Monthly Archives: June 2021

How my expressive arts class helped me deepen my connection to myself

personal development

I’m not an art person – it’s just not something that I ever explored beyond coloring. No, I’m really not exaggerating when I say that. Crayons, markers and coloring pages are literally the point when my artistic efforts ended.

When I saw a notice about an expressive arts class forming earlier in the year, I thought it sounded interesting. I liked the idea of learning something new. I had no idea that it would become the powerful experience that it’s been.

We’re a small group of six women, with two arts therapists facilitating the group. The two hour session begins with a short relaxation exercise, and then we’re encouraged to seek out the materials that reflect how we’re feeling at that moment. After an hour of creating, each woman writes in her journal, answering the questions provided that are meant to stimulate awareness of the internal process. After that, each woman shares about her work and her answers to the questions with the group.

Since every other woman there has an art background, this was initially an intimidating experience for me. I felt so inadequate – like a preschooler in a college classroom. I had no experience with any of the artistic mediums, and didn’t know how to use the various materials.

When I was seventeen, I learned about perfectionism, realized it was a trait that I had, and recognized that it wasn’t something I wanted to hold onto. For the last thirty years, I’ve consciously been releasing that tendency to want things to be the way that I want them, to let things be enough as they are, and not to compete or compare with others.

This has been a huge part of my personal development and a significant, defining feature of my parenting and what I teach others about parenting. And this tendency was hugely challenged by my participation in this group.

It wasn’t easy for me to sit with myself and quiet the peanut gallery in my own head as I worked – I had such intense feelings of frustration and inadequacy in the beginning. To create and and then have to display my work to others who are much, much more advanced, when I hardly knew how to use the paints or brushes… it was very hard for me to be so bad at something they were all so good at.

But each week something shifted as I painted or drew, as I focused on how I was feeling and my only goal was to capture that. It stopped mattering to me if anyone else thought it looked good or not, and it stopped mattering to me if it looked good or not. Instead, I found that I was enjoying the process of putting my feelings onto the paper in art form as it helped me get in touch with subtle emotions.

This painting reflected the external turbulence of the recent war period, the quiet peacefulness found inside, and Hashem’s constant presence.

For example, when my son was dating, almost all of the suggestions were of young women from very mainstream homes, which in many ways was perfect for him. A quality that our family has, and that I’ve seen in every one of my children’s spouses, is an interest in others, an openmindedness and ability to think for oneself. In the case of the suggestions being made, I had hesitations about agreeing to most of them because I didn’t see this quality. I wasn’t sure if I was imposing my preferences or if it was something important for him, albeit something he wasn’t consciously looking for. In this painting, I explored my feelings about that – every color, every stroke, every shape has meaning and is representative of something significant.

Several times in the early weeks of the group I shared my feelings of inadequacy and self-consciousness with the group leader, and she told me that I had an advantage over the other women, precisely because I had no art background. I couldn’t understand what she meant, and thought she was trying to make me feel good.

Several months in, I head another woman expressing frustration that the limited time allotted didn’t allow her to create something satisfactory. I shared with her my experience of creating just for the pleasure of it, for the expression of it – and her response showed me the challenge for someone who knows so much being able to let go and enjoy the expressive process.

She couldn’t release her expectation of herself and what her art should look like. And I realized that not only could I do that in the art class, but it extended into a different area when faced with something similarly new and intimidating – I just did it, didn’t worry what anyone else was thinking, and enjoyed it.

It’s been really interesting to ask myself, how do I feel today and what medium do I want to use to express that? What colors, what textures, what movement reflects that?

It’s been surprising for me as someone with a high level of self-awareness, that using art as a medium deepened my connection with my own emotions. I can really see how powerful it can be to use art as a therapeutic tool, having experienced some benefits even in a non-therapeutic setting.

Avivah

Our son is engaged!

parenting

We are so happy and grateful to share that our son (ds22) is engaged!

We are once again humbled and delighted to see how Hashem has sent the perfect match for our child!

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Isn’t this a nice thing to share about on my 29th wedding anniversary?

When my son began shidduchim, I was reminded of how the shidduch process forces you to clarify your values. My role as the parent is to facilitate my child meeting the person who is right for him, and in order to do this, I spent a lot of time speaking with him (and previously each of my children in turn), clarifying what he was looking for, what qualities were important to him and what life direction he wanted to move in.

What kind of qualities did he appreciate in his friends, and why? Who does he feel comfortable with and why? What qualities does he think are important and why? This wasn’t one long conversation, but an ongoing conversation over a period of several months.

