>> i am wondering how you deal with money and your kids. as the children get older, there are certain things that they need- and certain things they just really really want- that we just can’t afford. my husband thinks we should tell them our finances- like, “there is only $28 in the bank until the next payday, so we can’t get you x”. that gives me the heebie jeeebies. i think we do a good job of teaching our kids the value of money- so they don’t generally ask for frivolous things.

i know some people who tell their kids ‘this is just not how we choose to spend our money right now.’ that avoids the kids feeling poor, but i think sometimes it isn’t fair, because it implies that you are choosing to let them do without, when really you wish it could be different. i don’t want my kids to be afraid to need things or to feel like we can’t provide for them or to be complexed about our finances. i would prefer is our finances were none of their business, but as they get older, this gets harder.

so, i hope you will see through to the main ideas here- giving over god values while being comapssionate, while balancing everyone’s needs.<<

I decided to ask my kids for their thoughts on this before responding.  So at dinner last week, I told them the question, and asked them what they thought.  There was a long silence and they all looked at me blankly.  Then one of them said, “What do you mean?”  So I explained, “Sometimes we have money limitations and can’t buy you what you want – so how do you feel about that?”  And then they said that that situation has never happened!

Since we’ve had times of being extremely financially limited, I certainly have had to curtail expenses, so I guess they have selective memories. 🙂  I think they have the feeling of not having been deprived of something because they know the difference between wants and needs.  If they have a need, they know we’ll take care of it.  If they have a want, they realize that even if we have the money, we may not choose to spend it in that way – it has to be something we feel is valuable.   So the focus becomes on what the value of the purchase is, not our finances.

I feel it’s really important that kids feel secure in their parents’ ability to provide for them.  And this isn’t about how much you make, but the attitude you project.  I remember years ago we were living on a very, very small income – honestly, it was too small and very stressful just trying to pay bills.  Somehow the name Bill Gates came up, and my kids asked who he was.  So I said he was a man who created Microsoft and became very rich.  My oldest son was about 10 or 11 and he asked, “Is he richer than us?”   I said yes, he was even richer than us.  My son said in an awed voice, ‘wow, he must really be rich!” 😆

I’ve always tried to focus on all that we have, and this is particularly important at times when you really are tight financially.  You can always look at those who have much more than you and feel deprived, or you can look at all of those (most of the world) who don’t have adequate food, shelter, clean water – let alone all the extras we take for granted.  It may sound like something that works to tell a four year old, but none of us are too old to count our blessings.

If I would tell my kids we have $28 left in the bank or not would depend on if we had a savings account and if it was something that was causing me anxiety.  If I knew that we had some kind of cushion, I’d be very comfortable saying I’d spent the budgeted money for the month and am not willing to buy something with a credit card since I don’t have the money right now; they can see you’re being fiscally responsible and feel secure that you have savings of some sort.  ‘Not now’ is a different message than, ‘never no matter how needy you are’.  I routinely tell my kids that I have $x for food (generally a small number since I spend most of the monthly budget at the very beginning of the month) for the next two or three weeks, but I feel no pressure about it – in fact I enjoy the challenge! – and they know that we’re well stocked so that doesn’t leave them wondering if we’ll go hungry.  I wouldn’t say that if I had an empty pantry and my option was feeding them one meal a day.  If you literally have only $28 in the bank, I would absolutely not say anything about that – you’d be anxious and fearful, and so would your kids. Better to just say you don’t have the money right now.

I’m comfortable explaining that we have a limited amount of money and we have to make choices.  Everyone has some kind of financial limitation, so I don’t see this as an indication that we’re poor or something unique my kids have to suffer with.  In fact, I see this as an important and positive concept for children to understand, something that many kids (and adults!) nowadays don’t have much of a concept of.

Sometimes our children need help recognizing when they are making choices that limit what they get.  For example, if you can afford a certain item at a thrift stop this month (obviously in reasonable condition) but have to wait until next month for that item at the mall, and your children insist that only the mall works for them, then it’s not about you depriving them.  It’s about the choices that they’re making.  My kids enjoy going with me to thrift stores since I only buy good quality items in excellent condition, so their association with thrift stores is positive – they see it as a way to pay low prices for nice merchandise.  If I bought what looked like other people’s throwaways, they’d have different associations.  Also, they know that if I can’t find what they need there, I’ll buy it at a retail store, so I think that also affects their perception – it’s not like they have to take whatever I get them regardless of how they like it.

As our children have gotten older, they have some things they’d like and they use their own money to buy those things.  If they really want something and I’m not inclined to buy it for them, then they can get it themselves.  They work for their money and they’re allowed to use it as they see fit. But sometimes I put limits on this – for example, sometimes on our shopping day one particular child will request to buy junk food with his money.  I don’t mind if he gets a small amount, but just because he’s willing to pay wouldn’t make me more likely to get  processed breakfast cereals than if I was footing the bill – I just don’t see it as beneficial.

I understand that feeling of wishing you could give your kids more when you run up against a financial limitation.  Generally I feel like we can give our kids most of what they want and need, but sometimes we can’t and I feel a tug when I say ‘no’ to something I want to say ‘yes’ to.  As my kids get older, I’ve run into more of these situations.  I think that’s where the struggle is, when we feel we’re depriving our children because we just don’t have enough, that they really are deprived.  I said above that I’ve taught my kids to differentiate between wants and needs, and sometimes I have to remind myself about this.  Otherwise, we parents can always find something to feel guilty about!

Avivah