I was lying in bed, unable to sleep and I had to finally get up and write here.
I was thinking about an irony I’ve noticed : the more I have to say, the less I write about it. Why is that? What changed from when I shared so freely on so many topics? Why now, when I have just as much to share, and much more life experience and confidence, do I so often feel reticent and even avoidant?
There are a few factors – but a big one is, it doesn’t always feel like a friendly or safe space anymore.
Several years ago, I began noticing that when I wrote on certain topics, people who had never commented or even visited my blog before would speak up in very strong terms disagreeing with me. They were atypical of my blog readers, and I didn’t understand why they bothered reading my blog or commenting. If you don’t like it, just move along – there are plenty of other places to read things you agree with. If you’re here, you’re going to get my perspective.
I would later learn that what I was experiencing was happening all over the natural health blogosphere and was known as ‘astroturfing’. This is when people are paid to surf the internet looking for certain keywords and ‘seed’ the comment section of a blog with hostile comments in an attempt to discredit the person writing.
Then about three years ago, my kids started shidduchim. I always knew that day would come and wasn’t afraid of anyone reading anything I wrote. After all, I’ve been true to myself and figured anyone who read would know who I am and what I’m about – I’ve never tried to create an image or portray myself or my family differently than we are.
I had assumed that what I wrote would be read in context, but soon experienced how hurtful it could be when strangers would look through years worth of posts and pick out details out of context. It didn’t happen that often but it was enough for me to feel very wary.
Just being a blogger was enough to end one shidduch suggestion! The other side was very interested in my son, until they did research and learned that I have a blog. Don’t you know the Agudah came out against bloggers as anti-religion and mockers of all that is good and holy? When the shadchan told me they said no because ‘you’re a blogger‘, it was like she was saying a bad word.
Even little things could be seen as a big deal. I once mentioned to a shadchan (who has no internet access and has never read my blog ) that I had just been baking bagels with my kids for an activity and she did a double take – ‘Oh, wait, you eat whole wheat? So you’re, like really into health food?’ I heard the mental gears spinning in her head as she reevaluated our past conversation and reassigned me to a different ‘box’.
I thought I would share openly again once my oldest three were out of shidduchim, but that hasn’t happened. Because once you shut yourself down, it’s not so easy to open up again.
I’ve watched through the lens of social media as people have become more disrespectful, hostile, and even hateful towards those who don’t share their opinions. People seem more and more to be looking for echo chambers rather than to dialogue with others of different perspectives from a place of mutual respect.
It takes courage to share one’s thoughts honestly. I was unable to sleep as I asked myself, have I written less from a place of fear/ lack of courage(bad), or from a place of honoring my own changing needs (good)?
‘To thine own self be true’ – that always resonates for me. How does that play out day to day?
As with so many things, the answers are subtle. Writing should serve the writer just as much as the readers. My personal feeling is that I need to listen to what feels right for me at that moment. What is one day motivated by one thing can be motivated by something else entirely on a different day.
No answers to share tonight, just some of my swirling thoughts. 🙂
Avivah
I have never heard of astroturfing. That’s horrible and I’m so sorry you were subject to it.
In general though, I feel that in the Jewish community there is much more openness and acceptance than 10 years ago in regards to having an online presence.
I wonder if the objections you are hearing are connected to your living in Israel.
Whenever you are ready and comfortable sharing your thoughts , I always love hearing them. You’ve taught me so much.
I agree with Kaila. I enjoy your posts.
Thank you, Sara, and welcome!
Thank you for your response, Kaila! It’s so helpful for me to hear from readers so I don’t feel I’m writing into a vaccuum.:)
For some there is a perceived difference between having a blog and a website. At the time, even though I was bothered by the response, I knew it was just a way that Hashem was helping people who weren’t a good fit for our family self-select out. My son ended up marrying a wonderful girl whose parents told me the first time we met how much they appreciated my blog!
I understand your reluctance to share when even your children are judged by your actions. I also know firsthand how unsafe and unjust the internet can be. What I do want to say is thank you for continuing to put the needs of your readers and those that rely on your advice in the equation to continue. Your blog has seen me through many dark days of parenthood and I know there is a new generation that will greatly benefit from your knowledge. Your blog is valued and appreciated by parents around the world.
Jan, your comment coming from an experienced mom is especially encouraging for me! Hearing that things I’ve shared have been helpful is the biggest motivator for me to continue to write. 🙂 Thank you!
I dont post often but want to say please share and write. You are a voice of sanity for me and I’m sure many others. Even this post resonates and your healthy response and musings not only inspire but empower and invigorate. I love your voice of sanity and perspective-its a breath of fresh air!!!
Ooops. And I forgot to say I am sorry for the online bullying and judgements experienced in real life!! Its so painful!!
