We’ve had some kind of virus that’s knocking out almost everyone in our family, starting from about two weeks ago. It’s been taking a long time to clear – maybe because one person gets better and then the next person gets it!
One thing that it’s really brought home to me is how much daily stress is created by sending ds5 and ds3 to gan. Being home with sick kids isn’t something parents usually consider a fun time, but this past week that the two of them have been home sick has been the nicest I can remember in a long time. Dh agrees. It’s been a relief to be released from living according to someone else’s schedule, the rush in the morning to get them out on time, the rush to pick them up and them coming home tired and out of sorts.
At this point in my life I’m living with a significant amount of cognitive dissonance – that means that there are choices that I’m making that I’m consciously aware of not lining up with what I really want. One of these is having my littles in preschool and kindergarten. There were good reasons for these choices, but some of those reasons have shifted and become less compelling.
Dh said he’d really like ds3 to be home with me, effective immediately. I feel the same way but I really don’t want to tell his preschool teacher and the cheder administration that he’s not coming back. For one thing, this is the same teacher ds5 had last year (she was teaching four year olds then), and I pulled him out at the end of February. She’s a dedicated and excellent teacher who has done a great job – I have only positives to say – and I don’t want to insult her. And I also don’t want to become known as the flaky mom who puts her kids in a framework and then pulls them out when she feels like it. So my ego/social needs and my need for integrity in how I live my life are conflicting – I don’t want to be looked at in a certain way, I don’t want to make others uncomfortable.
Then there’s what I do want: to help my children develop all parts of themselves, to have a strong degree of family connectedness, to parent according to my ideals rather than my fears.
Actually, this is the same issue I faced when I began homeschooling over twelve years ago. At that time, I had three children in school (2nd grade, kindergarten, preschool) who were all doing very well. But I believed that they could be doing better out of the school framework. However, I was really afraid of making a choice that would position me to be seen by others as ‘different’. It was a huge decision that took a lot of courage, and one that I often looked back at as one I was glad I made, that made a huge difference in what our family became. It’s interesting to be faced with something so similar at this stage, and yet the factors are all so different. It’s these factors that cause me to question and doubt myself – a new culture, a new language, a religious identity that is determined to a large degree by your degree of communal conformity…it makes what seems like a familiar decision entirely new and different – and that brings with it fear of making the wrong choice and failing.
This year I’ve been trying to see if it’s possible to raise school kids with the traits of homeschoolers. I reasoned that my kids used to do academics in the morning and social stuff in the afternoon. So perhaps I could consider their school hours their social time, and the afternoons when they’re home as our ‘homeschooling’ time. So far it’s been pleasant, but it’s clear that homeschooling isn’t just about teaching in a more relaxed manner, or your kids pursuing their interests, or spending lots of relaxed time together. There’s also the negatives of school that aren’t affecting them, which takes a lot of energy to moderate. I’ve known this intellectually for many years, but now I’m experiencing it first hand.
There’s always something to think about, but it’s been really nice this week to just enjoy how things are without needing to make any choices.
Avivah
I understand the pain of the morning rush and the afternoon pickup- been there, done that, still doing that. Mornings around here are really crazy, getting everyone up, dressed, fed, finding books, papers, etc. and getting to school on time. And the afternoon pickup, while not as stressful, can also be a chore. But I don’t think that those negatives- which all parents of school-age children experience, all over the world- outweigh the benefits of kids going to school, working in groups, playing with friends, and experiencing things they don’t get to experience at home (even if their mother is a wonderful teacher 🙂
It’s just a matter of perspective and values – my personal feeling is that what young children get at home is more valuable than what they can get in school. Some of the things you listed are just as easily or more effectively experienced at home – eg, playing with friends. The time to play at school is so limited and when the kids play with friends outside of school, they have much more time for relationship building interactions. I haven’t seen kids working in groups in a way that is skill building, though at the high school ages it does happen from time to time.
My kids are all in good schools with good teachers, but even in good schools it’s still institutionalized and can’t create the important relationship between the adult in charge and the child (critical in many ways and for many reasons that affect the social and academic experience), nor can they individualize according to each child’s needs. Often faced with classes of 25 – 35, teachers are working hard to manage a large group of children. This takes enormous effort; it’s a daunting task and one that I could never do well, but fortunately a parent at home only has to be available and attentive to the needs of a small number of children.
