This week marks eight years from the time we arrived in Israel!

Living here is something I continue to be very grateful for.  Though it has become my normal I don’t take it for granted.

When we were considering making aliyah, my husband and I went through a lot of soul searching, clarifying our highest values and getting ready to act on that decision. We spent a month intensely hashing it out, and five months after making the decision, were on the plane with eight children ages 2 – 18 (one child preceded us).

It was a very intense period. There was so much internal work and external actions that needed to happen for it all to unfold as it did.

At that time I didn’t share much of our initial discussion about the idea of moving to Israel, because I didn’t know if we would actually decide to make the move. Then once we made that decision, I didn’t share much because I didn’t know how it was all going to work out. We experienced soooo much personal growth at that time; I later regretted not sharing any of it here because it was a powerful experience for us as individuals and as a couple.

Right now I’m going through another deep exploration of goals and ideals, and this time I’ve decided to include you in my process while I’m walking through it. Even though I prefer to share afterward when it’s all clean and neat and wrapped with a bow. 🙂

Although I don’t yet know how it will work out – and that makes me feel vulnerable when talking publicly about it – I hope you’ll find value in this.

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About seven weeks ago, I attended a beach festival for women on the shores of the Sea of Galilee.

As I sat there by the water, gazing out at the beautiful view, my entire being simultaneously expanded – and contracted.

I was filled with a deep peace and gratitude to be there; I literally felt as if I was filling up my parched soul with the beauty and stillness of nature.

But I was also filled with a deep pain of longing and sadness, craving more of this experience of nature in my day to day life yet knowing that I couldn’t have it. Yes, I go on regular nature hikes with other women, I take my children on outings to national parks, I love gardening and have plants all over my yard and my porch.

And as I sat there, it became so clear to me that…it’s not enough.

It’s not enough.

It’s not enough.

Over those two days away, I had a lot of time to think. I spent much of the time reflecting, gazing at the sea, the sky and the mountains in the distance. I had several great conversations with like-minded women, listening to how others navigated this wantingness and not- havingness.

Over these two days, something became crystal clear to me. Something that I’ve pushed down and pushed away and denied and minimized for years.

I don’t just love being in nature. I NEED to be in nature. And there is a voice crying out inside that I don’t have that in my life to the degree that is optimal for me.

Never have I even considered making this preference for a more pastoral setting to be a primary criteria for any decisions about where to live. In fact, I’ve always made choices to be in larger urban centers, based on the belief this will provide my children with the most opportunities, socially and academically.

This small voice was like an inner child, trying for years to be heard but continually ignored or thrown a small bone – an outing, a new plant, an early morning walk in the park. And finally, with everything in my life thank G-d going smoothly, this little voice seemed to be saying, ‘There are no other big issues to be focused on or distracted by. So NOW can you listen to me?!?’

When I moved to my home four years ago, I was blessed to be living on the outskirts of the neighborhood, with a large open valley opposite my home. I commented a number of times to my family that G-d found us the perfect home because even in a larger bustling community like this, I had the beautiful calming sense of nature being close by.

I loved just standing on my porch, hanging laundry and seeing that view. I didn’t need to physically explore the valley – seeing it was enough.

I was told there were no plans to develop the area opposite our home. However, it wasn’t long after we moved in before down to the right and over to the left, the valley began to be cleared for different building projects.

Then the large earth moving tractors and dump trucks began to make their daily appearances, all day long – right across from me. Then nonstop hammer drilling began, continuing for many hours a day, for months. Noise that left me feeling jangled and out of sync.

And then across from me higher up just a little in the distance, yet another building project began. I felt like everything was closing in on me – from the top and bottom, from right and left, yet I told myself repeatedly, ‘How wonderful, more Jews living in the Holy Land!’ I meant, it, too, and continued to be grateful for the home that I have.

But.

Four years later, the somewhat quiet bypass road on the edge of the community that I live on has been expanded to a four lane boulevard that has constant foot traffic and vehicle traffic. Lots of people wouldn’t mind this, but I am me and I do mind it.

It’s in so many ways a fabulous location, central to buses, synagogues, and a beautiful huge park that people visit from all over (even outside the city) is less than a five minute walk away. I have great neighbors, and our apartment itself has many features that are hard to find all in one package. Not to mention all the work we did to expand the space that makes it a great home for us.

But as I gaze at the landscape that has been so dramatically transformed I often wonder, ‘What am I doing here???’ This busy, energetic bustling pace is great for many but just not in sync with the person I am.

So where does that leave me? This is the question that kept pounding at me for those two days and I felt anguished that I couldn’t think of a solution – I couldn’t pretend anymore that it was fine for me and I couldn’t think of how to change the situation. Such a difficult experience for a person like me, who really believes you can have the life you want if you’re willing to be honest with yourself and take appropriate actions.

Finally, I came to some inner peace as I realized that I don’t have to have an answer. All I have to do is sit with my increased clarity and let myself accept that yes, nature really is very, very important to me. For me, it’s much more than just a nice view to look at.

I gave myself permission to sit with this awareness, and to accept that it doesn’t have to lead to any actions at this time.

Just honoring my own wants and desires and recognizing how deeply important they are to me is a huge step, an act of respect and honoring of myself, and I felt a sense of inner quiet returning by the time I returned home.

I tend to be a person who is quick to act, so it’s also very healthy for me to not take action, not need to do something, and just feel the feelings.

I considered sharing about this inner conflict earlier (I actually wrote this post a month ago), but thought that the lack of being able to resolve this neatly and quickly would be unappealing to my readers. But you know what? This is the reality of life.

Clarity isn’t easy.

It takes courage to feel your feelings, it takes courage to know that you want more than what you have, and it’s uncomfortable to sit with that feeling and do nothing.

Some of my most significant life decisions were preceded the discomfort of not feeling in sync between what I wanted and what I had.

Next up…the discussion with my husband about this newfound awareness when I got back home.

Avivah