Monthly Archives: December 2018

Look who is turning 2!!!

I can hardly wrap my head around this little cutie pie turning 2!!! Does time seem to be going faster and faster or it is just me?

It doesn’t seem that long ago that we brought Rafael home from the hospital.

So how has this boy been doing??

Overall he’s been doing great though there has been some disappointing and upsetting developmental backtracking . Remember that video of him being so excited to learn to stand? He was standing all the time, and looking like walking was on the near horizon.

And then – the holidays ended and he was back to daycare. He was continually sick and always seemed tired and weak. He completely stopped standing, let alone move forward with anything else. His physical therapist told me a couple of days ago that it’s like he’s gone backwards several months developmentally, which is exactly what I see.

That’s the hardest part about fostering, that sometimes I have to do something I don’t believe to be in his best interests because that’s what the system demands. I can see it’s daycare isn’t good for him, and yet I still have to do it because they think a child does better in an outside educational framework. I pushed hard for an extra year for him to be at home with me and got it, and have to remind myself to feel grateful we were able to delay daycare as long as we were.

An issue that’s been challenging for us is that Rafael has shown very little inclination to eat from the time we started offering him solids at 10 months. From that time, he never ate more than two teaspoons a day total and only of few very foods. Nothing sweet. Nothing mushy. Nothing too chunky. Cucumbers and rice cakes were the only constants he would agree to.

Though he was medically approved for a specialty formula from the time he was a small infant, we didn’t often give it to him because we used donated mother’s milk. Only when we ran out would we use the formula, and it was very apparent that he never got sick except when he had formula for more than two or three days.

Recently he went through a month long period of one cold after another, nothing serious in and of itself;  the daycare staff told me it’s typical for a child in his first year of daycare. But he wasn’t eating much and he was even throwing up small amounts of formula – and my husband finally said, that’s it, we’re getting him off this formula.

I worried, how can we do that when he’s hardly eating anything? I mean, this child doesn’t eat. The formula was my security blanket, to know he was getting nourishment.  My husband said, the formula is making him sick, we’ve got to give him something else.

I had thought of replacing his formula with chicken broth several months before, but his speech therapist said she didn’t want me to do that. That night, we went cold turkey on the formula.

He was a very unhappy child for about a day and a half, during which time he very reluctantly would drink some small amounts of chicken soup from his bottle. But within two days, he was feeling much, much better. He suddenly was healthy again.

Not only that, suddenly he wanted to eat.  A lot. It was crazy and striking and amazing.

He began to intently watch everyone eating and literally overnight started to motion to have that food. And then he’d finish it, and have more. And then more of something else. After 14 months of trying and trying so many different foods and so many different ways to get him to eat, it was miraculous. I was afraid to believe it, afraid it was just a fluke.

But it wasn’t. And a couple of days after that, he stood up for the first time in six weeks.

So that’s all been very recent and very exciting!

The next thing that I’m working on is getting his sleep adjusted. Before he went to daycare, he would take a morning and afternoon nap, and sleep through the night. He was generally an extremely happy and good natured baby.

Then that all changed. He stopped sleeping through the night and the much shorter nap he had at daycare was much less than he was getting at home. He has been really grumpy and miserable when I pick him up, purely as a result of exhaustion. I estimated he was losing about 3 hours of sleep daily. That’s a LOT.

But by the time he gets home it’s mid afternoon and too late in the day for another nap.  So that’s the challenge right now which I feel very optimistic about resolving.

I don’t have a camera but my oldest daughter came by for dinner tonight and I asked her to snap some shots to share with you in honor of his birthday.

Me and Rafael, 2 years old.
Me and Rafael, 2 years old.
Me and Rafael, 2 years old.
Me and Rafael, 2 years old.

Rafael has a way of showing very clearly his feelings for someone. When he sees someone he loves, his face lights up and he reaches both hands out to him- my boys love being the one to pick him up from daycare because they are then the recipient of his beaming smile and outreached hands.

Just like this!

 

Oh, my gosh, how we love this boy!

