I love sharing the principles of healthy relationships, and understanding these ideas and integrating them in your family life will dramatically cut down on conflicts and difficulties with your children. Parenting can become much easier than you have previously experienced. No question.
BUT.
To say that if you do it right, parenting will never be hard is a lie.
That is because no matter how much you know, there’s one big potential issue in every challenging interaction between you and your child.
YOU.
Right. You, the person who gives significant amounts of life energy to raise tiny self-centered beings into productive and contributing members of society. You, a person with feelings and opinions and a desire to be loved, respected and appreciated.
If you have even one child of any age, you’ve probably already learned that your child’s focus isn’t on letting you know how much they appreciate all your hard work and love.
They may even – gasp! – act in ways that indicate they feel otherwise.
And that is hard. Feeling rejected, unloved or unappreciated by these children you have poured yourself into is hard. Very hard.
But because you’re a parent, you’re supposed to act like an adult. That means finding a way to honor your needs and boundaries at the same time that your child still needs your love and acceptance.
This is hard, hard inner work.
The challenging situations I’ve faced as a parent have always forced me into this work.
The external situation: “How dare you roll your eyes at me, disrespect me, talk to me/about me like that?”
Is it okay for them to say these things, to do these things?
No, it’s not okay. Sometimes it’s extremely not okay. But you can’t make it about them. This isn’t about finding someone to pin the blame for your bad feelings onto.
You know, feelings like, “It’s not me that’s a bad parent, it’s this spoiled, entitled (you pick your personal preferred adjective) kid. I’m fine, he’s the problem.”
To appropriately respond to your child and guide him means that you have to reach deep into yourself, and take responsibility for your own sense of being valuable. And only then, you can give them the guidance and direction that they need.
Avivah
This is so true! Can you share more about the inner work and how to go about creating appropriate boundaries and how to remember to act like the adult! It is very challenging some (lots of) times!
Same here! Especially when you have a teenager who knows you well enough to hit you exactly where it hurts the most.
Hmm, the inner work…I don’t want to ignore this question because it’s important.
There’s a lot involved in that but I can’t point to one book to read or one class to attend or anything like that. For me it’s about awareness and application and that means falling again and again because it’s not easy to change. I have to remember to look back at where I was to see how much I’ve changed because day to day it can seem like nothing. As a result of my work in this area, I’m SO grateful that my kids’ emotional set point is much higher than mine was at their ages. That doesn’t mean they don’t/won’t have their own struggles, but they are starting in a different place than I did.
How to remember to act like an adult: practice, practice, practice! Seriously, like anything, the more you do something the more natural it becomes. I am way more patient and calm than I was years ago, much less reactive than when I was younger. There’s no magic formula. I’ll think about this more and put it into a formal post!
So right on! Love your recent posts! They are so real and raw
I would also like to hear more on this. And also, especially with older kids, I feel like there is a place to occasionally communicate that we parents are also human, with sensitivities and feelings, to say, “I felt hurt when you spoke to me in X way or said Y to me. I would appreciate it if next time you try to do it differently.”
Hi, Chaya Dina! Yes, there’s definitely a place to say something to your kids but it’s only effective when you first can put aside the hostile feeling you may have.