I’ve been asked a number of times, “What made you decided to make aliyah with older kids?”

Temporary insanity. 🙂

But I’ll share why we did it anyway.

After visiting Israel in Feb. 2011, my then 14 yodd decided she wanted to live in Israel after she was married.  Our then dd16 had already made that decision.  They both repeatedly asked/begged us to consider moving to Israel with the entire family, and I consistently told them ‘absolutely not!’  They kept asking me why, and here were some of my concerns:

– It’s strongly discouraged to make aliyah with children over the ages of 6 – 10, depending who you ask.  There are good reasons for that (here’s a great article that spells out some of the challenges), and the statistics for success aren’t on your side.

– Dh had a decent job, we had a home, vehicle, savings – he had no interest in starting over again from scratch in his mid forties, with a family of 11 to support.  Absolutely no interest.

– When we asked our rabbi for his feedback, he said to us, “Raising children like yours is a very special achievement.  Don’t take that for granted.  You have to ask yourself if you can raise this kind of family in Israel.”  That was my biggest concern, and still is.

So what made me think seriously about making aliyah with a large family that included several teens, keeping all of these things in mind?

When I mentally projected forward about five years, I pictured my oldest three children getting married and starting their families.  As I said, two of them were very clear that they wanted to live in Israel, and I didn’t think it was likely that most of the other kids would choose to live in the city we lived in when they became old enough to make that decision.  It was sad to realize that the family togetherness that we so much enjoyed was likely to dramatically change in the foreseeable future.

There’s something very nice about having family living nearby.  We enjoy our children, and I think that generally they find us pretty tolerable parents, and I hope we will be actively able to share in each other’s lives for many years to come.  I felt that by moving to Israel, it would be much easier for our family to continue to stay in fairly close physical proximity.  Sure, some kids might get married and move out of the country, but for those that would choose to live in Israel, it’s a pretty small country so nothing is too far away.  This was a big part of our motivation.  We recognized that we had a very small window of time due to the ages and stages of the kids, and we chose to jump through that window.

However, I was very aware that the decision I was making to facilitate family cohesiveness could be the same thing that would most threaten it.  I tried to think in advance about the challenges our children would face, particularly the older ones, in order to make the transition as smooth as possible for them.  Did we do a good job of this?

Let me be honest.  It was a tough, tough year for everyone ages 9 and up.  Difficult and even traumatic.  And it wasn’t much easier for the littles who went to school, though it was a shorter duration and intensity for them.  I think we got through it pretty well, but I don’t want to give the impression that we magically glided through this year.  We didn’t.  It was conscious and constant effort on my part to be available to support each one, and I often inadequate to give everyone what they needed.

But we didn’t break.  We didn’t go into crisis.  There are a few things that I credit our relatively smooth absorption to:

a) We were a strong family unit before our move.  Even when we felt challenged, we had each other.  Even when a child wasn’t confiding in me, they had a sibling to share their feelings with.

b) Two of our three teenagers very, very much wanted to make aliyah.  When times were tough, they knew it wasn’t because we forced this move on but because they wanted it.   If they had all been lukewarm or unsure, I don’t think we would have made the move.

c) Lastly, I felt that our children had an emotional resilience that would help them get through the rough spots.

Are the kids happy that we moved here?

I’ve asked them all, and for the most part, the answer is ‘yes’.  One in particular would still prefer to live in the US, and that’s okay.  But even so, there’s a lot here that they like and they aren’t unhappy to be here.

Some of the things that most concerned me before coming was finding a community where our family would fit.  Having lived in Israel for the first eight years of our marriage, I knew how tightly defined communities were, and knew that the city we had lived in in the past wouldn’t be suitable for American teenagers.  We went back and forth about whether it would be better to live in an Anglo community where the kids could easily find like-minded friends but would be unlikely to integrate into the Israeli culture, or to move to a community where they would have a better chance of long term integration.  We went with the latter choice (and all of the kids have since said that they’re glad we did this rather than go to an Anglo community), and looked for a community where there was an Anglo presence with an open and accepting charedi community.  Karmiel fit the bill and has been a very good choice for us.

There were things I didn’t anticipate or that I figured wrong.  I thought that since there was a local girls’ high school, that there would be plenty of high school age girls for our daughters to become friends with.  I was wrong.  For dd16, almost none of the girls in her class lived in our city.  I thought the kids would learn Hebrew faster than they did; I needed to recalibrate my expectations. I didn’t know I’d have to constantly educate the educational staff about the needs of my children as new immigrants, or how little support the kids would get through the schools.  That’s why I had so many meetings with teachers and principals last year!