Avivah

My weekly grocery expenses, teaching my son how to figure unit pricing

Another week, another list of grocery expenses to share with you! I hope these lists help you see that it’s doable to cut your food bill without depriving your family and living off of pasta and beans. 🙂  I don’t shop anywhere special, just in the local supermarkets in my area. Everyone’s list will reflect their needs, buy by applying the various strategies that I’ve shared, it will really make a difference to your food costs.

This week I spent 954.25; this doesn’t include a few items my husband bought for about 30 shekels – he didn’t give me the receipt yet so I didn’t include it in my numbers. I aim to stay within 1000 shekels a week and including his purchases, it’s under that number. Let’s call it 985 total.

Here’s the breakdown:

Produce – 219.40:

  • avocados, 2.60 kg x 6.90 – 17.94
  • carrots, 3.88 kg x 2.90 – 11.24
  • clementines, 8.70 kg  x 2.90 – 25.23
  • coconuts (3) – 11.90
  • cucumbers, 4.43 kg x 2.90 – 12.86
  • fennel, 5.65 kg x 2.90 – 16.39
  • kohlrabi, 4.83 kg x 4.90 – 23.69
  • onions, 3.66 kg x 5.90 – 21.59
  • radishes, 2.31 kg x 4.90 – 11.34
  • tomatoes, 4.5 kg x 3.90 – 17.69
  • turnip, 1.30 kg x 1.90 – 2.48
  • zucchini, dk green – 9.08 kg x 3.90 – 35.41
  • zucchini, lt green, 2.98 kg x 3.90 – 11.64

Staples – 326.61:

  • sugar (3) – 10.90
  • oatmeal – 5.90
  • flour (4 kg) – 10
  • rice cakes – (2) – 22
  • grape juice (1) – 11.20
  • extra virgin olive oil (2) – 43.80
  • white beans, dried, 1 kg (2) – 12
  • chick peas, dried, 1 kg (4) – 19.60
  • peanut butter, 1 kg (8) – 80 (yes, you read that right, 8 kg of peanut butter – it was a great sale, and when prices are this good it’s time to stock up!)
  • diced tomatoes (4) – 20
  • pickles (3) – 12.90
  • mayonnaise – 29.90
  • tomato concentrate – (6) – 24
  • mustard – 7.50
  • strawberry jam (3) – 5.70
  • raisins – 8.40
  • craisins – 6.67
  • honey, 900 gr – 19.90

Refrigerator/frozen – 361.54:

  • milk (2)- 10
  • cottage cheese, 375 gr (6) – 36
  • sour cream – (5 x 2.20) – 11
  • cream cheese – 14.80
  • hot dogs, 17.80 shekels per kilo – 28.48
  • ground meat, 32.50 shekels per kg – 68.25
  • whole chicken (8 whole, 12.66 kg x 12.90) – 163.31
  • frozen corn, 1 kg – 9.90
  • frozen peas, 1 kg – 9.90
  • frozen green beans, 1 kg – 9.90

Non-food items- 46.70:

  • toilet paper – 29.90
  • tissue, 5 pack – 11.90
  • garbage bags, roll of 25 – 4.90

This week ds11 accompanied me to a couple of stores. I had him work out the unit pricing for a number of items (real life math skills!). He was able to see how by paying attention to details, it’s possible to spend much less than other shoppers who aren’t noticing those details, even  when shopping in the same store for the same things.

I’ve been noticing that I’m consistently buying more than I need in the produce department, and cooking too much food every night for dinner. It’s all those years of cooking for a big crowd, and I haven’t reset to a smaller amount when cooking for just 9 of us.  I joked with one of my married daughters that as her family grows, she’ll be growing out of her starter pots at the same time that I’ll need to downsize from my big pots, and we can trade then!

Avivah

How I shut off the inner voice that tells me I’m not enough

Last night a short video came across my Facebook feed of an amazing single mother of 12.

She had her first at 15 – her oldest is about 25, her youngest is 4 – she’s now 42. She’s in great shape, she’s so positive and she EXUDES energy. She has a super popular FB page, she speaks all over Israel inspiring others and she even has time to help others in unfortunate situations.

