I said I was going to share more about frugality, and I will, but I’ve received a couple of emails with important questions that I want to respond to first. I’ve edited out specifics below, as I think this is a question many people have with their own personal slant.

>>I am so grateful to be out of “emergency” mode but lately I’m finding myself confused about some things in living, maybe it’s just that I’m having a few minutes now to process what happened.  You’ve shared different challenges over the years ….  I feel nervous to think that life can get back to “normal”. I feel like there is no such thing as normal.  Did you ever feel this way? Someone said to me that if we got through this, then we know we could get through anything, that sounded nice but the truth is I really don’t feel like having HaShem raise the bar, I think I’m only realizing now how hard this year was, and maybe a bit more traumatic than I want to admit. While it was happening I just kept putting one step in front of the other and stayed focus on what was needed in the moment to get our family through. I feel that the only sense of inner peace and calm comes with living with bitachon, no matter what life is going to send next.  To know it in our hearts, not just our heads.

Anyways I was just wondering if you could relate to these feelings.  My world definitely expanded ….my husband and I feeling stretched to what seemed impossible limits…. BH it’s good to have some of the intensity subside but I still feel a bit on edge and I’m trying to understand why so that I could move on and live more in alignment with how I think HaShem wants of us. <<

I can relate very, very much to these emotions. When you get used to living in extended crisis mode, it’s not natural to return to regular mode without a conscious adjustment. There’s an inner wariness, a guardedness, fear that something could happen again. Your body, your mind, your hormones are all on alert.

Our first few years of aliyah were one long stretch of ongoing challenge and while in my head I would tell myself it would get better, it was getting better – in my heart I was waiting for when the next shoe would drop.
(See my post here on my conversation with my naturopath seven years ago.)

Sometimes it’s enough to have some time to slow down, breathe deeply, and experience life without the heavy weight of life stressors to shift back into ‘safe’ mode. If this feeling passes within a relatively short time, great. But for me, I became aware I had internalized a certain amount of trauma that kept me from feeling safe even when the threat was removed.

About seven years ago I began my inner exploration of this issue. I slowly recognized that I held on to this thinking because it was my safety net when ironically, it was the barrier blocking me from feeling safe.

I had some beliefs that were subtle but I’ll try to explain it. I was looking at the world as a cosmic measuring scale. Into every life some rain must fall, right? There was a certain amount of suffering that I had to experience. If I let myself enjoy something fully, the ‘good’ side of the scale would be heavier – and that would mean something else negative would have to happen to me to balance it out. If I kept myself from fully enjoying the good, then it wouldn’t be counted as something good, and wouldn’t trigger something bad. Does that make sense? It was self-protective.

I could only fully enjoy the good in my life by learning to let go of the fear that something bad is around the corner. That’s meant internalizing what faith and trust in G-d mean, experiential learning that continues to this day. I say He’s always taking care of me, but do I really feel it?

I also had some anger I pushed down and didn’t want to admit to even to myself, anger at Him for putting me through some of the things I experienced, things that felt off the scale unfair. Yes, I knew I was growing, I knew everything G-d did was for my benefit and ultimate good – but I didn’t feel the love. I finally expressed that anger, which was very hard for me but also very important. It cleared the air in our relationship, so to speak.

For now, be kind to yourself and recognize that you’ve experienced a huge trauma, and it’s going to take time to let go of that tension that you’ve been holding in without realizing it. Get as much sleep as you can. Lots of relaxing music, time outdoors, meditation, and positive affirmations were – and continue to be – very helpful to me.

Avivah