I knew the significant differences between the American religious community and the Israeli charedi community, and because moderation is hard to find here, where we all fit in overall charedi society long term is something I think a lot about but still don’t have any answers for.

For a family considering making aliyah with older children, my feedback would be to be very cautious and to take into serious consideration the issues your children are likely to face before making the move.  Yes, it’s possible to move with teenagers and for them to adjust to a new language, a new culture, and new friends.  And it can be a great experience.  But realize that it’s very unfair to take their smooth acclimatization for granted.  You may want to live in Israel, but you have to be fair to all of your family members and make the choice based on what will be best for everyone.

Even with all of the challenges, we’re glad we made the move.  We’re now over the difficult first year and I look forward to watching things get better for everyone.  At the same time, I’m aware that we’re all still in a stage of adjustment and the kids will continue to need monitoring and support.  Knowing what I know now, would I still have made aliyah with older kids?  Yes.

Avivah

Over a year ago, I called a Karmiel real estate agent and told her we wanted to buy an apartment from the US, without seeing it first.  She humored me, but her husband later told me that she never thought I’d follow through – she gets lots of calls from people interested in real estate, but to buy from the US is something that none of her clients had done before.  However, she soon realized that I wasn’t flaky and that my reasoning was very well-thought out, so much so that she repeatedly told me that what I was doing was so smart, that it was a shame others making aliyah didn’t do the same thing.

This past Shabbos, I hosted a family who just made aliyah and bought their apartment before arriving.  I asked her what made her do that, since it’s an unusual choice, and other than me, my mother, and a blog reader, no one making aliyah to this community has chosen to do this.  She said that she used the same real estate agent that I did (as did my mother and blog reader), and this was her recommendation!  (The agent’s company wrote an article in an Israeli paper about us buying an apartment in this way- giving way too many details about our family, apartment location and price – and announced that they were now offering the service of helping new immigrants buy from abroad.)  The mortgage broker that my mom used is now making the same recommendation. 🙂  I know this is something that isn’t an option for many people, but it’s actually a lot more doable if done before coming than it may seem, and so I’ll share my reasoning on this.

Real estate in Israel is expensive.  Most people aren’t in a position to buy a home in cash, and will need to take out a mortgage in order to finance the purchase of a home.  To buy your home here, you’ll need two things: a) typically, a down payment of 30% – 40%; and b) a mortgage qualification.  If you don’t have these two, then you’ll need a third thing – a friend or family member with a very high income who will co-sign, and/or give you the money for the down payment.

1) Down payment – obviously many people aren’t going to have the necessary funds for a down payment.  However, many do have a chunk of money that could go toward a down payment, but it gets used up long before they’re in a position to buy a home.  Additionally, new immigrants receive a sum of money as part of their absorption benefits that could go toward a purchase.  Since the absorption benefits are only received once a person arrives in Israel, to do this, one would have to borrow from private individuals and then repay them with these funds when they get it.  Generally, people go through their absorption benefits with little to show for it in the end, and I think this is often a missed opportunity.

To qualify for a mortgage, you need to have a documentable salary for a given period of time – this depends, but I believe they like to see two years at the same job at a certain salary level.  This understandably becomes a big obstacle for new immigrants once they arrive, because they’re no longer working at their US jobs, and it can take a long time to find work in Israel.  Once they do find work, it can take time to work up to a salary that is high enough to qualify for what they want to purchase.

We didn’t move here while continuing to work for the same company by telecommuting (in which case a family will have no problem documenting continual earnings at the same level), and we had no idea how long it would be before we were able to qualify for a mortgage.  However, by buying while my husband was still working in the US, we were able to qualify for a mortgage based on his current salary.  Unless you are unemployed in the US, then this is an advantage that you’ll also have.  Even modest US salaries tend to be higher than Israeli salaries – for example, $40 – 50,000 isn’t considered a lot in America for a family but is  a very nice salary in Israel and will be adequate to qualify you for a mortgage, combined with your down payment.

