Chanuka was here, Chanuka is over… We made loads of doughnuts (150 for a community Chanuka party – dd14 was busy for hours!), lit many menorahs, spent lots of time together – all the kids were home and you know I love that so no need to say anything more….:) It was lovely.
The oldest three kids are back in Jerusalem, ds15 is back at yeshiva. His yeshiva recently held the yearly mivchan pumbei, the intensive gemara testing throughout the entire yeshiva. After completing a rigorous written testing, the top three students in each grade went on to compete with verbal questions. Ds was one of those chosen from his class, which is a big deal. When I spoke to him before the final competition, I sensed he was feeling some pressure and reminded him that none of us are putting any pressure on him to win. (He won last year, which was a huge honor and one that only once before had been won by a ninth grader.)
I told him that what matters to me is that he’s investing in his learning, doing his best and growing as a person, and he doesn’t need to win a contest for me to prove that he’s an amazing person. He told me he didn’t feel any pressure from our family, but it was coming from the rest of his yeshiva – everyone expected him to win again. I gave him some suggestions for how to release tension that might come up for him before or during the final competition.
When I got a call the night the competition was over, I saw on caller id it was from ds but he didn’t say anything when I answered. I said his name a few times, and when he finally spoke, he said in a choked voice, “Mommy, I won the mivchan pumbei again.” I got choked up, too. He continued, “It’s the first time anyone won it twice.”
If you want my tips on how to raise kids who are high achievers, I don’t know what to tell you. This wasn’t something I tried to make happen. I don’t push my kids; if they do their best and are good people, that’s what matters to me. All of our older kids have developed a strong sense of internal motivation, which is amazing to see.
It’s interesting because my homeschooling style is quite relaxed. But based on my understanding of extrinsic and intrinsic motivation, it seems logical that kids will succeed when equipped with basic skills and a strong desire to do something that matters to them.
Avivah
Wow! Avivah – what an accomplishment for your son and for your family! And for American olim as well!
Mazal tov!
Hi, Aviva,
I am just curious about how your sons learned Gemorah at all?
Did you hire a private tutor for them or did your husband teach them. How did they learn what most boys learn in school if you were homeschooling them?
Hi, Devora, nice to ‘see’ you here! In the case of this son, he began learning gemara when we moved to Israel and he started school. I’m not sure how much he learned the first year because he didn’t know Hebrew yet, so the real learning began when the second year he was in school, from age 13 – 14.
We hired an avreich for my older son to learn one on one gemara with him, and will be doing the same for the next sons if/when we find they need more time than what my husband has available (which I assume will be the case since he’s very busy). Right now my oldest son being homeschooled is 12 and we don’t yet need to do this.
I’m sparing you the long answer about cognitive development and why I think we push too much, too soon on our boys in yeshiva. 🙂 I don’t try to emulate that.
Thanks, Batsheva! And yes, it is a statement for olim since he’s in an Israeli yeshiva with very few Anglos.
Mazel tov- I am not surprised at all, but I hope you are enjoying every single bit of nachas!!!!
Thank you, Julie!
Mazal tov! Kol hakavod!! May you have continued nachas from all of your children. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks, R!
Mazel tov! That’s an amazing achievement!
B”H he’s so self motivated and well balanced!
Thank you, Chavi. I thank Hashem all the time for His kindness to me with regards to my children, I feel non- stop gratitude. A competition like this is just the icing on the cake.
mazal tov to all of you!
Avivah – I’d really like to know what tips you gave him for relieving tension – I often feel so stressed out by the “mivchanim” of my life (many of them self-set!!) and especially in the midst of ongoing life have trouble figuring out how I can best support myself and especially relieve the tension of expectation and pressure – would you be willing to share your tips in an upcoming blog post or point me towards them if they’re already in another post?
Many thanks!
In short, visualization and EFT techniques. I haven’t written about either of these but you can look them up. I specifically suggested he picture himself staying relaxed during the oral questions, and gave him a specific EFT technique for dispelling tension – it’s hard to explain this but you take four fingers of one hand and tap them against the base of the opposite hand (where you would karate chop someone). Also, taking deep breaths and keeping breathing even.
But this was specific to his situation; I would probably recommend different things for someone else. For you, maybe you need to look at all the things you feel you have to do and make a change in how you spend your time, how you think about what you need to do, etc.