Her kids rave about how wonderful she is, how loved each one is, she’s so dedicated and so loving and so much fun. ‘After school today, we’ll go have a bonfire!’ Dance party in the living room with everyone! She loves to clean.

And she’s so nice and so honest and really inspiring.

Oh, my gosh, it was so discouraging.

Because after a few minutes of watching, a little voice inside asked, “Why can’t you be a fun mother? Why can’t you be more positive? Why can’t you be more organized? LIKE HER.”

Once that voice gets started, forget it. It just keeps going: ‘All my kids wouldn’t gush about me and say how I’m this incredible being who is just beyond amazing. And how there’s so much love that they never feel shortchanged by anyone else. No, my kids say things like, I’m not paying attention to them and the kitchen is a mess and why can’t I do more than I’m already doing in one area or another?

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There were several people who commented on my last post about how inspiring it was.

Then, a blog reader who I recently had the opportunity to meet in person emailed and commented regarding that same post, “Also I loved your post on schools. I see why I was so intimidated to meet you in person. On your blog you have all the answers. (or that is how I read it). Probably because you post stuff that you have processed.”

My partial response was:

“I find it so interesting that you read my blog as coming across as having all the answers. That’s so much not the place that I write from. I try to share my process and my doubts, as well as the resolution when there is one….

The nature of online reading is people tend to put others on pedestals and assume that everything is always organized, always happy, always confident, or whatever. But life isn’t always any one way, it’s shades of grays. “

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When I was younger and would do the ‘compare and despair’ thing, I would get lost in my feelings of inadequacy and sometimes wallow in that negativity. But with maturity and a lot of conscious work in this area, I’ve become able to reel myself in a lot faster.

Yes, I have triggers – like seeing this video late at night when I was really tired. That’s when I’m most susceptible to negative thinking. But I’m grateful I was able to pretty quickly reset from, “she does this = so should I”, to ‘that’s great if she’s always happy and organized and fun. It doesn’t make me less in any way.’ Only I can make myself less.

I have to note that she never said she’s always happy and organized and fun. Yes, that’s what they showed in this ten minute clip, but it was me who went ahead and kept building assumption on top of assumption! Actually, I’m pretty positive she’s be the first to laugh and say my presumptions aren’t true at all.

Can you relate to this at all? Have you ever read or watched something, and then imagined that person was always as wonderful as they came across in the article or video or blog post? Even though you KNOW that people are human??

So what’s the answer?

For me to say, ‘That’s her and it has nothing to do with me,’ is just the first step to slowing down the negative thinking. I also have to remind myself of my own accomplishments.

Not to compare, but to remember that I’m doing fine, working with my own strengths and challenges and limitations.

Avivah

Mainstreaming for next year – questioning the status quo and who cares what the experts say?

This past week, ds12 started school. He started at the beginning of Chanuka and had the chance to get started when the days were shorter than usual and the class smaller than usual.  He’s really enjoyed it so far, and I trust that he’ll continue to enjoy it after Chanuka vacation when the class routine gets back to normal.

I had a wonderfully productive conversation with the principal of the school that ds12 is attending, who agreed to accept ds6 for the coming year. They’ve never had a student with Trisomy 21 before, but he said, “The question isn’t if we’ll accept him, but how to make it work best for him.”

Such an amazing attitude and I’m so grateful that it was so easy. I was expecting it to be hard, to spend weeks researching different options and approaching different principals of mainstream educational institutions and trying to convince them to take Yirmi. I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to place him in a school that religiously was similar to where I would send his brothers. This quick and heartfelt acceptance was Hashem’s loving kindness to me.

I let the principal know that I don’t consider school a babysitting service, I don’t want Yirmi to be mainstreamed just for social purposes but that he’s bright and we know he will learn – with modifications and support when necessary – and our hope/intention is to keep him in the same school through eighth grade.

I mentioned this to a friend who asked if I thought this was realistic – on the part of the school and for Yirmi himself. Yes, I do. As with any child, I expect there will need to be adjustments and re-adjustments made over time.  As with any child, there are likely to be frustrations and disappointments.

I also know he’s capable and believe he will become more capable only by being challenged with new opportunities and being in a framework where there are expectations of him to rise up to. If I don’t believe in him, who will?

