Monthly Archives: February 2019

Two years since Rafael joined our family!

parenting, Trisomy 21,

Just over two years ago, Rafael joined our family.  His biological mother left the hospital without him when he was a day old, and for two months he lay in a hospital nursery waiting for a family. And then in what was clearly divinely orchestrated, a match was made between him and our family.

Many people have asked me, why in the world would we want to add another child with Trisomy 21 to our family?

You know how when people don’t understand something you do, they think you’re either crazy or put you up on a pedestal of righteousness? There’s another explanation. 🙂

After having Yirmi, the T21 label and stereotype lost a lot of the power it would have had without our personal experience. It became very simple – a child with T21 is a child. Not a label, not a disability, not a tragedy, not a burden – but a blessing.  Just as every other child is a blessing.

Knowing that the vast majority of newborns in the foster care system in this country are voluntarily given up because of T21 was very painful for me to think about. I would look at Yirmi and look at how our lives have been expanded and enriched. Then I would think about all these beautiful babies who were given up due to ignorance or lack of accurate information.

We knew a lot about T21, we had a strong family with a lot of love to give, we were open to having more children… and this is the direction it made sense for us to go in.

I would often think of the story of the starfish thrower, initially written as a 16 page story by Dr. Loren Eiseley. Here’s a very short video adaptation:

(A boy was throwing starfish that were stranded on the beach back into the ocean. A man said, there’s too many starfish, your efforts can’t possibly make a difference. The boy meant down, picked up another starfish, threw it into the ocean and said, “It made a difference to that one.”)

I couldn’t change the reasons people were giving these babies up (while I thought about advocacy on this front it was clear it wasn’t meant to be my role at this point), I couldn’t given them all a home, but I could make a difference to one child.

Just one child.

Yet every child is a world.

And so we applied to be foster parents specifically for babies with special needs (who are placed into the long term foster care system rather than being placed for adoption).

Five days after our application was completed, we got the call about Rafael.

Three weeks later, he was home with us.

Two years have flown by and we can’t imagine life without him.

Avivah

 

Getting older and wiser – parenting teens through tough times

parenting

After a number of years of writing about parenting, unofficially guiding parents and repeatedly being asked to give parenting classes, eight years ago I officially began teaching on this topic.

Before I began, though, I called a very special woman with tremendous experience and life wisdom, Rebbetzin Esther Tendler of Baltimore, to get her thoughts on teaching this topic. We chatted for a bit as I shared my perspective and background, and my approach to parenting.

Her biggest reservation? “How old are your children?”

When I told her my oldest was 17 (I had nine at the time, the youngest was two), she said, “Well, then that’s just about right.” She was concerned about people teaching who hadn’t yet had that many years of parenting experience. Theories are one thing, living them through different ages and stages is another! (***see below)

This week I was reminded of her comments when I heard Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz quote Dr. Abraham Twerski, who said: “Every house looks good when it’s new. It’s how it stands the test of time that determines how strong the house is.”

I really related to that. There are things that I did as a younger parent that I wouldn’t advocate now, even though they made sense and even seemed to get good results. Good results in the short term and in the long term don’t always look the same. And you really do shift over time to realize that things you thought were important in the early years just don’t matter very much.

When kids are younger, it’s easier to think you have all the answers once you can get them into bed or off to school without fighting. 🙂 The more experienced a parent I’ve become, the more nuanced I feel about many issues.

I recently came out of a trying eight month period with two teenagers simultaneously bouncing their negativity towards me back and forth between each other. It intensified things in a way that having just one child irritated with your existence doesn’t. 🙂

Teens can see things in a very black and white way, they can be very judgmental and focused on their needs to the exclusion of everyone else. None of that is bad. It’s just part of going through that stage. But let me tell you, it can be intense living with them while they grow their brain connections and move towards more emotional maturity.

It was my belief in and commitment to my principles of parenting that I held onto during this period that (usually) kept me from succumbing to some of the things I wanted to say and do. That, and my husband, who would periodically express his appreciation for how I was living my values even when feeling very challenged by some behaviors.

I questioned myself a few times, wondering if it was time to lower the boom and snap my fingers and say, this is the limit and you can.not.act.like.this.

It was a very conscious effort not to get into power struggles, not to define myself by their definition of me, to respect my boundaries at the same time respecting their need to express themselves,  to look beyond the behavior and to remember to see  the wonderful person behind that. And sometimes I didn’t rise to the occasion the way I would have wanted to.

stormy weather

The winds blew through, they shook me inside (which is not a bad thing, by the way -more about that in another post), the sun came out and our metaphorical house is still standing none the worse for the storm.

These teens (who were always wonderful to everyone else!) are once again pleasant people for me to spend time with. The positive interpretation that I held onto about who they really were has been borne out and I now feel what great people they are turning into rather than thinking it intellectually.

And so it goes as a parent…one more challenge, one more growth opportunity, one more situation that you go through that leaves you feeling stronger inside but still grateful when it’s over!

Avivah

*** I’m not in any way suggesting that those who are in younger stages of parenting don’t have something of value to offer! Personally, I think that each person should offer what they have to share, wherever he/she is on their personal path.