Almost three years ago, I visited Israel and together with my two older daughters went on a tour of the four quarters of Jerusalem’s Old City. When the tour was over, the guide left us near the outside entrance of the Arab market.  From there I knew how to get to the Jewish quarter, but decided to go through the Arab market instead.  Why?  Because I was so afraid and I felt I had to face my fear instead of give in to it.  I had just been through there with the tour group so if there was any time I was going to feel more comfortable, that was it.

My girls pleaded with me not to do it but I ignored them and strode through.  Once I did it, I felt I had overcome a fear that needed to be put into perspective.  By walking through I had proved something to myself and now had no need to ever do it again.  (By the way, last week I apologized to dd19 and last night to dd17 for making my need to overcome my fear more important than what they were feeling.  Neither of them have a strong memory of it and they readily forgave me.)

Yesterday I went to Jerusalem to spend the day with a very close friend who’s here leading a group.  She’s based in the Old City, so when figuring out my plans to get there, I was deciding if I should take the train or a bus.  Dd17 said it’s very easy to get there by train and I told her it makes me uncomfortable nervous because I don’t want to be anywhere near the Arab quarter.  She said it’s a bit of a walk from the train through until Jaffa Gate and everyone does it and it’s fine.

This was the first time I ever took the train, so when I got to the stop I confirmed that it was going in the direction of the Old City.  The woman said yes, but it’s a bit of a walk from the station.   No problem, I was expecting that.  We got on the train together and later motioned to me that my stop was the one coming up.  When the train announced the next stop was Damascus Gate, I thought there must be a mistake, but I looked at the woman and she nodded again to confirm it was the stop for the Western Wall.  At that instant the thought flashed through my mind: I’m going to stay on this train until the end of the line, get back on the other side to go back to the central bus station and take a bus from there to the Western Wall where I know where to get off.  It looked to me like an Arab neighborhood and I just couldn’t get off there.

But then I told myself to be reasonable and stop letting my fears overcome me.  I had a very limited amount of hours with my friend, and I was going to spend up to two more hours traveling when I could be there within fifteen minutes?  If dd17 could do this, so could I.  This is how everyone goes to the Western Wall and there are always a lot of Arabs in this neighborhood so I told myself to stop seeing danger where it didn’t exist.

I felt more comfortable when I saw a religious Jewish man get off at that stop, and asked him for directions.  He gave me some quick directions, telling me it was really simple.  I started walking but then told him I would rather follow him. This ended up being a very good thing, since dd17 later told me I had gotten off a stop too soon and this is where people are warned not to get off.

I don’t know my way around there at all so it was no surprise that nothing looked familiar to me.  I expected as we walked towards Damascus gate to turn aside in the direction of Jaffa Gate.  No.  We went right in.  I chose to continue to follow him since he knew where he was and felt confident, and the option was to go back on my own to the train where I had no idea where to go or what to do was even scarier.   As we walked through wherever we were in the Arab quarter, there wasn’t another Jew or tourist anywhere in sight (until we got to the very end of the Arab market close to the entrance to the Jewish quarter).   As I walked through crowds of schoolgirls in their headdresses, women in long black chadors and groups of teenage young men that I felt frightened to even look at, I was so uptight I couldn’t even take a deep breath to try to relax.  There was a young Nigerian woman who had asked him for directions right after me and so we followed single file after him, walking fast to keep him in sight as we wove through the crowds.  At one point I noticed an inscription on the wall commemorating a young Jewish man who was stabbed to death in that spot.

As we were in the beginning of our walk, I was thinking, ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’.  As we got further in, I started to feel really anxious and started repeating in my mind, “On my right side is the angel Michael, on my left is Gabriel, in front of me is Uriel and behind me is Refael”, a spiritual statement to form a protective barrier around you on all sides.  This was a hard walk for me, and I can’t tell you how long it took – to me it felt very, very long though it can’t have been more than fifteen minutes.  It took at least ten minutes after reaching the Jewish quarter that I was able to begin to breathe normally and start to relax the muscles of my neck and shoulders.  Just thinking of that walk even now in the safety of my  own home makes me tighten up all over my body.

So I met my friend and we chatted and went to lunch and went somewhere else for dessert and then she said, “So how about we go to the Arab shuk and see if we can find some jewelry?”  I was like, you’ve got to be joking.  I accidentally ended up walking all through that area this morning and I certainly don’t want to repeat that for fun!  So she said that I must have been deep in the Arab quarter but she’s not thinking of going there, just to the beginning section where there are lots of tourists and Jewish locals.  She thought it would be fun to look for jewelry together but didn’t want to go if it wouldn’t be enjoyable for me.  So I took a deep breath and in the bright light of the Jerusalem sunshine – which makes it easier to be brave – said, “Feel the fear and do it anyway!” and off we went.

Can I honestly say this was relaxing for me?  No.  But I did enjoy being with her and some of her relaxed attitude slightly rubbed off on me and I breathed normally most of the time.  It was much less frightening than my morning walk but not somewhere I would let down my guard.  Aside from security issues, I don’t recommend anyone shop there – I buy my own jewelry wholesale so I know their prices are grossly inflated – but we did find a pair of earrings for each of us, though we both agree that the pair she got for me is more awesome than the pair she got for herself.  🙂  

I was glad to be out of there, though.  And there’s no way I’ll make that mistake at the train station again, no matter how many people tell me it’s the right stop.

Avivah