It’s really interesting for me to be in the middle of the management meetings for two very different foster care placements.

The reasons that ds6 and the twins came into foster care were very different, and legally that has ramifications for how their cases are handled, as I’m seeing with the committee meetings for each of them taking place one day after another. The twins’ case is considered complex so there are extra voices involved in what happens with them.

The social worker called at the end of last week to review the details of the meeting and give me my new ‘to do’ list.

The meeting began with her report, in which she shared how the twins were when they came, and how they’re doing now. She gave a number of specific examples of improvements of what their behaviors were and what they are now. All markers of well-being are improved, some dramatically so.

If you expected the committee to be relieved or even pleased to hear the children have had a good transition and are thriving – they’re not.

Her report was challenged. Two people in attendance said it can’t be that so much change would be possible in this time period. Bad behaviors can’t just disappear. Their explanation? The behaviors must be happening and either I’m not seeing it, or I’m seeing it and not reporting it. The social worker told them that’s not likely being that we supervise them so closely around the clock, and told them to come and meet us and see the kids to see for themselves.

Then there were a couple of things they’re unhappy about:

–I didn’t yet have a meeting with the parenting instructor, and they want that person to come and see the children in person. This is the first time I was hearing that she needs to see them; that was never part of the conversation before. I don’t mind, though. Whoever wants can come and see them.

I told them previously I was willing to set up a meeting and they said the therapist would be in touch with me. She called yesterday morning, and my husband and I had a meeting with her last night.

–The children are sleeping in the same room. When I originally was asked about taking the children, I asked if they could sleep in the same room and was told they could. If I had been told they needed rooms of their own, that would have been a deal breaker for me and I wouldn’t have been able to agree to have them. Right before they came, there was a sudden demand that they be split up and given different rooms. I told my social worker I couldn’t accommodate that, and she said we could put it to the side.

Well, someone on the committee is furious and my social worker has said they’re willing to pull the kids from us and send them to separate homes rather than leave them in the same room.

Whether I like or agree with it or not, I’m not going to play with the lives of the twins; that’s for the committee members to do. So at this point I have to find a way to accommodate them.

Since I don’t have extra bedrooms available, the only possible option is to put ds5 in the same room as ds11 and ds6, and give dd5 her own room. I couldn’t have done this before knowing the children, because I wouldn’t have put our boys at risk by having them share a room with a child with unknown behavior. Now that the twins have been here for eleven weeks, safety is no longer a concern.

I switched the sleeping arrangements that same day my social worker called even though it’s better for all of the children involved to leave the sleeping arrangements as they are. People who don’t know the children are making these decisions based on concerns that aren’t relevant and that’s frustrating for me.

Sharing a room has been very comforting for the twins. They came unable to get along with one another and the previous dynamic between them puzzled me, because it was so much the opposite of what I would have anticipated in a scenario like theirs.

Whatever their relationship was, we’re constantly guiding them in how to interact appropriately, and now they get along well, look out for each other, and enjoy spending time together. Dd5 does not want to sleep in a room by herself; she gets scared and lonely when she’s alone and when I told her she’s going to have her teddy bear with her, that was scant consolation. It’s been a few nights now and she keeps asking me why she has to sleep alone.

As far as moving ds5 into the boys’ room, I had a few reasons I preferred he not be there.

Until now the boys’ room was their sanctuary where they could go when they wanted to play together without the twins, without anyone touching their things. They could close the door and no one could come in without their permission. This personal space was important for them; I wanted them to know that their space, their toys, and their relationship with one another didn’t have to be shared.

Now that ds5 is in that room, it’s hard for everyone involved to have any privacy. Ds5 doesn’t have a good sense of boundaries or an internal sense of what appropriate usage of items is. He touches everything and needs very close guidance as to what can be used and how it can be used.

Previously he had a room that was his, he knew it was his stuff and he could touch whatever he wanted. Not only that, he could tell others to stay out if he wanted – they had to honor his boundaries, just like he had to honor their boundaries if they didn’t want him to come into their room. All of that was very good and healthy.

Now he’s in a room with things that are mostly off limits to him, that are special to ds11 and ds6. It’s already created so many conflicts…Ds6 is really struggling emotionally, whereas until this bedroom switch he was doing great. The social worker was amazed by his ability to sincerely welcome and include the twins, without feeling his place had been stolen.

