Monthly Archives: March 2024

Steps I’m taking to protect my son from bullies

parenting

On Shabbos morning, my eleven year old son with Down syndrome was walking to shul when a group of boys on the other side of the street ran over, pushed him to the ground into the bushes and kicked him.

I was on my way to shul with the younger kids when I saw him coming towards home. Since he had left to go to shul a bit earlier, I was surprised to see him and asked him what was going on. He told me he came to tell me what happened to him, that some boys hurt him.

When I get very angry, I get very quiet and don’t say a lot. I comforted him and he walked back to shul with us. As we were coming towards where the attack happened, I saw two kids glance in our direction and run away. I asked him if he saw the kids who did it and he said it was them, but of course I only saw their backs.

I wanted to find the culprits immediately, but I was with all four of the younger kids and our dog (he has anxiety about being left at home alone). I didn’t want the incident to pass without any reaction from us. I waited outside the shul for a couple of minutes until I saw other kids come out and called out to them, “Are you the ones who hurt my son?”

They asked who my son was (he had run ahead of me at that point) and when I indicated him, one of them told me it wasn’t him, that he had even given him a bag of chips. So who was it, I insisted. They gave me a name, and told me the boy’s father had come out and taken care of the issue. I doubted the way it was addressed would be adequate but thanked the boy for what he shared with me.

Before I got into shul, two girls about nine or ten were waiting for me to tell me my son had been attacked. One of them was a neighbor and she witnessed what happened. I asked them for details of what she saw. After shul her mother spoke to me. She had preceded me to shul and seen my son looking very sad on his way home. She asked him why he looked so sad, he told her and she had gone to that shul to find out who was involved. She got the same name that I had and one other. Since I heard that one boy involved was a visitor and one attends another shul, I thought they were might be giving me the names of those two boys to throw people off from the main instigators.

After the Purim morning megilla reading (Sunday), two women were waiting to speak to me. They heard about what happened to my son and wanted to offer their help. They were brainstorming what to do about this situation, since for weeks this group of boys have been sitting outside of the shul, waiting for younger and more vulnerable kids from our shul to pass when there are no adults in side. Then they run over and hurt them. They offered to buy special candies for my son so he could give them to the boys if they came to hurt him.

Generally I’m very patient even with things I disagree with but I had no tolerance for this idea, and I forcefully told them absolutely not. You don’t reward bullies for hurting you, and become a cringing pathetic creature trying to curry favor.

A couple of days passed with Purim and then Shushan Purim, and the next morning (Tuesday) I got busy. I did some research and learned where these boys went to school. After a two hour meeting at dd6’s kindergarten, I went to the boys’ school to speak with the principal. He had just left, so while I waited for him to return I called the representative at the local council who is responsible for addressing communal violence.

She told me she has already heard about the ongoing attacks and is working on finding a solution that addresses the roots, not just a superficial response, and that will take time. Great, I told her, I agree that’s a good thing. And while you’re working on that deeper response, there needs to be police supervision of this area. She said she would speak to the local police officer about it.

I thanked her, got off the phone and then called back to get the officer’s number to speak to him myself.

Then I went back to the school and found out the principal had returned. Since they don’t allow women on the premises, I waited outside the front gate while they called him and told him I was there to speak to him. Almost immediately, an obnoxious boy ran over and demanded to know who I was and what I was doing there. What is it with the kids in this community that so many of them are so obnoxious?, I wondered to myself. Then another boy ran over and asked if I was ds’s mother, and if I was there because boys hurt him. Yes, I nodded. The second boy said to the first, your brother was one of the ones that hurt him. Very interesting, I thought, just as the principal arrived.

There’s no question that within a short time all of the kids at the boys’ school knew I was there because of what happened to my son; I could almost feel the news spreading.

I told the principal what happened and that I needed his help to address what had happened with his students. He tsked tsked in sympathy, and said the shul isn’t his jurisdiction. I told him I understand that but that there needs to be a response so these boys know what they’re doing isn’t acceptable and it’s not being ignored. He told me he’s willing to do whatever he can to help me, and asked if I know who’s involved. I told him the two boys at the gate knew what happened, and gave him the name of another boy who was present and can tell him who everyone was. Since these boys are from a different shul, none of the kids attacked knew who they were, and until now I don’t think anyone has had names to work with. I didn’t give the two names I was given because I didn’t want to throw everything off by mentioning them and being told they weren’t his students, since I knew the majority of the kids involved are from that school.

He right away began investigating, while the security guard sitting there mentioned he knows my son. He told me his son is the driver of my son’s school van and likes my son a lot, and mentioned how nice it was that I gave him mishloach manos. It was a nice and unexpected connection, and we chatted for a few minutes about other things. Then he told me it was a shame I don’t have names because it would help if they know who is involved. I told him I have a couple of names, and told him the last name of one boy.

He repeated the name and exclaimed, that’s the boy who started talking to you when you got here! He asked for the other name, and when I said it, he made a face like it made sense, then told me these are both very problematic kids. He called over the principal so I could give him the names.