Sometimes I worry that I’m creating a situation for Yirmi where he won’t fit in anywhere – too advanced for peers in the special ed world, but still struggling to measure up in the neurotypical world. As with other choices I’ve made that weren’t the typical path, I sometimes wish I could see how it would turn out, to have a prototype child who goes down each path, so I could know now what my choice should be.

But none of us get that luxury. We have to listen to our intuition and make the choices that feel best for us based on the factors in front of us. As comfortable as it would be to take the path that is recommended by the ‘experts’, that path hasn’t been shown to lead to the kind of life I want Yirmi to have.  All those who have raised their kids with results that I’ve admired, have done it in spite of the system – usually with great resistance from the system – and with great personal involvement.

So, I periodically have to remind myself, stop being so worried about taking the path that makes sense to me!

Back to that dilemma of mine about Yirmi not having a place to fit in. When I read the book Taking Tamar, written by a single mother who about thirty years ago adopted a child in Israel with Down syndrome, she expressed the same concerns. Her daughter was considered unusual in her accomplishments. Unfortunately, the author died a short time before I read the book; I would have loved to have spoken to her about this.

I brought up this concern to several parents who have children with Down syndrome over the last couple of weeks, who all agreed it’s a realistic concern. Then I circle back in my own mind and ask, what’s the choice?

To know how much he’s capable of, but to deny him opportunities to develop because it will push him beyond his comfort zone, to choose to push him on a track that would limit him because it could potentially be socially more comfortable? Can I consciously choose to let the bar settle wherever it settles, knowing it will decrease his functioning in every area of his life?

And what about my fear that at a certain point people won’t want to be his friend and will spend time with him as a charity case? That fear needs to be challenged. Isn’t it possible that people will like him for who he is, that he doesn’t have to be more or less than who he is to be appreciated and valued in the mainstream world?

Right now, he’s in a mainstream but personalized academic framework. He’s thriving, the other kids love him, the staff loves him, and he loves going to school. I’m really, really happy with where he’s at.

Sometimes I think it’s good to look ahead and plan for the future, and sometimes I think I’m borrowing trouble by worrying about the future when all I can do is live in the moment. Right now he’s doing great. Right now, it’s clear that being in a class with neurotypical peers would be most beneficial for him.

I don’t know what will happen down the road. I don’t know how we’ll deal with the challenges that come along and I can’t predict what those challenges will be. We’ll just have to make the choices that we feel are most supportive of him at that time.

Avivah

My weekly food expenses, menu plan and living within your means

This week’s grocery shopping was unusually compact.

This month, the day care that Rafael attends mistakenly deducted an extra 2500 shekels from our account. We’ll get it refunded, but it will take time to straighten it out.

Then, the gas company told us that for the last year they’ve been billing someone else for our account, and we need to immediately pay them the year’s sum of 2500 shekels. Since we try very, very much not to defer payment by putting it on a credit card, we used the cash that would have otherwise have gone to a couple of other categories, including food for the week.

That wasn’t the problem it sounds like – we had 200 left in cash and some small change in my wallet so that became my food budget for the week. I enjoyed my minimal shopping and was grateful that even though I didn’t anticipate having such a small sum to work with in advance, I was sufficiently stocked up that I didn’t need to buy much, even for our family Chanuka party and having guests for Shabbos.

This is really a benefit of shopping the way I do – it’s not just about saving money week to week, but creating margin so that I’m not facing an empty pantry two days before I have cash to restock up. Not only am I not running low, I even had enough surplus that no one noticed that I hardly bought any groceries!

Here’s the grocery list for this week:

  • 6 trays of eggs, 30 eggs per tray – 144
  • avocados, 1.3 kg x 6.80 kg – 8.68
  • onions, 1 kg x 7.90 – 7.90
  • onions, 4.80 kg x 5.90 – 28.11
  • potatoes, 4.1 kg x 2.80 – 11.44
  • grape juice (1) – 11.20
  • flour – 1 kg – 2.90

Total – 214.23 shekels

Edited to add in response to a question from a reader:

Can you please also post a menu for a week of what you are planning on making with this food? I just see lots of latkes and potato kugel, with some challah on the side.
Fish? Chicken? Beans? Some kind of protein? Veggies and fruit? Pasta? Breakfast?
I’m honestly confused.