NBN will strongly advise against doing something like this, saying that it’s risky and you’re better off renting first to see where you want to live.  This isn’t bad advice, but I feel it doesn’t take into account the long term picture.  Many families end up financially unable to buy a home after taking this approach, families that could have done it if they were given a different understanding of the realities involved.  Recently, I spoke at length to a family moving back to the US a couple of years after making aliyah.  I asked why, and one thing he shared was that they were never going to be able to buy a home.  This was a family in the US who was financially comfortable, had sizable savings, had earnings in the six figure range – and yet after two years realized they’d never be in a position to buy a home here.   Their savings were gone, they hadn’t yet found work that paid more than a minimal salary, and they were right, they had no prospects for home buying in their situation (which is common to olim).  So there are some points worth seriously considering in order to make a well-balanced decision about if you should buy or rent when moving to Israel.

– When you rent a home in Israel, you’re generally doing it sight unseen before your arrival, through an agent who helps you find it before you get here.  Or you do it after arriving, staying in the luxurious (strong sarcasm :)) Absorption Center, if they have one where you live (most of these centers throughout Israel are no long in operation but we do have on here in Karmiel), and get to briefly tour it before making a year long commitment.  Either way, you won’t know much about your apartment, your neighbors, or your neighborhood until you’ve been living there a while.  After your lease is up, you can reevaluate if this is where you want to be.

There’s no difference in this case between renting or buying.  Buying a home in an area doesn’t mean you’re committed to stay there.  You have to live somewhere for the first year!  If you buy a home and then decide you’d rather live somewhere else, you can move and rent out the home you bought, while renting somewhere else.

– Regardless of if you choose to live in the home that you purchased, your money is working for you in the Israeli real estate market while you were deciding where you want to live.  While past performance is no guarantee of future results, Israeli real estate has moved upward pretty consistently.  In the year + since we bought our home, prices have steadily risen here in Karmiel, and if I had waited until now to buy (assuming that I was able to qualify for a mortgage and still had a down payment to work with, which wouldn’t be realistic but anyway), the price of an apartment like mine would in all likelihood be out of our price range now.  A delay would have meant we’d have to buy something smaller, in a less desirable neighborhood, or worse condition.

– The risk factor of buying a home unseen can be moderated by taking some precautionary measures.  Firstly, we used a real estate agent as well as a real estate lawyer to be sure everything was on the up and up.  We hired a contractor to check out the apartment and give us a detailed report of its condition before we made an offer.  This is unusual in Israel, but I felt the money spent was worth the peace of mind, and when I had power of attorney for my mother and took care of her apartment purchase, I did the same thing.

You can also have the agent send you pictures of the homes you’re interested in, or have a friend who lives in the area look at homes for you.  (My oldest daughter was studying here at the time, and visited the apartment and took pictures as well as gave us her feedback on what she saw.)  Sometimes pictures look great and the reality isn’t so rosy.  A good real estate agent is going to tell you about all of the problems with the apartment, because she’s not going to gain by you purchasing something that you end up feeling misled about.

– We used a mortgage broker to assist us with our purchase from abroad.  This also added in another level of help and security – there was someone else looking out for us with regards to the bank.  All mortgage brokers are not created equal.  We initially spoke with one person, who after hearing our financial details assured us we would be able to buy a home with 10% down.  We went about looking at homes based on this figure.  In subsequent conversations, he then told us we needed 20%, then 30%, then 30% with co-signers, then 30% with high earning co-signers who would finance 10%of the down payment.  We didn’t have co-signers and we definitely didn’t want to ask anyone to put any of their own money into our home purchase, and it looked like we weren’t going to be able to go through with our purchase.

I called a friend of ours in Israel who was a real estate investor for many years in the US before moving to Israel, where he has continued to work in real estate.  He gave me the suggestion of a different mortgage broker – interestingly, from the same office as the first! – and it was working with this broker that made all the difference.  (I later learned the first broker typically worked with young couples buying expensive homes financed by their parents -very much not our situation.)  The broker he recommended has a lot of experience with non-traditional buying situations, and enjoys the challenge of helping people navigate difficult situations.  If you’re buying from overseas, you’re already not a typical buyer and I’d highly recommend using someone with lots of experience.  Things can and will go wrong, and you need someone who understands this is the norm, and can deal with it.  The broker we used was Adam Siegel, and his number in Israel is 052-714-4056, asiegel@mortgageisrael.com.  If you contact him, let him know I recommended him.  He was experienced, hardworking, honest, kept his cool in frustrating situations, and was a pleasure to deal with.  I really don’t think we would have been able to buy a home without his help, and I’m happy to pass his information on to others so they can also be helped through this challenging process.  (In case you’re wondering, I’m not getting referral fees, and he doesn’t even know I’m writing this.)   He works with people buying all over Israel.

