Monthly Archives: May 2023

Foster placement court decision made

parenting

The long awaited court date to approve placement for the twins with our family has finally taken place.

And we weren’t approved.

To say that everyone was surprised would be putting it mildly. It seemed like this was a open and shut situation, that the court case would be rubber stamping what everyone had agreed would be in the best interests of the children. The supervisory social worker, who has been involved in many cases, was shocked at this turn of events.

There is someone involved pulling strings behind the scenes who doesn’t have a social work background, and has a different focus on what the needs of children are than all of those trained in this work. She has now determined that she wants the parental rights terminated, and the children placed for adoption instead of fostering.

When I first asked about the length of the expected foster stay, I did hear mention that this legal representative did not want the children going back to their parents, but it was said in passing, not as a definitive determining statement. To me it seems very quick to terminate their rights and put their children up for adoption, but obviously I’m not familiar with the inside details as she is so perhaps this is the right decision.

We aren’t looking to adopt, though if this placement was working well for everyone, we would be glad for them to stay with us until they age out, and I’ve expressed that. However, I can’t and won’t commit to adoption.

Why the push for adoption?

Logistics. I was told that if the children are adopted out, then social services can say they’ve done their part to ensure a good family for the children, and there’s no longer any responsibility on their part for the children or the rehabilitation of the parents.

While it’s obviously in the best interests of children to be adopted by a loving family, the options for adoptive parents are even less than foster parents. (Remember, I told you that a country-wide search was done for other foster parents and we are the only family available.)

The social workers are frustrated that the children have an opportunity for a long term home with an excellent (foster) family. There is no one else waiting in the wings to step up; there are no other options. They need to be removed from an emergency foster care placement that they’ve overstayed by months and will be shut down when they leave. And now someone comes along with a different plan at the last minute, after ten weeks of them putting all the pieces together for them to come to us.

You can see how frustrating it must be to be a social worker in this situation. (Every social worker involved from all the different angles supported their placement with us.)

It’s unsettling for us to be in limbo for so long, too. There are decisions we’re waiting to make based on if they’ll be coming, and it’s becoming somewhat stressful to deal with all of this back and forth for so long.

We decided if the twins come to us, we’ll close down our vacation rental to make space physically and emotionally for them. Meanwhile, I have people calling to make reservations for the summer (I didn’t do any advertising since we’re in limbo, but people are calling based on referrals from friends who stayed here). Until now I’ve been telling them we won’t be open, but last night right after the social worker called, I got another request and I don’t know what to tell them. We’ll forfeit a significant sum of money if we close to accommodate the children, and then they don’t come, or they come in a few months.

Also, the engine on my car just went a few days ago and we need to replace it. If we have two more young children who will regularly need to be transported on family outings, we’ll need a larger vehicle than what I would get otherwise. I don’t want to buy a larger (more expensive) vehicle if I don’t need it. I’d like to get the car situation resolved but it’s one more thing dependent on the placement decision.

That’s in addition to the general emotional roller coaster for my husband and myself, as well as our older children, waiting and wondering if it will happen and when it will happen. One day it looks unlikely and the next day it’s all systems go. I’m getting lots of practice in letting go and letting things happen as they will. Last night I did have a strong impulse to call them and tell them if they don’t make a decision within a week or two, I’m going to pull out, that I can’t stay indefinitely available – I’m still pondering if that’s the right thing to do or not.

They will be going back to court to appeal the decision. I don’t know when that will happen, and I really can’t predict what the outcome will be. This move from the legal representative was unexpected, so we’re no longer in a situation that we can assume that what usually happens is what will happen.

When the social worker called me last night to update me, a phrase went through my mind: “Man’s rejection is G-d’s protection.” I don’t assume this court decision is a bad thing; throughout this period I have been very conscious of not hoping for a particular outcome. Regardless of the odds one way or another, these children will end up where they’re meant to be, and that’s not necessarily going to be with us.

