Over Shavuos I was rereading a book that I find meaningful and inspiring, Emuna with Love and Chicken Soup: Henny Machlis, the Brooklyn-born girl who became a Jerusalem legend. Rebbetzin Machlis was an incredible person with a heart filled with love and concern for others who did hospitality and other acts of kindness on a legendary level. She had clarity about her role and mission, and she accomplished amazing things during her life of just 57 years.
Inspired by my reading, over the holiday we were discussing the idea of doing more open-hearted hosting of guests. I have a need for privacy and personal space that makes it a challenge for me to embrace more than a fraction of Henny’s level of giving, but each person can increase their good deeds in their own way and that’s what I was thinking about. Though I’ve done a lot of hosting over the years (and still regularly have guests), it’s not an area I feel inspired to invest more efforts into.
It’s not hard to give if you receive profuse thanks for your efforts. However, how can you give without feeling resentment when your efforts don’t receive recognition, or are taken for granted? I was thinking a lot about this, because when something is hard for me I need more positive feedback to offset that. Then something happened that helped me find my answer to this.
That same day we had this conversation about hosting, I was asked to visit with a mother of a new baby who wasn’t feeling well. After I left, I thought about how to help this mother, and my first thoughts were to find bigger solutions. But I’m not the source of bigger solutions, so it left me feeling useless.
Then I thought it would be better to think what I could do to help that would fit into my schedule and match my giving capacity at this time. I can’t offer to take care of a bunch of small children at my home, or go there to babysit for an extended period. So what could I do?
I have a 45 minute window for 7:15 – 8 am after my kids go on their van to school, before I get busy with my tasks for the day. So I knocked at their door and told her husband I had 45 minutes to help with post-holiday clean up.
Since they’re a much smaller family than mine, their dishes are a drop in the bucket for me! In the time I had, I was able to wash the dishes, clean the counters and sweep the floor.
On my way out, I noticed the laundry hamper was full and took it home with me. I have a big washing machine and enjoy doing laundry, so that’s easy for me.
The mother was sleeping after being up for hours in the night with her sick baby, so she didn’t see me when I was there. We happened to bump into each other at the health clinic later that morning, and she thanked me for the lovely surprise of waking up to a clean kitchen.
Since I did tasks that were doable for me, I didn’t need the approbation and appreciation I would have needed if I had done something that was a big stretch. I felt good about my actions but there was nothing that I did that felt hard or noble, that I would be constantly telling myself how amazing I am for doing these incredible acts of kindness or feel frustrated that my kindnesses weren’t adequately noticed.
All of my initial thoughts about how to help felt hard for me. My lesson to myself is to do the things that are a fit with who I am and the resources I have available. If it feels like too much, chances are that’s not the right thing for me to do at this time. It’s better to extend one’s self with something smaller and be able to help again in the future, than to burn oneself out and feel frustrated/hostile/resentful by taking on something too big.
As far as big things, if a person starts small and works up, over time his capacity for giving grows and later on those big things become doable to him. It’s undeniable that Rebbetzin Machlis continually grew her capacity for giving. Something I really appreciated about her biography is that the focus wasn’t on, ‘look how amazing this person is’, but on how she became the person she became. And that’s actually inspiring, because then there are steps a person can take to become a better person himself.
Avivah
Avivah, I have spoken to women where they mentioned they do not enjoy reading books where the woman in amazing and you feel you can’t live up to what she is doing or did. This is so the opposite with Rebetzen Machlis. She encouraged others to do what you can but it’s not a competition, and not to feel bad if you can’t do so much. everyone has her own inner connection to Hashem and she just tried to bring out love and caring in us all.
Rachelli, I have the same feeling about reading about amazing people. I start to feel inadequate when I look at myself, or I feel a sense of distance, like they’re in a different league. But this book didn’t leave me with that feeling. I think the author did a wonderful job in conveying the acceptance and encouragement of Rebbetzin Machlis, and that’s what is inspiring – because I want to be more than I am, but not from any place of competing or trying to prove myself. This book is like a big, warm hug.
I was just thinking last week that I want to re-read this book! It’s a book that makes me feel incredibly emotional because I feel Henny’s love and nurturing rising from the pages. I think that is something that is missing for many, many people in today’s world. Unconditional love and acceptance. And the place to start is in our own homes. It’s not easy to do this when confronted with challenges and for people who didn’t grow up with this model. But by reading this book, we can see the best possible model for this paradigm. Henny had a book written about her because she was a Gadol in love and hospitality – I don’t think Gadol books mean for us to reach the level of the Gadol but we can all strive to reach just a little bit higher.
I asked my husband for this book as a birthday present the year it came out, and loved it so much that we then read it at the Shabbos table bit by bit for the next year. I was really enjoying rereading it. There’s so much to gain from it, and yes, you feel the love and nurturing coming through.
I know this reply is coming a bit later, but maybe those like me– who visit here every couple of months–will see and gain.
Aviva, you expressed–and ACTED out– so well how to do the chessed that is right for us. I also need my quiet house a lot of the time yet have found ways to give that make an impact, one person or family at a time. There are TONS of us who are not big organizers of chessed initiatives and/or don’t have the emotional capacity for very difficult situations, but do have ways to give.
I love to learn and have developed a few relationships with people who are housebound or lonely, but also love to learn and appreciate the push to do it because we have committed. Learning is a particularly rich chessed for the right person because they completely leave their difficult world for that time, and enter a world that is kulo tov.
I need happy, growing people in my life as well, and when an acquaintance had twins after a bunch of singles, I took on a project for her that I can do mostly in my house, but we still have weekly in person interaction as I finish it up in her house. It really helps her AND it gives me a chance to spend time with a sparkly and absolutely amazing mother and wife. A “selfish chessed?” Maybe, but my gain keeps me doing a huge job for quite a few years. And the gain for me is one of inspiration and simcha, not something selfish inherently.
This share is not to toot my own horn, but to spark ideas in others who question their capacity for chessed. I hope to check back and find more ideas from the inspiring readers of this blog.
Thank you so much for this wonderful comment, Ilana Sara! I’m so glad that you shared your experience with giving in a way that matches your strengths and abilities, and enriches the lives of others. That’s really a win-win, and that’s the way it should be.