Recently we had our final meeting with our foster care social worker. She was the one who did our intake application and interviews, she was there when the transfer was made from the birth parents to us, and she’s come monthly for the last three and a half years for home visits.
Now that we’ve moved to a different part of the country, our file will be moved to a different organization that has jurisdiction locally. Hence the goodbye.
We took care of the formalities, and then she told me how much she appreciated working with us. She said,”Even though there have been times we’ve had strong disagreements (yes, when I found myself facing policies that I believed were harmful for my child!), I appreciate that you’ve always been willing to listen to me and consider my view, and that we’ve been able to talk about it.
She continued: “On a personal note, I have a lot to learn from you as a mother. Leadership Parenting, that’s what your approach is, right? I see that all the time, in the way you say ‘yes’ to your children and how you say ‘no’, really I see it in many different things you do. I can learn a lot from you.”
Coming from someone who has been in my house regularly for years and has seen a lot of situations, her feedback was significant and appreciated.
Then there was two days later, when I was so, so, so frustrated with my seven year old and responded very disappointingly. I can’t even remember now what triggered it – it wasn’t something major – it was facing the kind of thing that I deal with every day.
A few months ago I went to a workshop on setting boundaries for kids with special needs. The workshop leader was excellent, but I felt very bothered listening and at the end I spoke up. “I’ve been using all these techniques for years – I’ve raised all my children like this. And it’s important to be clear that this approach doesn’t make it easy to parent a child with special needs – sometimes it just makes it possible to cope. Because I use these all day, every day, and sometimes it is just really hard. I think it’s important to be clear that if it’s hard doesn’t mean someone is doing something wrong.”
Yirmi (who is an awesome kid who happens to have Trisomy 21) will be eight in a week. When I think of that birthday I have to take some deep breaths and remind myself to let go of my idea of when things should happen, and also remind myself that as a parent, I’m enough.
I think that many (all??) parents struggle with these split emotions of sometimes doing great as a parent, and then falling on your face and feeling like a complete failure – sometimes within minutes. And you know what? There’s no contradiction to being a fantastic parent a lot of the time and struggling mightily at other times.
It’s the reality of parenting.
When I’m feeling discouraged and inadequate as a parent, I remind myself that I’m doing my best in every moment. We all are. Sometimes my best looks impressive and sometimes it really doesn’t look good at all, but with the good and with the not so good…..I’m enough.
Avivah
