![failure[1]](http://avivahwerner.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/failure1.jpg)
For a long time, people have been telling me that my message of compassionate and relationship-based parenting needs to be spread more widely. I’ve deflected this for years because of my time constraints but knew in my heart that I have a unique voice of authenticity and experience, and if I was given this gift then it was my responsibility to use it to help others.
But to find the time…so, so hard. I’ve spent the last year slowly shifting my schedule to make time to be of more service to others. This has allowed me to offer more slots for one on one consultations, and I finally decided to make the time commitment to a teleconference series for teens.
I solicited feedback on how to let people know about these classes – it’s a waste to spend time preparing and then not have an audience! – and told myself I would follow suggestions no matter how uncomfortable it made me. And all of the suggestions made me uncomfortable because self-promotion is something I avoid.
Last night I summoned up my courage muscle and sent in a sponsored post, written as recommended to the site that was suggested. I closed my computer at midnight with a feeling of trepidation combined with relief, but overall glad to have to have overcome my discomfort of doing something new. I had no idea that an online firestorm was erupting against me as I slept.
The next afternoon I received the following anonymous message: “I’m glad you are trying to help parents. I hope you take my words from a positive source. Your ad is offensive and demeaning. I recommend you change your wording. You have no idea how many parents are talking about your offensive means of marketing your workshop. You may have a lot to offer, but you are delineating many people. “
It was like someone punched me in the stomach. I was sitting on my bed when I read this and I literally buried my face in my blanket. What did I do wrong?!?
She responded – and I’m very grateful that this person let me know about all of this because I was totally unaware of what was happening – that I was too negative in describing parent/teen relationships. Then she shared that although the administrator of that site “took off the comments from yesterday, but the discussion is still happening. I’d prefer not to reveal where on the web, but I will tell you that in the frum circles and with social media and what’s app, things get out of control without someone always posting on (that site).”
This was so, so painful to me. I have plenty of character flaws, but being harsh and judgmental of parents who are looking for solutions isn’t one of them. Being negative isn’t an issue of mine, either. But I was writing in a new format and clearly didn’t convey my message as I intended.
I unfortunately do care too much about what people think of me and this scenario was like my worst nightmare. To know that people were talking about me and by extension my parenting approach in such a negative way was very, very painful to me.
My first reaction was to completely back away from this project. My mind started going: “Who are you to think that G-d wanted you to do this? What made you think that you have anything of value to share? You see no one is interested and no one likes you. You can’t even explain your parenting approach without alienating people. Maybe this is proof you should keep your life simple and stick with local classes. That would be easier. Who needs this pressure? Why should I go out of my comfort zone? You see, this is what happens to people who become visible – others will knock them down. I’m happy right where I am, thank you very much. I’m deleting that ad and I’m never, never doing this again. Ever. “
The voices of fear, of being self-serving and ego based were very loud in my mind.
Then I started thinking about messages like these:
– Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.
– Never let success get to your head. Never let failure get to your heart.
– A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.
– You are not defined by, and your worth is not measured by, your failure – or your success.
– Success finds a way; failure finds an excuse.
– Success consists of going from failure to failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. Winston Churchill
Was I making excuses? Was I letting my self-worth be defined by people I don’t know talking about me in different online venues? Could I have the courage to keep going even in the face of rejection and pain? Could I admit I made a mistake and learn from it?
I knew what I was supposed to answer but I didn’t want to do hard things. I didn’t want to be mature and use this to grow. I didn’t want to let go of my ego attachment to what people think of me.
And then I thought about what G-d wanted from me. Sigh. There was a reason that I decided to offer these classes, and that reason is still there. There are people who will benefit from what I can share with them, and I need to keep moving forward – even if it’s uncomfortable at times.
My teleconference classes for parents of teens will be starting Dec. 6. If you’d like to join me on a weekly journey as we explore parenting teenagers from a place of compassion for ourselves and for our children, I’d love to have you along for the ride!
Avivah
I’ve been reading your blog since you started it, many many years ago. I can not imagine what you wrote that people would find offensive. I have enjoyed every single one of your posts. I’ve never known you to say anything negative… I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. Much hatzlacha with your parenting classes!!!
Avivah,
I also can NOT imagine you saying anything offensive, and while it’s great that you learned from this and are moving on with your wonderful plans, I wonder if the people blabbing on that site tend just to make drama where there is none or maybe they’re overly sensitive. Whatever, but either way, I know your class will go very well!
Kelly
Thanks, Kel! I was wondering if you’ve ever experienced something like this, since you blog for a much larger audience than I do?
Thank you so much, R! I really appreciate that. Lots of hugs to you and your kiddies! 🙂
So sorry to hear the sorrow you just went thru.
True, people can be very negative on specific forum, I had a similar negative experience when I shared a few years ago a simple but genius idea about cooking ahead for Pesach!
Such a straightforward and practical advice that some a deluge of criticism….chaval…their loss.
You are a gentle soul, a wise and mature woman, a caring and compassionate wkfe and mother. And you are very well liked even admired by many.
I would be honored to learn some of your parenting skills, PLEASE count me in!!!!
Learnlacefront@gmail.com I would love to sign up.
I know the site you are referring to and I went to check and confirm my suspicions. That site is awful for advertising anything mitzvah-related l’shem shamayim.
