I’ve really been enjoying giving parenting workshops and sharing principles that have been so helpful in my own parenting journey with others, and am grateful for the fantastic moms who attend and keep me on my toes with their questions!  This week I’ve completed the second of the four week parenting sessions I’ve been giving, and this coming Sunday we’ll be starting our third session. 

I had been under the impression that parents are so busy that it would be too hard for them to participate in a parenting class that went on for a long period of time, so I set up my classes so that parents only had to commit to four weeks at a time, and planned to limit the entire series to 12 classes.  This was despite my personal preference to cover more issues with more depth, which obviously means more classes!   However, the women in both the Sunday morning and Monday night classes have asked if we can continue beyond the twelve week limit, which I’m happy to do since it aligns with my preference!   (I was also asked if I would give a separate set of classes about homeschooling, and another on marriage – but I really don’t have time to give more classes at this point in my life, and in any case, most of what I teach regarding parenting can be applied to husbands and homeschooling!)

Here’s some of what we’ve covered in the past eight classes:

• having a proactive approach, formulating a vision for parenting, understanding where you should apply your energy (circle of influence/circle of concern), and taking responsibility for the results you want to see in your life
• understanding where the source of your power as a parent lies, debunking the myth that parenting techniques are the answer
• importance of being the leader/authority for your children
• learning to change your thought patterns, reframing, visualizations, affirmations
• building the emotional bank account, creating homes of love and warmth nonverbally – power of touch, acts of kindness
• quality time – what is it, and how even busy moms can find time
• verbally expressing love, affection, the challenge of praise and how to give positive feedback and compliments to maximize the value

In the next four weeks, I’ll be discussing issues related to discipline – I’ve been promising this was coming and asking the moms to be patient and trust that I would get to it.  I needed to set a foundation in which parents understood how and why to build the critical relationship between parent and child before focusing on discipline, because effective discipline necessitates having a strong working relationship in play, or the discipline ideas could too easily be taken out of context.  So now we’re finally getting to it!   If you’re interested in joining either of our classes (Sunday mornings 10:45 am – 12:15, or Mon. 8 – 9:30 pm), email me for details so you can get started right away!   (Classes are $50 for 4 weeks, mothers only.)

I’ve been asked how I developed my approach, as well as asked to define what I mean when I say that I have a relationship-based approach to parenting.  The answer to the first question is that I’ve spent years reading widely and thinking deeply about parenting issues, and my kids got to be the guinea pigs while I tried philosophies out. 😆  Being around my children all day long for years as a homeschooling parent meant that I had a lot of incentive to do something more than just get by, since I couldn’t ignore issues or think they’d magically get better by sending them away for hours a day when I didn’t have to see them! 

I was frustrated that I wasn’t finding complete and comprehensive answers in the numerous books I read; so many recommendations seemed contradictory, and some things worked for a while but then fell short.  I didn’t like that parenting seemed so coercive and controlling, but I also didn’t like the lack of structure or guidance that authors who shared those concerns advocated.   I learned to evaluate what I read and to adapt concepts I liked, and to ignore the rest, pulling different things from very different places (not necessarily parenting venues).  

But  the main thing was I paid attention to how I was feeling about what I was doing, and how my kids were feeling.  That’s how every parent can assess if the approach she’s using is most effective.  Do you feel basically calm and at peace with how you handle daily life with kids?  Does it mesh with your intuitive sense of how you should be parenting?  Are your kids relaxed and happy?  Learning what ideas were best ignored took the longest time – some things that really aren’t good long-term strategies sound great and are very popular! 

About five or six years ago I settled into a very nice place that hasn’t shifted much, that has taken me through a lot of ages and stages, including several teenagers, and I’m very grateful to  be able to enjoy my children at a different level than I had previously experienced.  I really like them.  To do that, I needed to be able to effectively create boundaries while building strong relationships of substance.   I continue to be open to new information, and regularly assess and adapt – I think every parent will constantly do that, if she’s paying attention to the unique needs of every child – but they are small tweaks that still are based according to the same underlying concepts. 

The main challenge for me over the last few years became to understand why what I was doing was working, even though some things were counter to conventional parenting ‘wisdom’.  I had to look beyond my specific actions and identify what the underlying principles were before I could effectively share them with others to apply in their different life situations.  

I refer to my approach as relationship-based parenting because I’m convinced that the relationship between a parent and her children is critical and foundational to everything else that happens.  I’ve had plenty of times I’ve done things wrong, and what surprised me over the years was how unimportant those things ended up being, leading me to my conviction that if the relationship is in good shape, then everything can work out.  And if the relationship is wrong, then the best techniques in the world aren’t going to be of much use – you don’t have any true power.  Power is a huge responsibility, and claiming your parental power means understanding what it is and how to harness it.  That’s what I share with parents. 

It’s a holistic approach, and the women in my classes tell me that it’s different from anything else out there.  That’s probably because a) I’m holistic in my approach to life in general so my parenting is obviously going to be as well, and b) I share lots of things that have worked for me that aren’t traditionally taught in parenting classes, some of which don’t seem immediately to be directly applicable, but I’m sure it won’t surprise any of my longer-term readers that I feel everything is connected, and in the end, it really all does come together! 🙂

(edited to add – forgot to mention for any of you who don’t realize from past references here – the classes are held live in Baltimore, no phone options or recordings available at this time!)

Avivah