We’ve focused from the time they’ve come on giving him tons of time and attention, and he’s felt secure with them being here. Until now. In the last few days he’s been crying often, getting hurt and insulted over very little things, getting upset at the twins for little things, constantly snatching his toys way and telling them not to touch them, and is generally unhappy. This is a child with a very sunny and easygoing nature. It hurts me to see him struggling. We’re doing our best to support everyone’s adjustment and hopefully soon they’ll all get used to it.

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A positive development that came up was that both twins will be placed in a new gan safa (kindergarten with extra supports) that will be opening in Yavneel. I’ve been trying and trying to find schools for them for the coming year and had no luck, so on one hand I’m relieved.

On the other hand, I don’t want them both in the same small class because it isn’t healthy for them – they need their time apart to develop their own relationships and this will push dd5 into a caregiving role for ds5 for the hours they are at school.

The concern of the two of them being in the same class was also discussed at the meeting. The brilliant committee minds found a perfect solution: since dd5 is on a higher level, they decided she can stay in this kindergarten for a few months, then be moved to a regular kindergarten without any supports.

I don’t want to say more than that’s not a plan that will be positive for her. But I’m continuing to trust that it will all work out for the best. Dealing with these committees is very good practice in emotionally letting go.

(Update: Immediately after publishing this, I got an update from the social worker that there’s another change happening now – since dd5 is the only girl out of nine children registered for this kindergarten, they’re going to place her in a regular kindergarten instead. The twins won’t be together, which is really good, and she won’t have to make a switch in the middle of the year, which is also good, but she will be in a large class without the supports that she is supposed to have.)

In response to the question previously asked in the comment section: are the social workers pleased with how well the twins are doing?

At this meeting, it doesn’t seem any appreciation for or positivity about their progress was noted and instead they are skeptical that they could be doing so well because they ‘know’ these kids are difficult.

Time will do its work. Right now there’s a lot of oversight because it’s a new placement and the committee members have a lot of concerns based on the past. Hopefully as things fall into place and they see that we’re working with them, they’ll become more relaxed, and future committee meetings will be more positive.

Avivah

This week I attended my first foster care committee meeting for ds6. These are supposed to take place yearly with representatives from social services, the foster care agency and the birth parents.

Somehow his case has fallen through the cracks and I learned only after the meeting concluded that there haven’t been any meetings regarding him for years. I didn’t know about this since I’m usually not expected to attend, and wouldn’t be notified. (In fact, the yearly meeting for the twins was held the day before this meeting, and I only found out about it because I happened to call our social worker and she mentioned she was in a different city waiting for it to begin.)

About sixteen months ago, ds6’s Israeli medical insurance was dropped; his file was sealed and unable to be accessed. When trying to figure out what was going on, I learned that the National Insurance blocked his account and it was related to his bio parents not being citizens. This issue can only be remedied by them getting him a passport of their nationality and then applying for a visa. I spoke to them about it last June; for whatever reason, it has yet to happen.

It’s been a major concern for us that ds6 hasn’t had medical insurance for so long, and a major frustration that no action has been taken to resolve the issue. By leaving this unresolved for so long, it feels like there’s no concern for him or us.

Discussing this topic and getting a commitment to get his legal paperwork in order was the first priority for this meeting.

The second was the issue of visitation. Before ds6 was placed with us, we met with his bio parents privately. At that time, they said they would be interested in coming as often as every week, but not less often than every month. I told them we welcomed their visits as often as they wanted to come. They came once a week for the first two weeks, then came to our oldest son’s wedding a couple of months later.

When we were at our oldest son’s chupa, they took him from the babysitter to spend time with him. If I had been asked I would have been fine with them spending time with him, but wasn’t comfortable that it was done without asking me, without me knowing or seeing, not even mentioning it afterward. That was the last ‘visit’ until he was almost three.

At that point, we requested a meeting with them to discuss our desire to adopt ds6. They came to Beit Shemesh, where we were living at the time, and after a long discussion said they weren’t willing to consider it. Afterward, they asked if they could see ds. We weren’t expecting that, but agreed so we all drove to our home.

First they sat with him in our garden, where they said they were uncomfortable because of the sun. Then they sat on our porch where they were uncomfortable for another reason. They really wanted to take him somewhere by themselves, so I said they could take him to the park down the street, which was a familiar place for him. Ten minutes later, they were back knocking on our door, telling me he started crying as soon as he realized I wasn’t there.

That ten minute visit took place almost four years ago, and they haven’t seen him since.

