It’s been an intense three weeks.

Actually, it’s been an intense six months.

When the twins came, I shared about how intense that was. There was one week at the end of June when all four of the younger children were in school at the same time, and that was a relief. I can’t say it was a quiet week since I spent three of those six days attending end of year parties in different cities for different children, but that was my big quiet chunk of time in this last six months. Ds6.5 and ds11 began their summer vacation in the beginning of July; the twins joined them at home for all of August. Having four children with special needs at home is a lot.

When the school year began, one of the younger four children stayed home from school for whatever reason almost every day. Then it was the holiday period, during which we hosted our mothers as well as all the married children and grandchildren for the the entire holiday (23 people plus two newborns for every holiday meal, plus a full house for all of the intermediary days). It was an enormous amount of work and I simultaneously thought about how grateful I was for all the busyness, and how very much I was looking forward to some downtime to unwind from the months of ‘being on’ for so many people.

Some news trickled in on Simchas Torah but it was immediately at the outset of the holiday that we were hit by the news of the brutal massacre of civilians in the south, and then the beginning of the war. I think it’s accurate to say that’s been an emotional weight on every person in this country.

There was no school throughout the country for about two weeks; the first shortened school day for our youngest four children was on a Monday (Oct. 23). That made it possible for me to visit my mother in the hospital in Jerusalem after she had been there for over a week. The next morning one child stayed home, while I fielded calls from the social worker about setting up a plan about how to support my mother when she left the hospital.

On Wednesday (October 25), all four of our children had school for the full day (until 2 pm) for the first time. That was fortunate since I was able to leave at 4:45 am to travel to Jerusalem and bring my mother to our home after her release from the hospital, getting back with five minutes to spare before needing to pick the twins up from school.

My mother needs a lot of support at this time, but I’m hopeful that in a few weeks she will regain her strength and be able to return to living independently. While my mother isn’t a demanding person, she needs physical assistance, as well as help filing paperwork for services that she needs; regular meals that need to be cooked and served; and I still have my very wonderful children with a lot of needs to take care of.

In a comment some time ago, someone wrote that apparently I have a high capacity to have people around me all the time. While it’s true that I’ve developed a higher capacity than I would have if I had a smaller family, I nonetheless need quiet time for myself to rejuvenate, and that’s been almost completely missing for close to six months. I’m physically and emotionally tired, and while I’m not at the very end of my rope, I’m feeling worn thin.

The lack of time to myself is a real issue and while I try to continue to do what needs to be done without getting overly emotional or resentful about it, sometimes I just want to be left alone. It is very, very hard to have personal space in my life at this time; as soon as I finish with one person, the next person is ready for me to be with them – from early morning until late at night. (This is actually how I became a night owl once I had teens – teens like to talk late at night, and in order to spend time with them and still have personal time, I would stay up until after they went to sleep at midnight to have time by myself. I made a huge effort to reverse that about eight years ago and love getting up early now, and don’t want to go back to staying up late as a solution.)

Regardless of how much I do, I’m still left with the feeling that what I’m giving isn’t enough for anyone. I’m just accepting that’s how it is right now.

I’m not going to write all about the importance of self-care and personal time, and how I’m managing to find that even in the middle of this. I think about that, I’m trying to find ways but right now I have fragments of time to myself and it’s very far from enough. That’s my reality right now. I’m doing the best that I can, I focus on my many blessings and…I’m depleted.

Though by the time evening comes I’m pretty worn out, fortunately night is followed by morning and each day I start the day with somewhat fresher energy. In every tough time and situation, dark is followed by light. Even when you can’t see it, the light is coming.

Avivah