I was glad to know I had the names of the actual ringleaders. From there, I went home and found my husband talking to a visitor who was using our printer. I mentioned where I had come back from, and the visitor told me his son was attacked on Purim morning by this same group, and then later in the day the kids hid close to his home and three brothers attacked his son when he went out by himself. He knew the first names of two brothers involved, so now I had some more detail.

Since I had another school meeting, this one for ds6, my husband went out to meet my son’s school van when it arrived. He spoke to the driver and the man who accompanies the kids, who both go to that shul. He told them what happened to our son and what boys were involved, and asked what could be done. They said these children are from the negative part of their community and it was clear from the response that they create a lot of havoc.

Meanwhile, from my meeting I went to pick up dd6 from kindergarten, which is located on a larger campus where the daughter of that shul’s rave runs the afternoon program. She’s the mother of a large family and I’ve met her casually a couple of times. As with the principal, I wanted to speak to her in person because a personal connection is better created in person, rather than making phone calls or sending emails. I waited for her to be available, then told her about what happened. More tsk tsking in sympathy.

I appreciate the sympathy, but what I want action is taken to prevent any other children from being hurt, and I told her so. I told her this isn’t about my specific child, but about all the children from our shul. She told me that her father has taken care of every incident he’s heard about. While I appreciate that, I suggested that more needs to be done if he’s addressed it and it continues to happen. She said these children come to shul without their parents and don’t have anyone supervising them. I proposed that the adults in their shul set up some kind of supervision so that this doesn’t happen again. She didn’t think that was a good idea, but said she would call her father right away to talk to him about this.

That night I told my fourteen and sixteen year olds that I had been working on addressing what happened to my eleven year old on Shabbos. They asked me what I was talking about. I was taken aback that seemingly everyone in the community knows my son was attacked – everyone except my boys. I didn’t talk about it on Shabbos, because as I said, my focus was on thinking about what to do, not talking. They were furious.

The next morning I spoke with my twenty five year old son who will be coming for Shabbos. My seventeen year old will also be coming home for Shabbos (he comes on alternate weeks). I told him I’m not relying on the city council, the principal or the shul rav to keep our son safe.

I put forward the idea that they go to that shul together with my fourteen and sixteen year olds. Maybe my husband will go, maybe my eleven year old will go but definitely the four of them. We have to work out the specifics. My boys aren’t massive but they’re not small; two are over six feet and while the others aren’t as tall, only 5’9 and 5’10, they all have a good presence. I’ve raised them all not to use physical force to solve problems even though every one of them is very capable of physically defending himself. I want the message to get out that my eleven year old has big brothers looking out for him and if they mess with him again, his brothers are going to respond. My older son agreed that’s a good approach. If I’m right in my assessment of these kids, they don’t respect nice words – they respect might.

I received a text message from the city council representative saying the police officer was in touch with one of their community leader and warned them that they needed to address the issue so it doesn’t happen again, or they would have to take steps to stop it. I was dissatisfied with that response, since after all my conversations, I felt fairly certain that the community members don’t know how to deal with these kids and that the parents aren’t in the picture as a positive force. I hope that I’m wrong about that and am being too pessimistic.

The next day, the representative called me and we spoke for another twenty minutes. I was very forceful in my insistence that this needs to be addressed and we have to be realistic that a verbal warning is unlikely to be sufficient. I gave her the names of the ringleaders and told her it’s important to stop what’s going on because if we don’t, it’s going to escalate. I explained that these kids will unquestionably become juvenile delinquents and the kids themselves and both communities involved will benefit from them a strong response right now.

She asked for details of the ages of kids attacked and the times it’s happening. I told her, and also said there needs to be a police presence for those two hours of the morning. She said they don’t have the manpower. I warned her that while everyone is our community is doing their best to maintain peace, there’s a lot of anger from other parents who feel that their children aren’t being protected and the city council is turning a blind eye. While I’m the one making the calls, this isn’t about just me and my son. Again, when I speak with people I want to create allies and that doesn’t happen by attacking people, but I spoke to her as strongly as possible and detailed things that have happened in the past, the challenges involved in this specific situation, and how critical it was that they take this very seriously.

I also made some very specific suggestions as to how the police officer deal with the children involved and their parents. I don’t know if this will be conveyed. I would like to speak to him in person as well, but if I have any sort of conversation with him, that won’t happen until next week.

Before this call, I was planning to speak to the mayor in person that day to request the police presence begin immediately this Shabbos. But my seven year old was home with me, I had been up since 4 in the morning, and I was tired by the time the representative and I finished speaking at around noon. I didn’t know what the mayor’s hours were and didn’t have the energy to go running around with my son in tow to try to catch him. I decided to wait a little longer and give everyone involved the time to work on this situation.

While I’m taking the action that I can, I know that it’s not my efforts that will create change and we need heavenly assistance to succeed. I’m appreciative of all prayers on our behalf that this violence against children is resolved quickly.

