On Shabbos I saw someone who upon learning that our daughter’s wedding was two weeks away, exclaimed, “I can’t believe it! How can you look so relaxed when the wedding is so close?”
Thankfully, I’ve been blessed with the ability to compartmentalize and mentally and practically break down big projects into doable steps, and when I do that, things feel very manageable.
Last week I was feeling uncertainty regarding specifics for the Shabbos sheva brachos that we will be hosting. On Wednesday or Thursday I decided where we’ll have the meals and worked out where all our guests would stay. It was a relief to have that finalized in my mind; I had been going back and forth and was mentally feeling worn down by the uncertainty.
Since I’ll be doing all the cooking and baking, I asked my husband to pick up a used freezer from a private seller on his way home from work, which he did on Thursday night. Having the ability to prepare some of the foods in advance will be helpful. Even if I don’t make anything ahead of time, just knowing that it’s a possibility is reassuring!
I made and canned pickled peppers so they’re ready and shelf stable, and am considering making some other pickled salads/relishes that can be made and canned in advance.
I made pickled tilapia for the first time this fall, and our family has liked it a lot. I’m planning to serve it for the third sheva brachos meal, so started a batch a few days ago. Since it’s a ten day process to make it, you have to think ahead if you want to have it. It’s worth making a large batch since it keeps in the fridge for weeks.
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I need to take two of our boys to buy new suits, but otherwise I think we’re set as far as wedding clothing. I did all the other shopping online and was very satisfied with how easy and affordable that was. Time is precious and I’m so glad I didn’t have to run around trying on gowns as I have in the past. The challenge with shopping with the boys is that they’re on opposite schedules so I haven’t yet managed to get them coordinated for a shopping trip. At this point I’m thinking I’ll be better off taking them separately.
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This week I had an evening of appreciation for mothers at the younger boys school. There was a full catered meal, a singer and a stand up comedian. It was nice to see other mothers, and I would have loved to have spoken with them more, but the volume of the dinner music being played made it difficult. I don’t like having to lip read. Nonetheless, the staff really invested in making it an enjoyable evening out and it was a lovely evening.
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Later today I’ll be traveling to a Jordan valley farm to hear Joel Salatin speak. Joel is probably the world’s most famous regenerative farmer, and I’ve followed his work since we were living in the US. I was excited to see that the date he was speaking didn’t conflict with the week of the wedding. It will be two hours of driving and then three hours for the lecture, but I’m really looking forward to it. I’m taking my thirteen and fifteen year old sons, in addition to giving a ride to a few women. My husband was planning to attend but decided that there’s a lot to do now and he doesn’t have the head space to dedicate that time. He’ll hear all about it from the boys and me in any case!
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Tomorrow morning I have a Zoom call scheduled with several foster care social workers. We were very tentatively approached at the beginning of the week about taking a foster child in. He and a sibling need a new placement; a family in Yavneel agreed to take the sibling, so they’re looking for another Yavneel family to take him to facilitate the continued connection of the siblings. My first reaction was absolutely not, it’s just too busy right now with the wedding in a week and a half, then Shabbos sheva brachos, the two days later is Purim, then preparations for Pesach, then tons of hosting for Pesach.
We haven’t ever requested additional foster placements but when something comes to me, I ask myself what Hashem wants of me, and try not to discount something just because the thought of all the effort is daunting. I spent a good bit of time on the phone yesterday with our social worker, wanting to understand what is involved with therapeutic foster care. It’s a very different scenario than what we’ve dealt with in the past. Right now we’re exploring what’s involved, and not ready to make a commitment of any sort yet.
Years ago when I was developing the systematic steps of the Leadership Parenting approach, I integrated what I learned from the work of Dr. Karyn Purvis, whose expertise is on parenting foster and adoptive children (this was prior to me even considering fostering). I loved her work so much (even more than Dr. Gordon Neufeld, who I’ve referenced more than once and who has had a major influence on my thinking about parenting) that I seriously thought about traveling to Texas to study with her personally. Sadly, she passed away before that happened. I was very inspired by her deep respect and understanding of children from ‘hard places’, as she calls them. Thanks to her teachings, I have a decent understanding of the post trauma issues these children deal with. Without this I’d be too intimidated and overwhelmed to consider the possibility.
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For a very long time I’ve dreamed of restoring a piece of barren land using permaculture principles. I never could see how it would be possible, but Hashem is much bigger than I am and He has sent us the amazing opportunity to develop two or three dunam of agricultural land. I can’t say how bursting with happiness I am for the opportunity. We don’t have ownership of all the land but the owners have given us a lot of leeway to plant it as we see appropriate, and we’re making the investment in terms of labor and materials cost.