The more I’ve learned about adoption and foster care issues of attachment and abandonment, the more important I think it is for ds6 to have a relationship with them. Though in the early years I didn’t mind not having them involved if that was what they chose, I’ve increasingly come to believe that it’s better for him to know his bio parents if at all possible.

As such, I’ve made a strong request for regular visitation from them – whatever regular would mean to them – once a year would be fine if that’s all they could commit to.

Visitation was thus the second issue of discussion at the meeting.

When asked questions about their visitations, they were evasive until when pressed, finally said it had been years since they saw ds6. When asked why they didn’t visit, the bio mother said she doesn’t come because she feels like I don’t want her there.

Whenever I’ve asked about visitation with the father in direct phone conversations, he’s told me it’s too emotional for his wife and she doesn’t want to see him, so I understood there was an emotional component that made it too painful for her.

I was very taken aback to be blamed for their absence in the life of ds6 – I wish I would have been able to maintain a poker face when hearing this. That response and some others I was uncomfortable with have given me a lot to reflect on.

The head social worker then brought up adoption, telling them if they have no intention of taking ds6 back, then they should let us adopt him so he can have the security of being a legal part of our family. I had asked my social worker not to pursue the adoption conversation at this time, wanting to stick to the two above issues, and wasn’t happy when it was raised. But after thinking beyond my discomfort, it was good that it came up again and it’s part of the official record now.

The follow up meeting was scheduled for six months from now, rather than the common yearly spacing. They explained to me afterward that they wanted to put out the idea of adoption to give the bio parents time to consider it, and scheduled the meeting for six months out in order to pursue that conversation.

His bio parents told us from the beginning that their intention was to place him with us for the long term. We’ve wanted to adopt him for a very, very long time. Everyone in our family sees him as a family member the same as anyone born into the family; the foster care status is just a technicality to us.

The only reason that he hasn’t been adopted has been their refusal. Out of respect for them, we haven’t been willing to force the issue though the law would support our position if we did. Another mother in a similar situation who recently adopted told me to push for the termination of parental rights, but I told her the court can make that decision and I’m not going to push that agenda.

I was frustrated at the conclusion of the meeting that nothing definitive had been agreed upon regarding visitation – they said they’d rather not visit and don’t see the need for it, and it was left like that. The social workers told me bio parents can’t be forced to visit their child. I suppose that’s true, but I’ve never met another foster family in the situation of the bio parents never coming to visit.

It was a three and a half hour trip to get there, so I was physically tired before I walked in the door, but I was emotionally exhausted and frustrated after participating. My social worker said it was a very important meeting and that it was important that I was there. We’ll see in another six months what happens.

Avivah

A couple of weeks ago I attended five end-of-the-year parties in a ten day period – four for our children, and one for a granddaughter. It was especially busy since all of the parties were in cities an hour drive away, except for our granddaughter, who is in Jerusalem. (I went to see our new granddaughter for the first time and then went to the party afterward).

Our first eleven children were born in ten different months; the exception is two birthdays in July. The summer is our busiest time for family birthdays, and with the twins’ birthday coming up in a month, it’s getting even busier.

I moved directly from being busy with end-of-year parties to being busy with birthday parties for the younger children. Ds11 celebrated his birthday in school a week ago and this Shabbos we’ll do his birthday circle. The twins will be on vacation when it’s their birthday, and since I think it’s important for them to celebrate with their current friends and teachers, I arranged with each of their teachers to have their class parties in the next few days.

Along with parties comes baking birthday cakes. I made ds11 a double layer cake with frosting and intended to do something similar for the twins. My oldest daughter lives locally and invited ds11 over yesterday for special time to bake a birthday cake together with her. I asked her if she could triple the recipe and make three cakes, and she agreed.

However, instead she made three completely different cakes. This morning when I showed ds5 his bulldozer cake, he was so excited! His face was shining.

Dd5 is asking about her cake (it’s still at my daughter’s house for finishing touches); she asked repeatedly for Hello Kitty which I have no idea how to make and wouldn’t have done, but my daughter did. I want it to be a surprise when she sees it so I’m not mentioning anything.

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Two months have passed since the twins joined our family, and it’s remarkable how much more normal it feels to have them with us.

In every new situation, beginnings are difficult, and our first weeks were challenging and exhausting, as I’ve shared. As time has gone by, my husband and I agreed that it no longer feels as hard having them.

The twins are SO much more relaxed and calm.