Avivah

Shop early to reduce the financial pressure of the holidays

frugal strategies, homemaking, Pesach

This is an expensive time in the Jewish calendar, with Purim being followed soon after by Pesach.

I’ve wanted to write on this for a while and realize I’m a bit tardy in sharing thoughts on navigating this, but hopefully you can still utilize some aspect of the strategies I’m sharing.

When all of the expenses pile up at once, it can be overwhelming. For the week of Pesach, we usually spend 5000 shekels on food – an amount that’s close to our usual monthly total. Then there are the clothing related expenses and that adds several thousands more. Adding in nine or ten thousand shekels of expenses is quite a bit to swallow in one month.

So we don’t.

I space out major purchases so it doesn’t feel overwhelming to pay for everything within a two or three week period.

I wanted to buy the four older boys (14, 16, 17, 21) new suits, and new hats for three of them. That’s a nice chunk of change to spend at once, but I made my purchases before Purim. There were several benefits to doing this: 1) the money for this was spent six weeks before Pesach and not on top of all the other Pesach expenses.

2) I don’t like shopping or vacationing or driving in crowds. That’s not to say I can’t tolerate it, but I’d rather have more peace and quiet in my life, and doing as much as I can do off-season adds to my serenity. In two weeks, every yeshiva bochur in the country will have vacation and will be Pesach suit shopping, together with his younger brothers and father – can you guess what the clothing stores are going to be like?

By shopping early, we had the store and staff to ourselves, with plenty of personal attention and assistance. It’s so much more relaxing and enjoyable to shop like this, rather than having to work hard to get the attention of someone who many other customers simultaneously want help from.

3) I really appreciate getting things that can be done ahead of time taken care of. My life is really full – whose isn’t? – and I would be fooling myself to push off tasks while thinking wishfully that it will be easier at a later time. It’s never easier later. There’s just as much to do later on, plus all the things that were pushed off! This is one thing that has been critical to me staying on top of all that I need to do – I try to minimize procrastination (although dealing with paperwork for Israeli bureaucracy is my weakness). There’s enough to do that can’t be scheduled in advance, so why leave this to a time when there’s so much to do?

So the clothing purchases were all finished by the beginning of March.

Now about food shopping. For our family, our biggest expenses are matza and meat. When I’ve gone to the store in recent weeks, I’ve been dismayed to see that the freezer section is very thin and the prices are very high – to me, shockingly high.

Since I buy meat by the case, I don’t need to shop at the supermarket more than once every four to six weeks. The rise in prices caught me off guard because when I last bought a case of meat two or three months ago, everything was normal. Every section in the meat freezers were full and if the sales weren’t amazing, they were nonetheless regular and the prices were fairly steady.

My infrequent shopping trips meant I didn’t see the meat slowing emptying out and the prices going up. I’ve gone every week for the last three or four weeks, and every week looks worse than the week before. I asked the person in charge of the meat section what is going on, and he said that there’s a supply issue. I asked if they expect the weekly orders to fill the gap and they said they’re making their usual orders but many items aren’t coming in. They’re hoping that some ships will come in with more supplies.

That wasn’t reassuring for me, particularly not with Pesach so close on the horizon. Even when there aren’t supply issues, prices go up for Pesach. None of this is a surprise and what’s good about that is you can plan around it. It really makes a difference to think ahead and plan ahead.

To mediate the effect of the high prices I utilize a strategy that I’ve written about in the past: stock up when the items you want are on sale. I buy my meat ahead of time when there are still bargains to be found in the meat sections; the closer it gets to the holiday, the fewer good buys there are.

I haven’t been able to buy the cuts I prefer for quite a long time, so three weeks ago I decided to buy twenty kilos of ground meat since there was plenty of that. When I went back the next week, it was yet another empty space in the freezer section with everything cleaned out – the woman working there remembered that I had bought a lot and told me how smart it was to do that.

The next week they had beef tongue at a thirty percent discount, though it wasn’t marked as being on sale – I only knew because I directly asked the person in charge of the meat section. While I usually buy a small quantity of tongue, this time I bought a much larger amount. (I used to buy brisket (#3) and chuck (#10) because they were the most affordable but several months ago I discovered flanken (#9) when it was on sale for the same price as brisket. Flanken is now my absolute favorite because it’s so much fattier than brisket; animal fat is not only delicious, but very important for body and brain function and is even beneficial for your skin!)

It’s not too late to spread out your expenses even though Pesach is just a month away. Think about what your anticipated Pesach expenses are. Are there items you can buy now? I don’t buy groceries in advance because I prefer to have my home clean for Pesach before bringing in food items (other than meat), but maybe getting your Pesach staples now would work for you. What about housewares? Do you need another pot or set of silverware? (I bought two new sets of silverware for Pesach a couple of months ago when they were on sale and put them in my Pesach cabinet.) Go ahead and do some early shopping!

