Last night a short video came across my Facebook feed of an amazing single mother of 12.
She had her first at 15 – her oldest is about 25, her youngest is 4 – she’s now 42. She’s in great shape, she’s so positive and she EXUDES energy. She has a super popular FB page, she speaks all over Israel inspiring others and she even has time to help others in unfortunate situations.
Her kids rave about how wonderful she is, how loved each one is, she’s so dedicated and so loving and so much fun. ‘After school today, we’ll go have a bonfire!’ Dance party in the living room with everyone! She loves to clean.
And she’s so nice and so honest and really inspiring.
Oh, my gosh, it was so discouraging.
Because after a few minutes of watching, a little voice inside asked, “Why can’t you be a fun mother? Why can’t you be more positive? Why can’t you be more organized? LIKE HER.”
Once that voice gets started, forget it. It just keeps going: ‘All my kids wouldn’t gush about me and say how I’m this incredible being who is just beyond amazing. And how there’s so much love that they never feel shortchanged by anyone else. No, my kids say things like, I’m not paying attention to them and the kitchen is a mess and why can’t I do more than I’m already doing in one area or another?
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There were several people who commented on my last post about how inspiring it was.
Then, a blog reader who I recently had the opportunity to meet in person emailed and commented regarding that same post, “Also I loved your post on schools. I see why I was so intimidated to meet you in person. On your blog you have all the answers. (or that is how I read it). Probably because you post stuff that you have processed.”
My partial response was:
“I find it so interesting that you read my blog as coming across as having all the answers. That’s so much not the place that I write from. I try to share my process and my doubts, as well as the resolution when there is one….
The nature of online reading is people tend to put others on pedestals and assume that everything is always organized, always happy, always confident, or whatever. But life isn’t always any one way, it’s shades of grays. “
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When I was younger and would do the ‘compare and despair’ thing, I would get lost in my feelings of inadequacy and sometimes wallow in that negativity. But with maturity and a lot of conscious work in this area, I’ve become able to reel myself in a lot faster.
Yes, I have triggers – like seeing this video late at night when I was really tired. That’s when I’m most susceptible to negative thinking. But I’m grateful I was able to pretty quickly reset from, “she does this = so should I”, to ‘that’s great if she’s always happy and organized and fun. It doesn’t make me less in any way.’ Only I can make myself less.
I have to note that she never said she’s always happy and organized and fun. Yes, that’s what they showed in this ten minute clip, but it was me who went ahead and kept building assumption on top of assumption! Actually, I’m pretty positive she’s be the first to laugh and say my presumptions aren’t true at all.
Can you relate to this at all? Have you ever read or watched something, and then imagined that person was always as wonderful as they came across in the article or video or blog post? Even though you KNOW that people are human??
So what’s the answer?
For me to say, ‘That’s her and it has nothing to do with me,’ is just the first step to slowing down the negative thinking. I also have to remind myself of my own accomplishments.
Not to compare, but to remember that I’m doing fine, working with my own strengths and challenges and limitations.
Avivah
Another great post! in today’s world of social media, I think it is much easier to “compare and despair” – everyone is always posting fun times, accomplishments etc. I think the answer is really our inner voices, I “talk to myself” ALL the time. Every one of us has to live our own lives. We can and should take inspiration from others but the “i can’t compete/compare: is just the yetzer hara.
Definitely the world of social media has made this phenomenon so much worse! Studies show that the more time you spend on FB, the more depressed and dissatisfied with your life you become. Because how can you not see the best clips of one person after another scrolling by and not feel like your life is pale and lacking in comparison?
I also do a lot of self-talk. I am enough, I am enough, I am enough. That’s a big one for me. Not to tell myself I’m amazing, but to let myself feel I’m enough no matter what.
Also, I remind my kids that there’s only one of them, and none of them are supposed to be like anyone else. Maybe that will be just a tiny voice in the world of comparisons that we all live in, but it’s something!
