>>thanks! your answer really makes me feel more adequate 
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>>i am moving- gradually- from being totally intimidated by you into being inspired to do what i can and realize that i can’t do everything overnight.<<
I wanted to respond to both of these comments, because they touch on an important issue. I think we all sometimes fall into the trap of competing and comparing ourselves to others to our own disadvantage. I would hate to give anyone a reason here to feel inadequate. A danger of the internet is that when you don’t get to see someone in person it becomes too easy to idealize him/her, imagining them to be successful in every area of their lives all of the time. But as a friend once said about a very great man who her husband was close with – “he puts his pants on one leg at a time”. That’s wasn’t said as a put down but a reality – everyone is flesh and blood, no matter what they’ve accomplished.
My dh was chatting with our accountant in the pool a few days ago, who said something like ‘your wife must be superwoman’; my dh really didn’t like that. Though it was meant as a compliment, he didn’t feel it was at all. He said to me that when a person makes a statement like that about someone else, it shows that they really don’t know them, and if you don’t know someone, how can you truly value them? He’s right. I don’t think there is such a thing as superwoman, do you? Maybe she’s just an illusion we all use to beat ourselves up with.
My truth is that I’m an average person doing the best I can, sometimes succeeding but lots of time feeling like there’s so much more I could and should be doing in every area of my life. I love sharing with all of you on this blog, and I love that I can be honest and don’t have to worry about upholding an image of always having it together.
At times when I think about what I should be doing and pressuring myself, I have to mentally step back and remind myself to stop ‘shoulding’ on myself. We moms tend to push ourselves way too hard and give ourselves too little credit for what we do. It’s as if by virtue of doing something it’s no longer an accomplishment. Telling myself that I need to do more and that whatever I’m doing right now isn’t enough isn’t exactly a positive motivator. It’s that kind of attitude that gets me stuck in negativity.
I find it lots more helpful to recognize this voice as the negative influence it is, and consciously release it. It’s always this voice that causes me to procrastinate, and it’s always when I let go of those excessive and burdensome expectations of negative judgements that I free up energy to enjoy living life and paradoxically can accomplish much more. Sometimes I have to remind myself that being enough is enough – it is, you know. I’ve embraced the concept of being average as a positive. It’s very freeing when we can let go of all of those expectations of ourselves.
Today I spoke to two women in different stages in life, both of whom had the internal voices shoulding on them. One was struggling with not wanting to start dating for marital purposes, feeling unready but because she was a certain age she should get herself moving. The other felt it would be a disservice to her family to have more children because she was overwhelmed, but felt that because her youngest had reached a certain age, she should be ready to have another baby. Sometimes we say it’s the people around us who are pressuring us, but I’ve realized that it’s usually because those same voices are playing in my head that I think others are placing expectations on me. Why do we pressure ourselves so much? Why don’t we trust our internal messages and listen to our inner voice? Why can’t we love and accept ourselves as we are right now? That’s the voice of balance and reason, the one that leads us to a happy life.
If you read something here that inspires you, I’m thrilled. But please, please don’t use anything that I write to beat yourself up with. There are stages of life when we do more and stages we do less. Don’t compare who you think someone is or what they do to who you are. Remember, we’re all just doing the best we can, one day at a time.
Avivah
wow! i have these “wwad” moments (what would avivah do)
and i found myself thinking – i just need to make those raised beds to plant the potatoes
i don’t even know how much i spend on food, i like to make things by hand but the hours of making home made crackers plus clean up versus store bought well…time is money and i just can’t afford the time…
I have definitely found when I stop agonizing over a list of everything I should do, I get more done because I don’t feel as overwhelmed 🙂
“‘your wife must be superwoman’; my dh really didn’t like that. Though it was meant as a compliment, he didn’t feel it was at all.”
I agree. I feel it’s dismissive. It actually *devalues* one’s efforts by implying that the “superwoman” is in a different category from the rest of us… maybe for her, it’s not really so hard.
I have a relative who refers to people as “saints”. That bugs me too. Other relatives adopted a child with special needs; as expected, it’s been a rewarding but very challenging experience for them. She said, “They’re saints!” No. They’re not saints. Like the rest of us, they experience frustration, discouragement, anger, disappointment, etc. etc. etc. along with satisfaction, love, and all of the good things. Implying that they’re in this other category of people, that they somehow do and feel only good, really diminishes their efforts, IMHO.
Ja’el, slow down and do the first most important thing first. Forget about building garden beds and figure out what’s going on with your finances. Not being clear about how much money you have to spend can be stressful. Can’t remember if I wrote about the time is money concept or not, but in your situation, I’d agree that you need to prioritize and take some pressure off yourself. (((Hugs)))
Jennifer – you exactly understood the point. You’ll appreciate hearing that today a woman at the nature center told me ‘You’re Madonna’ – not the superstar – and she was being sincere! I’ve been told I’m supermom a zillion times, had people tell me how patient and special I must be, but this was a first! She meant well, though, so I just laughed.