How do you keep your Pesach spending from becoming overwhelming? I’d love to see your tips!

Avivah

Post Purim recap

marriage, parenting, personal development

What a beautiful Purim we had!

It was of course a very full and busy day. I did the deliveries with all of the kids for the mishloach manot, which I usually ask my husband to do while I prepare for the Purim seuda. But this year he wasn’t feeling 100% and I wanted him to be able to rest before the seuda. I actually really enjoy doing the deliveries and it was nice to get out with them.

In the process of assembling mishloach manot

We made a lot of stops with all of the kids getting out almost every time, so when we came home we were all pretty tired. My husband and teen boys announced they needed to go to shul right after we got back, and being so tired with still so much work do, I was aware of feeling much closer to the edge of irritation than I usually feel. Even though my seventeen year old organizes the learning after mincha, I told them I was too tired to get ready and take care of the kids for the next two hours on my own, and requested they come home without staying for the learning so they could help get ready for the seuda.

Women: if you don’t ask for what you need, the chances are high you won’t get it and then you’ll be resentful that someone didn’t read your mind – which isn’t really fair. Men are generally pretty accommodating if you directly (without hostility) let them know what you need.

They came home and encouraged me to take a nap while they got ready, which I agreed to, even though part of me was concerned everything wouldn’t be done the way I wanted it. I woke up right after our guests arrived, and everything was ready without me being there to supervise. It wasn’t perfect but overall everything looked great.

In the middle of the meal, my married daughter and family came to visit, and soon after we were joined by another family. It was a festive and upbeat atmosphere that we all enjoyed and during the post-Purim recap, our teens appreciated what a fun and enjoyable Purim they had.

The younger kids had a great time, too, and though we kept them all up until everything was over, ds6 bitterly complained about being expected to go to bed. He began cursing me in “Arabic” and spitting at me, which isn’t rare behavior for him when he’s tired but he doesn’t usually lose himself so much that he expresses himself in that way towards me. He was so upset that when I tried to hold him and calm him down, his entire body was shaking while he yelled that he wasn’t going to sleep. I never put him in bed without our nighttime routine of singing and hugs, but that night it was clear he needed to go directly into bed. He kept yelling and crying until a few minutes later, he was sound asleep.

Sometimes kids need active direction, and sometimes you have to realize when they’re so emotionally beyond their capacity that they can’t be directed. In that case, they need compassion while helping them meet their underlying need (in this case, putting to bed an overexhausted child).

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We had a slow morning today. The kids were all home, and after all the stimulation of the day before, I consciously wanted to keep the pace very mellow so everyone could regroup.

The older boys and I have been talking about planning a family camping trip for the upcoming bein hazmanim (yeshiva break). Ds16 took out tents and sleeping bags to take inventory of what we have and what we need. He assembled the large family sized tent and let it stand for a few hours so the younger kids could play inside.

Meanwhile, ds14 found a can of Pepsi that he was given on Purim. We don’t drink it but find it useful once a year when it’s given to us – he asked me if he could show dd6 how to clean the toilet with it. It’s very acidic and rather than drink it and have it leach minerals from our bones, we take advantage of those qualities to scrub the toilet. A bonus is the bathroom is really clean now.

Then I asked dd14 to take a look at our washer and see if he can figure out why it’s not draining fully before I buy a new one. He took it apart but didn’t have any luck solving the problem. It might be time to replace it, but I’m reluctant since it’s a heavy duty non-computerized US model and I can’t find anything similar here.(I’m open to suggestion if you know of something that has a ten kilo capacity or more that is well-made.) On the other hand, if I do have to buy a new washing machine, I have a repurposing project in mind for the old washer.

Ds14 generously offered to watch the kids so I could go to a clothing sale in the area; it was a sale of brand new clothing that was being sold for the ridiculously cheap price of five shekels each – overstocks and end of season items. I did a lot of shopping for dd6 last week, and today I finished buying her summer wardrobe. I was pleasantly surprised to find clothing for myself and with seven new skirts for the whopping sum of forty shekels (with tax) I’m also set for the upcoming hot weather now.

I met my daughter at the sale, and she and her kids came back home with us to spend time here. They stayed until it was almost time for me to leave to take the twins for a visit with their parents. My daughter took ds7 back with her for special time at her house, which is really nice because it’s hard for him that the twins come home from their visits with snacks and presents, and he doesn’t get any of that. We try very hard to find ways to give him extra nurturing to offset some of the challenges he experiences as a result of them being here. I took ds11 to visit my mom, so he also had special time while I went to the mediation center.

The twins’ parents brought the costumes they’ve been talking about for six weeks, which was good. Ds’s soldier costume included a gun that they told him I would put the batteries in. They consistently give him battery powered toys and tell him that when he gets home he can put batteries in. They have no way of knowing that I’m the wrong person to expect to take care of this because I have a strong dislike of electronic toys. For years I’ve disabled any electronic toy that I’ve bought. I explained to ds6 that it’s fun to play with it without batteries, too. Since all the toys he gets are so poorly made that they break after a day or two, he won’t have a chance to think more about the batteries before this toy is broken.

