Lately I’ve been thinking constantly about schools – primarily, I keep asking myself, what’s so good about them that justifies keeping my kids there for next year?
This past week we had all the things that people use as an example of how great schools are – school trips for a couple of kids, a major school performance for another one, and a school birthday party for another. I feel like I should be glowing over how lucky they are to have these experiences.
But I don’t. While I’m grateful for everything positive that they experience, I’m ambivalent. Because I know that despite good schools staffed with good and caring people, there are so many wasted hours at school and so little that is being learned, that the social structure is unhealthy and not supportive of developing strong social skills and abilities (unless you consider the ability to conform to be an important skill). I sat there watching the two hour performance of dd11’s grade, and I’m sure I was the only one in the large audience who was analyzing the value of being part of something like this against the much richer life that homeschooling offers, rather than just enjoying the experience.
I’m grateful for the school trips. Since we don’t have a car now, traveling with our family has become an expensive and limited experience, so we stick with local outings around town. I’m glad the kids can go to these fun places, especially since right now we can’t take them on those trips. And it’s especially nice when the trips are included as part of the tuition that is already being paid.
So here are my conclusions about why to keep kids in school: they’ll probably learn to speak Hebrew more easily; they have more access to same aged kids (though this is no guarantee of meaningful friendships); they sometimes have redeeming activities like the above. It’s legally and logistically easier for me. And I ask myself a few times a day, do these things justify keeping my children in an institutional framework that I believe to be inherently stifling to the spirit and to healthy emotional development?
(To be clear, my concerns are with schools in general, and this isn’t specific to our local schools. I think our local schools are quite good as far as things go, and am so appreciative for the warm and caring staffs at the religious schools our children attend. But schools are based on a framework that inherently is flawed and encourages mediocrity.)
I read this article a week or so ago out loud to dd15, and after hearing the list of things that students learn in a regular classroom, she said to me, “That is so true. Every single thing you read is so true.” Then she went through point by point and gave me an example of how she sees this in school. In case you’re wondering what we were discussing, here are some of the points that author Tess Bomac (who wrote about why she is leaving teaching to homeschool her child) made:
- “The rules are always changing, and since you never know when the teacher is going to enforce them, try to get away with as much as you can until she starts screaming. Then blame your neighbor.
- You don’t need to think about your education. The teacher will decide what you should learn, you’ll do the things that she decides matter, then she’ll give you a grade that represents how well you can follow arbitrary directions.
- While the teacher can make mistakes and move deadlines all the time, you will be penalized if you misunderstand the directions.
- Almost everything you learn is a measure of your docility, not your intelligence or your effort.
- Working with others is more important than learning actual content. Group projects, no matter how unfair, inefficient, and tedious are here to stay, and if you complain about it taking 10 hours out of class to make a collage that demonstrates 15-minutes worth of learning, tough. Life isn’t fair.
- Life isn’t fair, so thus it is okay for me to be unfair.
- Don’t question textbooks, even though most of them are riddled with errors and omissions.
- Learning is for school, school is painfully monotonous, so learning must be boring, too.
- Learning is for school, so once the day ends, you’re free to do whatever you find fun.
- Learning can only take place in hard plastic desks, in crowded classrooms, while being told exactly what to do.
- Nothing is more important than fitting in. If you don’t fit in, there must be something wrong with you. Maybe you should buy some more accessories? Try a different hair style?
- Reading in school? Are you crazy? We have to get ready for the state tests!”
That last point brings up something that happened today. One of the kids brought home a test that she was told she needs to take (she hasn’t yet had to take any tests because her comprehension isn’t up for that.) I had gotten a note from the school saying that this was an important school-wide test and everyone should urge their child to study hard so they’d do well. Her tutor took her out for two periods and went over the actual test with her, and gave her a copy to take home to study.
Since it’s all in Hebrew, dd11 doesn’t understand what’s written well-enough to read it and answer on her own, even though she knows the material. No problem – the test is multiple choice and so she’s memorizing the order of the answers for the twenty four questions. And not only that, but at least a couple of other kids from English speaking homes (who came a couple of years ago and are now fluent in Hebrew) were given the same test to take home to ‘study’, and they’re doing the same thing.
Dd asked me before she started memorizing if this was cheating, that she didn’t feel right about it. I told her it seems this is what the administration wants of her, so though it’s not meaningful learning, it doesn’t seem dishonest. But what kind of message is this about the value of education?? It’s crystal clear to her and all the rest of our kids watching this that this isn’t about her learning or understanding, and that whatever the purpose of this test is, it’s incidental to her.