Oh, how I feel your pain! Yesterday, one of my kiddos did a halfway job on something I had asked them to do. So I asked them to revisit the situation and had them troubleshoot the situation. Yes, I was actually teaching critical thinking skills. Rather than tell them what they did wrong and what I wanted them to do instead, I had the kiddo look at the situation and try to figure out what went wrong and then make the appropriate self-correction. The feedback I got was stunning: Mom, you are making me feel SOO stupid. Um, say what? Seriously? If I had said, You shoulda, you coulda, you didn’t, why didn’t you….THAT would be stupid. The next words out of the mouth were: Yeah, I feel stupid, and you are doing just what teacher X did today when…..and then out came a story! Glad to know that teacher X (and Y and Z) are living in my kiddo’s head making kiddo miserable and making my evening hours at home with my kids a nightmare.
Rena, do you ever miss your homeschooling days?
All the time, every day.
Refuah sheleima to everyone….seems like whatever hit us here in Baltimore Chanuka time has gone to you, lingering virus that circulates in the family, but nothing major, B”H.
Thank you, LN! Hopefully it will all clear up soon.
it sounds to me like the decision in your heart is really already made and you just need for your head to catch up…like you said, you’ve been here before (QUITE successfully, i might add!) and it seems like you *know* what the right choice is… maybe that’s why your dh can see it with so much more clarity, because he is a bit more outside of the ego of it all? (not said in a bad way at all, just wondering based on what you said…). i read your post through 3 times to make sure i was correct about this hunch and then a 4th time to make this list. here are some of the words you use in connection with homeschooling: enjoyment, peace, relaxed, fun, nice, relief, connected, ideal, better, courage, glad. in connection with your kids in school? fear, stress, rush, tired, out-of-sorts, doubt. i’m sending love 🙂
Julie, this was an amazing point; thank you for taking the time to feel where I’m at and to share your perspective. Funny how things can often be clearer to those outside of the situation than to us in the situation.
Avivah can you comment on how a parent can successfully homeschool and give kids a proper Jewish education if neither parent grew up religious? I have always wanted to homeschool but don’t want my kids to miss the religious teaching the schools can provide and now am second-guessing myself and feeling insecure. Also I fear our kids will already have potential social obstacles to overcome due to their parents being converts so I don’t want to add on top of that the stigma of homeschooling….
I’m not ignoring this, Rina. It’s a big topic and I know I’ve written about it several times at length but I’m not sure I wrote about it here on the blog. In short, you can definitely homeschool but I do think there’s a value in your children feeling socially ‘normal’, so it’s important to have some way outside of school that they feel involved in the mainstream.
Dear Avivah,
Thank you for this beautiful post. I am so impressed by your fortitude in living with the “cognitive dissonance” – in being OK with and honest about being in the process and not having all your ducks in a row.
Thank you for sharing the conflict between “ego/social needs” and following your heart. It is like hearing what is in my own heart put into words.
I am the mother of little girl who is not yet two years old, and I feel uncomfortable when the talk in the playground turns to where people will put their children in gan next year – I want to keep her home with me.
Your posts give me strength.
Thank you again,
Chaya
I think it’s great to homeschool. I would love to do it. I live in Israel and I know no one who does it here and I’m not so patient with my kids, but I’d love to supplement on the side with them.
Hi Avivah,
I just read your blog posts starting back from October and feel as though I’ve caught up on your life in the past hour! Thanks for blogging.
The posts that interest me the most are those that deal with the school system and social circles in Israel. I remember the conversations we had when we visited this summer – especially your line about communities that dress like you, but don’t think like you – and vice versa. The more I hear from you, the more I figure out where we belong hashkafically in Israel. Thank you for lighting the way and being the one who goes in front and investigates the options. There is a special bracha for people such as yourself. You have my gratitude and my eyes are open for future posts.
Love, Batsheva Goldman
Avivah, So happy your son is home from hospital! Both my high schoolers are very happy with their schools but I so miss the old hschool days:)