>>My dh said this to me the other day – “I want my sons to have a yeshiva education.”  It’s something that he never had, something he thinks is important.  Now mind you, our sons are 3 and 9 months, so …I think we’re thinking way too far in the future!  Should I just let this go and deal with it when the “time comes,” see where we’re holding then? <<

People tend to build up the things they haven’t had as more important than they are.  For example, my husband has a friend who grew up with very little money, and as an adult this man is in serious debt primarily because of his determination that his children never feel they’re lacking anything.  This man didn’t have money, so he’s overestimated its importance in the life of his children. 

As a homeschooling parent, I particularly appreciate having had a yeshiva education, because I’m very realistic about the benefits and disadvantages of school and that helps me be much more confident about homeschooling.  I’ve found that those who didn’t grow up in the religious world tend to be the insecure about their ability to provide a decent Jewish education, and I think a big part of it is that what the schools actually do is a bit of a mystery to them.  So it gets built up as an unrealistic ideal that parents could never compete with. 

I don’t think you should wait to start discussing your values about education – there’s no time like the present!  If you wait until it’s time to put your kids in school, the likelihood of significant friction between you is very high.  I don’t believe in wishful thinking and I don’t think that people usually change their views significantly unless something pushes them to reconsider. 

At the same time, I don’t think this should be an issue of major intensity right now!  You can take a relaxed attitude towards it, and certainly you don’t need to have a discussion about specifically homeschooling if that’s something he’s resistant to. Before talking about the ‘how’ or ‘where’, you need to talk about ‘why’.  When you understand why a person wants something, that’s when you start to really understand where they’re coming from.  And to have a meaningful and productive discussion, you have to come from a place of understanding and openness. 

I’d suggest clarifying what a yeshiva education means to your husband – you may already know this, but if you haven’t had the discussion, don’t assume you know what his concerns are.  Is it a certain level of skills he wants your sons to have, to fit into society as ‘insiders’ rather than from the outside looking in, or something else?  When you can together identify what he’s afraid your sons will miss out on, then you can begin to talk about other potential ways your children can get those things.  When concerns are vague or intangible it’s very hard to address, and the feeling that somehow he’s missed out and he doesn’t want his children to miss out is going to prevail. 

If when discussing this you focus on the fundamental concerns and emotions and can reflect that you understand where he’s coming from, he’ll be more open to hearing what you have to say.  People need to feel heard and understood before they can be open to truly hearing someone else.  My dh and I have both evolved in our goals for our family, and we’re now reaching those goals in a manner that ten years ago I could never have imagined!  I never would have considered homeschooling without a certain amount of life experience and a lot of thought about what true education entailed.  So that’s just to say that whatever he’s expressing is right now isn’t necessarily going to stay his view forever!

Avivah