I was at the park last week and met a mother with her toddler son. We chatted a bit and when she was ready to go, she told her son it was time to leave and he should come with her.
I watched her repeatedly over the course of a half hour try to coax him to come by saying they had a lot of errands to do so he needed to be able to walk there. Finally I asked her why she didn’t just pick him up and leave. She told me she was tired and didn’t want to hold him. I asked her if a stroller would make things easier for her, and she said she it was inconvenient to bring it. I carefully commented that for a tired toddler at the end of his day to walk the distance she had described to me was quite ambitious- my 4.5 year old would have a problem with it when he was tired!
She told me her husband doesn’t want her son to use the stroller anymore and insists that he walk wherever they need to go. They won’t pick him up when he’s unwilling to walk because they’re concerned it will teach him that he can determine what they should do rather than the parents doing it, and they don’t want him to become demanding and manipulative.
It was at this point that I asked her how old her son was since he seemed quite young to me. She said he started walking two months before and now at 16 months was a very good walker.
I try not to push my opinions on people and avoid giving advice unless its asked for or I sense it would be appreciated. I mentioned to her that at this age he’s still a baby and he didn’t seem to be disobeying but looked tired after a long day (it was around 5 pm). When I saw she was set on the idea that they can’t give in to him, I didn’t say anything else but smiled and wished her a nice evening when they finally left.
Does it seem to anyone else that the age our children are allowed to be children is shrinking?
This mother was afraid of her child being dependent and to counter her fear of his dependence she insisted he act independently. But our children are supposed to be dependent on us! They need to know we’re here for them, that we’re responsive to them and we can abundantly take care of them. It’s critical that they know we want to take care of them and we’re here for them and that we have the resources to meet their needs.
This is something that is so topsy turvy in our world – there’s too much focus on kids becoming independent. Kids need to be dependent, it’s an inherent part of their make-up and their dependence on their parents is healthy and important. If they don’t attach to a parent they’ll attach to someone else (usually their peers) but you can’t bypass this dependence.
It’s easier to make the call of when to encourage dependence when we know what the difference is between a child’s wants and needs. It gets confusing when we don’t know which is which, so we sometimes give them too much of what they don’t need and too little of what they do. It’s a learning process that we all go through and it’s an ongoing effort to stay balanced since the factors are always changing.
Regardless of who we or they are, our kids need lots of warmth, love, support and encouragement. We don’t have to be afraid that by providing them with their needs that they’ll morph into spoiled brats overnight. They won’t.
Avivah
I loved this post. After recently reading neufeld’s book, and learning more about it, I completely agree with everything you said. Before reading it, I would have agreed about a kid that age, but its older kids that I was sometimes worried about- when to push them to be independent, and when to encourage dependence. The real question is- at what age is it healthy for them to seek independence, and at what age will it just turn to dependence on peers…
we always used our kids strollers way after they started to walk. 16 mnth. old, thats still a baby. best of luck to her.
I wish her much luck… I do insist my kids walk on their own once they’ve mastered walking, but in our moshav only (where everything is close by and carrying the kid would not be a big deal for me), and not when the kid is tired/end of day.
Since the few times I am in town with kids I tend to be in a rush (attempting to go from a dr to a shop and get home on time…), I also keep the stroller close by till I know my kid can do it or if the place is really not stroller friendly- in which case I often have my mei-tay at hand. I did get stares when having a 2 1/2 years old in a carrier, but it’s way better than dealing with a stroller on a train and trying to rush with him running behind…
On a nother note, I DO make them walk whenever I know we have all the time in the world. I don’t know if this is the perfect recipe, but so far my kids are all good walkers 🙂
Amen! I’m all for dependent children. Let their youth longer a while… 🙂
Kerith! I had no idea you were still reading; it’s very nice to hear from you.
Er, “linger,” not “longer!” 🙂
I wonder if the child is a first born? I think, as parents, we can be more insistent and pushy with our first borns…maybe because we lack the confidence that everything will turn out ok? I think the more children we have and the older we get, the easier we are on them; we can see the forest for the trees, if you will. What kept going through my mind when reading this post was how short sighted the parent was being. And how impractical. I’m guessing she will learn very soon 🙂
Yes, it is her first! I agree that first time parents tend to be more performance oriented but then again, it’s hard to act from a long term perspective when every day is something new and you don’t have that perspective yet.
What this child is going to learn, is that if he doesn’t want to leave, he doesn’t have to. He can stand his ground, while his mom begs and pleads. He’ll get tons of very gratifying attention that way, too. By the time they realize this and want to go back to the stroller, he’ll throw a huge tantrum if they try to get him into it – and then he’ll refuse to walk again.
When you have a power struggle with a child, you will ALWAYS lose! Remember, they have all the time in the world, and no place in particular they need to be. They can wait you out indefinitely. You need to make being with you the most attractive place to be, so that when you’re ready to move on, he’ll want to be right by your side.
I don’t think my daughter ever, not even once, refused to walk with me. She may have whined that she was tired a few times, but she kept moving. It never even occurred to her to throw herself on the pavement and scream. I think a lot of that is because I kept her in a stroller until she felt like she was ready to give it up, much like giving up a pacifier. Once she had decided that she was a “big girl”, her pride kept her on her feet. 🙂
I often comment (to myself !) that it’s a good thing there’s no alternative to 9 months in utero bc , otherwise, there would surely be people saying “put that baby down or you’ll spoil it. She’s already been growing inside you six months already. Enough! You want to have a spoiled brat who thinks you’ll hold her forever ?!”
I find it ironic that as parents continue to push their children toward premature “independence” at earlier and earlier ages (pre-pre-pre-nursery, anyone???), there is a growing epidemic of adult children boomeranging back home to live with mom and dad because they can’t make it on their own for one reason or another. I know the economy is tough, but I really don’t think this is the only reason. Just throwing this out there as food for thought…