Since the twins have arrived almost a week ago, I’ve been musing about perceptions, judgments and the conclusions we come to about people.
Our social worker has checked in a few times to check how things have been going. Honestly, it’s been really good and going much more smoothly than we expected; she’s been surprised at our positive feedback based on what her understanding of the children was.
In the different meetings I had with the social workers and the short term foster mother, I gleaned as many details about the twins as I could. It was a daunting description.
Now that we’re having our own experience with them, my husband and I both are surprised at the many discrepancies between what we were told and what we are seeing in our home. Here’s a list of some things that so far haven’t been accurate to what we were told:
- They’re picky eaters, won’t touch a long list of foods – but – they’ve eaten everything I’ve served at every meal and snack, with no pressure. Several times I’ve served a food they tell me they don’t like, and I tell them that’s fine, they don’t have to eat anything they don’t want to eat. So far, almost every single time within a few minutes they ask for a small serving. And then they keep eating more! (I’ve also told them they can have as much or as little as they want.)
- They’re destructive, you can’t leave anything around them because they’ll destroy it in a moment – they’ve broken and ruined the best quality toys and games, every single one, every water bottle – nothing is safe in their presence. But – while I’ve sometimes had to redirect their use of different items, they haven’t broken anything. They can be quick to get into things and I can see how with less supervision they might use things in a way that you wouldn’t want them to. Since we stay close by and interact with them all day long, that probably has been a big factor in them not getting bored and resorting to breaking things.
- It’s going to be really difficult for them without television and they don’t like to play outdoors – they asked where our tv was when they saw the picture of our living room, one time when they got here and once since then. But – since arriving, they’ve filled their days productively, much of the time playing outside.
- I asked if they liked books – I got a snort and was warned they’ll rip them all to pieces and again, about the need for tv. But – I read to them before bed every night and they love it; they ask appropriate questions and sit quietly while listening. At their request, I read the book once sitting on one’s bed, then read it another time sitting on the other’s bed.
- We were warned dfs5 is terrified of dogs and he’ll freak out when he gets to our home and sees our dog. But – within an hour of arriving he was stroking our dog. By the next day he was kissing and hugging him. He is constantly looking for our dog, stroking him, telling him how much he loves him – it’s a good thing our dog is very tolerant because it’s a bit suffocating. It’s clearly very therapeutic for dfs5, though.
- They fight constantly; they were put in separate bedrooms in their first foster home because they bothered each other so much they wouldn’t go to sleep. They were seated at different tables not facing one another when they ate so they wouldn’t see each other and not allowed to talk during meals. The court liason determined that it would be better for them to be separated and put up for adoption individually than fostered by one family. But – our approach isn’t to use separation as the sole tool for children who aren’t interacting well with each other, but to teach them to interact with each other respectfully. We try to give each of them a lot of attention so that they don’t perceive the other as competition for what they want to have. While they sometimes get upset at one another (usually because one takes the item the other wants), overall they’re getting along well.
- One of them is ‘obsessed with food’. Recognizing the need to be reassured of food security, I plan three meals and three snacks for each day and I let them know what we’ll have and what time we’ll be having it. If I were staying somewhere, I’d appreciate knowing what was planned for meals, wouldn’t you? I don’t consider asking about what will be served, when, as obsessive.
- One has an ‘obsessive need for closeness and touch’. We give a lot of hugs and physical touch throughout the day before they ask for it. I believe this preempts what may have been constant requests for what wasn’t offered and was infrequently given (I know they each got a hug before bed, I don’t know about during the day). I don’t interpret it as obsessive for a five year old to want to sit on your lap or snuggle next to you when you read a bedtime story.
- One has an extremely low IQ (borderline mental retardation). I wasn’t overly concerned about that when told about it, knowing about neuroplasticity and how the brain grows with use. I was confident we would be able to bring this up substantially, but after meeting and living with the children, I don’t think the evaluation was accurate at all. I see no evidence of dramatically compromised intellectual functioning (though there’s unquestionably compromised emotional development). I wonder what happened the morning of the evaluation – was the child well-fed, well-rested and relaxed; did the child emotionally connect with the evaluator? If a person doesn’t feel safe, the brain isn’t going to be online.
Each of the times the social worker called to check in, she asked me about a specific behavior that is of particular concern to the officials. I told her I haven’t seen it even once since they’ve been here and asked how often it usually occurs. She didn’t know. They had made it sound like it was constant when they talked to me about it. I suggested since they said it’s a stress related behavior, maybe he’s not displaying it because he has a lot of ways here to self-soothe and release stress?
I was given a description of two very difficult children that no one was willing to take on. The way they were described now seems to both my husband and me as harsh and inaccurate. We think they’re both sweet children.
To be fair to those who described them, they detailed how they acted where they were and maybe if they went to a family who parented differently than us, the descriptions would still be accurate. However, I ask myself, what was the worldview and expectation of children of the person who described them?
Avivah
I am so happy for these kids that they ended up in your home. I can’t help but wonder how many kids are suffering unnecessarily who are not being cared for properly. Did you see the documentary “Spellers”? It’s about a method of communication for non-speaking people with an autism diagnosis and for these young people, their lives changed drastically once they were able to communicate and people stopped underestimating their abilities. While this is obviously different from your foster kids, it sounds like they were grossly underestimated.