I’ve been spending a lot of time looking at the land, thinking, thinking, thinking about what to do, while learning about different permaculture strategies and considering how/where to apply them. It’s a lot of thinking right now about what the vision is, how the land will be used, etc, and I don’t yet have clarity on all of that.
We’ve spent the last month focusing on putting up fencing. I think in the next couple of days we (meaning my fifteen year old) can finish all the fencing. It’s been getting done here and there, whenever it worked out for both of us to go out there. Then this week my son made a big push to get it all done. He’s like me, he enjoys seeing significant progress being made and gets a little impatient when things are moving at a snail’s pace.
Once the fencing is done, what will be left to finish enclosing the property will be installing a large gate across the road that leads to the land. For weeks I’ve looked for a used gate of the right dimensions, and finally found one. I made arrangements for someone with a trailer to pick it up for us this evening. Then figuring out how to install tracks and supports will be a another learning project.
So that’s some of what’s going on this week!
Avivah
That is quite the roundup! So many different things happening all at the same time.
Your “tone” sounds busy but not overwhelmed , I’m glad you have things worked out. Mazel tov and hatzlacha with all the wedding preparations, and all the rest of it as well
You read my tone right, Kaila!
I don’t know if I have things worked out, but I trust what is not yet in place will continue to work out, and have found that staying calm is the most important aspect of enjoying making a simcha.
Wow sounds absolutely awesome! How do you find out about all these different lectures? And other permacultural opportunities? And mazal tov on the upcoming wedding!!!!
It was such an amazing talk! My boys really enjoyed it, as did I. Joel is inspiring, knowledgeable and a genuinely nice person.
When I left social media a couple of years ago, I was concerned that I wouldn’t be in the loop and hear about things. I’m now dependent on others hearing about something and thinking it’s something I would enjoy, and then letting me know about it. I’m sure I miss a lot but I don’t really worry about that – there’s only so much time to participate in various activities! And I’ve heard about enough to very much enrich my life. Sometimes I think it’s good I don’t hear about it all, because I want to have time to integrate what I learn, and if I was busy learning about the next thing, I wouldn’t be able to do that.
In this case, someone from the herbal conference forwarded me the information, and a day later someone in my community forwarded me the details as well (she wanted to know if I was going so we could drive in together, which we did).
Avivah, you are an inspiration. I love what you said about not turning things down (even though you have very good reasons to do so) without considering if it is what HaShem wants from you, but at the same time you aren’t jumping in without full consideration. Mazal tov on the wedding.
Thank you, Susan!
I work in child welfare and have read your blog for years so I don’t have to remind you to center yourself and your family and respect your boundaries (heck you’ve taught me about boundaries!).
The Israeli system seems to be less overwhelming for families, but complex kids in therapeutic homes in the US typically have a constellation of providers around them. The system can be more overwhelming than any behaviors or needs of the child.
I wouldn’t worry about even my most difficult kiddo in your family’s care. I’ve had a really good foster family have to refuse a child recently because, after a trial, it was too much for another child in their care. I guess that would be the only “advice” I’d pass on that foster agencies don’t always mention. The difficult behaviors resulting from trauma can be traumatizing and destabilizing for other children in the home.
All the best as you continue to think about the situation! Please don’t hesitate to email me if I can answer any questions (unlikely given how different the systems are).
I very much appreciate your comments, Anne.
The concern you brought up is my biggest concern. On Monday night at the school event for mothers, I corralled the school social worker, who is excellent. I told her about the call asking us about a therapeutic placement, and asked if she had specific concerns about ds10 and ds6. Her main comment was that the two of them are unusually connected – much more than what they see with other siblings at the school – and to be protective of that.
My husband and I have talked a lot about how to create a safe space for our younger boys, so they don’t feel their parents’ attention has been stolen from them. It would mean being much more structured than I’ve needed to be for a few years.
I’ve talked to my teens about the challenges that we’re likely to see, and will continue to have the conversation with them as we get more information.
I know that social workers aren’t going to tell you all the details of how hard it will be. I have a pretty good sense of how very demanding bringing a traumatized child into the family could be, which is why my instinctive reaction was to say no.
However, I don’t like to make decisions from fear so I’m going to continue to gather information. 🙂 I’ll be speaking with the social work team in an hour, and will see what they have to say.
Thank you so much for your offer to help, I really appreciate it, Anne!