Yesterday someone asked me to write about marriage, but it’s something I don’t really blog about, though I do give feedback when asked in person and very occasionally online.  About three weeks ago I answered the following question in a private forum, and I’m going to do something I’ve never done before, which is to share the question (that was posted anonymously) as well as my response.

The person who asked the question two weeks later dropped her anonymity in order to contact me privately to thank me for this answer.  She said she had been agonizing over what to do, and had spoken to various professionals to determine the best course, but still didn’t have clarity. She said that my response to her was so helpful that she decided to stay with the marriage and try to make it work as a result.  Since this was so helpful to her, I thought it might be of some value to others as well.

>>Question: If you have to choose between money and love, which would you choose?

DH is a good person. I work insanely long days (constantly working and finding time to relax), and DH makes dinner at times, tidies up the house, etc.

The only problem is that he is LAZY, UNMOTIVATED, and hasn’t found himself career-wise. He and his mother admit that he has no motivation. (I’ve known him for years, and) first we thought he was working for a bad company, then we blamed it on a 9-5 sched that he wasn’t cut out for, then we blamed the wrong graduate program, and then his parents shared that he has always had a problem with motivation his ENTIRE LIFE. I have so much drive and ambition, and am curious if his absolute lack of desire to do ANYTHING. I’ve tried and tried for years to help him, and then also tried by not helping him. Either way, we lose and I’m so darn resentful.

I’ve been told to either deal with being poor on the books but emotionally fulfilled (though I’m not b/c I resent him) or divorce. I’ve tried everything–career counselors, attempting to find every source of employment from being a guidance counselor in the South Bronx to a writing instructor to a barista at Starbucks and everything in between. He says he may never find himself, and I either need to accept that or leave. And I told him that he needs to find purpose in life or leave.

We’ve been together a year.  Can you let me know what you think?<<

First of all, I don’t think you’re asking an accurate question since you don’t have an either/or situation that would apply. You don’t have money and therefore you don’t feel love.

I’m going to share something very important that no one else is addressing (remember, this was in a venue where others were sharing their feedback). I think you knew who he was when you got married, even though you didn’t know the full extent of his lack of motivation (none of us know the full extent of any aspect of a spouse’s personality before going through life a certain amount of time together; unpleasant surprises are par for the course), and you probably were attracted to his relaxed and good-hearted personality. Right?  Wasn’t that part of his appeal to someone as focused and driven as yourself?

But now you want him to now keep that relaxed part of himself and simultaneously become more like you. That’s what lots of women do, marry someone who is different and then get angry/resentful that he’s different. And then they try to change him. Not fair.

This is only something to get divorced about if you refuse to look at your part and continue to resent and judge your husband. There’s no way to be happy if you won’t do that. Your husband seems to be a good person who loves you and is responsible in other areas; I really doubt that he’s inherently lazy and doesn’t care. It’s more likely that he doesn’t know what direction to go in, doesn’t have confidence in his abilities, and needs a lot of guidance and support (NOT you to tell him what he should be doing!) to know what direction to move in. He has his own challenge with feeling powerless and unable to change this area; you have your own opportunity to grow.

You have a tendency to be controlling and this is a chance to really work on that. You love people conditionally, and marriage is about loving the whole person, the whole package. This is what the real issue; your unwillingness to accept life on life’s term and to love him for who he is.

It’s hard for someone who naturally a go getter to realize that this isn’t a natural trait for many people. The most direct path to your goal of having a husband who is motivated is backing off, accepting him, working on yourself – that’s the only way it will happen. If you can let go of your fear and need for immediate change, love and support him for who he is without trying to manipulate his behavior, you’ll be amazed at what can happen long term. One day you can look back at your amazing marriage and realize what you would have thrown away if you hadn’t been willing to look at your part and work on that.

I really do know how hard this is.  It’s a real process of growth, and I hope you realize I’m taking time to write this because I really want to support and encourage you to do what will bring you true happiness and love – and maybe money one day, too.

What would you say to this question?

Avivah