Before I was even out of bed this morning, I heard my ds7 and ds8 arguing and it was escalating very fast.  I picked my head up from my pillow, called them into my room and then asked them what was going on.

My boys love playing with duplo type blocks.  I thought when I bought three sets of 250 pieces each to supplement the two starter sets we got, it would be the end of frustrations between them about not having enough pieces.  But clearly, 1000 blocks isn’t enough because now they build bigger and better things and there’s not enough for two boys to build equally awesome structures at the same time.

Ds7 informed me that ds8 got to build something yesterday, it’s his turn now and ds8 won’t let him take apart the rocket ship he made then.  Ds8 insisted he wanted to add on the remaining unused blocks to his rocket ship before ds7 has a turn and takes it apart.  Two boys who both wanted the same thing very much and were ready to attack each other over it.

I told them, ‘We’re going to find a solution that’s win-win.”  Before I went further, ds8 said disgustedly, “Fine, let him have them.”  I continued, “No, we’re going to find something that everyone feels good about.  If you let him have them right now, that’s called lose-win – you’re letting yourself lose so the other person wins, but it’s really lose-lose for everyone if you don’t both feel good about this.  We’re not going anywhere until we find something that both of you will be happy with.”

They were pretty close to blows and neither of them wanted to have a conversation, so obviously I needed to facilitate.  And this was the first time I officially introduced the concept of win-win.  There was some back and forth until it came down to this.  Ds8 said again he really wanted to add on to what he already build and ds7 can have his turn as soon as he’s done.  ‘Okay,’ I said, but how will you feel if as soon as you finish building, he starts to take it apart all your hard work?  He needs to take your project apart to have something to play with.’  (Because they like to enjoy their efforts, I made a rule that they’re allowed to leave it assembled for up to 24 hours.)

Ds8 said he doesn’t mind if it gets taken apart immediately, as long as he can finish his project.  Ds7 complained that ds8 was going to take too long and he didn’t want to wait half an hour.  I said to ds7: ‘Ds8 said you can take apart what he makes as soon as he finishes.  But you seem to be very impatient for your turn.  It’s not going to be fun for ds8 to build if he’s feeling pressured by you, and it’s not going to be fun for you to be waiting with nothing to do. Is there something you can do that you would enjoy in the meantime?  Is there any game or puzzle you can play with at the table that would be fun for you?’

My question reminded him that when we cleaned the playroom together yesterday, he noticed a puzzle he likes a lot but had forgotten about; he now said he’ll do the 200 piece Winnie the Pooh puzzle while he waits.

I reiterated to them both what terms they agreed on, and asked them if they both felt good about the decision.  Yes, they said.

Off they went to play.  Ds7 got engaged in his puzzle and ended up spending two hours putting it together, giving ds8 plenty of time to finish his project.  When ds8 finished his rocket ship, he decided to take out the small Lego blocks that he doesn’t play with often and make an intricate building project with that.  They went on to play together afterward for quite some time.

This afternoon two groups of boys were arguing at the park and I had a lengthy discussion with them to find a workable compromise.  The older sister of two boys involved watched me and commented afterward that her brothers are young and don’t understand what they’re doing.  I told her of course they don’t, that’s the job of adults to teach them.  Without adults helping kids develop healthy negotiation skills, inevitably the strong dominate the weak.

It’s not easy to step in to a situation like this and help your child find solutions.  And it’s much, much harder to help kids who have no experience with this way of thinking find solutions.  Children need to be guided in practicing these skills, again and again and again, and only then are they likely to come to positive resolutions on their own.

Avivah