Maybe thats why I selfishly want you to continue- and appreciate this post. Unfortunately, speaking for myself- having to deal with that narrowness and judgement- the discomfort and pain is alleviated by finding soul sisters however far away.
I’m rooting for you and am a big fan!
I have to tell you, that after I wrote this I almost deleted the entire thing. I thought to myself, this blog post has no point and is going to be of no interest to anyone. Many times I’ve written blog posts and then not published them, and this was almost one of them.
I was taken aback to see comments on this post, because I didn’t expect them at all. Let alone such nice comments! Thank you, Perele, I really appreciate your comments!
I’m so sorry you had to experience so much negativity! I have “only” been reading your blog since about a year before you made Aliyah, but I really enjoy it and have gained a lot from it. I appreciate you sharing your experiences, advice , and menus! I hope you’ll continue to share as much as you feel comfortable with. ❤️
Wow, so you’ve only been around for the last 8.5 years! Not so long. 🙂
It’s very humbling that people have been reading my thoughts in my little corner of the internet for so long. Thanks for being here and for speaking up!
I’ve been with you since 2012 and am a big fan of yours. Please continue inspiring us, you are amazing, Kol HaKavod.
Thank you for sharing that, ZM!
There is so much I want to say about this post. I read it when you posted it but couldn’t “neaten” up my thoughts enough to post. I’m not sure I have worked through my thoughts on this but I figured I’d post before I forget because I don’t have a lot of free time to work through my thoughts these days 🙂
The first things I thought of when I read your post were:
1) didn’t you post (a long time ago) about a woman whose blog you followed until she stopped writing because people accused her of being untruthful because her life was filled with wonderful things and people didn’t believe her that she was writing honestly?
2) I hope you don’t stop writing – ever !! I, personally, have gained SOOO much from reading your blog. I’m pretty sure I have read every single post. You have taught me so much. You have kept me going at times when I felt like I was going to lose it.
3) I’m sorry that so many people are so busy trying to put everyone in a ‘box’ – so much of life is multi-dimensional that it doesn’t even make sense to ‘box’ everything.
4) It is good that HaSh-m is in charge of shidduchum and not us. There is so much we don’t know and so much we can’t know; I’m glad we are not in charge. To have someone dismiss your whole family because you blog seems so silly!
5) I’m sorry you had to deal with rude comments from people who use the cover of the internet to treat others poorly.
6) Please please don’t stop writing and sharing !
((Hugs))
R, you are almost frightening in how much you remember of what I’ve written!! 🙂
I think the nature of people is to want to categorize others, it makes them feel safe to be in the right box and even better when they can put others in boxes. It feels powerful to KNOW who is in and who is out, who is good and who is bad, who is right and who is wrong. Life is so much richer when we embrace the grays and the edges, and most importantly, when we own who we are and live in alignment with our inner voice. Recently I was talking to a couple of my married kids about this, my belief that you have to be true to yourself and if you do what feels right in your heart, even when it’s hard to be different, you’re going to find fulfillment.
Shidduchim was a wonderful growing opportunity for me, to let go of what others thought of me (and that really wasn’t easy!) and to stay focused on being the person Hashem wants me to be. I can’t tell you how much I love and respect all my kids’ spouses – they are just wonderful people and seeing how things worked out with each one created its own kind of encouragement to ignore the pettiness.
As far as the internet giving people a chance to say things they’d never say in person, I have huge concerns about how this is impacting our global society. People are becoming less kind. We become what we do. As far as posting, I know that anything I write can be shared anywhere and picked apart by people, and that’s not a good thought.
Thanks for the encouragement to continue writing; reading all these unexpected comments has been so rejuvenating! It puts the negativity into better perspective.
Avivah, I am not as prolific with words as you are! I can only write that I have enjoyed reading your blog since I found you (right before you made Aliyah) . I wish I had found you earlier so that you could have impacted my life and parenting skills even more th4n you have. You’re right, it takes courage, sreength ans self awareness to write truthfully. PLEASE DONT STOP SHARiNG YOUR INNER THOUGHTS! We need your presence in the blogosphere.
Thank you, Ofira! I don’t know how much is left of the blogosphere, honestly, and sometimes I wonder if I’m communicating in a way that isn’t reaching people anymore. Hearing from readers that you’re really out there and reading is awesome! Of course I see the number of people reading in my stats but when there’s not much of a response it feels like talking to myself. 🙂 And I already know what I think!
I agree with all thats said above, please continue writing from your heart, I love the realness in your writing the day to day insights from just regular happenings in life it gives so much inspiration!
Hi Avivah,
I’ve been reading your blog for a few years but have never commented (I think? I’m very settled in my status as a lurker). But I just wanted to say, I’m reading and I appreciate every word that goes up.