I’ve also been asked about what real estate agent I used.  She only works with sales properties in Karmiel, not rentals.  Her name is Tamar Sobel, and her contact information is 052-760-7416; tamar.remax@gmail.com.  In our case, Tamar took care of extra details for us that we compensated her for in addition to the regular fee.  Again, she is very honest and hardworking, and truly cares about the families she works with.  She was a huge part of the success of our apartment purchase, which everyone involved in said was objectively very challenging – everything that could go wrong seemed to go wrong, and more!  Again, tell her I recommended her if you contact her.

Part of our decision to buy in advance was my desire to give my kids as much stability as we could during the transition process to living in Israel. The rental market in Karmiel was – and still is – very tight.  What landlord would choose to rent to a family of 11 when they could rent to a family of 3 or 5?  I knew that if we did find something, we still didn’t know how long we’d be able to stay there before the rent would go up or neighbors would complain or the landlord wanted to sell it.  By buying an apartment, our kids had a sense that this is our home and this is where we’ll be.  There was the intangible factor of emotional security that we were able to give them.

Americans don’t realize how important home ownership is in Israel.  Housing costs are usually your highest expense, and this will constantly rise if you’re renting.  Your mortgage will generally be lower than what you’d pay in rent, and much more stable.  That’s not to say that you can’t live here happily and rent – of course you can!  But there’s a financial stability that comes with purchasing a home that is very helpful in the short and long term, and this is why there’s so much pressure to help newly married children purchase homes.  It’s very hard to make it financially if your housing costs spiral up faster than your income.  That’s also why last summer there were the widespread tent protests, because so many Israelis are feeling like a home purchase is out of their reach.

Buying a home from abroad took time and effort, and added another of complexity to our aliyah preparations.  But to get off the plane and be able to go right into our own home was a great feeling, and it’s something we’re continually grateful that we did.  I’m not telling anyone to do what we did, but I do strongly recommend that you consider it seriously to see if you have a way to do this.  Many people have savings, an inheritance, helpful relatives, or proceeds from a home sale that will give them the necessary down payment.

Even if at first you don’t think there’s any way you can do this – when we were told we’d have to come up with 30%, my first thought was it was impossible – think creatively!  I asked Hashem for help constantly, and kept picturing us having the money we needed.  It came about through very normal and mundane channels  – no rich relatives or lottery winnings, not even absorption benefits or personal loans – and I had to put in a lot of effort and time, but it began with us knowing what we wanted and being willing to think ‘how’ instead of assuming it was impossible.

Avivah

One year ago today, we arrived in Israel!

In some ways this year has gone by so quickly, but in other ways it feels like much more than a year’s worth of living was packed into this year.  It’s been an intense year for everyone, and it wasn’t until we were here for about nine months that I was able to see how hard some things were.  At that point, I felt like I was beginning to emerge from a tunnel that I didn’t know that I was in, and there was a faint pinpoint of light at the end.  It’s been challenging but good, and getting better all the time.

Are we happy to have moved here?  Yes, absolutely.  There were things we didn’t expect to have trouble with – the horrible school situation of dd16 was one thing that I wasn’t prepared for.  But she came through it amazingly well, and thankfully her school has agreed to let her skip up a grade and for the coming year she’ll be with a good class.  So we anticipate that this year will be drastically an improvement over last year.

The kids are all progressing with their spoken Hebrew.  They’ve all made friends, and have adjusted pretty well to Israeli culture.  Some of the older kids still have a preference for America and their friends there.  But they still have a positive attitude about being here.

Dh has been working for the last six months in a different field than what he was doing in the US.  He feels grateful that moving here gave him a chance to shift to doing something much more in line with his natural strengths and abilities.  It’s challenging to start a new career and he’s learning new things every day, but he gets a lot of satisfaction in doing something well.

The apartment we purchased before moving here, sight unseen, has been wonderful!  We had no idea what a perfect neighborhood it would be for us.  We are a few minutes walk from the main charedi community, but close to the hesder yeshiva and a small Russian shul, both of which we appreciate and give us the chance to know different people than if we were in the very center of the charedi community.  it’s given us the opportunity to have wider connections that we appreciate.

I’ve done a lot of advocating for my kids within the school systems to help them have an easier adjustment, and though this took a lot of time and energy, it was very worthwhile.  The adjustments they had to make were hard, but this smoothed their paths somewhat, and removed some of the unrealistic expectations that the staff would have otherwise had of them.  I’ll have to see what my role will be of this for the coming year; I anticipate that this will continue to be important but not as intensive as it was last year.