This was my shopping list from the past week – I think the point wasn’t clear that I didn’t need to buy anything else since I was stocked with vegetables, fruits, canned goods, and chicken from previous weeks.(You can look back at my shopping lists for the two weeks before this to get a sense of how I shop and what I bought.) It would be mighty slim pickings if I was only going to cook with those items that were purchased this past week!

My menu from last week using these groceries as well as what I had on hand: Sun – smoky chickpea stew (includes chicken); Mon – chicken/white bean/corn succotash; Tues – sweet potato chili (includes chicken); Weds – polenta casserole (chickpeas and polenta, topped with sauteed zucchini and onions and then on top of that a seasoned tomato sauce – I made an additional pan to put in the freezer); Thurs – Chanuka party (menu below); Sun – l – baguettes and hot dogs, d – tuna vegetable sauce and rice.

We made latkes and doughnuts twice on Chanuka, once for our Chanuka party and once a different night.

The Chanuka party menu was cream of zucchini soup, chicken, latkes, applesauce, rice, vegetable salad and doughnuts.

My Shabbos dinner menu was challah, homemade dips (dill, hummus, avocado), chicken soup, roast chicken, roasted sweet potatoes, roasted green beans with red peppers, canned fruit, babka, rugelach.

Shabbos breakfast for the kids – cheerios and milk.

Shabbos lunch – challah, dips, (forgot to serve the baked fish and had it shalosh seudos instead), cold roast chicken, cholent, tomato avocado salad, traffic light pepper salad (three colors of peppers), baked apples, rugelach. Melave malka – rolls, chicken and vegetables.

I put a few meals into the freezer for my husband to take to work of chicken breast with sauteed onions, red peppers and fennel.

Breakfast this week was the same as always – in our house, it’s almost always oatmeal, polenta or eggs. I usually have a big salad with some kind of protein for brunch. Lunch is sometimes sandwiches, sometimes leftovers from dinner, sometimes something completely different.

So no, we weren’t limited to eating just bread and potatoes!

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Tonight I was talking with ds19 about only buying for what you can pay cash for. He said it’s not so easy to do, because when you want something, it’s hard to put it off a day or three until you have the cash for it.

I was reminded of something a good friend of mine said years ago: “I could never live like you do!”

I wasn’t sure what she meant, since we weren’t going without. She explained, “If I want to buy something, I buy it now. I don’t want to have to think about if I have money for it and wait until next week or next month.”

I understand how that could sound limiting to someone. I see it differently. To me, debt is hard, living outside of my means is stressful, worrying about how to pay the bills and not knowing where the money will come from is anxiety provoking. Waiting a bit to buy myself a discretionary item isn’t much of a sacrifice when looking at the options.

To me, it’s freeing to live with clarity about my finances, not sacrifice.

I don’t care if I impress anyone with what I have or what I buy. I don’t care about if I have the latest, greatest, biggest whatever. I don’t mind if I have to wait for another month when there’s more room in the budget for discretionary items. I’ll either buy what I have the money for or I won’t buy it.

Very simple. 🙂

Avivah

Food expenses for week of Nov. 26

This week I was taking care of an errand in the center of town and when I passed a vegetable store, went in to check out their prices. The prices were good enough for me to fill up a shopping cart and I’ll definitely go back.

Frugality lesson 1: keep your eyes open for new shopping sources

While I was there I noticed a box of overripe avocados and was curious if they were being sold for a reduced price. In response, the produce guy asked me if I wanted them and told me he’d load them into my car when I was ready to leave.  That was a nice bonus for a question that took a half a minute to ask!

Frugality lesson 2: don’t be afraid to ask about discounted produce.

I peeled and blended up all the avocados that afternoon, added some lemon juice, olive oil and salt, and froze them in two cup containers. I got sixteen cups of avocado puree from the free avocados. Since earlier this year I bought frozen avocado puree, I knew it would defrost well.