It was nice that today was on the mellow side, since the schedule for this week is already full with IEP meetings for each of the twins, speech therapy for ds7 and ds11 on Wednesday, and a couples meeting for my husband and I with dd6’s therapist. That leaves one day this week with no meetings currently scheduled, but don’t worry, it will get filled up soon!

In addition to that, tomorrow it’s a high priority for me to make some calls and/or have some meetings regarding a group of boys that jumped ds11 on Shabbos morning when he walked by their shul, and crossed the street to push him around and kick him. To put it mildly, there’s a very challenging population involved and that’s all I’ll say about that for now except to add that it’s not acceptable.

Avivah

Purim preparations

homemaking

We’re busy with Purim preparations around here!

Dd6 and ds6 had Purim parties in their kindergartens yesterday for which they dressed up in costumes. The twins’ parents told them during a visitation almost six weeks ago that they were bringing costumes for them and told them what costumes they were buying for each of them. They’ve been talking about wearing them literally every day. During that very visit, I purchased the costume for ds11 from a branch of the same store that their father works in, and when they came out of the visit talking about the costumes, I knew exactly what their parents were planning to buy.

Two weeks later we had a missed visitation when the kids were sick, then had a video call in which the parents again told them about the costumes. A week later, I took them for another visit with their parents, and asked the supervising social worker to be sure the kids dressed in their new costumes and their parents took pictures for themselves.

They came out an hour later LOADED with treats – two big bags filled with candies and wafer and snack bags – but no costumes. I asked the social worker where the costumes were – she blithely responded that they would bring them to the next visit two weeks later – after Purim.

The next time the twins were talking about the costumes their parents were going to give them, I gently told them that they weren’t going to be seeing their parents before Purim. I didn’t tell them they wouldn’t be dressing up in the anticipated costumes but they realized it on their own. It was sad to me when after five weeks of talking every day about wearing the costumes from their parents, without any discussion between them or me, they suddenly switched to talking about different costumes. They were very excited about the costumes I got them and dd6 was so sweet in thanking me repeatedly after I surprised her with a crown and makeup, to add to the costume she knew she would be wearing.

I wasn’t excited about the costumes they were supposed to get, but I was frustrated that their parents had talked about it so much, for so long, and then didn’t deliver on their promises. I know they have their issues but I had a hard time justifying this oversight as their father works every single day in the store that sells them and they’ve been in stock for many weeks. I asked our social worker to convey to the parents’ social worker that even though it will be after Purim, it would be good for the children if they bring the costumes to the next visit. That way, their disappointment will be mitigated and they can still use them for dress-up during the year (the younger three kids play dress-up about five days a week).

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Today was Taanis Esther (Fast of Esther), and ds7 and ds11 had the day off. Since ds6 went off the rails emotionally after coming home from his class Purim party yesterday, I thought it would be good to keep him home and help him settle his nervous system. With Purim being such a busy and stimulating time, carving out some quiet and connection time seemed like a good thing to do. I then decided to keep dd6 home, too, and I’ll keep them home tomorrow (Friday) as well so they’ll go into Purim as rested and calm as possible. (My daughter told me that in Jerusalem Friday is a day off for the schools, but that’s not the case for our area – it seems there are different official holiday dates in different parts of the country.)

We all took ds14 to Tiberias to buy the remaining accessories for the costumes for him, ds16 and my husband, and pick up his suit for Pesach. (I took the boys suit shopping for Pesach at the beginning of the week but the suit he wanted wasn’t in stock in his size so they ordered it for him). The three of them are doing a theme of chasidim and needed streimels (fur hats) and white knee socks. I bought their bekeshes (long satin coats), chasidish tzitzis and chasidish kippas at a second hand place in Bet Shemesh. Planning their costumes together has heightened the anticipation for Purim.

Afterwards I took the younger four kids on a really nice trip. There was a lot of running around in the fresh air and it was just what they all needed after being in the car for so long. By the time we got home, we had been out for five and a half hours; the kids were exhausted and so was I. Bless my husband, who gave them all dinner and put them to bed.

As I said to one of my teens today, Purim is a holiday for the organized woman! There are so many things to do: prepare costumes for children, hear the megilla read in the evening and morning, prepare mishloach manot and deliver them all, keep the children fed and entertained throughout the day so they don’t get overdosed on sugar, and prepare the food for a festive Purim meal. This year there’s even more to do since Purim begins immediately after Shabbos ends, so there’s all the Shabbos preparations to do as well as the Purim preparation!

I took a nap while my husband did bedtime so I could get up to to get a start on preparing mishloach manos in a quiet kitchen. I always try to give foods that can be used for the Purim meal, and this year plan to give kugel and a couple of salads.

