This morning I woke up and thought to myself, “If mothers knew before they had children what they signed up for – how many different needs they’d simultaneously be expected to deal with of children ranging across all age spectrums – they’d never sign up for this.” Sometimes the task of being a responsible mother for all of our children feels daunting. What I remind myself at times like these is that while I clearly can’t do it all on my own, there is a Higher Power who can and will help me if I just remember that I’m not expected to do it all, and I just need to ask for help.
You may be guessing that I have a lot on my mind right now with parenting. Right you are! One thing I was grateful for was that last night, before the newest issue that is giving me an opportunity to grow in new ways as a mother came up (and as a parent, there will always be something!), a different issue resolved earlier that same day. 🙂
That was a toileting issue of my soon to be three year old son. I started working with him on learning to use the toilet about seven months ago, and he immediately got the idea of urinating in the toilet. That usually is the harder thing for kids to understand, so it was nice that we were in for a quick and easy learning process. And we were. Except for the fact that urination isn’t the only p0tty learning that toddlers need to learn, and I was cleaning up stools daily that are much easier to deal with in diapers than underwear, every single day.
Since I don’t have a dryer and here in northern Israel, we had a record rainy season this year – I think it rained 29 days straight in January – this meant that I ran into an issue of not being able to keep up with my toddler’s laundry needs because it took two or three days for his clothes to dry on the rack inside. In light of that difficulty, I decided to put him back in diapers and start again when the weather got warm.
And that’s what I did, sometime before Passover. However, I was seeing the same issue with no end in sight. A friend told me a number of her children had the same thing, and the root cause was was an issue of the anal sphincter not being able to release unless they were in a standing position. I wasn’t sure this was the issue ds2 was having (I thought something about it was frightening or intimidating to him), but it was good to hear from another mom who understood the unpleasantness of having to change dirty underwear two or three times a day!
After feeling a bit frustrated by the mess and lack of progress on this front, I stepped back and asked myself what difference it really made if it happened sooner or later. Trusting that it would happen when ds was ready, I was able to let go of my desire for it to happen by the time he turned three and interact with him as I cleaned him up each time from a positive and non-pressuring place.
Side note – many times as a parent, you don’t see progress in a given area, and it becomes critical to reinforce to yourself your belief in your child and the growth process. Development won’t always happen when and how we expect it, but it will happen when the child is ready.
Not long after I shifted my attitude on this, I saw ds looking like he needed to go to the bathroom, and asked dh to run him to the toilet to sit there (I had someone else who was falling asleep on my lap, in case you’re wondering :)). He got him there in time for him to finish having a bowel movement on the toilet. This was the first time ever, and ds came out and told me what he did, feeling very proud of himself. We didn’t say much about it, other than telling him it sounded like he felt good about that – his toileting successes are his, and I didn’t want him to think it was about pleasing me.
The next day, he asked for help unbuttoning his shorts before going to the bathroom himself, and soon called to us to tell us that he was finished, and sure enough, he had done all his business in the toilet. The day after that, I was on the second floor of our apartment and without telling me until after the fact, he again went to the bathroom on his own!
So ds2 is now reliably bathrooming (I think I just made up that term :)) on his own. It was a good reminder that sometimes you think that something is going to be an issue for a long time, and suddenly – literally overnight – a child can move through a stage and be ready for a totally different level of readiness.
Avivah
Yeah! So glad to hear your progress. Thanks for the encouragement to have another try with my little one, with a better perspective on my attitude towards the process.
Yay for him! He’s so lucky to have you as a mother 🙂
(And I assume you mean you don’t have a dryer, not a washer?)
I just changed that, thanks for bringing the mistake to my attention!
And thanks also for the nice comment. 🙂
Three of my kids have gone through this exact same thing…taking months longer to figure ot the second part of toilet training. With all of them, as soon as I let go, they ‘just figured it out’ 🙂 Glad to hear everything is working out for you! Mazal tov on his upcoming birthday!
R, it’s interesting how much toilet training with children is linked to how much a child feels parental pressure. It’s really one thing they have full control over!
Not trying to criticize, but instead of going backwards and returning to diapers, why didn’t you just buy a couple dozen pairs of underwear?
It’s a fair question and not taken as a criticism: the answer is, because we don’t have a dryer, and despite having an ample amount of underwear (a couple dozen pairs) and pants (10+ pairs) for him, there came a time when despite the laundry being washed in a timely way, the heavy winter pants simply weren’t dry in time. We rarely turned on the indoor heat and I couldn’t countenance letting him run around in underwear without something warm on top, just for the sake of toilet training.
We did continue to take him to the bathroom to urinate when he told us he wanted to, taking off the diaper and putting it back on when finished. So it wasn’t exactly going backwards, more like dealing with the realistic limitations of the situation.
Avivah, so interesting to read how you balanced using diapers and maintaining the skills he already had. I have a 2yo who “wants” underwear, resists diapers, and understands how to produce in the potty. But we have so many puddles on the floor (3 in 2 hours yesterday) that I think she’s missing some key developmental stage. I don’t want her to regress totally by keeping her in diapers, but I can’t see how the constant puddles help any of us. And I’m anticipating the possibility of a regression in a couple of months when a new sibling is expected. What would you do?
If she’s not ready, she’s not ready. With my oldest, he would consistently be wet five minutes after I sat him on the toilet. Then I let go of it for a week, when I felt relaxed about it. It was amazing – he was physically and emotionally ready, and within a day and a half he was fully trained.
How many months is your two year old? It’s hard to say what I’d do, because I really try to clue into their cues and these can change pretty quickly, but I’m inclined to say I’d wait until about six or eight weeks after birth to avoid the regression and to give her space to not feel pressured about it (unless I saw clear signs of readiness and interest before this). But that’s if she’s closer to two than three.
Oh, OK. That does make sense.
Did you stop cloth diapering in Israel? Wouldn’t you have the same issues? Or you have more diapers?
(I’m re-reading this because I’m seriously contemplating toilet training my 2 year old instead of waiting nearer to 3 since I do think she’s ready and I do have a washer and dryer…by my first 3 I didn’t and waited till they were older and there were a lot fewer accidents…)
I left behind my cloth diaper stash, with the exception of a small amount of newborn diapers that I brought to lend to someone living here.
BTW, there was a beautiful write up on BJL about the Torah Homeschooling Conference and I’ve been enjoying the clips.
I just read it; it really was nice! I especially appreciated being able to see the clips since I very much missed being able to be there. Today they told me they’ll send me links so I’ll be able to view it all but until then, this is my glimpse into how it went.
just wanted to comment how much I enjoy your posts, and how much they encourage me as a new parent! Just had this same experience (except in weaning) with my almost 2yr old. There were reasons I’d hoped it would go quicker, yet wasn’t comfortable pushing it, and then B”H dd just decided it was time. (now after a brief rest, onto potty training;) Looking forward to more insights and inspiration in your posts!
Hi, Rose, welcome! It’s really the same process at work whether it’s weaning, potty training, or anything else – we have to let go for our children to move forward.