Yesterday I took my dd14 shopping for last minute camp supplies. Nothing too major since we got whatever clothes she needed before I gave birth- she needed toiletries mostly (and if I ever get around to writing about coupons and health and beauty aid alternatives, I’ll share with you the kind of things she took). I really love spending time one on one with each of the kids; it makes doing any errand enjoyable. This is something I’ve only been able to do for the last three years. One really nice thing about having older kids is that your efforts in raising kids with good middos, thinking skills, and strong values are already paying off in a big way and spending time with them is like spending time with a good friend – they’re so enjoyable to talk and be with.
I was up late last night helping her with last minute camp preparations – even though we were both tired, it was so fun and at one point we both started laughing so much that we had to stop looking at each other – every time one of us glanced at the other, we started cracking up again! But we finally got her packed up and ready, and were at the camp bus at 6:30 this morning.
Today’s home atmosphere was already really different – dd14 was gone, ds15 spends a few hours out in the morning at shul learning, dd12 is working at a camp for 2 year olds this week, and ds10 slept over at my in-laws. That meant that there were only five kids at home and the oldest was 8. Usually I do a lot of delegating and directing, which I don’t especially love but I think it’s important for children to learn how to run a house. And it’s also really important that kids learn that their homes aren’t hotels and their mothers aren’t slaves put on this earth to fulfill their every whim, so they need to participate and help out for no other reason except that they live here.
Anyway, with all the older kids out, it means fewer hands to help out and more work for me to do in their absence. That might sound like a negative, but I actually enjoy it. I like doing what needs to be done more than telling someone else to do it. I do it, I know it’s done, and it’s easy to stay on top of things. In many ways it’s more work to delegate everything – I have to remember who I told to do what (and some people require several requests/reminders), when, check that it was done, and in the end it still might not be done the way I’d ideally like it done. The payoff is in the long term and I very much feel the time and energy invested in teaching them to help out is worth the effort, but sometimes I enjoy not having to put forth so much effort in that area.
Last year the oldest three all went away to camp for the same 4 weeks, and it was so nice. They couldn’t believe I told them I enjoyed doing all the work all of them usually do and that I found it more relaxing than having them do it – it seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it? People think I’m so lucky to have kids who help out, and that having helpful older kids is a natural outcome with a large family, but it didn’t happen by itself and plenty of mothers of large families can tell you that they made the mistake of not getting their kids involved in helping out because it was too much work. I’ve put a lot of time into teaching my kids how to be helpful, and even now, a lot of effort goes into staying on top of so many children and all the details of running a house.
It’s not that the kids don’t help at all during this time – they still help alot. But I adapt my expectations of myself and of them. For now, I’ll enjoy the satisfaction of accomplishing something, and when it’s time to kick back into gear, I’ll be ready to actively get them involved!
Avivah