Avivah

Could you be a foster family? Here’s the criteria in Israel

parenting

A few days ago I chatted with a couple of the visiting social workers who had come to do our home inspection for the foster care process, after we finished doing a walkthrough of our home.

One told me that a country-wide search had been done to find a home for the children who are being recommended for our family. I asked how it could be that there wasn’t one other family in the country willing to bring them into their homes. They told me that first of all, it’s always hardest for kids with special needs to be placed. And the older they get, the harder it is.

Here in Israel, they’ll try to find placements for children over eight, but at this time, she said it’s basically impossible. Because Israel is a country that has so many institutions with dormitories, children over eight will go to some kind of institution.

She shared something quite concerning to me. In the last year or two, something has shifted in the general culture and they’re having a shortage of foster families that they’ve never seen before. (This challenge is heightened by the increase in children needing foster families during the covid period.)

An instructive example she shared was about a typical baby born to typical parents who immediately after birth became available for fostering in the Jerusalem area. (I didn’t ask why he was placed.) They found a family in a kibbutz up north, who drove down to Jerusalem to get him; it worked out well. A baby like this is unusual, and is considered the most desirable – and is what the majority of foster families are hoping for. This situation illustrates the shortage, since they couldn’t find an available foster family anywhere in Tel Aviv or Jerusalem to take him, when in the past there would have been plenty of parents clambering for the opportunity.

If that’s the situation for a child that most people would be comfortable fostering, imagine the difficulty for the child who has special needs of some sort in finding a foster home. Many of them aren’t finding families.

I asked them why they think there’s been such a change in the willingness of families to do foster care?

She said, they’ve seen this in the Arab sector for quite a while, that they are so occupied dealing with their own lives that they don’t have the energy or desire to take in someone else’s child. (Obviously there are Arab foster families – I met one at the foster care round table I was invited to participate in several years ago, as the special needs foster parent representative.)

Now this has shifted to the general Israeli population. In the last year or two, as people have become more stressed and economically limited, fewer families are have the emotional headspace to consider fostering.

This supervisor had earlier told me they aren’t trying to market these children to us, and I now somewhat jokingly told her it seems to me they need to market to potential foster families. She told me, in all seriousness, that every single day they are thinking about what to do to bring more families in, that the situation placing children has become very difficult and they need many more families.

What are they looking for in foster families?

First of all, they prefer to see the youngest child in your family being about five, so that you’re emotionally available for the needs of the foster child. When I commented that would tilt to older parents, they agreed, saying that they want parents who are more mature. However, I know of people who didn’t fit this criteria who foster, so this would be waived if the more critical aspects were met.

When you apply to foster, they’ll do a police check on everyone over 18 in your family. You’ll need to have a medical exam and have your doctor fill out a form about your health; they want you to be healthy enough to raise the child to adulthood. I believe that the age guidelines for foster parents are from 25 – 55. They prefer those who already have parenting experience.

They’ll ask about your income and the size of your home; they want to know you aren’t in financial hardship and have space for the child. Your home should basically be neat and organized – it doesn’t have to be sparkling at all times but it’s hard for me to imagine someone with a very disorderly home being approved.

The most important thing isn’t the size of your home, your income or anything above. What they said they look for most are stable families with parents who are flexible and understanding with regards to children. They want people who can accept and be loving towards children who are coming from hard places (which generally include some challenging behaviors).

They also said it’s important for the parents to be able to deal with the bureaucracy, with people coming to your home and all the other technical stuff that comes with raising a child who belongs to someone else, with the government as your partner. This was a huge hesitation for me when I first considered fostering, though it hasn’t been as challenging as I expected.

When we lived in Beit Shemesh, we were affiliated with The Summit Institute; they deal with families in the central Jerusalem area and the south; there’s also Orr Shalom. Now we are working with Matav, who operates in the north.

If you have questions about the fostering process, please ask in the comments. If you know this is something you want to do, reach out to any of the organizations that I listed. If you leave a message but don’t get called back, call them again. They are overextended and understaffed, so don’t take it personally if you don’t get a response initially.

Avivah