Several weeks ago I ordered some decorative boxes for the mishloach manos. When they arrived, they were bigger than I had pictured. I decided to use them anyway but filling them requires making bigger quantities of foods than I had intended. Fortunately I have plenty of ingredients to make many multiples of each recipe. I have a mountain of eggshells and in the morning our chickens will happy to eat them all. (I crumble them first.)

I stayed up very late to get the Purim baking finished. Since I’m an early riser staying up late isn’t usually the best use of my energy, but in addition to all the regular things that need to be done for Shabbos, in the morning I’ll need to get ds11 and ds7 ready for their class Purim parties and take dd6 to her therapist appointment. I’m so glad to have all the cakes and kugels baked and wrapped, and the salads are almost finished as well – they just have to be put into containers.

My husband and boys did a lot of the prep work to make this easier for me, and while we were up late together, I advised my sixteen year old son regarding how to make granola he wanted to make (he’s giving yogurt and granola). My fourteen year old son also made a large pan of lemon mousse for the Purim meal. He’ll be making Yerushalmi kugel in the morning to go along with the crackers and herring he’s already prepared. There so much to do and it’s nice to have all of this taken care of.

Now on to Shabbos and Purim meal preparations!

Avivah

Recognizing and replacing limiting financial thinking

personal development

Recently, we needed to make a cash purchase on short notice for a sum that was higher than the daily maximum able to be withdraw from the ATM.

Since it was too late in the day to go to the bank and withdraw the necessary sum, we scraped together all the cash we had in the house that was set aside for different purposes. I assumed that in the next day or two I would withdraw the sum we ‘borrowed’ from ourselves from the bank and replace it. I delayed doing that, however, since the next day I saw that a large sum owed to us that was supposed to have been deposited wasn’t made. I decided to wait until that was paid before making the withdrawal to replace the cash.

Over the next day I noticed something really interesting.

When I got to an appointment much earlier than I expected, I began considering what to do while I waited for my appointment. “I could stop at the grocery store.” No, you don’t have any cash with you. “Oh, there’s a toy store with costumes; maybe they have the dress-up hat I’m looking for??” No, you don’t have any cash with you.

Then I thought about scheduling a trip I wanted to take the boys on at some time in the future, which reminded me I didn’t have cash for it. As thoughts went through my mind during the morning hours, to all of those that involved money I told myself, “You don’t have money for that.”

Until that morning, I didn’t realize how often thoughts connected to money went through my head. Since I generally keep cash available for my discretionary spending, when a thought about spending goes through my mind, I tell myself, “Sure, I can do that.” Sometimes I make the purchase; more often than not it remains a thought. But I was continually telling myself “Yes, I have the resources and I can do that.”

I could mentally spend the same thousand shekels many times over, and it was still sitting in my wallet after all of it! These thoughts of abundance were creating and reinforcing a sense of prosperity in me.

I didn’t realize how positive all those thoughts were until I experienced the contrast. After just four hours of telling myself, “You don’t have and you can’t,” I felt so deprived. It didn’t matter that I didn’t need any of these things, and it didn’t matter that I have the money to replace the cash sitting in my bank account. What mattered is that I kept telling myself I couldn’t have those items/experiences.

This was a powerful reminder for me of how important it is to pay attention to the thoughts we allow into our heads! I haven’t yet withdrawn the cash, but I’m now more conscious of what I was telling myself and replacing those thoughts with ‘Yes’ thoughts.

I remember years ago hearing someone talk about keeping a hundred dollars in his pocket, because it created a sense of prosperity in him. I now understand exactly what he was talking about!

Avivah



This part is easily and inexpensively available in the US, but here it’s been very, very challenging to find. It’s been hard to even find a mechanic who will deal with the issue.

Fortunately, my husband has been persistent and finally found a mechanic who specializes in these vehicles. This mechanic kept an eye out for the part we needed, and called to tell us he found a compatible vehicle for sale. The vehicle has legal issues that prevent it from being driven, but is in good condition and is for sale for a relatively cheap price. “Great!” I told my husband when he called me.

“The only thing is, we need to buy the vehicle. But the mechanic has other people who want other parts from it so we can get back a good bit of our purchase money.” Oh. That was much more of an investment than I anticipated. And the mechanic needed the money in cash by that night so he could buy the car before someone else did.

Since it was too late in the day to go to the bank and withdraw cash, and the ATM has a daily limit which was inadequate for our needs, we had to scrounge together every bit of cash we could.

Since we had the sum we needed in our bank account, I assumed we’d withdraw cash to replenish the money within a day or so, but the next day learned that a large sum of money due to us wasn’t paid when we expected. Eventually that will be paid but until we get it, I don’t want to take out the replacement cash. This means we’re temporarily out of cash that we would usually keep at hand.

Since our bills are paid, we have food and we can buy more of what we need if we need it, that isn’t a problem. But I noticed something really intriguing.

I usually have discretionary cash available. I don’t use it for many things, but it’s there if I want to use it. I didn’t have it for just two days that I began to realize how much that affected my personal sense of prosperity.