Going out with people who weren’t a match was an important part of the clarification process, as it helped him to hone in on what he was – and wasn’t – looking for. I reminded him several times during that time of the value of contrast (the difference between what you have and what you want) – it’s contrast that helps you define more clearly what you want, and helps you to move toward what you desire.

The description of the person he wanted to marry changed substantially right before meeting his fiancee. When I first heard about her almost three months ago, I thought her combination of qualities sounded right for him, but he hadn’t yet clarified that certain qualities that I thought were very important (that she had) were of primary importance to him.

He wasn’t the only one who had to get clarity before they could meet – I did, too, on a point that was a significant question for me. I’m sure her family went through the same process. I think that’s how it always is – for the parents and child, constantly getting increasing clarity of what you’re looking for and what you want to give priority to.

Every shidduch happens at the time that it’s meant to happen. I don’t believe there are delays, but rather, heavenly directed timing, when everyone is aligned and on the same page.

And here we are, blessed to be welcoming another wonderful, amazing person into our family!

Avivah

Intrinsic motivation and my thirteen year old son, the shochet!

homeschooling, parenting, personal development

Quite some time ago, ds13 decided he wanted to learn shechita, and made arrangements independently to study the related halachos (Biblical guidelines and laws) with a local shochet (ritual slaughterer). Once learned, they have to be reviewed thoroughly every thirty days.

Over the past months, he has assisted in processing a number of animals – chickens, ducks, goats, sheep, and even cows. But he had yet to perform the shechita himself.

A month ago, he came home and told me someone was selling a turkey for just 150 shekels, and asked if I was interested in buying it? No, I absolutely did not want a turkey walking around our yard and told him so. “No, not to raise – for me to shecht!” The shochet he learned with him determined that he was ready to do the shechita (kosher slaughtering) himself.

The process went very smoothly – the shochet told me it’s rare for a first shechita to go so well, and that it’s been a pleasure to learn with ds13, due to his diligence and how seriously he’s taken his studies.

It was very gratifying for all of us to see the tangible results of his months of study! Ds13 plucked it, cleaned it and kashered it himself, and we saved it to enjoy together with dd24 and her husband when they were here for the weekend.

A couple of days ago someone came by and said there were a couple of ducks he was having shechted, and my thirteen year old could watch if he wanted.

I went over just as they finished up, and found out that my son hadn’t watched but actually performed the shechita on both of them! (Under the supervision of the shochet that he studied with, obviously.) He learned firsthand why ducks are considered one of the more difficult animals to shecht. One of the two was kosher, one wasn’t, and the person who the ducks belonged to insisted ds13 take half of the meat.

It was a mallard duck and small to begin with, so half of it wasn’t a huge meal, but nonetheless, this week we had roast duck on the menu. 🙂

My husband and I have great satisfaction in observing the emergent developmental process – in this case, watching ds13 develop and pursue an interest. No degree of external manipulation or incentivization can get the results that come from intrinsic motivation. (Our foster care social worker, who visits monthly, is very appreciative of ds13 and his activities, though she said she finds it discouraging to see the contrast with her own son, who is lacking any visible signs of emergence. I’ve spoken to her about supporting the natural developmental process, too!)

Some people have said it’s good he has a skill that could potentially be a career – that’s true and it’s always good to have options, but I wouldn’t want him to do this for a living. I value it greatly as a life skill, however.

For me, the biggest value is a person learning to listen to his own inner guidance and move towards that. This is way of thinking that could dramatically enhance the life satisfaction of every one of us, but far too many of us adults, under the guise of being responsible, have lost the ability to recognize and respond to the inner promptings of their souls. And what are we here for, if not to live lives of meaning and satisfaction?

Avivah

Creating personal space for young children – our DIY clubhouse

frugal strategies, parenting

A few months ago my next door neighbors built a clubhouse, and it was hardly completed before ds8 began regularly disappearing into their yard. Usually when he would go to their house, it would be to play with their children, but when I would search for him, each time I would find him sitting or laying inside their clubhouse, happy to be in this private space on his own or with ds4.

It was clear to me that he really wanted some space of his own. Don’t we all sometimes want that freedom of just being, without oversight or needing to be accountable for our time?

I had been thinking for a while of building a clubhouse for ds8 and ds4, but seeing this galvanized me to take action.

A business in the industrial zone of a neighboring city advertised that they were giving away large wood crates. They listed their address and asked not to be called, to just come. So one night when my husband was on his way home from Jerusalem with ds22, I asked them to stop before coming home and see if any of the crates were still left. There were three left, so they chose the one that looked best. Using the rachet straps stored in the car, together the two of them got in on top of the car and fastened down – it was an unwieldy load!

The packing crate, before – you can see the outdoor couch next to it for size reference.