Your reply really struck me. I honestly can not believe that someone like you has to self talk ” I am enough” — you are so much to so many people, such an inspiration to so many of us. You are a trailblazer in frum homeschooling. You are a trailblazer in frum blogging. You are an amazing parent; you have great relationships with your children, with your spouse. You have taught all of your readers so much. I read your comment this morning and it hasn’t left me all day. I’m amazed that you would feel any inadequacy at all. And, your comment below about the magazines and only reading them in small doses … you could be one of the woman featured in any of those magazines (I’m a subscriber to all 3)!
R, thank you. Really.
Every one of us is just a person walking a path on this planet. The internal voice doesn’t shut off based on any accomplishments others may see – the feeling of being enough has to come from inside.
I see myself from the inside, I see all the things I want to do, I see so many of my limitations, frequently feel I’m shortchanging someone. I have to constantly shut down the voice that tells me what I should be doing. I know so much about so many things and I’m never, every going to be able to do a lot of those things.
I have to be very conscious to recognize unrealistic expectations, and to just try to be kind to myself and allow myself to be. Someone asked me a couple of months ago about what my goals are, and I responded that the more I work on myself, the smaller my external goals become.
I think it’s really healthy, it’s about meeting my own needs (or wants) and making time for me and saying no to other people much more. But it doesn’t look impressive.
I sometimes see people doing things that I have the potential capacity to do, if I would choose to invest my energies in that way, and some of those things look impressive. And part of me would love that external validation and positive feedback.
But I’ve chosen to invest in my family and that creates limitations at the same time that it creates opportunities. Maybe they can be present for their families and have those external achievements, but I’m not wired like that. I can’t be present on the inside and on the outside at the same time.
Parenting in a certain way creates its own bar – whatever kids grow up with is normal and taken for granted, and my kids still have unmet demands and dissatisfactions.
Hmm, another blog post masquerading as a comment!
This resonated very strongly for me. Thank you so much for sharing so honestly, as always. I get so much from reading your blog.
I’m so glad, Chanie! Thank you for letting me know it was helpful.
You are 100% right. My husband and I often say, “our business is our family”, meaning, we have chosen to forgo ‘careers’ in order to raise our family. We both work but work has never been our “full time job”, our family is. (We work as a means to support our family, not as a means of personal fulfillment). I’ve seen first hand the effects of the idea that a woman can be 100% to her job and 100% to her family, its impossible. For whatever its worth, I think being true to yourself is always the best way to be. In my book, you are aces 🙂
Parenting is unquestionably hard work, but my experience has been that the rewards of the time and effort I’ve invested have been more than I expected. It’s not perfect but it very beautiful and meaningful to me. My husband has friends who have been successful in other areas but no so much with their families, and there’s a sadness to that.
I recently read about someone who works with the elderly and said their main regret was not living true to themselves. I can say that so far, I don’t have regrets about the path that I’ve taken, that even when it’s been hard I’ve done what I believed in to the best of my ability. There’s a lot of comfort in that.
I saw this video also with the young mom and 12 children kn’h. It’s funny but I felt “jealous ” when I watched. she seemed to be on top of everything, kids, meals, and the kids speaking about an amazing mom. (which I am really happy for them that they are “me’chabed (honoring) their mom).
I saw a video a couple years back about a Mormon family with around 17 (or more) children. also they showed, how organized laundry, meals, bedrooms are, older kids watching and helping the younger ones. it frustrated me cause I wanted to see the real life. I wanted to see the mess, the loads that didnt get folded, the mess in the living/dining rooms. the kids fighting. I wanted to hear how maybe the mom needs a break/getaway to regain strenghth to be a healthy mom. I wanted to hear how things dont always flow easily. instead everyone stood in line for the pics. all the kids clothes were clean etc. . I guess we really dont get to see what goes on behind closed doors.
Rachelli, a few moths ago I saw a clip of one of these super big tv families who said, of course we fight! That’s just not the image the producers want to convey. I remind myself of this, that the families are being portrayed the way the producers want to portray them.