Yesterday I got to an appointment much earlier than I expected. I began considering what to do while I waited for my appointment. “I could stop at the grocery store.” No, you don’t have any cash with you. “Oh, there’s a toy store with costumes; maybe they have the dress-up hat I’m looking for??” No, you don’t have any cash with you.

Then I thought about scheduling a trip I wanted to take the boys on, which reminded me I didn’t have cash for it. I kept thinking of things I wanted to do and most of them required money. As the options went through my mind, I would tell myself, “I don’t have money for that.”

This felt so negative and limiting to me. It didn’t matter that I didn’t need any of these things. What mattered is that I kept telling myself I couldn’t have them.

I paused and thought about how different this felt to what I usually tell myself, “I could buy/get that. I have cash on me.” Even though I don’t usually buy most of those things, I’m usually giving myself constant ‘yes’ messages. ‘Yes, I can,’ ‘Yes, I will’, ‘Yes, I could’. I don’t have to buy any of those things, but every time I said ‘yes’ to myself, I felt expansive and financially blessed.

Keeping kids full – what I feed them first thing in the day

health

This week when I took my six year old to kindergarten, his teacher told me the day before he was very hungry when he came to school. He and ds7 took an especially long time to get dressed and he only had time for a banana or two before he left, so I wasn’t surprised. I pack his lunch box with enough food that he can eat something as soon as he gets to school if he wants to. All the kids eat as soon as they get to school even though the official meal time is at 10 am meal time.

I mentioned that today he’ll be fine since he had a cheese omelet before leaving home. “What, an omelet?” she exclaimed. “Of course he’ll be hungry. I would also be hungry if all I had was an omelet and cheese. You have to give him fruit to fill him up.” (She seems to have missed the detail that the day before he ate fruit and was hungry.)

This same teacher told me a few months ago that he was very hungry when he arrived at school each morning. On that day, I told her he had eaten two apples with peanut butter, two hard boiled eggs and a cup of milk before going to school, literally fifteen minutes before arriving in his classroom and saying he was hungry.

I explained that as is common with foster children, there is an emotional component to his hunger due to growing up without predictability with regards to food, so the hunger is usually not physical. (Dd6’s teachers realized this very quickly before I spoke to them about it.)

After hearing all of the above, she insisted he was hungry because I didn’t give him crackers, because fruit and eggs aren’t filling. I found it ironic when a week later I heard her tell another parent that children need a fruit before going to school so they won’t be hungry. She insisted that she has experience as a parent and she knows this to be a fact. (Her oldest is ten.) I suggested to her that we each know what works best for our children.

Since the twins are one of the first to arrive in their kindergartens, I regularly see children walking to school or to their classrooms eating their breakfasts. I’ve seen this particular teacher’s children eating chocolate bars and wafers, and that’s typical of what I see children eating. Today I saw a child having a bag of chocolate milk, another sucking on a foil bag of fake juice, another with a bag of pretzels. Wafers, tea biscuits and cornflakes in sandwich bags are very common. The twins used to have cookies for breakfast in their last home, and their foster mother was relatively health conscious.

Processed carbohydrates are not foods that will stabilize blood sugar and provide steady energy for the body and brain. Instead, snack foods like these set a child up to have blood sugar highs and lows, with foggy brains, difficulty focusing and behavior issues. There was a study done years ago in which sugar was removed from the diet of prison inmates and they saw an immediate and drastic reduction in fights. Don’t you think that doing the same for school children would result in calmer and happier children?

What do I give our children in the mornings? Until recently, I was giving each child a fruit (usually an apple or banana), sometimes with peanut butter, two or three hard boiled eggs and goat milk. I stopped giving them hard boiled eggs a few weeks ago since the twins only eat the whites.

Interestingly, dd’s teacher told me that lately she’s been extremely fidgety, and suggested I should get her evaluated for attention deficit issues since her inability to sit still will be an issue in first grade. I didn’t think to ask how long they had noticed this increased fidgetiness. I wonder if the lack of protein first thing in the day was a contributing factor to her behavior change to any degree, and am now being more careful that the four younger children all have more protein first thing in the day.

Though we think of fruit as a healthy snack – and it’s better than pop tarts or boxed cereal by far – it still has a good bit of sugar in it. It tastes good in the mouth, but doesn’t have the fat necessary to cause the brain to register satiety and it doesn’t keep their blood sugar levels optimal. It’s important for all children to have stable blood sugar, but particularly those with ADD/ADHD, as it keeps their brains and bodies on a more even keel.

As such I’m experimenting with moving away from fruit in the morning, and am looking to increase the amount of protein I get into them before the school day begins. Since I’m trying to minimize grains, whole grain breakfast bars, muffins, cookies or hot cereals like oatmeal and polenta infrequently make an appearance before school, even though I enjoy making them and the kids of course like eating them!

Here’s some of what I’ve been giving them lately:

Cottage cheese mixed with sour cream – all of the kids like this and it’s really filling so this is great.

