Almost a year ago, I decided I wanted to organize the Torah Homeschool Conference that took place in June. What prompted me to do it was because I get a good number of questions about homeschooling and I wanted to make the support and information available on a larger scale than one on one conversations. I hear the same questions again and again, and I wanted people to have the chance to speak to and meet others who are homeschooling, for support and encouragement as well as information. I know that there’s only so many people I can help personally, and I simply can’t spend an hour plus on the phone/computer with every person who calls/emails!
Most of the calls are from people who have no idea what’s involved (haven’t read anything, spoken to anyone, or done any research), and it’s a little frustrating to get these calls knowing how much attending the the conference 5 weeks ago would have helped these people, because it was for this group of people that the conference was in large part intended! It’s interesting – people could have spent $15 on a conference for the entire day, or buy the mp3s from the conference for $24, but while they’re willing to spend thousands of dollars a year in tuition, the very small cost for educating themselves about homeschooling isn’t worthwhile for them. Part of that is because they don’t want to think about how to educate, or why to homeschool, but just want a curriculum to follow or to pay me to homeschool their kids. I think most parents don’t want to put in the time to attend a conference or read books – they want quick answers and easy solutions – something that matches being able to send them out the door to school and let the teachers take care of things. But homeschooling isn’t like that at all. Homeschooling is about empowered parents taking responsibility for their children’s needs, and to effectively do that, you have to understand what those needs are.
I asked the woman calling why she wanted to homeschool her child, and she said she didn’t really want to, but her husband wants her to. They apparently just got their tuition agreement and it’s simply too expensive. Here in my area, at least two of the main schools just raised the yearly tuition by $1800 or so. Everyone is in a hard position, including the schools. Because so many people can’t pay full tuition, they raise the tuition but then it means many of those who were previously able to pay full tuition no longer can. The solution really has to be thinking an entirely different way about the problem and the solution, not more of the same, but that’s clearly not happening.
So I got to speak to someone who really doesn’t want to homeschool, doesn’t know anything about what’s involved, but feels like they have to because they can’t afford school. This isn’t my favorite kind of conversation. I don’t believe everyone should homeschool, and I’m not trying to convert the world. What I do is try to support those who want to do it. But because I know this person will probably end up homeschooling by default, I want to give her at least a chance for it to be a positive experience for her and her child. And I know that if she does what most people in this position do – copy the schools and look for a curriculum that covers everything in the way the schools would do it without taking into account who her child is and what her personal needs are – they’re both going to be miserable.
But I don’t think I succeeded. She asked me several times about my curriculum, and when I told her that I created my own each year for every child, she asked me to give her what I developed for my child at her child’s grade level (because my ‘curriculum’ for first grade is so loose and fluid as to almost not seem to have any structure, I’m positive it wouldn’t have helped her at all). I understood her asking, but I tried to explain that just because it works for me, it doesn’t mean it will work for her, because I’m coming from a different paradigm of education and have different goals for my kids. Her main concern was if my kids could keep up with school kids, and while I’m confident that any of my kids could hold their own in school in any area, my goals aren’t about keeping up with the schools. After explaining all of this, she asked me why I’m unwilling to share my curriculum, as if I was being selfish, but even after trying to explain to her again the personalized angle of homeschooling, she still didn’t get it.
Fortunately, this is balanced by those who do get it! It’s the people who sincerely are thinking about how they’re raising their children that I most enjoy speaking to, because I know my breath isn’t wasted on them, regardless of what they decide. Recently I was told that a couple who attended the conference will be homeschooling because of the help they got there. It’s hard to homeschool when you don’t know anything about it or know anyone who’s doing it! Others who send their kids to school told me that they heard perspectives that they can apply for their children, even though they aren’t homeschooling. This week, someone else called to tell me she will be homeschooling after a conversation we had (not crediting myself or our conversation, though it was helpful to her). And on Shabbos afternoon, a young mother told me that she’ll be keeping her 2.5 year old son at home another year before enrolling him in preschool. (She said, “I kept asking people for advice because I really didn’t know what was best for him, but it wasn’t until I spoke to you that I heard something I liked.”) These are all people who just need someone to give them some practical tips but more than that, who need to be reassured that they’re not crazy for keeping their kids home longer than normal or for learning at home with them. And for every one of them I’m glad to be able to help.