A few days ago, ds5 was overtired and when I took him to a room for some quiet time, he spent over an hour and a half screaming, flailing his entire body, kicking the bed he was on and punching the wall repeatedly before falling asleep in exhaustion (I stayed next to him the entire time). It was a good reminder of how far he’s come – in the beginning this happened at least once a day, but it’s been weeks since this has happened. When he’s tired, it’s usually very manageable with some hugs and extra attention.

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Dd5 slipped and hit her head hard a couple of days ago. She was just calming down when the social worker arrived. At that point, she switched to fake crying (it was obvious to the social worker, too) and continued for the next hour and forty five minute visit, sitting on my lap the entire time. Just as the social worker left, she began vomiting from crying so long and fell asleep.

She’s never cried this long before, though she used to fake cry a lot about a lot of things. When she first arrived, I noticed that she got hurt often and every little scratch was a topic of conversation for days. I inferred that something about getting hurt brought her the attention she sought in the past.

Her response to getting hurt has shifted a lot. She no longer talks all the time about all the things that hurt her and how it happened. She comes to me if she falls or gets hurt in some other way, and after some empathy, generally moves on to the next thing.

Dd5 used to seek contact non-stop and now that’s also dramatically improved. She used to need to touch me and talk to me all day long; even if I was napping, she would insistently wake me up to get that contact. I give a lot of hugs and squeezes throughout the day, and especially before bed. Now when I’m resting, she looks into my room and seeing me is enough for her to run off and continue her activities, even if my eyes are closed and I don’t look at her.

It wasn’t only me that she sought so much contact with, but everyone in her radius. Her indiscriminate seeking of connection was my biggest concern for her, as it would make her a target for predators.

This behavior was a significant factor in my consideration to bring the twins into our family – we were originally approached because they had a potential family for dd5 in our area and wanted to know if we would take ds5 so the twins could stay in the same area. When I heard the family willing to take her had an older foster son with challenging behaviors, I felt alarmed thinking of of a young girl with disordered attachment in that scenario.

A family member was here weeks ago and expressed concern about the seeking behavior she witnessed. I reassured her we understood it and were addressing it. She came to visit last week and commented how big a change there’s been and that she no longer sees anything out of the norm.

As things have settled down, as we’ve all gotten used to one another and established a daily and weekly flow, we’ve seen so many positive shifts in so many ways, much more than what I’ve shared about here. I no longer feel we’re constantly dealing with trauma responses but rather have shifted into mostly typical kid behavior.

Parenting the twins (and all of our children) isn’t effortless by any means. But emotionally it no longer feels like constant work. Attachment is the glue that smooths the hard places in relationships; with attachment comes good intentions, the desire to please and the willingness to overlook missteps (on both the side of the parent and child), all of which go very far in creating a positive environment. We love them and they love us, and that attachment is working well for all of us.

Avivah

>> I don’t know much about foster care but it seems like you need to be qualified for such work.  Is there training or it’s just people who really care about the children? <<

While there’s a process to qualify to become a foster parent, it’s more about them investigating you than teaching you about what’s involved and how to deal with the issues that will arise.

While in the US there are trainings for foster parents, here in Israel it’s very unfortunate for the children and for foster parents that there is almost no training nor support groups in my part of the country at this time. I don’t know if it’s different in other areas.

I did a two day mandatory training about nine months after ds6 came to us, but that was a one time event. I found it helpful for understanding a bit of the perspective of a child coming into foster care, but it came up short for how to deal with issues that arise.

Basically you learn in the training that you can’t punish, yell, get upset, threaten, hit, etc. So what do you do? Our past social worker was the trainer for the two day event, and when we had our final meeting before we moved, told me how much she learned from me. I think that’s because the majority of social workers may be able to talk about how to parent kids without punishments and threats, but they don’t have hands-on experience doing it – even those who train foster parents. But I’ve been parenting like this for a long time.

People are hopefully well-intended when they become foster parents, but without understanding the needs of the children and how to address them, they may be operating under a romantic vision of rescuing a child and that rainbow colored picture often doesn’t give enough stamina to cope day to day. I don’t believe in the white knight savior fantasy; if you build yourself up with thoughts of how amazing you are, you’re going to fall down that much faster and become very disillusioned.

I hope I’m not sounding negative because that’s really not my intention. It’s just so critical that people understand and be prepared for the reality, or it can have tragic results.