Scrambled eggs with butter – sometimes I give them cottage cheese or sour cream on the side

Cheese omelets – I scramble five or six eggs and cook them in butter in a large frying pan. I add shredded cheese on top to half of the pan, then fold it over and slice it into four portions. When they finish, I make a second batch for anyone who wants more.

Spelt pancakes – to boost the protein content, I increased the ratio of eggs from one egg to one cup of flour, to 6 eggs for one cup of flour. They all like this a lot, but since I’m trying to minimize grains it’s not something I’m going to make more than once a week.

Almond flour pancakes – like the spelt pancakes above, the kids like this a lot but due to almonds being so high in oxalates which build up in the body and can later cause painful issues (kidney stones are an oxalate overload issue), I try to keep my use of almond flour to a minimum.

Cottage cheese pancakes – cottage cheese combined with egg and some almond flour or gelatin (fish based) – I haven’t yet made them but they’re on my list to try in the next few days.

Butternut squash muffins – this is a GAPS friendly recipe that uses baked and blended butternut squash combined with eggs and peanut butter with a little bit of sweetener. So far they liked the maple syrup version best.

Chocolate pudding – I used this recipe as a base; it uses hard boiled eggs as a base, blended up, which is a simply brilliant concept. I tweaked the recipe, made this the night before, poured it into individual cups and put in in the fridge to set overnight. Since usually the kids have flavored yogurts for Shabbos breakfast (which they call pudding), this was very exciting for them! However, seeing how messy some of them got, I’ve decided to save it for Shabbos mornings to preclude the need to spot clean their clothes or have them get dressed again on a busy school morning.

I’ve just bought a waffle maker with the intention to ‘package’ high protein ingredients in a fun way. That will be something I begin experimenting with next week.

Eventually if I get around to making cheeses with our goat milk (right now cheesemaking is very much on my back burner) I can add that to the morning foods or foods I send to school. Our teen boys make yogurt and soft cheeses, but it’s somewhat irregular.

I’m going to check in a few weeks with dd’s teacher and see if there have been any improvements in her fidgetiness. Ds6 is already the best behaved child in his class of 9, but I have a meeting with his main teacher (not the one mentioned above) next week and will be asking about if they notice any differences in his ability to stay focused.

A noticeable change in behavior would be a nice bonus, but I’ll continue feeding them in this way regardless. When I eat like this – ie high fat/moderate protein – it keeps me satiated for long periods of time.

What do you like to give your children for breakfast? What keeps them full the longest?

Avivah

When kids are sick – trusting the healing process

health

We’ve emerged from the two week period of sick children and it’s great to have everyone up and about again!

One of the flu symptoms everyone experienced was deep exhaustion One of my teen sons, seeing one of the younger boys sleeping a lot, asked me if it I felt worried to see such an active child completely passive for so long.

Although as a younger mother I got more nervous if a child was sick, in general twenty or thirty years ago people were more relaxed when a child was under the weather. It was understood that kids get sick and with time will get better; there wasn’t an expectation that we had to run to a doctor and medicate every symptom. With a lot of years of experience I’ve developed a steadfast sense of trust in the healing process.

When I look at a feverish child with flushed cheeks, huddled under a blanket and sleeping for long periods of time, I don’t feel anxious – I see the amazing ability of the human body to take care of itself, to cleanse itself of toxins and restore health and harmony to the body. The body is doing what it’s meant to do – burn out the bad stuff and build future immunity. While the body is working hard to neutralize the germs, the child is sleeping because the healing process takes a lot of energy. A child who just wants to sleep and isn’t interested in eating is doing just the right thing.

That fever is our friend and working hard for the child, if we can just let it do it’s job. This is why I don’t use fever reducers. (If a fever is extremely high, there are natural ways to bring it down, and I did once do this with a twelve year old whose fever spiked very high.)

To nurture the child during this time, I’ll give him drinks, warm blankets, a hot water bottle, and let him sleep in unusual places that bring him comfort. For most of the kids this was in the living room, on a mattress on the floor or on the couch. On one sunny day, I placed mattresses outside and three of them slept for hours in the sun. Sometimes I’ll take steps to address other symptoms (eg homemade onion honey cough syrup for coughing), and giving vitamin D is a great way to shorter the duration and the intensity of the symptoms.

But overall, my job is to stay calm and support the healing process.

One of my grandsons was sick and my daughter called to ask about when she should go to a doctor. I don’t tell my children to do with their children; I’ll only offer my person experience and perspective. My position is, if you feel worried, go to the doctor. I’ve done that several times over the years when something was outside of my experience and it provided confirmation that the child just had a virus and I could relax.

Right now the flu is going around, so I share this perspective with the hope that it may be of encouragement and support to you when your children are feeling under the weather. Remember, the flu is a vitamin D deficiency – some doctors have said you can not get the flu unless your vitamin D is low. Read my post here that talks about the vitamin D hammer for the flu.

Avivah