As much as I’d love to homeschool all the kids under the age of 13, I seem to be in limbo about making a decision for next year. To a degree, that’s reasonable – I need to see how things go for the kids as they finish this year before drawing conclusions for next year. And it would certainly be easier in a number of ways to leave them in school, particularly as they seem to pretty much be doing fine – I keep telling myself, as long as the schools do no harm, then it is enough. But when I think of all the positive messages they could be getting by homeschooling, the emotional development and maturity that is supported without the external negative messages and pressures that need to be countered, the knowledge and skills they could acquire….my heart pulls at me.
So right now I have the discomfort of being in a place of indecision. Last week I made the decision that they’d definitely homeschool. Two nights ago I made the decision to leave them in school. There are some cultural realities here that I haven’t mentally resolved which are making this difficult, and I don’t feel much certainty right now!
You know what my only consolation is? I really come back to this one again and again. That the school day here is short so there’s still a good amount of time when they get home. And that most of the kids will have a nice long summer vacation.
Avivah
Avivah, welcome to my world! Been there, done that, still doing that. When folks ask about my kids, where they are, what they are doing, I say that one of my DDs is homeschooling at School X. People don’t get it, but really, what she is doing is taking it on her own terms with a HUGE grain of salt. She focuses on the classes/subject matter that really resonates and matters to her while doing the bare minimum in the other subjects. Still it is hard to navigate the tightrope between the homeschool mindset/lifestyle and the tough realities and expectations of school-school. Whatever you decide to do, I know it will be with a lot of thought and deep consideration.
I think of you when I think of the ‘do no harm’ attitude I’ve taken. The question I keep asking is, if they’re basically doing fine but aren’t developing all the things they could be developing also, is being in school really doing no harm? My kids are so much more appreciative of homeschooling now that they see what goes on in schools…
Wow, you’re convincing me Avivah. Today my very sweet dd14 got sent to the principal’s office for asking for an eraser. She and the other girl (both excellent students) were accused of “passing notes.” Since I know my daughter and believe her, I picked her up from school knowing we only have two more months of this “shtuss.” One of the teachers came up to my girl in the office and said, “only two more months dear.” Everyone knows how much narishkeit goes on, mindless busywork, and conformity. Dd cut her hair a certain way and 10 other girls have followed suit. I really want to liberate her from 4 years of high school (6 days a week). There is SO much more to life than being so docile, programmed, and confined into a building with an iron fence around it (necessary for security now). After two years of school-in-a-building, I miss the freedom we had hschooling and dd is seeing it now too. There is tremendous pressure and judgement on us both to send to the local high school. I’m ready to deal with it and just davening for dd to get on board too.
While you have cultural realities in Israel, we have social realities too. Dd will be much more socially isolated and that can be a big issue for high school. I trust that Hashem will provide just enough social for what she needs though. This is when we are called on to muster all our emunah and bitachon. Hatzlacha with your decision.
That’s funny, Michal, I haven’t even convinced myself! It’s interesting that everyone knows how little learning goes on in school, but it doesn’t seem to matter since (as dd17 told me), “The only reason anyone likes school is for their friends.” We can’t think of a better social construct for kids to interact with peers in a healthy way than school? I didn’t address this in school, but dd15 has shared her thoughts on how school is a really bad place to develop good social skills – the weak follow the strong, and the strong dominate everyone. So much for self-expression.
We also have the social aspect here of isolation, and it’s hard for me to weigh this without having been in the community long. It really seems to me at this point that everything revolves around the school, and if you’re not in, then you’re totally out – I can’t see any other way to socially be involved yet. It really is an issue and that’s a big part of why they may still stay in school (other than the language) – there are practically no other benefits.
Wow- I am really lucky here! While there are some things I’d definitely would like to change/improve in my kids’ schools (mostly, my daughter’s), I have been very happy so far. That. said- I never home schooled to know the difference (and my kids are still young- grade 1 and 3), even though the thought of keeping them home 9esp. my 3rd grader) came up more than once.
As I was reading through the points you brought up (didn’t read the whole article yet), I was thinking “how lucky I am”. My third grader boy is in a school which values individuality so much, learning from everything- not just classroom learning and is so warm that I can’t say enough of it. My boy started this school in the special ed class and I was very worried he’d stay stuck in it. The school told me that their goal is to move hime to regular class as soon as he can do it. This year is his first year in regular class, after lots of integration/ The extra work for the teachers (who have an extra assistant in their class because of my son), the warmth and help from the staff and classmates etc shows how much the whole system is geared towards the kids and derech eretz.