To make an hour long show, they need to film many many hours of living. And then they pick and choose, put it all together – and voila! – a perfect family. Yes, it can be inspiring and I’m not saying what we see isn’t real, but it’s only part of the truth.
I also want to know about the challenges, because that’s really what defines us. It’s not hard to be positive and believe in your kids when you’re well rested and they’re all acting like angels. But really, that doesn’t happen daily, year in and year out.
Years ago a young mother spoke to me about feeling inadequate and I spoke to her at length about how you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. I’m sure I’ve written about that here somewhere, I’ve spoken a number of times in my classes about that. I shared with her my own very powerful awareness that happened when my third child was six months old, and she thanked me so much and later told me it changed her life – for someone to be honest about the challenges and not feel she has to act like everything is under control.
I think that’s what we all want – the inspiration but that also comes from seeing the less beautiful parts and how someone deals with it. I’ve been thinking a lot about writing on this for the last couple of months….if time allows (that’s a big IF) I hope I can flesh out more thoughts on it.
Hi Avivah –
It’s so interesting you brought up this topic of comparisons and discouragement, because after I read your previous post I was thinking a lot about that. I guess for so many people, it’s a familiar feeling/part – and for me, to recognize that I’m not the only one by far who feel inadequate at times, is in itself helpful.
For myself, I try to screen how I’m feeling before I read many things. Even books about gedolim or great women can discourage me if I read them at the wrong time, whereas at the right time I would find them inspiring. Then if it’s the wrong time, I allow myself not to read them for now and focus on listening to my inadequate parts and what they need. Of course, just a simple conversation with a friend might also activate inadequate or self-critical parts, and that’s when it helps me to realize that I’m not alone with this, not the only one who feels this way.
Hi, Chaya Dina, I’m so glad to ‘see’ you here!
A friend periodically used to give me stacks of Mishpacha/Bina/Ami magazines, and on Shabbos afternoons I’d read through a bunch. By the time shalosh seudos came, I felt so down about myself. And I realized, I can only read those magazines in very small pieces. To read one featured woman after another and how everyone is doing all these amazing things was just too much for me.
I’m very cautious about all kinds of inspirational material. I read very fast and it’s easy for me to cover a lot of material quickly, but I’ve realized that emotionally I can’t process at the same rate that I read at. I do best reading when I’m well-rested, and something small.
While I read your post I thought about my thoughts about where I am holding and where I WISH I was holding in my life – which I guess is negative thinking! I was comparing myself to myself of old, or a self that is unrealistic for today’s reality. I think something important to stress is to stop and think of all our accomplishments instead – and hold on to it as a super power tool to keep going tomorrow.
I felt pretty accomplished today. Then I started to read about the mom in your post and my thoughts started to wander…Really I should be focusing on the small accomplishments I did have today because they are great. This inspired some positive self reflection.
Liat, thank you for your comment and your honesty.
You’re right, comparing yourself to where you want to be – or think you ‘should’ be – isn’t going to make you a happier, more content person!
There are many things I wish I could do. And then I have to stop and look honestly at my reality – my time, my energy, my family responsibilities – and ask myself, is that really something I should be doing? I feel the most important thing I can be doing now is to be kind to myself and treat myself with compassion.
That means creating more generous margins for myself, more time to rest, more unscheduled time between activities. I used to have a ‘to do’ list that just never ended, and many of those items were discretionary.
Today, I think a lot more before I put something on the list, because I have limited time and energy, and if I do more in one area, it’s going to create an imbalance somewhere else. So I try to recognize the trade off and consider if it’s worth it before I commit myself to it.
This has actually been a huge challenge for me, to do less and let myself feel okay with it. I’ve made some conscious shifts from the beginning of this school year to allow this. This looks like not getting much done, and I’ve really had to exert myself NOT to do something. It honestly doesn’t feel good but I believe if I can recognize the space in myself and not need to fill it with activity, it will allow me an opportunity to grow in a deep way that I can’t do when I’m filling up every minute. It’s really not easy for me, though.
As I’m finishing sharing this, I’m thinking this response was long enough to be a blog post of its own!