>>My husband is a wonderful person. The challenge that I have in our marriage however is a big one. When we have deep and meaningful conversations he is all there and responds beautifully. He has helped me tremendously with personal challenges that I have had. However, on a day to day basis I am not able to communicate with him. Almost every conversation/encounter that we have during the day leaves me frustrated. The main source of frustration is his weirdness. He is SOOOO weird. For example, if I share with him that my supervisor came to observe me at work, he would reply, “Your supervisor? Supe supe supe go have some soup”. At that moment I feel like a deflated balloon with no interest to share any further. (I would simply like him to say, “Oh how did it go?”).
First of all, big hugs to you. This sounds like such a difficult situation! It’s natural to want the person you’re married to to be emotionally supportive and healthy. And as kind and well-intended as your husband is, his responses aren’t typical. How do you love someone who isn’t what you want them to be?
These are big issues and there are ways to address that but before going down that road, the road you asked me about, I have a different direction I’m going to ask you to explore. I’m assuming if your husband was like this when you were dating, you wouldn’t have been able to overlook it, so this behavior must not have been so prevalent then. You mentioned that it’s gotten worse over time. This leads me to wonder if there’s a biological component here that needs to be assessed. A clear diagnosis can be worth gold if it helps your husband get the help he needs.
Perhaps there’s medication that will be helpful. Perhaps there are other ways for him to address these issues with trained professionals. Is it possible your husband has Aspberger’s or something along those lines? If so, there will be specific ideas that you’ll be given at that time if you raise these questions about how to deal with your husband’s unusual way of communicating.
I hear in your letter that you’re a person who is willing to work on herself, who wants to have a good marriage and wants her husband to feel loved. And I think that it may be easier to love and accept him as he is, if you realize his quirkiness is coming from somewhere. Often when we are able to put our expectations aside, it gives us room to see the person for who they are, with their strengths and without excessive focus on their weaknesses.
Avivah
I think you’re on the mark, though i would suspect ADD. With ADD, symptoms are not consistent and the symptoms are easy to miss while dating when there are higher stress levels that helped his ability to focus. I would recommend that you focus on the areas that he excels in – perhaps having fun? or is he great with the kids?
i would also recommend that u compensate for his deficiencies with other relationships so that u dont only count on him for all ur needs and then get more and more resentful.
good luck! trained professionals should be able to help you deal with it and figure out what is going on.
Great suggestions, Chavi! I’m totally in agreement with finding other relationships to give her what she needs – a husband can’t be everything to a wife.
Sadly for my level of proper empathy, when I read the first paragraph my immediate reaction to my wife was, “This guy is so funny, I’d love to hang out with him!”
Well, I still think he’s probably fun to hang out with… I think as a guy I’d enjoy that type of tension diffusion as an icebreaker when I’m about to talk about something heavy…
But when I continued reading I started to feel the woman’s pain….
My wife’s questions: can he hold down a job and be normal in the world, etc…
My questions: Has the wife really clearly communicated that his stress coping techniques are causing her to think of him as “weird,” making her feel unheard, and making her lose respect for him… -is speaking to him four times over 7 years enough to give a man motivation to change one of his favorite fun personality quirks?
He probably doesn’t connect the wife’s distance to his behavior in any way at all.
Average man’s perspective: Women cry over funny things, she was probably menstrual, etc..
Before taking him to a psychiatrist and labeling him as the main problem, how about going together to a very good therapist (experienced in picking up real valid syndromes perhaps) and working it out together first..? That’s my take.
Shmuel, thank you for your honest male perspective! Your comment about him being a fun person to hang out with was a paradigm shift for me. You made a number of excellent points.
Sure thing… I think I’ll just comment some more then. 🙂
I think it’s also important to note that a marriage counselor/therapist is really key here, whether or not he has a serious disorder that needs working on.
If he doesn’t, well then the whole reality check is in order, and their marriage obviously needs work and communication help etc.
If he does have a major issue, and starts to work on it and improve, well they are still going to need marriage counseling.
The wife hasn’t been putting up with this the past seven years (besides talking to him four times, and only just telling someone about it, not a rebbetzin, rabbi, or therapist etc., but a blogger. You must be really good!) because she is completely free of issues. There is some “advantage” to her for being in this relationship. People only get together when they are at the same level of emotional maturity, on some aspect.
When he improves, the balance of the relationship may destabilize… unhealthy patterns may have been keeping things together, now new healthy ones must be formed.
It is therefore critical to go to a good marriage therapist, and the attitude should not be one of blaming him – adaraba, when it comes down to it, the only person you can change is yourself. I might say to him as her (If I was suddenly a self-aware woman) “I’m really experiencing difficulty communicating what I need from our marriage, and I feel I haven’t been giving you the type of love I would like to. It pains me to think you’re not getting what you need from your wife, and I’m really hurting too. I think it could really help us to see Whoever Guy marriage counselor. I heard he’s really helped a lot of people in similar situations to us,” type of thing.
Soup, soup soup, have some soup! Ha ha! I still keep saying that to my wife now.
I think Shmuel has made some really good points.
As a woman I also laughed when I heard the husbands comment and I can also TOTALLY relate to the wife’s frustration. Just from personal experience I can’t help but wonder if this is a coping mechanism for her husband, a way he’s dealt with life which might have been “hard”. A person can also gain a lot “maturity” from having a “hard” life. The wife mentioned that “He has helped me tremendously with personal challenges that I have had.” which makes me think he might actually also have a tremendous amount of maturity. Using humor, is sometimes as a response to an uncomfortable, difficult etc… situation and sometimes just to “lighten” up their life in general or that’s how they got attention as a kid, they enjoyed making me laugh.etc…..
