>>I am really struggling in my life with my relationship with a few people. I will have to say my nature finds it much easier to write them off and be done with them, but I don’t think that’s the right thing.  I know that I don’t have to be best friends with these people or even spend a lot of time with them, but I really struggle with my anger and frustration with them. <<

I’ve held off on responding to this for a while, since it’s been an issue I personally had to deal with pretty intensely fairly recently.  I was told by someone that I’m an abusive, cruel, unfeeling person, and that every single interaction we’ve had in the many years we’ve known one another is proof of this – it was shocking to me to see even the nicest things I’ve done for this person (and there were a lot) twisted into proof for her criticisms.

I had to work hard to find peace of mind about this situation – I don’t think this is something a person can resolve at a core level without the willingness to go beyond one’s emotional comfort zone, and though I’ve made a lot of progress, I think I’ll continue to be faced with challenges in this arena that will push me to grow to a higher level of acceptance for her.  What I’m sharing is what I’ve found helpful, but very much isn’t coming from someone who has ‘arrived’; I have to consciously work to detach when thoughts about what’s been said come into my mind.  With the Jewish month of Elul just begun, a unique time in which introspection and self-improvement is a focus, it seems like an especially good time to share some thoughts on this issue.  Additionally, I received two calls on this same issue in the last few weeks, and I think this is something that most of us have to grapple with at some time in our lives.

– I’ve found it helpful to realize that it’s really not about me and what I do or don’t do, even if that’s what is being expressed.  It’s about the person and their pain.  I have a tendency to think that if I just try hard enough, it can be worked out.  Sometimes you really have done something to hurt someone and an amends is in order, but sometimes, nothing you do will make the situation better.  In this case, I tried to empathize with her pain, then move on.

– It’s important to have healthy boundaries with people like this, who can be energy vampires; they suck positive energy from those around them.  Be respectful, be kind – but respect and protect your emotional boundaries.

– Don’t make the mistake of thinking that better communication is the answer.  Often in these circumstances, communication becomes a power struggle rather than an honest way for two people to clarify their thoughts and feelings.

– ‘What kind of person do I want to be?’  This is something I repeatedly asked myself when deciding how to respond to hurtful comments.  I sometimes felt a strong desire to respond in kind to what was done/said to me, but that would have been moving away from the person I hope to one day be.

– Don’t let others keep you from seeing the beauty in yourself.  When people are critical and judgmental of you, it can cause you to doubt yourself, to start to think that you really are the cause of the problems or difficulties that they claim are your fault.  They are entitled to their opinions, but they don’t have the right to keep you from shining your light out.

– Pray for them. If you don’t feel like doing this (I didn’t), pray for the desire to pray for them.  Prayer is very powerful and whether it consciously affects them or not, it changes your feelings inside of being a victim of their actions to being a person who rises above that.  A simple but powerful prayer that I first read in a book by Kay Sheppard is, “Bless them, change me”.  Ask for help in responding appropriately, for using this as a positive growth experience.

– Look for the good in them.  Everyone has positive qualities.  Find them, and focus on them.  It doesn’t take away the pain of dealing with difficult people, but it keeps you from being consumed by bitterness.  The more we focus on finding light, the more darkness we can push away.

Are there things you’ve found to be helpful when dealing with difficult people?  Please share them!

Avivah