The last two years have been trying in many ways for many people, and unfortunately, I believe that we’re far from the resolution of the situation that has been the impetus for so many difficulties.
One great concern to me has been the seeming disappearance of civil discourse, the ability to listen to, dialogue with and even to be good friends with someone who has a differing opinion on a significant issue. It hurts my heart to see the widespread fracturing of families and friendships. For many, many years, people could interface with others of different beliefs in a way that is becoming much less common today. Where has the civil discourse gone, and why has it disappeared?
I don’t think this has been a sudden shift. For years, we’ve become increasingly used to communicating with others via a screen, removed from their face, their expressions, their voice. That has made it easier to forget that there’s another live person on the other side of the screen, a person who can be hurt by what you say.
As we have created more distance between ourselves and others, it’s become increasingly easy to negate others and their opinions. Social media has become an echo chamber, with people seeing news that matches their perspectives. But just as our immune systems are strengthened by exposure to unfamiliar germs, our emotional and social systems are strengthened by exposure to the thought processes and perspectives of others.
The cancel culture has been ramping up in recent years, and more and more positions on various topics have become taboo, something to be mocked and denigrated. Gone is the understanding that respectful communication and different voices are important and healthy for our development as a society and as individuals.
Listen first to understand, then be understood: a key principle that I learned initially from Dr. Stephen Covey that has been an integral part of my understanding of communication. To listen to someone doesn’t mean to listen to his words, readying yourself for a response and debate before he’s finished his sentence. It means opening your heart and mind to truly hear how someone else is feeling. We know our own stories so well, and we want to be heard. It isn’t easy to set aside the desire to speak and convince others of the rightness of our positions, and listen with an open mind to someone else.
With the dramatically accelerated censorship that has become an integral part of our media culture, communicating with others of differing perspectives has become much more challenging. We are shown only one perspective, we are told what is right to believe and told that those who don’t have those same beliefs and practices are a danger to the rest of society. Dialogue and sharing of differing opinions has been shut down. This is particularly alarming since historically, censorship of this sort has always been a preface to institutionalized tyranny.
While the alternative news sources haven’t been completely shut down, those accessing a different perspective from the mainstream narrative are accessing information that the vast majority of people aren’t seeing, and as conversations aren’t based on shared information, conversations become fraught with tensions. As a result, people become increasingly committed to their own perspective and can’t fathom how someone can think any other way.
Whether this has been a natural result of the online social world that so many call home, purposeful media manipulation or something else entirely, we don’t have to let ourselves be led down this road. We reclaim our own humanity when we see the humanity in others, as we respectfully acknowledge the right of others to a differing opinion.
Particularly at this time of so many interpersonal frustrations, it’s incumbent on each of us to be willing to open our minds to respectfully listening to someone who has a different point of view. Sometimes when I’m feeling frustrated after an interaction with someone, or even thinking about perspectives that are disturbing to me, I’ll stop myself and think about why they might respond the way that they did. What causes them to think the way that they did? What paradigm of the world might they be operating from, what kind of life experiences might they have had?
I acknowledge that my life experiences and interpretations of events have led me to the conclusions that I live my life by. Others could have very similar experiences to mine and yet come to the exact opposite conclusions. This isn’t rocket science. It’s basic respect for another human being. But what is simple isn’t necessarily obvious.
Times are changing rapidly and it will be our ability to see the humanity in another, rather than caricature him as a member of a group that you’ve mentally written off, that has the power to reverse the dangerous and polarizing road we’re traveling on as a society.
Avivah
You are one hundred percent right Avivah. While a lack of respectful listening did not start with the digital age, this has certainly contributed greatly to exacerbating the problem. This issue of the last two years has brought out the best and worst in different people and has been the most polarizing issue that I can remember in my lifetime. It’s very hard to see where others are coming from when you believe it’s a life or death issue. Some believe that the danger comes from a sickness while others believe the danger is from a man-made source designed to hurt people. Either way, people have a hard time respecting those with a different view. Even though one camp is clearly making a terrible mistake, those in the other camp shouldn’t view their family members, neighbors and friends as the enemy just because they see things differently. We can view those at the top who are manipulating things as the enemy but not the average person, which is who we are and who we deal with daily. Thank you for making this point.
You’re so right, Rivka, that fear is the underlying issue that people are communicating from. That’s why giving someone facts doesn’t help. Their fear has to be acknowledged and they need to be able to express what is so alarming to them and why. Only then is there the possibility of further discussion.