When I spoke with the twins’ temporary foster mother last week, she shared that she had two foster children who were placed with what was intended to be a long term family. Several months later, not being able to deal with the kids, they returned them. Children aren’t parcels to be sent here and there; this can and does cause lasting emotional damage to them.

I’m guessing the family was expecting the rose colored vision and were unprepared for the reality. If they had appropriate guidance, they might have recognized before committing to give the children a home, that it was too much for them. Or they may have gotten the help they needed to effectively address the challenges that came up, and been able to build a healthy family together.

Please don’t think I’m implying that children in foster care aren’t awesome human beings! They are kids whose families have failed them. There are different ways that can manifest, but for healing to occur, they need specific ways of parenting. Even if healing isn’t a goal, sloppy parenting will show its limitations very quickly and get in the way of a functional family life. Even worse, it can cause more damage to the children.

Some people have an intuitive understanding of what kids from hard places may be feeling, and can easily find compassion to address their needs appropriately. Most of us, though, get frustrated and confused about how to deal with issues without our own egos getting in the way, and we benefit from guidance and direction.

I’ve just been notified that due to the complexity of the twins’ situation, I’m going to be the recipient of parenting sessions. I suggested that it would have been appropriate for them to offer these sessions before and right after the twins arrived for us to be prepared, rather than wait three months after their arrival. They responded that they didn’t know what the children were like so sessions wouldn’t have helped, which made no sense to me, since they still haven’t met met the children, they’re not going to meet the children, and will continue to have no idea what they’re like beyond what I tell them. You don’t have to know the children to teach principles of trauma informed parenting. Fortunately I did my own research and study.

Though I’m always interested in learning more, these sessions involve weekly appointments over 45 minutes away in each direction, beginning during summer vacation when I have no one to watch the kids when I’m gone. We may be able to do the first one in person and continue on Zoom if traveling is too difficult, but right now these feel more like a burden than a help, and I can’t commit to even a first time meeting once the kids are home. I’ve requested a deferral of the parenting sessions until the school year begins and the kids are all back in school, and now have an appointment for the middle of September.

Another foster mother told me these sessions were helpful for her to deal with her biological children’s difficulties that came up when her foster son came to live with them, but did nothing to help her with his behaviors. I feel pretty comfortable dealing with our biological children as well as the twins, and right now my cost – benefit analysis of the offer comes out to it being more of a stress than a help.

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>>I’m curious if the social workers have commented on the tremendous growth you’re seeing.<<

Our social worker took the twins onto her caseload when they moved here, so she had no previous experience with them until then. All she knows about them is what is written into their paperwork and what was discussed in the group meetings I had with social workers, which wasn’t encouraging. Once they moved, their previous social worker no longer has contact with them – she’s the one who would really notice the changes.

However, our social worker is the one who needs to document their behaviors and she’s been very positive. The most problematic behavior that used to be seen daily has never happened since they came here, and there have been noticeable improvements in every area. She is convinced the changes are because of how we interact with them.

Today I gave the mother of one of ds11’s classmates a ride. We originally met in Beit Shemesh, when she gave birth to a child with T21, then fostered another a short time later – our younger boys were in classes adjacent to one another. Fast forward to now, we’re both living in northern Israel and our older boys are classmates.

She switched to the same foster care agency as me, and we now have the same social worker. She told me our social worker can’t say enough good about our family, that she’s so impressed. She told her she almost cries when she visits us and sees how the twins are doing. (Our social worker originally didn’t mention us by name, but this woman figured out who she was referring to, based on knowing us and me having mentioned to her right after we got the initial call that we were considering taking two children.) What you hear second hand isn’t always positive, so this was very nice feedback to hear!

While it’s good that the social workers are impressed or happy or relieved about how well the twins are doing, what I care about much more is how the twins feel about being here. Tonight I was doing bedtime when ds5 put his arms around my neck, looked me in the eyes, said, “I love you,” and kissed me on the cheek. While dd5 rattles off ‘I love yous’ more casually, he keeps his feelings to himself much more and when he said this, I could sense how deeply he felt it.

The successes can be subtle- my daughter from Jerusalem was visiting for a few hours today. She came for Shabbos a couple of weeks after the twins arrived, and found it overstimulating and overwhelming. Today she commented on how much calmer they are. It’s a very nice difference. While that may seem like a small thing, it’s only when a child feels safe that they can release some of the endless seeking and need for constant reassurance.

Avivah