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Last week I traveled to Jerusalem to spend time with one of my very closest friends who was here for a short visit. And I was struck once again at the power of friendship.
When I was in the US, I didn’t value my friendships enough – as the saying goes, you don’t know the value of something until you don’t have it. I took for granted the easy access and frequent chats and support of my friends. But then I moved overseas and all of that disappeared. And what I had instead was a big blank space.
I think this is something really hard about making aliyah. No one knows you when you move to a new country. Hopefully you move to a place where people start to see who you are and appreciate you sooner or later but it’s also possible you’re living in a place that isn’t a good fit for you and what you bring to the table isn’t recognized. I’ve been fortunate to have been seen as someone with a lot to offer in the other communities I’ve lived in, and living in Karmiel has been a different experience for me. But until I spoke with her I didn’t realize how subtly but steadily not being valued communally has worn away at me and affected my vision of myself.
I’m so grateful for a friendship that is nurturing and affirming, for a friend who doesn’t let me forget who I am or what I bring to this world. It’s amazing to have someone who knows every part of you – the good, the bad and the ugly – and can with total belief and sincerity encourage you to step into life with the fullest expression of yourself. I didn’t realize how much I wasn’t doing that until we spoke, and I’m making a commitment to myself to more consciously move towards that. And since I know lots of you reading are also living too small for yourselves, I’ll be sharing my baby steps with you.
Avivah
In most of our friendships there is some sort of PR effort going on both sites. We have to moderate which parts of ourselves we show and how often and to what extent.
As more trust, honesty and acceptance develops, there is less need for this “performance.” In a rare friendship, it can be done away with entirely, and a person can simply be…
Anyone who has experienced that is blessed with one of the most incredible earthly gifts in this world. That is a friendship that can change your life.
On a practical note, I just want to say that I made aliya 13 years ago and for the first 12 years, my best friend and I did not maintain regular contact. We did speak or meet occasionally and we were always there for each other when needed. But daily life was lived without each other.
This year that changed when my friend suggested we speak on skype every day, 5 days a week, for 15 mins. This has made a tremendous positive difference to my every day, and hers too.
Maybe you two can find a way to make that special love a part of your daily life?
You’re so right about the effort we put into presenting ourselves favorably to others. To be loved and accepted as you are is a special gift.
I love your suggestions about a regular skype date, thank you!
Wow-you have put into words the very thing that I know is missing for me. It is funny before I moved to Israel a friend a bit older than me told me that it is very hard to make good friends after 40. I kind of blew off the comment at the time, but I think she actually knew what she was talking about. It probably has mostly to do with the fact that many women make friends with the other gan or nursery moms. I know that this is how some of my closest friends came to me in the States. I also think that once one is a little older you can also reunite with a good friend that for whatever reason you took a break from. When we move far away and to a different culture we lose these possibilities. Now what to do it about it-well I do think over time friendships will develop once again and I see it a bit recently, but I can’t help but feel like I am on a first date at times. At some point probably last year – (my third here) I just decided to stop trying (as in too hard) , be myself and hope for the best.
I agree that it’s easier to make friends when your kids are little. A lot of time is spent for moms of young children at parks or playdates, and because I have little boys I still have this opportunity. I’ve been fortunate to make connections here with women I feel quite friendly with, but if we didn’t have kids in the same age range I don’t know how we could have done this as easily. Sitting around at the park watching your kids lends itself to developing relationships!
Even so, I’ve had to extend myself to make friends here. But there’s something to what you’re saying, about not trying too hard. It’s not easy to be without those strong connections. (((Hugs.)))
“But until I spoke with her I didn’t realize how subtly but steadily not being valued communally has worn away at me and affected my vision of myself.”
Isn’t it amazing how much our community effects us? I find that really powerful, to think of how our network has such a personal effect on us.
This has happened to me a couple times, when I’ve moved to a new place. Moving is hard, to not feel valued by your community erodes oneself… Living in Israel was very hard for me, without the communal value… I moved there from Baltimore as well, where I had a strong network. Keeping in touch with friends helped a lot.
Naomi (How are you?! It’s been a few years but maybe you remember me, I used to live in Neve Yaakov!), that is such a beautiful idea. I have a friend who I am very, very close to, that I have not been in touch with after I moved back to the States a few months ago. I would love to set something similar up with her, that you so much for the idea!
Rachael Leah – welcome! It’s a very hard part about moving. I had a really hard time staying in touch with friends when I moved since the mode I thought we’d connect in – the Magic Jack – had a lot of issues and became unreliable very quickly. And what a small world, for you and Naomi to ‘meet’ here! 🙂
Thank you for the welcome! 🙂