I’m so excited about having cds and mp3s available from the conference, because now there’s more information that can be publicly circulated to help people. I can’t tell you what a nice feeling it is to mail out cds or send the mp3 files and know that parents far away can be supported or encouraged. Are these cds comprehensive and cover every possible issue? No, absolutely not. There are a number of topics that I’d like to still see systematically addressed (two of of these important topics were addressed at the conference but the recordings were lost), but we’ll need cds from at least a few conferences until we get to that point! But until now, there’s never been anything in the frum community that supports parents who are homeschooling, and it’s gratifying to know that we’re starting to change that!
Avivah
Kerith – please contact me! I’ve tried to send you the conference mp3 files but they aren’t going through to your email.
B”H
Hi Aviva,
I’m a very recent baalat tshuva. I’m still working on a lot of things, so I’m not the best role model for my kids at this point. My husband is going through an Orthodox Giyur. Previously, I was considering homeschooling my kids. But since the changes in our lives happened and my focused shifted to wanted them to learn Torah and all the things about Judaism I wasn’t aware of growing up. Do you think it is feasable for someone like me to try to teach limudei kodesh to my kids?. They are currently 2 and 4 years old.
Thank you,
Hi, Olga, welcome! I really prefer to answer questions like yours when I know the person. I’ll give you a general answer, though.
You are totally changing your life to become a Torah Jew – who better than you could be a role model for your children? When children are young, there are many books and cassettes that can easily be used to supplement for them, to fill in your gaps. You will continue to learn and grow and can share that with them, however old they are. So yes, I feel it is very feasible for you to teach them.
The hesitation I have is that it’s sometimes challenging for families like yours to feel like part of the community, and being outside of the school system could make that more difficult. There is a value to being part of the community, but school isn’t the only way to do that. The question is if you can and will make the effort, and if you will feel rejected Jewishly by those who will judge you negatively for homeschooling.
Homeschooling isn’t an all or nothing proposal; you can homeschool them while they are young and put them in school at a later time, you can homeschool them through high school and supplement with outside resources, you can connect with a likeminded friend and teach your children together with hers….there are many options. My suggestion is to take it one year at a time and see how it goes.
Good luck!
Avivah — Thank you, thank you, thank you!! The conference have me a shot in the arm and gave me more chizuk about our continuing choice to homeschool. I still admit I worry if my kids will be at “level”, but the more I learn from others who are also homeschooling from conviction as well as circumstance, I feel better. Do you think those people who are homeschooling “by force” to the support groups, like Torch-D, imamother’s forum or jewishorthodoxandhomeschooling, where they might find numerous people telling them what they do or don’t — sometimes people are so overwhelmed by the idea of schooling their child, a rock or something to cling to is important. I felt that only after actually DOING homeschooling could I try to wrap my head around the more philosophical aspects of HSing.
Thank you for being such a source of inspiration!
Thank you both! After just reading some unkind comments directed towards me, I especially appreciated your positivity. 🙂
Yael, I hope I didn’t imply that just because someone starts off from a non ideal place that I don’t support her. In this case, I invited the woman to join us at our monthly get together where she could speak to other homeschooling moms in person but she was only interested in getting my curriculum for me, and asked me if I ever homeschooled other people’s children (wanting me to take her child). When I gave her names and phone numbers of other people she could speak to for more information, she didn’t seem interested. I know how overwhelming it is in the beginning; I remember how I felt! But I do think that a person should ideally have a goal (whatever that may be) because without it, how will you know if you’ve been successful?
Avivah – I’ll e-mail you!
No, Avivah, I get where you are coming from — no one ever asks me for advice (yet!) on beginning the process of homeschooling.
If a person is coming from a positive place (I abhor that term 🙂 ) about homeschooling (for philosophical reasons, because they feel they can do a good job educating their children), rather than a negative place (they can’t afford the school they want, they don’t live near a school (and are resentful about it), their child has been kicked out, the school cannot educate the child (and there is resentment from it)), their attitude will affect all the ways they see their child and the notion of teaching that child.
People who would rather teach their own will be happy to explore the background and philosophy of HSing (like me — because we lived (and live) in a place with no school, I was granted my desire to teach my own. I don’t know if I would have gotten up the courage to break away from the communal norms if we hadn’t moved away from an established community.) But if a person would rather abdicate their responsibility to teach their own, then why would they want to delve into the ins and outs of homeschooling as the situation is a shas ad chak (emergency situation)?