It might not have come up as much when they are dating since people try to put their best foot, and/or their most normal foot first when they are dating. The husband is (hopefully) more comfortable with her and therefore feels more comfortable being his “real” self which includes making really annoying jokes.
It is possible that he has ADHD or something which makes it harder for him to control his urge to make jokes but a lot of people have a hard time to break a habit, especially if they LIKE the habit and are just breaking it for someone else.
Just some thoughts.
She can start calling him Souper Man!
This is how I read the situation.
The wife comes to her dh in distress.
Dh very much wants to help his wife, but feels anxiety at seeing his wife in distress. He then has to discharge his anxiety, and he does so via a verbal tic (this sort of outburst is usually involuntary, so without professional help its unlikely that he can stop it himself). Only then he’s ready to help her with her own feelings.
The wife feels like her dh isn’t really listening, or is mocking her distress. So of course she doesn’t want to talk to him anymore…
Find a good counselor (one who has imago training) and go. Your dh will probably need additional help with the tics, because it’s not really a functional way of handling stress (it’s ripping apart his marriage, one can only wonder what it’s doing to his career).
Both of you need to get help, together– but in the meanwhile, try to remember that his tic is just an energy discharge, and has no additional meaning. Wait for it, let him get it over with, and then you can move forward. (((Hugs)))
So many great suggestions and perspectives being shared! Initially I had planned to write a post when time allowed that would be part 2 to share my thoughts on what to do beyond getting the assessment, but your suggestions don’t leave me that much to say!
Hi, I was looking for some advice because my husband can be weird too. I could imagine him doing or saying similar things…
However I really appreciate his weirdness and having that in my life. Life is a lot brighter with someone weird in it. Sometimes he pisses me off too because of this behaviour but that is my problem and so i make it his problem, LOL! It is also possible he has aspergers…
but thats not why i am here, my family don’t like him much which is really sad. He didn’t get invited to my nieces supprise party organised by my sister. Instead – she invited my ex boyfriend and his mum (my sons dad and nan). Now I am so mad at her.
She is being disloyal to me because “he is creepy” It’s not really
My advice to you would be, find people you can have those conversations with that you can’t have with him. And just love your husband for who he is. My son is diagnosed with aspergers and he has taught me to not take words so seriously because sometimes some people just like being silly with words. Try being silly back, maybe give him a silly nick-name and let him know when he is winding you up.
Thanks for your comment, Eve! Having a positive perspective and appreciating the differences makes living with those differences a lot easier, doesn’t it?
Yes it does. It is really the judgemental people who affect me in a negative way.
I bumped into this discussion by accident. Well, I thought it was an accident but Hashem guides us on purpose. Although my husband does not make “soup soup comments” I feel extremely lonely in my marriage. Similar to the woman in your question. I could not believe how much I related to her situation. My husband and I were both brought up by European parents and are still wearing emotional armors to protect ourselves. I have been seeing a therapist for about 21/2 yrs. I am an extremely self-aware person who has become more articulate and aware of my need for an emotional connection. My husband promised me that he would NEVER go to a therapist! ( I believe that it is totally against his heimish culture and deep down it is so scary!) He is a great provider, very reliable, handy in the house, street smart and that is it! While he never claimed to be more, when we were dating, I need more of an emotional bond. He is totally unintuitive and will NEVER realize if I am in a bad mood or even crying unless a faucet would be coming out of my eyes! No, he is not a bad person. He would never hurt a fly he just doesn’t get it! I am sooo lonely it’s killing me. I know that people will say I should fill the void with friends. It’s not that easy to find genuine emotionally intuitive friends in your 50’s. Basically, in my opinion, we live like roommates. We talk about very mundane things like the weather, food, his business (not mundane just boring for me) family, social events. Never do we have a discussion of our goals, spiritual improvement/growth, our future, our feelings oh no! He is totally satisfied in our relation, I think. He never promised to be more/different than he is now. I “woke up” from my stupor, (based on my childhood) and realized that I am capable of giving more and I desperately want more. My question is do I have to invest in a marriage when he is not interested in investing? I suggested that we play the Ungame – a card game where people answer questions in order to get to know one another better. Oh no! He thinks it’s a horrible game! He claims that it puts people on the spot. ( I translate that into, he is terrified of being vulnerable!) What is my responsibility in this relationship? How can I solve my loneliness? Thanks for your time.
I’m in a similar situation with my husband. I saw the signs while we were dating but I thought it was just him being nervous about dating since he hadn’t dated anyone in a while. My husband says the weirdest things at the weirdest times, and when I’m having a serious conversation he does the same thing your husband does. I’m now noticing that he responds like this every time I talk to him. At times I will ask him what he means and he will say something like he didn’t know what to say, or that he doesn’t know why he said what he said. My family and friends all say the same thing “he’s super nice but weird”, how can everyone pick up on it, is it that obvious? I don’t mind a little weird, but its really affecting the way we communicate, and just like you it makes me not want to talk to him about anything serious. I have friends that can offset my situation by being that listening ear, but I feel that defeats the whole purpose of marriage. Isn’t your husband/wife supposed to be your best friend??? We are newly married Jan 2, 2019. I really want a strong healthy relationship with my husband but I don’t know if thats possible. I appreciate this site and everyones suggestions, the info on asperger’s really stood out. I guess therapy is the first step.