at our home. They came back a second time, then a third time. When they officially made an offer on the house, I told this same son about it before anyone else. He was so excited! He went out to a friend and walked in two hours later, still smiling broadly. I asked him why he was so happy, and he said, “Because now we don’t have to have people coming through our house anymore!”

_________________________

When we first considered the idea of moving to a different part of the country, it was kind of overwhelming. We would have to buy a new home in an unfamiliar neighborhood, sell our current home, my husband would have to find a new job, our kids would need to find different educational options…it was a lot to think about.

As we discussed more and more what we wanted, it seemed even more unrealistic. Specifically regarding the house, the two biggest points were wanting to stay until the end of the school year, and not wanting to pay a mortgage/rent on two homes. I could picture the sellers agreeing to us staying longer, but couldn’t think of a scenario in which we wouldn’t have to pay two house payments, since we’ll be completing the sale of our home in Yavne’el in March and staying here until the end of June.

I love when life reminds me that I don’t have to find the way to make what I want happen; I just have to know what I want and then turn it over for G-d to work it all out!

We signed a contract to sell our current home a week ago and the payment terms will make it possible for us to pay off our current mortgage around the same time that we will begin paying a mortgage on our new house. My husband and I marveled at how easily and perfectly things fell into place.

It’s now official: we will be staying in Ramat Beit Shemesh until the school year ends and moving to Yavne’el the beginning of July!

Avivah

Crafting my goal for the New Year and letting go of my need to be productive

personal development

On Facebook I see many people showcasing their talents, work and testimonials in casual, chatty posts about loving the work they do and sharing the value they add.

Sometimes I look at that and think, “I should be doing that.”

However, even though it might bring me more clients, even though it would expand my impact and visibility, I just don’t want to do it. Not right now.

Even though it’s really nice to be out there, to be speaking and teaching and earning and contributing and recognized. Really nice.

A year and a half ago I made a decision to consciously step back professionally. My days were full – with the kids all day, then right from the dinner table I would leave to meet clients or go out to teach. I loved the work I was doing, I loved the connections I was making and the differences I was able to help people create in their lives.

I recognized, though, that with all that was happening in my life, I needed to increase my quiet space for myself. When I talk about how critical self-care is, I really mean it; it’s not a theoretical concept for me. What previously had been sufficient margin no longer was enough.

I can’t tell you how hard it was for me to take this extended step back from doing things that I loved and valued, and to be okay with not doing anything special in lieu of that work. Creating more margin for myself to be was something I knew was valuable but I still grappled with not having a commeasurate sense of accomplishment.

However, I stuck with this despite the ongoing discomfort I felt because I knew it was an opportunity for me to practice a higher level of self-acceptance, independent of my contributions to others. Without qualification, without needing to prove.

This has been so valuable. Yet there are still periodically those ‘I should do the things that other people are doing’ thoughts that pop into my mind.

To counter that, I recognized it would be helpful for me to clarify my goal for the year as a reminder not just what I didn’t want to be doing, but what I did want to do!

I picked up a book at a library sale last week called Simple Abundance. At the end of the foreword the author states: “I don’t have a million dollars in the bank, but I now realize that abundance and lack are parallel realities; every day I make the choice of which one to inhabit. Now I understand that all my hours aren’t billable; finding a quiet center in which to create and sustain an authentic life has become as essential as breathing.”

I so identified with this that I went back and re-read it several times. This sums up in a small way my inner process of the last few years!

And so, I’ve adapted and written on my vision page the following as my goal for the coming year:

“To maintain a quiet center, and continue to create and sustain an authentic life.”

I love getting this onto paper and unapologetically giving myself permission to keep this my focus!

Have you ever struggled between what you expect of yourself and what you really want to do? Do you have a goal for the coming year that is meaningful for you?

Avivah

Loving your child in the hard moments

parenting, personal development

I first discovered the song I Love Myself The Way I Am by Jai Joseph when I was hospitalized with burns to my entire face over five years ago. I listened to it a lot when I was in the hospital; I needed to hear these messages of loving myself as I was, at a time that I didn’t know if I would ever look normal again. (I shared the lyrics of the two stanzas that were especially powerful for me at the end of the post I wrote when I left the hospital.)

However, I didn’t continue to listen to it regularly, and when I recently rediscovered it, it was like finding a familiar wise friend.

The messages in these simple lyrics are so powerful and affirming. In the second stanza he succinctly sums up a concept I speak about a lot with clients and in my workshops.