I didn’t see the documentary but am familiar with the phenomenom. I read reviews for JB Handley’s book written together with his non-verbal son using this assistive technology when it came out, and JB shared about how it changed their lives and relationship to recognize the intelligence that had been previously trapped inside.
It happens all the time that people are misjudged or have lowered expectations of them. I’ve thought about this often with kids with T21. BH our kids have done great and while I know people would tell us we’re very lucky (and I’m very grateful for where we are), I do believe a big part of is believing in a child’s capacity before you see evidence of it.
Wow, those ARE harsh descriptions! I was especially taken aback by the way they used “obsessed.” I mean, an obsessive need for closeness?? Of course a child’s greatest need is connection – any child’s! Obsessed with food?? You are so wise to make their days predictable and rhythmic and to offer plenty of meals and snacks without pressure to eat what they don’t like! Perhaps these sweet children are being understood for the first time in their lives since they entered your family! You view them compassionately, and understand their behaviors through a trauma lens. My dream is that more parents, caregivers and professionals in Israel could have access to your wisdom, and could learn about TBRI and Dr Karyn Purvis.
What’s interesting is that foster parents here in Israel get very little training, if any, to prepare them for the situations they’re going to encounter. We’ve taken time to do our own research and preparations, which has been very valuable but I do wonder about a foster family who doesn’t have that background understanding.
I simply can’t stop thinking of this tremendous new reality in your home, and home of unconditional love in ways that cannot be described.
These children struck gold.
We feel it was a win-win for us all. It’s a lot of work but we’re enjoying them.
I am so happy you can keep us updated. I am also thrilled that your husband was able to take off time from work. I am sure both of you working together will be setting a strong foundation for the twins. I am sure the other foster parents did the best they could but this is such an interesting story how you were told so many negatives, and the children are acting more positive. Love and a strong foundation can conquer all.
I’m really grateful my husband can be home. I wouldn’t be able to be ‘on’ all day long without a break, and the twins aren’t comfortable if they don’t see one of us at all times. As it is when I take a nap, dd has to come in and check that I’m there, waking me up to touch me or talk to me.
I agree with what everyone says. And I’m reminded of some posters hanging up in my school-one says something like the child who needs the most love asks for it in the most unloving way and another one says something like be the teacher who says when given the “hard” class says they aren’t the hard kids, they’re MY kids.
These kids obviously needed love and are so fortunate to have you!
And about the dogs-dogs are very therapeutic. Libraries have programs where kids who aren’t the best readers read to dogs because the dogs are good listeners and non judgemental.
D, you’re so right about the power of expectations.
Ds5 seems particularly responsive to our animals, and I’m so glad we can offer him those opportunities.
What a great post! People will try to tell you this is the honeymoon period but the longer I work in child welfare the more I’m convinced not every kid has one. I think that’s even more true when the caregiver always circles back to the why of a behavior.
I don’t want to minimize, say, the difficulties children with RAD experience. But there has to be a balance in honest reporting and the weight of expectations.
I’ve wondered if we’re experiencing the honeymoon period, Anne. I suppose as time goes on we’ll be able to look back and see.
I wonder how they could have reported anything differently, since they didn’t see anything different. They did tell me that in spite of the long list of daunting descriptions, that they were sweet children who wanted to be good.
I think a lot has to do with perspective. You are a positive person and looking at these special children with an ayin tova and with a loving heart. Not sure if others had that same outlook towards them.
I agree with all who said they are so fortunate to be with you and your family! Wishing you all much hatzlacha and healing.
I’m so happy that things are starting off well. It seems to me that these really ARE difficult kids, in that there isn’t much slack when dealing with them. Things have to be just right, and only then will they be ok. What you and your husband are doing is doing an amazing job of doing is handling them just right. This is bringing out their best, which was not showing with others (it would be interesting to know how they were in gan). They probably would destroy things if you left them to keep themselves entertained, (even to an age-appropriate extent), so you’re “just” supervising them constantly, lavishing them with endless love, positivity, acceptance, empathy, and attention. And surprise, then they’re not so hard to handle after all.
This is very intensive, and as you mentioned you can only do it by tag teaming with your husband. And you seem to have a pretty high tolerance for having kids/people around constantly as it is. You homeschooled a big family for years. Not everyone can be “on” with kids constantly.
I’m so happy that these kids ended up in your home, where I’m sure that they will do so much better than they would practically anywhere else. Whatever their full potential is, I’m sure that you will give them the best chance of reaching it (and it sounds like your gut feeling is that these kids have a lot of healing and catching up to do, but that eventually they can be pretty “normal.”)
Keep up the good work. Nice to have people like you in Klal Yisrael.
“Things have to be just right, and only then will they be ok.” This was very insightful of you, Shira, and it’s something I’ve thought about writing more about. Yes, it’s completely true. We don’t see the maladaptive behaviors come out often, unless they perceive a need isn’t being met (for example if I say ‘no’).
So many good points mentioned above!
I’m curious, do the children speak English ? If not, how do you juggle both languages without them feeling left out?
No, they’re Hebrew speakers. I’ll try to address this in a post.