>>What do you do with your kids when you’re in labor if you’re having a homebirth?<<

I’ve gotten this question a number of times – I think the concern is firstly about where the kids actually are present, and secondly about how a laboring woman has privacy if her kids are at home the same time.  Since our kids are homeschooled, it’s inevitable that everyone, or most everyone, is going to be home when I have a baby.  I’ve had four homebirths so far, and each of them was in a different home, so I’ll share the physical set up of each, and then address generally my approach to labor.

Homebirth #1 – bedrooms and one bathroom was on one side of the apartment, the living room, dining room, and another bathroom were on the other side.  I stayed in my room and had one bathroom to myself, my kids were on the other side of the apartment, with a kitchen separating the two sides.  This was my very long labor and the midwife’s assistant took the kids outside and played with them at some point in the afternoon – she didn’t have anything else to do.  But otherwise dh was with them, except for when he popped in to be with me.

Homebirth #2 – bedrooms and single bathroom were upstairs, everything else was downstairs.  I was upstairs, the kids were downstairs (until they saw the midwife come and then they ran up the stairs to follow her) – the midwife was only there for 10 minutes before the baby was born, so there wasn’t much of an issue anyway!

Homebirth #3 – my bedroom and bathroom were on one side of apartment, the other bedrooms and bathroom were on the other side.  My oldest son was gone that morning, my two older dds were also gone that morning (their grandparents brought them back an hour before the baby was born, though), so I only had my 7, 5, and almost 4 yo children at home.  At one point the 7 yob took the other two out to play with them, when he realized I was in labor.  Very sweet of him.

Homebirth #4 – in the house we’re currently in.  Our bedroom and bathroom are on a separate floor from the kids.  This was the only time out of any of my births that the baby was born at night.  I loved this, but my kids really didn’t.  They don’t like waking up and missing the excitement, the anticipation of knowing the midwife is there and wondering when the baby will be born and what it will be, seeing the baby already dressed – this was a major complaint they had about last time.

When I’m in labor, I prefer to mostly be left alone.  I think that privacy is extremely important to a laboring woman; a woman needs to feel able to totally focus on her labor.  My kids don’t come into (or near) my room at any point during labor, and certainly not during the birth.  (I’ve considered letting my older teen daughters be present for the birth since I think it would be a really good experience for them; I would love for them to experience first hand the beauty and serenity of a birth that is allowed to follow it’s own course with no unnecessary intervention. But I’m unfortunately a private person and not comfortable with that.)  When they were younger, my dh took care of them, but now I have older kids and all of my kids age 6 and up are capable of taking care of themselves and helping out with the younger toddlers. 

A number of women have asked me, “But don’t they HEAR you?”  In my case, there’s really nothing to hear, even if they stick their ear next to the door.  I’ve found conscious relaxation in labor very helpful, and that’s what I do (this is most similar to what is taught in the Bradley method).  I read a bit about hypnobirthing during this pregnancy and it sounds alot like what I do, but I can’t say for sure since I don’t know enough about it.  Someone watching me wouldn’t even know I’m having contractions, except that I breathe more deeply then.  I usually prefer sitting on the comfy glider in my room with my eyes closed and focusing on positive imagery and keeping my entire body relaxed, though physiologically it’s not the best position.  Last time I felt the need to lean forward during transition, so I chose positions that facilitated that instead of the glider.  I also like having relaxing music on in the background, but it’s best to have music that doesn’t have a pattern building up or down – I had a very nice cassette which was made for labor (unfortunately doesn’t work now :() that had beautiful rain falling type music, sounds of a stream, etc.  Any cassettes intended for relaxation are usually perfect for labor.

Regarding the lack of noise/minimal noise, I don’t think I’m unusual.  Women who are prepared, who work with their bodies, and who are supported don’t make the kind of noises that are routinely heard in hospitals.  Interestingly but not surprisingly, the noise heard in labor wards isn’t usually coming from prepared unmedicated mothers.  Women who are taking Demerol are at a particular disadvantage, because they don’t feel the contraction building up and don’t have any time to prepare themselves, and when they are hit with the most intense part of a contraction, it’s very hard on them.  They’re the ones I used to hear the worst screaming from.  Also heard from those waiting for an epidural to be administered, whose epidural didn’t take, or those whose epidurals only took on one side of their bodies.  Women who are prepared have physical and emotional strategies to handle contractions, and when they do make noise, they are usually low pitched umm or hmm sounds, sometimes groans, not the high pitched screaming that leaves anyone who hears it sure that giving birth to a baby is the most agonizing experience in the world.  I asked my midwife her experience with this, and she agreed that there’s not usually a lot of noise at homebirths. 

The kids come in as soon as possible afterwards.  With baby no. 5 they came in after I was cleaned up from the hemorrage, probably after a half hour.  After no. 6 and 7 they came in when the baby was ten minutes old, as soon as the placenta was out but still connected to the baby.  So they got to see the umbilical cord cut (with 6 and 7), see the baby still covered with vernix, watch the baby have it’s first exam, and just generally experience the excitement of a brand new human being who has just come into the world.  It’s a very special experience for everyone in the family.  We let each of them hold the baby right away, with the youngest getting the first turn (this is probably the only time the youngest goes first – most things in our home go from oldest to youngest).  With baby no. 8 they were asleep since it was 1:40 am and I wasn’t interested in waking them up, so they missed all the action.  (I’ve promised them this time that I’ll wake them up right away, since they were so disappointed last time – only the kids ages 6 and up, though; the toddlers can wait until the morning.) 

As far as me, it just takes a couple of minutes to clean up.  Last time the placenta was partially abrupted and there was more blood than usual, so I took a quick shower right afterwards because I wanted to feel really clean.  I’m almost always fully dressed from the time I get up in the morning and wear a shaitel throughout the day, and I don’t dress any differently just because I’m in labor, so I don’t look any different after giving birth. (Last time it was the nighttime and it didn’t make sense to me to purposely stay in clothes and a shaitel at a time I would usually be changing to a snood and nightgown.) 

People seem to think that the room must be filled with blood and bodily fluids, but that’s really not the case.  Whatever amounts (usually small) of fluids there are are contained on a chux pad, which is quickly rolled up and put into a garbage bag right away.  Even with the hemorrage and abrupted placenta, both situations in which there’s a lot more blood than usual, clean up still wasn’t a big deal.  I’ve found that home births are much neater than hospital births because your attendants respect that they’re in your home and want the atmosphere to be pleasant and orderly, so they take more care than in the hospital setting.  (I still remember a birth I attended at a newly decorated maternity wing of a major hospital, a hospital everyone was flocking to because of the renovations.  I couldn’t believe that the fluids during that birth were literally left to run all over the floor instead of being caught by a basin or contained on a chux pad – it could have so easily been avoided and was very unpleasant to see.  I suppose since the attendants weren’t the ones doing the cleaning up and it wasn’t their husband who had to walk over a mini stream running through the room, they didn’t care – and it was certainly a stark contrast to the beautiful furnishings.) 

Okay, I hope I answered all the aspects of that question!  If I missed something, just ask.

Avivah