On Friday morning, I had a long and satisfying talk with a good friend who I get to speak with far too rarely.

We’re in a similar stage of life – she also has three married children – and she shared how hard it is for her to see her married children making choices that are different from those she would make. These weren’t superficial choices, but things that were very close to her heart and her values. She stated very honestly that it makes her feel like she failed as a parent.

That night, we had all of our three of our married couples over. It was especially nice since it was my birthday weekend. True to our family tradition, each person shared something they appreciated about me.

All three in-law children mentioned that they appreciate that I don’t impose my opinions on them and give them space as a couple.  There’s a famous saying: “To be a good mother-in-law, keep your mouth shut and your purse open.”  While I’d replace the second part with ‘give without strings attached’, there’s definitely truth to this saying.

Establish healthy boundaries over the years. Learning to have healthy boundaries isn’t something that begins the day your child get married. As my children grow and mature, bit by bit I give them more independence and less active direction. It’s a gradual process. So it’s not as if I suddenly had to cut the ties and clamp my mouth shut after the wedding ceremony!

Remember how you felt when you were criticized. I’ve had the experience of being criticized for choices I’ve made as a wife/parent. While I now have no doubt it was well-intended, it was very hard for me to hear. It certainly didn’t enhance my positive feelings towards the person expressing his or her dissatisfaction with me.  However, I’m glad I had that experience because it gave me a perspective that is now helpful to me.

Recognize your child is an adult.  I’m very blessed in that we really hit the jackpot with wonderful people marrying into our family. I have tremendous respect for each of my married children and their spouses. Every single one of them are mature and responsible adults and I trust them to make good decisions.

Good choices aren’t about what you would do.  Good decisions aren’t those that are the same as what I would make, but those that are right for them.

My daughter-in-law asked me about a birthing option when she was expecting and knowing my natural-oriented approach said, “I know you think I should xyz.” I told her honestly, “No, I don’t think that. You have to do what’s right for you and no one else can know what that is. The ‘right’ choice is the one that is right for you.”

I shared this with someone who then objected, but don’t you have an objective position on one option being better than the other? Yes, I do, when it’s a theoretical discussion. When it comes to making a personal choice, it’s up to each person to do his research and then make his decision. And my role is to honor that.

(There is a limit to honoring the differences. When we discussed this at the table, I said that while I wouldn’t want to interfere with their parenting, I would definitely speak up if I saw something really concerned me. The question then would be how and when to share those concerns.)

Detach your sense of worth from your child’s choices – It’s important to not derive your sense of success as a parent from the choices your children make – ie, they do what I do, so I did a good job; they make different choices so I failed. This is where developing an independent sense of self-worth is critical – I can’t be dependent for how I feel about myself today based on what my children do or don’t do. 

(Or even if my children like me or not. That’s the subject for another post!)

Don’t volunteer your opinion. If someone wants my opinion, they can ask me. But the older I get, the less quick I am to offer my opinion even when asked.  I feel very, very strongly that what I do is right for me, based on my needs, my assessment of the situation, my goals. And therefore when asked I tend to stress that this is what I do.

When it comes to older children (not just those who are married), the less you give your opinion, the better. Believe me, they already know what your position is on just about everything by then without you saying it again!

Avivah