I have struggled very much with this issue lately. Haven’t we all?
In my own dialogues, I am trying to do these 2 things more:
1. Say “I don’t know” often. It’s easy. There is so much that I don’t really know. Even if I make a certain decision, it’s not because I KNOW it’s correct. In this age, we can trust people who admit they don’t know more than people who claim to possess absolute certainty.
2. Express my feelings about situations more than my opinions. I find that even if people don’t agree on facts, their feelings are often the same, and we can connect there.
Great suggestions, Naomi! I especially agree on the point about connecting on feelings rather than the facts.
It’s funny, Avivah, because I was thinking yesterday how much we miss the person behind the issue these days. In fact, I was crying – literally sobbing – because in so many ways the past couple of years have disconnected us from one another, when what we all need in such trying times is compassion and caring from each other.
I like what Naomi wrote! I so often say, “It could be.” “I’m really not sure.” “You could be right.” Because I’m really NOT sure. I know that important information is being withheld from me, but I don’t know what it is or how to evaluate it properly.
But many people feel that they ARE sure, that they DO know. And maybe they do! All I know is that I don’t know, and that I wish, wish, wish we could hear one another with respect and without recriminations. I speak foremost of myself.
It really is a huge societal loss, Chaya Dina, and it’s painful.
While it’s good to acknowledge what you don’t know, sometimes there are things that we are knowledgeable and confident about. Even so, I don’t think that confidence gives anyone license to be disrespectful to those who have a different position. While it’s more challenging, I hope that I would still be able to be respectful in conversation with those who think differently when I’m confident of what I know.
Oh how I wish all of this wasn’t the “norm” nowadays, to have such a great divide between us and many of our dear family and friends, but sadly that’s where we are.
We feel that so many have been snowed, but likely they are saying the exact same thing about us!
On a positive note though, my husband and I actually DO still continue to get together, love, and even enjoy most of these friends and family that we disagree with. It took a while for many of them to be okay with getting together (we never stopped seeing likeminded friends & family who weren’t afraid though!), but now that we see them again, we just “don’t go there” or we bite our tongues a LOT. Kind of like how it used to be when you had differing political or faith points of view.
So even though it’s more intense the days, in a way it feels like it always did—besides, I’ve been the “weird” person who thinks differently for years! Whether it was about food or the childhood jabs, etc. Although obviously this is bigger, because the whole world is on a certain “side”.
While we’re making a point to maintain these relationships the best we can with those who don’t feel the same, it’s definitely a different dynamic vs. being with our likeminded loved ones though—with them our relationships have grown deeper. It’s more relaxing because we don’t have to be so careful about our words. Also because in this crazy world there seems to be less of us who question the mainstream narrative, so finding & being with “our people” is refreshing.
Although I do believe there are many many more of us who feel this way than anyone knows, because it’s not easy speaking up & takes a lot of courage to risk being ostracized. I see more doing this though and being brave! (I find myself saying more and more as the risks keep getting bigger and I want parents who are still on the fence to know how risky the you-know-what is for their kids!)
Thanks for another well-written article Avivah. I always love reading your thoughts.
It’s so nice to hear that you’ve maintained your friendships, Kel! Yes, biting your tongue on topics you strongly differ on is a mature way to be. 🙂
I’ve noticed an interesting shift in relationships over the current big topic – people are putting aside other differences and congregating more with those who share their convictions. As you said, people feel safer with those who are like-minded to communicate openly about concerns and the societal implications.
Yes, it takes a lot of courage to speak up on the censored side of sensitive topics. While there are many more than it seems on both sides of the aisle who share concerns about authoritarian overreach (which I’ve said in several past posts is my main concern), those voices are so quickly shut down that we don’t feel that they are there.
Beautifully stated, Avivah. About half an hour before I read this, I actually spent time composing a long comment for a website that leans left of my own convictions but where discourse is respectful. I made the point that media today invites the extreme because that gets clicks, but that if we actually spoke to each other, we would find that even when we disagree on policy, we often have areas of agreement that can be a starting point for relating to each other.
Yes, yes, yes to your final statement, Susan! I completely agree.
Thank you all, each and every one of you, for your thoughtful responses. I’ve said before how difficult it’s become to write publicly in the current climate, and your kindness is reaffirming and encouraging for me.