Her goal probably is to “get through” until she can afford to put her child back into school. If that is so, then getting a curriculum that will enable her to easily put her child back in school ASAP (or for someone else to teach her child cheaper than the regular school) is the way to get to her goal. She will be successful when her child is back in school and she is relieved of that responsibility. She has her goal — and she wants you to back her in that. I can understand that you cannot do that, but she probably can’t. The homeschooling-by-conviction mindset is so not conventional, so she probably never thought about it. I am not sure what you can do for a person like that — they are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
On another note, my husband read your blog entry. He said that he hoped you would please write a synopsis of what was taught/learned at the conference as a whole and at each session. He said this is done at the end of his academic conferences; both to give over a review of what was spoken about as well as to entice people who did not go to the conference to come the next time. If your goal is to not have to spend all your free time communicating with people about the same small set of topics , a synopsis could help — you could just hand them a piece of paper and go about your business 🙂
Avivah – I can’t imagine someone saying something negative to you. I find you to be one of the most positive, inspirational people I ‘know’!! (And smart, too!)
The only question I get about homeschooling is the incredulous, “how do you do it?!?!?” :o)
When I first started on the homeschooling journey I was also very concerned about having a curriculum in place. Only after doing it for 2 years do I realize that the curriculum needs to be fluid for the family and for the child. I can relate, though, as to why that would be someone’s first concern when faced with the “need” to homeschool. It helps it seems more real. After all, schools have curriculums….I think it really takes delving into it to see how it works for you and your child(ren).
Keep helping people, you’re doing a great job!!
I really like your blog, Aviva. As a homeschooling mother, I do always try to be sensitive to those who are hs for pragmatic reasons. The whole yeshiva system is built on a house of cards. How many people can really afford tuition for numerous children. I will not critisize someone who is being fiscally reasponsible and refusing to beg for handouts, take government entitlements, or dive into a canyon of debt. The view of hs as lehathilah often comes with time and experience. I think that if most frum homeschoolers were honest with themselves they would admit that finances play a role in their decision. With the socialist destruction of the economy, there soon will be a lot of frum people who cannot keep treading water. Even if irksome, I feel no choice but to welcome every “bedyeved” hs family. I think we must make it a practical alternative or Jews will feel forced into the liberal public schools.
The power went off last night just as I sent my responses, and I wasn’t sure if they went through or not – apparently they didn’t!
Yael – are you interested in taking on a project of summarizing the conference details? I love talking to parents about homeschooling and I’m not looking for a way to stop! For the people I talk to, I think the personal contact is important to them (it was for me in the beginning, too, and even now I appreciate knowing other homeschoolers irl), since we all want to feel there’s someone out there who’s taken the path we’re contemplating and draw reassurance from them. If I handed them a paper, it wouldn’t give them that.
Rena – hugs and thank you. It’s interesting how different people can perceive the same thing, since I and my blog disgusted this person.
whoisjohngalt? – (I recently read a blog article by a John Galt, and this was the phrase that immediately sprang to mind. :)) Before becoming aware of how much extreme pressure tuition put on families (and affected their major life decisions, like how many children to have), I didn’t think that finances alone were enough of a reason to homeschool. But now that I see how many families are being truly compromised in important ways due to the financial stress, I’ve changed my position. I still think a person should want to do it, but very often those who feel forced into it end up realizing the potential for transforming the quality of the education their children receive as well as improving the quality of their lives. The vast majority of us start off because we’re forced into it, and become more positive and confident as we see the benefits and find our groove.
I want anyone who’s homeschooling to be successful, regardless of the reasons they’re doing it, and that’s why I spend time speaking with even those who don’t want really want to be having the discussion (assuming they initiate – again, I don’t try to convert anyone). In situations like above, I remind myself of the intense frustration I once felt speaking to someone who had been diagnosed with cancer who wasn’t was receptive to my suggestions that she get actively involved with her health and stop relying on the experts (I spoke to her for a very, very long time). It was hard to speak to someone who had been condemned to die and know she still wasn’t willing to do anything for herself. But I was wrong – it took her time to process what I said, but since that conversations, she’s become very empowered and has really taken responsibility for her health. She is about sixty and she and her married daughter have so much gratitude for the perspective I was able to share with them, because it literally changed her life (but only because she applied it). I never would have guessed she would have gone as far as she did to learn new information and apply it to her life. If this person could have made a major paradigm shift despite her initial reluctance, fear, and disempowerment, it showed me that most people can, given enough support and enough time.
I like your response. What made you become more aware? The financial problems with yeshivas were obvious to me from day one as a married balat teshuvah. It didn’t add up. If my husband could make over $100,000 and we4 couldn’t afford tuition(kno-wn even B4 we had kids), how could the 80% of the frum world making much less afford it. There are no contradictions. If you find one, check your premises. One is always faulty. I actually love teaching my kids, but I believe that happiness is a choice. Hashem controls the world. We control our responses to situations.