Yesterday morning I took ds15 for a quick shopping trip in Tiberias for some much needed pants – in his first time using a dryer himself at school, he shrunk all of his – before zipping him off to the bus station.
On the way home, I drove past the Kineret (Sea of Galilee), which is the typical route for when I’m doing errands in Tiberias, and thought what a beautiful day it would be for a trip there.
When I got home, I spontaneously asked ds13 and ds12 if they wanted to go swimming in the Kineret. (Remember the ‘littles’ on my blog, the three youngest children of nine, who were born within three years of each other? Both ds15 and ds13 have passed me in height – I’m 5’9″ – and the youngest of them turned 12 last week!) They were delighted at the offer – it’s the first time I’ve taken them this season – and we had a wonderful time together, along with ds4.
Here’s a valuable thing to understand that I want to share: when you offer something unsolicited to your child (or anyone else), regardless of what it is, it’s appreciated much more than when you give them the same thing after they’ve asked you for it.
If the boys had asked me to take them to the Kineret and I had agreed, they would have been appreciative and we all would have had a nice time. But because I initiated the offer, it became a significantly bigger deposit in my relationship with them.
When someone does an unsolicited act of kindness for you, you feel your needs are understood and considered by them, that they care about you. Think about this yourself. If I ask my kids to clean up the kitchen or take out the garbage and they do it, I appreciate it. But when they do it with no request from me, it’s so, so much more appreciated! It shows me they thought of me, they noticed my needs or preferences, and wanted to be of service to me.
This is true of the smallest things. If you offer your child something to eat when he comes in, it’s more meaningful than if he asks you what there is to eat, and then you give it to him. If you tell a small child you’re watching him go down the slide, rather than him having to ask you to look at him and then you watch, it’s a much more satisfying interaction for him.
This is a helpful thing to understand, because we’re so often giving to those around us, but they aren’t perceiving our actions as deposits. You’re not doing anything more than you would have done otherwise; the shift is in the timing and that is what transforms a regular action into something perceived as an act of love or nurturing.
Avivah
This is actually so relevant to me! My husband and I were thinking about summer vacation, and how we usually wait to the last minute to figure it out, while the kids are already off from school and asking about our summer plans.
And we do want to do something, we always do, but we were just talking about how much nicer it would be if we had our plans all ready and set up, and maybe even do something earlier in the season before it gets so crowded and busy everywhere.
I think I’ll talk to my husband about this idea, that we would present it to them before they even ask about it! I’m getting excited just thinking about their reactions 🙂
I’d love to hear what happens, Kaila!
So true! Thanx for sharing this thought!
Thanks for your comment, Rachelli! It’s nice to know you’re still here. 🙂
I planned on a certain gift for my kids and then their school offered it with a promotion and they asked for it and my whole desire to get it for then sort of disappeared.
Isn’t it interesting how significant our emotions are when it comes to giving and receiving gifts? I’m very aware that I feel pressured if someone asks me about getting them something more than once, but I’ll happily spend the money getting it for them with one low-key request or without being asked at all.
This is a similar dynamic to incentives and prizes being used to get a desired result – it can backfire and leave a person less motivated.
May I just say that I am so very grateful to have you back on a more regular basis? You’re depositing into my emotional bank account. My thoughts and my relationships are impacted by your writing. Seven children and many grandchildren later, I’m still being reminded of how to make the most of every connection I have with them, thanks to reading your blog. All of our “Littles” may indeed be big, but the mothers are still growing, too. As always, Jan
Jan, the deposits in the emotional bank account goes both ways! You’re depositing in my account with your feedback!
It’s so true that as mothers we continue to grow, regardless of the age of our children.
This is so, so true. Logical and obvious yet I never thought of it. Your post inspired me to set up our balcony pool on a hot day earlier this week and my children were thrilled!