“I love you the way you are
there’s nothing you need to do
When I feel the love inside myself
it’s easy to love you
Behind your fears, your rage and tears
I see your shining star
And I love you just the way you are.” (Jai Josephs)

In the last five years, I’ve done a lot of inner work focusing on self-love, and have experienced that when we can accept ourselves with all of our imperfections, this naturally filters into our relationships with our children (and everyone else in our lives). In every interaction we are always reflecting to others who we are, and the more forgiving you are to yourself, the more natural it is to be forgiving of your child. Since managing our own emotions are the hardest part of parenting, the more work of this sort a parent does, the easier parenting becomes.

While it’s valuable to do this kind of work, it doesn’t negate the need for something more in the most challenging moments! Often parents ask me how they can possibly be loving to a child who is acting in unloveable ways. How can you get past the frustration of the moment in order to feel your love for him, to communicate from a place of acceptance for who your child is?

The answer is to look beyond the behavior (remember, this is just communication) of the moment and reconnect with your love for him by appreciating the beautiful person he is at his core, to ‘see his shining star‘.

Yes, he has his challenges and unquestionably those are challenging for you to navigate, too. But if you can do this, you will begin to realize that this is the deepest, most powerful and effective thing you can do to positively impact your child’s behavior – even though on the outside it may not look like you’re addressing the behavior at all in the moment.

(It’s hard to shift to this approach because we want to feel like we’re activelydoing something to change the situation. But trying to control or manipulate the child’s behavior is counterproductive.)

We live in a world that is constantly projecting messages that focus on consumerism and competition; this song is a helpful reminder for me of the responses I strive for.

Avivah

Manifesting our newest car – combination of unusual features at an amazing price!

frugal strategies, personal development

Sometimes it seems there’s no way to get what you want within the parameters you’re working with. And then something like today happens and reminds me that I don’t have to try so hard, I have to allow things to unfold. It’s quite marvelous how what seems impossible can happen with so easily with so little effort.

A few months ago I bought a new car after my previous car being totaled in an accident. So why was I once again looking for a new vehicle?

Here in Israel there’s an interesting phenomenon: families with several children will often choose to buy a smaller vehicle that doesn’t seat all their family members when traveling at one time, rather than getting a minivan. When living in the US, I never heard of anyone making a choice like this, but it’s very, very common in Israel.

The reason this is done here is because the costs of buying and fueling a larger vehicle are significantly higher. Often, families will rent a second car to travel together during vacation but keep their daily mode of transportation a smaller and more affordable car.

We made a similar decision when we bought our first car over a year and a half ago. Though we’re a large family and in the US I drove a full size 12 passenger van, I mostly needed something to get around locally for errands, and for that a small car was fine. We have great bus transportation and sending older kids on buses if we don’t have room for everyone is an option, as strange as that might sound to those who don’t live in Israel!

However, with our decision to move to northern Israel came a realization that we would need a larger vehicle. (We didn’t know we’d be moving to the north when we bought the replacement car or we would have made a different choice.) Public transportation where we’ll be living is weak and having a couple more seats will make a big difference.

I didn’t want to leave the selling and buying of a car for when we’re moving since there will be plenty of other things to do, so I decided to do this now. Almost three weeks ago, I sold our five seater.

Prior to selling and since then, I’ve spent waaaaay too long reading every bit of data I could get on various makes and models. The more I read, the fewer choices I seemed to have. I wanted a number of features and when considering my very conservative budget, even a basic functional car of that size looked completely unrealistic. It as also complicated by the fact that every time I found something suitable, my husband would raise concerns.

I would have been totally discouraged and overwhelmed if I didn’t continually remind myself that somehow we would find something that would work for us no matter how unlikely it seemed. (And I also reminded my husband he could trust me to buy the car as I’ve always done it and it’s always been fine.)

The choices that were the most affordable, spacious and gas efficient were all made by French manufacturers. None of these companies have a reputation for long lasting/hard wearing vehicles, and I was concerned that my lower acquisition costs would be more than offset by ongoing repair costs. When a mechanic for one of these companies dealerships told me to stay away from them, that finalized my decision to look at other options.

I thought and thought and thought some more about what was most important to me, and finally edited my original list to the following priorities:

  • Japanese manufactured
  • well-maintained
  • decent fuel efficiency
  • non-diesel engine (because I want to convert the engine to run on propane fuel and diesel vehicles can’t be converted)
  • price below xxx shekels (this is so low that I don’t feel comfortable writing it :))

Last night I decided to look at a car model I hadn’t previously considered due to a concern that the very back two seats wouldn’t be be comfortable for my hulking sons. 🙂 When I checked out the listings online for sale by private owner (I don’t buy from dealers), one stood out to me among a number of listings for the same model, year, mileage and price.