Several times I had asked a couple of our teens to build some kind of clubhouse using some of the scrap wood left from their projects, but they weren’t very interested. I didn’t see any reason to insist on it, and it didn’t happen. But once I had this basic crate to work with, it was much easier to get them involved.

I asked ds13 to cut a door and window into it. The wood isn’t strong at all – it’s a basic cheap packing box that isn’t intended to hold up to long term use – so he reinforced both the door and window. After that, he put a waterproof roof on it, using material from a cage we were given but hadn’t ended up using.

Dd15 painted it blue, using leftover paint, and then ds12 painted the trim white – his idea, not mine. It made it look much nicer. Then one of the boys cut some artificial grass to fit on the floor, and voila, a clubhouse!

Ds8 and ds4 were delighted when they came outside and saw this mini house, all for them to play in. They’ve spent hours playing inside together; our granddaughters and visiting young children have also enjoyed it. And once we built this, they never went into the neighbor’s playhouse again.

(As an aside, this is not an uncommon dynamic when a child seems to be misbehaving – in this case leaving our home without permission and going into someone else’s yard without permission. If we can identify the need they are expressing and address that need, then the behavior will often fall away completely, since there’s no longer a need for the behavior.)

When I told a friend about this project, she sent me a paragraph from a Betsy-Tacy book, when the author of the fictional series writes about the young girls finding a piano box and making it into a play space. There’s something about having a space of one’s own that is significant for people of all ages. It might be going too far to call it a primal need, but it’s not too much to say that it’s deeply appreciated.

Ds12 has been asking for a space of his own for a while, and we haven’t yet figured out how to make that happen – he shares a room with ds4 and ds8. There’s a staircase on one side of our kitchen that leads to the second floor, and back in the fall when we were putting in the new kitchen, he asked me if he could put a narrow mattress in that space under the stairs and it would be his room. Yes, ala Harry Potter, but in this case he felt it would be very desirable. He wasn’t happy when I told him I planned to use that space for kitchen storage.

t’s a simple playhouse and due to the quality of the wood, I don’t know how it will hold up once the rainy season comes. But we literally spent no money and not more than a couple of hours putting this together, using recycled materials we had at home. As long as it lasts, I appreciate the enjoyment they’ve been having in this space of their own.

Avivah

Dehydrating mushrooms in the sun

dehydrating

Yesterday someone dropped by and brought along a couple of small baskets of mushrooms. He said they were being given away, and because the location they were given out was outdoors, they were going to spoil quickly.

I headed over and got lots of mushrooms in perfect condition, and decided to maximize the bounty by dehydrating them to use at a later time. However, a piece on my dehydrator burnt out a few months ago, so it’s now a bulky plastic box that isn’t of much use. I had been thinking of building a screen covered kind of box about the size of the dehydrator, that I could slide the dehydrator trays into and use outside. But that hasn’t happened so I had to improvise if I wanted to take advantage of this opportunity!

In any case, I live in a hot, dry climate, so doesn’t it seem like a waste to use a machine to mimic what nature is doing all day long for free?

I sliced up several of the baskets of mushrooms, then put them back in the baskets and set them out in the sun. Meanwhile, I thought about how to dry the rest of them. Maybe, I mused, I could thread the whole mushrooms with fine fishing line and string them up in the sun.

This morning I thought of an obvious solution. I set up a folding table in the sun, then put the cartons the baskets of mushrooms came in, upside down on top of the table. Then I put the mushrooms on top of the cartons (so there would be air flow underneath) in the original baskets they came in.

Dehydrating mushrooms

You can see the sliced mushrooms in the front are dehydrating very nicely (they had a head start over the whole mushrooms). I went out after a few hours to check on them, and realized if I put the cartons right side up and put all the whole mushrooms inside, they would dry even more quickly and it would eliminate the need to rotate them. This was a good option once they were dry to the touch.

I’m very optimistic about this! If this works well, it was quick and easy to set up and because it’s so hot, there’s not a single fly or insect anywhere near them! (I will cover them with a screen if I see any flies.) I’m hoping they’ll all being completely dried by the time the sun goes down tonight, and also hoping to experiment further with solar dehydration over the summer.

Edited to add: the sliced mushrooms were finished in a day; the whole mushrooms were almost finished in two days but I put them out for one more day to make sure there wasn’t any moisture that could lead to molding once I stored them. Here’s what it all looked like once it was done:

The sliced mushrooms are in the container on the front right; the other two containers are filled with whole dried mushrooms, which can be used whole or cut up when cooking. As you can see, they shrink down quite a bit and don’t take much space to store.

I did keep one case of mushrooms to use fresh for Shabbos! The last time I made marinated mushrooms they were a big hit.

Avivah