To put it in a few words his (strict) teacher said more than once “I don’t care if he learns everything according to the book- he’s got a lifetime to do that, I want him (and the other kids) to have good social skills, and like learning, because this is what yo really need to succeed.”
Natmichal, I feel very fortunate with our schools here – and that’s what makes it so hard, that even good schools fall into this pattern. They aren’t overly academically focused, there’s a lot of warmth and looking at the needs of the child…But the overall issue is the structure of schools; it impedes development in a number of ways and the things I quoted that dd commented on are all clearly seen in the higher grades; in earlier years you don’t see the differences as dramatically.
Well, maybe that’s not even accurate – when ds is in first grade, he’ll be expected to sit for most of the time and to focus on what the teacher is doing. There’s not really time for the critical emergent play that develops a child emotionally in so many ways – it’s a contradiction to have structured activities and emergent play. At home it’s so, so different – much more relaxed, much more meaningful learning, and lots of time for independently structured play. There’s a lot more to say, a book could be written on this, and it probably is really hard to understand how huge the gap is between schools (even good ones) and homeschooling if you haven’t experienced it.
That being said, it sounds like you have a great school there and if everyone is happy, then that’s fantastic!
I’d like to read your book on this subject Avivah!
LOL, Naomi – your timing was so funny! My dd just asked me a couple of minutes ago when I’m going to turn my blog into a book. As I told her, I have no thought of it anytime soon!
I would love to read a book about how I can give some of the benefits of home-schooling to my kids even though they are in school.
Edited to add…. while I am so happy with my boy’s school, the day I wrote my comment my daughter came home with a note saying, in short, that since the girls were doing so well in first grade in small classes, they were to be merged into 2 big classes 9read 37 kids per kids). Because that’s just undo the ratio to split them, we are paying for the smaller class this year, and now the head decided to stop this without advance notice…
This led to a long letter which I have yet to send with all the points which I have “accepted” so far. I am in a serious debate on what to do with my daughter next year, whether or not her class is merged . Homeschooling is coming up to my mind even though it would be a great jump for both of us and there is another (possibly) viable option .
What a beautiful article Avivah… I totally identify with what you say from my own school experience and I fear it will be the same for my girls.
Right now, my oldest is a boy in 1st grade at cheder and they learn so much it blows my mind. He just turned six and he can read, write and do arithmetic – and he knows Chumash Bereshis inside out! The social pressure aspect bothers me the most. But he seems to cope with it OK.
I’m much more afraid for my girls….
Hatzlacha in making your decision, wow…
Avivah
Baruch Hashem you have been blessed with so many wonderful years of homeschooling so you know the amazing levels you can reach. It makes it harder for you to accept this lower educational space.
But it sounds like your reasons for sending the children to school, especially speaking Hebrew, are still valid.
It is a hard choice. What ever you decide, I am sure you will make it work out well for your family.
Hugs
Nechama
Thanks for the encouragement, Nechama. It’s hard when things shift so dramatically that you have to reevaluate every aspect of all the choices you’ve made until now, and rethink them from scratch. But you’re right, there really are good reasons to educated them differently now, even if I mentally am rebelling at having to accept that.
Aviva,
I’m sure you know that it’s not easy to homeschool in Israel. Many hs-ers go stealth, but somehow got discovered by the Ministry of Education. I’m sure you’re in the Israeli homeschooling group. Talk to Sara Rivka Ernstoff or Louise Fox. I was on the list while I was in Israel and had my nasty experience with the local municipality head, but Sara was a great spokeswoman for me.
My solution was to place my kids in American accredited online schools to get off the MOE’s back. I’ve been wondering if you thought things out before you put your kids in school in ISrael. Once, they are in school, they continue to be tracked, unless they are in private religious schools which are not recognized by the MOE.
You can write to me offline if you wish.
>>I’ve been wondering if you thought things out before you put your kids in school in ISrael.<<
Yes, I did think about this at great length for months prior to our arrival, and then just about every day since then. As a proactive move, all of our school age children were enrolled prior to this school year in a recognized US umbrella oversight program before we even got to Israel, so that we would have 'real' proof for the Israeli authorities. My family is too large and my children too old to try to go underground; the likelihood of being reported would be very high for us. So I would have gone legal from the beginning and being tracked now is an annoyance but something I would have had to deal with anyway.