Sometimes I get a feeling about things; from just the wording of the ad I’d be hard pressed to explain why one listing calls to me and similar one doesn’t. I do think there’s an element of logic mixed in with it; it’s not all based on my gut feeling.

This car had slightly higher mileage than most of them, but there was nothing in my price range that wasn’t high mileage. My biggest concerns about buying vehicles that were older and high mileage was that it we might have to replace the engine or transmission in the near future, both very big expenses.

One of the things I debated with myself is if it would be more financially prudent to spend more on a newer car upfront to minimize the possible repair costs. However, we would have to dramatically jump up in price and of course there’s never any guarantee that even a newer car with lower mileage won’t need expensive repairs – in my reading in different forums I read a number of worrying stories like that. So I stayed with my original low price point.

When I called about the car I was pleasantly surprised to learn that the engine had been replaced three months ago – there was no mention of this in the ad.

Both the wife who took my initial phone call and the husband who showed me the car were very honest and forthcoming with information. Before I went to check out the car, I was pretty sure that unless something was really wrong when I saw it that I would be driving it back home with me. 🙂

(When I buy a car, I’m buying in large part based on my feeling about the seller. Buying a used car is unpredictable and I need to trust the person who is selling it and what they are telling me. Yesterday I looked at a car and within one minute of meeting the seller knew I wouldn’t buy the car. Not because of the car, but because of the seller. )

It was only because of a specific question while test driving the car today that I asked that I learned that the transmission was replaced six weeks ago! In two conversations with the sellers, neither of them thought of mentioning that to me, even though that was a very positive factor in favor of the car.

After the sale was completed, I looked at my long list of things I wanted that I had put aside so I could focus on the basics, and I got every single thing. Every single one.

Here’s the longer list:

  • Seller location – since I was traveling by bus to check out the potential options, I was hoping to find something not too far from home even though I was looking online at cars across the country. These sellers listed their location as the city where the wife works, which would have been very time consuming and difficult for me to access by public transportation. Another reason I shouldn’t have called them. They live just a a 25 minute bus ride from here and that’s where I saw the car.
  • Roof rack – knowing we’d have a small trunk, I wanted to have a space to load up for trips
  • Trailer hitch – this seemed an unlikely feature to find in the class of vehicles I was looking at but a previous owner had it installed
  • Tinted windows – this cuts down on the heat quite a bit in the summer and one of my kids requested it
  • Driver seating position – I prefer sitting higher up to have a better view, with my legs more vertical than horizontal
  • Head space – my last car didn’t have much and I missed having that
  • Feel of driving a car rather than a minivan
  • Propane system – this was complicated because I didn’t want to spend the money to put in the system on an old engine, and I didn’t want to buy a car already converted since a poorly done conversion can shorten the engine life. In any case, only a very small percentage of cars are converted to run on propane. This car had a propane system installed by a reputable installer, then it was reinstalled on the new engine.

This last point was the one that made the entire buying effort seem impossible. I wanted a newish engine already converted to run on propane by a reputable installer that I recognized (which totals three names in the entire country) at a ridiculously low price, or as a very much less appealing distant second option that I almost don’t want to mention because I really didn’t want to do this, a car so cheap I could afford to replace the engine and put in the propane system (adding lots of aggravation and at least 11,000 shekels to my purchase cost).

Was that situation with the propane alone extremely unlikely? Yes. Combined with all these other things, it was very, very, very unlikely.

And yet, that’s exactly what I got!

How could I have gotten all of this for the very low price I had budgeted?

Here’s an amazing bit of synchronicity regarding the price! (This is when in my house I burst into song, G-d Loves Me!!! Yes, I really do that.No, my children don’t always deeply appreciate my constant singing about everything but that’s the mother they have. :))

After having their vehicle on the market at fair market value for a month and not seeing movement, the sellers decided to get it sold and dramatically cut the price yesterday. It was last night when I decided to consider this model and saw the listing.

They listed it for 100 shekels less than my budgeted amount (remember, with none of the information about the very recent and expensive work they had done – they just wrote ‘excellent condition’).

I heard a statement somewhere (I wish I remember where so I could credit it): “Whatever you are looking for is looking for you.” I felt that so much with this purchase.

No, the car isn’t perfect. I didn’t have that on either of my lists! But it’s a really good fit for me and it’s been really wonderful to see this manifest in this way.

Avivah