I don’t want to say anything negative about the site; there’s good and bad everywhere. I’m using the feedback I received to help me better communicate in the future!
I know the site you are referring to as well. Never have I encountered a group of women more eager to pick apart a posting. It is very, very sad in my opinion. Everytime I’m on that site I am reminded why Mashiach may not be here yet 🙁
I didn’t see your post, but I’m positive that it was fine.
Oy, it’s so painful knowing others are talking about you behind your back. Please know that despite that you have a lot of cheerleading fans rooting for you! And if you ever do a preteen series – my daughter is 9 and I’d be so interested!
Thanks, Rachael Leah. I’m really hoping to do a series for younger parents in the spring but I have to start – and finish 🙂 – the teen series and then see where my time availability is at. It’s definitely on my list of things I’d love to do.
Kol Hakoved for having the courage to not allow the negative voices stop you from offering your gifts to the world.
Thank you so much for your honesty! You share from such a deep place(that few people have the courage to do), then you share about your mistakes(something that few people do).
You express your growing process. That is what makes you authentic and unique!
You give people hope because they observe how the process works IN you.
Kol hakavod for your courage and may you merit good things for the fine work you do! Shabbat Shalom!
Thank you, Feige. Many years ago I decided that the only way I could really be of any help to others was from a place of being my authentic self. You can’t learn from someone who is perfect, and when I see people who I admire, I want to know, how did they become like that? What did they have to overcome? People sometimes assume things are easy for me because I’m somewhat public, but they aren’t easy for me at all. I just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other and stay aware of the negative thinking that will sabotage me every single time.
I share what that thinking looks like for me, because for years I believed that these messages I heard were the truth. Now I intellectually recognize them as lies, and I want others to realize when they think things like this that they’re also hearing lies about themselves. That’s the first step to putting them to the side.
Go Avivah!!! YAY!!! How about this one: “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction” -Newton. You are taking a leap in the direction of positivity! My Dh likes to say you can tell how valuable something you are doing is by how much flack you encounter on the way. How do I register?
Shoshana, I love that quote and that perspective from your husband. Thank you for sharing it!
Regarding registration – if you look at the navigation bar you’ll see where it says ‘Parenting classes’. Registration is online – please notice that I had to change the starting date to begin after Chanuka, so it will start Dec. 20 instead of Dec. 6.
I’m sure there were many, many people (myself included) who were not offended by your advertising. But it takes tremendous courage to look at those who were, and learn from them. Your voices of self-doubt and fear are so familiar to me as well. But you DO have so much to offer! B’hatzlacha.
So strange that the same people criticizing you would willingly engage in harmful speech against others. Funny how those on righteous high ground, feel they can criticize others also. I do not know them. I do know you. Keep doing the next right thing. Some will be looking to criticize any good thing someone else is doing. Do not let that sway you from doing good thing! So proud of you!
Oy! So sorry you had such a horrible experience! And it’s very impressive that you’re able to learn from it and move on. Much hatzlacha with your parenting classes!
may i suggest that you are being too quick to label this a failure. my dad told me “there aint no such thing as bad publicity”. if your goal was to create publicity, then seems like a resounding success. you should push your advantage further instead of.withdrawing. however, if your goal is to always be love and accolades all the time, know that is impossible to do so and remain in the public eye. anytime you go public you will be subject to.criticism, fact. goimg publc with something as personal as parenting takes guts. i prob couldnt do it. but if making your method public is important to you, you might try building up your balls/ thickening your skin. remember the old mussar school where theyd go.askimg for pickes in a hardware store? perhaps you should post som more controversial stuff guaranteed to ignite a response, not less.
I’ve seen the challenges of being public and while it’s not fun, I can’t see how to avoid it other than to stay under a rock! You’re right that it’s good to develop a thick skin, but that’s easier said than done! I’m working on it. This event is giving me lots of opportunity to practice. 🙂
Isn’t it amazing how deeply totally anonymous strangers behind a screen can hurt us? I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Avivah, I read your post. For the life of me, I could not figure out what people thought was negative or offensive! Your message in parenting has always been one of hope and belief in the parents’ abilities. You change people’s lives, Avivah. Don’t be discouraged by a few anonymous people looking for drama and controversy. And know that when you help one family you affect change not only in that family but in future generations as well. There will be ripple effects all the way down the generations.
YK, I got a lump in my throat when I read your message. Thank you.
For what it’s worth, I have read every single post you wrote on your blog over the last 9 years, and I have never seen anything that could be called negative or alienating. I also wrote before in comments how I was led time and again to your blog until I started paying attention, which is why I can confirm that there are definitely many people out there who can benefit from what you have to say. My daughter, myself and our relationship have certainly benefited immensely. I know how hard it can be when faced with a tidal wave of negativity… But if you can draw enough strength to keep swimming, it will be so worth it in the end. I have faith in you 🙂
It’s worth a lot to me, Allegra! I’m so glad you posted because I haven’t seen a comment from you in a long time, and I didn’t know if you were still reading. I’m so glad to know you’re here!
Avivah
You continue to be a source of wisdom and inspiration to me. May Hashem give you strength to continue,.
Much love,
Nechama
Thank you, Nechama – much love back to you and your family!
(And thanks on the feedback on my posting at that site – I appreciate it.)
Incidentally, I am pretty sure I saw your original posting, and saw nothing that offended me or put me off at all!