I also made some meals for my husband to take to work. He doesn’t eat grains, so basically his meals are vegetables and protein. He’s not demanding about his food and would be okay with boiled chicken and vegetables every day but he works hard and he deserves to have a nice meal to eat. He didn’t want to add to my work, but I don’t see it like that – to me it’s a chance to send love in a physical form.

This week I made him a stir fry with strips of chicken breast, onions, peppers, mushrooms and fennel; chicken saute (diced chicken breast) with avocado and steamed zucchini with carrots;  roast chicken quarters with a  vegetable medley of roasted mushrooms, zucchini and eggplant.

Here’s my shopping list for this week – this covers three meals a day for 9 of us, with the exception of ds6, who gets lunch at school.

Produce – 233.40:

  • apples, 13.20 kg x 3.80 – 50.08
  • avocados, 2.4 kg x 5.90 – 14.16
  • cabbage, 1.80 x 2.90 – 5.26
  • cabbage, 3.37 x 1.90 – 6.39
  • carrots, 2.6 kg x 2.90 – 7.53
  • clementines, 2.69 kg x 3.90 – 10.47
  • cucumbers, 3.8 kg x 2.90 – 11.02
  • coconuts (2) – 10
  • eggplant, 3.77 kg x 2.90 – 10.98
  • fennel, 2.9 x 4.90 – 14.21
  • kohlrabi, 2.31 x 3.90 – 9.01
  • peppers, orange, 2.50 kg x 3.80 – 9.58
  • peppers, yellow, 2 kg x 3.80 – 7.68
  • persimmons, 2.08 kg x 8.90 – 18.47
  • potatoes, 4.2 kg x 2.80 – 11.73
  • tomatoes, 5 kg x 3.90 – 19.32
  • turnips, 1.10 kg x 3.90 – 4.29
  • zucchini, dk green, 3.085 kg x 4.90 – 15.12
  • zucchini, lt green, 2.06 kg x 3.90 – 8.01

Refrigerator/freezer items – 481.19:

  • cottage cheese, 9% , 200 grams (1) – 5.70
  • cottage cheese, 5%, 375 grams (6) – 36
  • hard cheese, 1 kg (2 x 25) – 50
  • butter, 200 grams (4 x 7.40) – 29.60
  • gluten free rolls ( 4 pkg x 4.90) – 19.60
  • hot dogs 1.6 kg – 29.90
  • milk, 4 liters – 18
  • frozen green beans, 1 kg (2 x 9.90)- 19.80
  • whole chicken, 13.6 kg x 11.90 –  161.84
  • chicken quarters, 5 kg x 14.90 – 74.50
  • chicken breast, 6.10 kg x 19.90 – 121.39

Staples – 244.33:

  • whole oats (750 grams x 6) – 35.40
  • polenta (1 kg x 10.90) – 43.60
  • cornflakes, 1.5 kg (1) – 19.90
  • tomato paste (2 x 6.90) – 13.80
  • rice cakes (1 – 4 pk) – 14.90
  • gluten free flour mix (3 kg) – 10
  • marshmallows (2 x 1.90) – 3.80
  • peanuts – 24.13
  • chocolate – 8.50
  • chocolate – 18
  • dried unsweetened coconut pieces (snack) – 18.40
  • extra virgin olive oil, 750 ml (2 x 21.90) – 43.80

Non-food items – 46.90:

  • garbage bags (2 rolls of 25 bags x 4.90)- 9.80
  • olive oil for lighting menorah, 1 liter – 11.90
  • Chanuka candles, 8 x 1.90 – 15.20
  • dish soap – 10

This week’s total for food comes to 958.92; together with the non-food items it tallies up to 1005.82 shekels. I asked my husband to go out for a couple of items; his additional discretionary purchases pushed my budget beyond the 1000 I wanted to stick to. He said I should write a post about the dangers of sending husbands shopping. 🙂

If you don’t see something on my list, either I didn’t need it or I already have it in my pantry/fridge/freezer. Each week part of my purchases are for food that gets used up that week and food that goes towards stocking up when prices are good.

Avivah