For me, I’ve gotten to know a lot of wonderful people here.  I’ve made friends, though these relationships can’t yet compare to friendships in the US that developed over years.  But the potential is there and I accept that time takes time.  This is my attitude towards the entire aliyah process, that there’s no substitute for time, and you can’t fast forward through this process.  You go through day by day, and you do the best you can in each day.

What would I have done differently?  I wish I had had the funds to hire private tutors for the kids to accelerate their Hebrew language learning.  I depended on the tutoring they were supposed to get through the schools, which was extremely inadequate.  Though I supplemented at home, I wasn’t systematic and consistent about working with them, which was understandable because I had so many needs to juggle.  The kids did okay, but they would have benefited from more help in this area.    In another year, I think they’re going to be light years ahead of where they are right now in their comfort with the language and culture but right now, my Hebrew is still better than any of them.

My overall feeling is one of gratitude.  I very often look up into the sky or at the buildings or landscape around me, and I feel so fortunate to be living in Israel.  I love that my kids are being raised in a society with more value on being a good person than on material standards, that they can be so much more independent here, and that it’s so much safer (the last two are intrinsically connected).  Some people thought we were crazy to move here with a large family that included several teens, and there’s no question that it was a much more difficult transition than what families with small children have.  But it was worth it!

Avivah

Our one year aliyah anniversary is coming up in a week, and I’m hoping in the next week (as time constraints allow!) to post on a variety of aliyah related issues.  If you have a question about aliyah that you’d like me to respond to, please post it in the comment section and I’ll do my best to respond.  (One caveat – please don’t ask me if you should move to Karmiel – I get a lot of emails asking about this!)

In the past, it seemed that most of those making aliyah had planned and saved for years, had a huge chunk of savings, a home that they sold for a large profit, or some kind of solid financial cushion.  Whether that was the reality or just my perception, the fact is that now things have changed.

It’s interesting to me that so many people who aren’t making it financially in the US are opting to make aliyah to get a fresh start.   With free one way tickets to Israel along with the absorption benefits, it’s understandable how this can be very appealing to those having a hard time making ends meet.  (For the last three years, there were significant additional benefits for those moving to northern Israel, which are now no longer available, and these were even more enticing.)

It’s important to be clear before making the move here that almost everything costs more in Israel than in the US.  Expenses such as utilities are proportionate to US expenses but salaries are generally much lower.  (Things like food and car ownership/gas costs are higher, tuition and private health care are lower.)  When I’ve asked people who are struggling in the US about how they plan to make it financially in Israel, they’ve told me, “If I’m going to be poor, I might as well be poor in Israel.”  There’s a mitzva to live in Israel and all things being equal, of course it’s better to be here than in chutz l’aretz.  But all things aren’t equal.

If you’re planning to be poor, seriously consider staying in the US; in my opinion, it’s much harder to be poor in Israel.  Making aliyah is a wonderful thing, but dreams come crashing hard and fast when there’s not enough money to live.   Making aliyah takes a lot of money.  There are a extensive costs in setting up a home from scratch in a new country.  It can take a very long time to find employment, and you need to be able to get through until you have an income.  And there aren’t the financial safety nets that exist in the US and make it possible for the poor to live a tolerable life (eg food stamps, housing assistance).  If you’re going to be poor, stay where you have friends and family who can emotionally support you.  Stay where you speak the language, where you have connections and you know how to navigate the culture.

Having faith everything will work out can’t be your exclusive plan – some might call this wishful thinking.    This is a tough thing to balance because you do need to take a huge leap of faith to make the move.

If you’re struggling in the US, ask yourself why you’re struggling.  Sometimes a change in location will open up new opportunities and possibilities that will help you shift your financial situation for the better.  But more often, the reasons you struggled in the US will come along with you.  Making aliyah will not make you or your spouse a motivated go-getter, provide you with education or work experience in a given field, or give you a good work ethic.  It will not improve your marriage or your communication about tough subjects like money, or make it easier to be financially responsible or live within your means.  But if you can be honest about what got you to where you were and address these underlying issues that caused the problems for you in the past, there’s every reason to think that you can have a more positive experience in Israel.

I love living in Israel, and I feel privileged on a daily basis to be here.  And I want everyone who moves here to have a positive experience!  So think about the tough questions regarding money before you come, change your ‘stinking thinking’, make a plan, and then work your plan!

Avivah