It’s really interesting for me to be in the middle of the management meetings for two very different foster care placements.
The reasons that ds6 and the twins came into foster care were very different, and legally that has ramifications for how their cases are handled, as I’m seeing with the committee meetings for each of them taking place one day after another. The twins’ case is considered complex so there are extra voices involved in what happens with them.
The social worker called at the end of last week to review the details of the meeting and give me my new ‘to do’ list.
The meeting began with her report, in which she shared how the twins were when they came, and how they’re doing now. She gave a number of specific examples of improvements of what their behaviors were and what they are now. All markers of well-being are improved, some dramatically so.
If you expected the committee to be relieved or even pleased to hear the children have had a good transition and are thriving – they’re not.
Her report was challenged. Two people in attendance said it can’t be that so much change would be possible in this time period. Bad behaviors can’t just disappear. Their explanation? The behaviors must be happening and either I’m not seeing it, or I’m seeing it and not reporting it. The social worker told them that’s not likely being that we supervise them so closely around the clock, and told them to come and meet us and see the kids to see for themselves.
Then there were a couple of things they’re unhappy about:
–I didn’t yet have a meeting with the parenting instructor, and they want that person to come and see the children in person. This is the first time I was hearing that she needs to see them; that was never part of the conversation before. I don’t mind, though. Whoever wants can come and see them.
I told them previously I was willing to set up a meeting and they said the therapist would be in touch with me. She called yesterday morning, and my husband and I had a meeting with her last night.
–The children are sleeping in the same room. When I originally was asked about taking the children, I asked if they could sleep in the same room and was told they could. If I had been told they needed rooms of their own, that would have been a deal breaker for me and I wouldn’t have been able to agree to have them. Right before they came, there was a sudden demand that they be split up and given different rooms. I told my social worker I couldn’t accommodate that, and she said we could put it to the side.
Well, someone on the committee is furious and my social worker has said they’re willing to pull the kids from us and send them to separate homes rather than leave them in the same room.
Whether I like or agree with it or not, I’m not going to play with the lives of the twins; that’s for the committee members to do. So at this point I have to find a way to accommodate them.
Since I don’t have extra bedrooms available, the only possible option is to put ds5 in the same room as ds11 and ds6, and give dd5 her own room. I couldn’t have done this before knowing the children, because I wouldn’t have put our boys at risk by having them share a room with a child with unknown behavior. Now that the twins have been here for eleven weeks, safety is no longer a concern.
I switched the sleeping arrangements that same day my social worker called even though it’s better for all of the children involved to leave the sleeping arrangements as they are. People who don’t know the children are making these decisions based on concerns that aren’t relevant and that’s frustrating for me.
Sharing a room has been very comforting for the twins. They came unable to get along with one another and the previous dynamic between them puzzled me, because it was so much the opposite of what I would have anticipated in a scenario like theirs.
Whatever their relationship was, we’re constantly guiding them in how to interact appropriately, and now they get along well, look out for each other, and enjoy spending time together. Dd5 does not want to sleep in a room by herself; she gets scared and lonely when she’s alone and when I told her she’s going to have her teddy bear with her, that was scant consolation. It’s been a few nights now and she keeps asking me why she has to sleep alone.
As far as moving ds5 into the boys’ room, I had a few reasons I preferred he not be there.
Until now the boys’ room was their sanctuary where they could go when they wanted to play together without the twins, without anyone touching their things. They could close the door and no one could come in without their permission. This personal space was important for them; I wanted them to know that their space, their toys, and their relationship with one another didn’t have to be shared.
Now that ds5 is in that room, it’s hard for everyone involved to have any privacy. Ds5 doesn’t have a good sense of boundaries or an internal sense of what appropriate usage of items is. He touches everything and needs very close guidance as to what can be used and how it can be used.
Previously he had a room that was his, he knew it was his stuff and he could touch whatever he wanted. Not only that, he could tell others to stay out if he wanted – they had to honor his boundaries, just like he had to honor their boundaries if they didn’t want him to come into their room. All of that was very good and healthy.
Now he’s in a room with things that are mostly off limits to him, that are special to ds11 and ds6. It’s already created so many conflicts…Ds6 is really struggling emotionally, whereas until this bedroom switch he was doing great. The social worker was amazed by his ability to sincerely welcome and include the twins, without feeling his place had been stolen.
We’ve focused from the time they’ve come on giving him tons of time and attention, and he’s felt secure with them being here. Until now. In the last few days he’s been crying often, getting hurt and insulted over very little things, getting upset at the twins for little things, constantly snatching his toys way and telling them not to touch them, and is generally unhappy. This is a child with a very sunny and easygoing nature. It hurts me to see him struggling. We’re doing our best to support everyone’s adjustment and hopefully soon they’ll all get used to it.
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A positive development that came up was that both twins will be placed in a new gan safa (kindergarten with extra supports) that will be opening in Yavneel. I’ve been trying and trying to find schools for them for the coming year and had no luck, so on one hand I’m relieved.
On the other hand, I don’t want them both in the same small class because it isn’t healthy for them – they need their time apart to develop their own relationships and this will push dd5 into a caregiving role for ds5 for the hours they are at school.
The concern of the two of them being in the same class was also discussed at the meeting. The brilliant committee minds found a perfect solution: since dd5 is on a higher level, they decided she can stay in this kindergarten for a few months, then be moved to a regular kindergarten without any supports.
I don’t want to say more than that’s not a plan that will be positive for her. But I’m continuing to trust that it will all work out for the best. Dealing with these committees is very good practice in emotionally letting go.
(Update: Immediately after publishing this, I got an update from the social worker that there’s another change happening now – since dd5 is the only girl out of nine children registered for this kindergarten, they’re going to place her in a regular kindergarten instead. The twins won’t be together, which is really good, and she won’t have to make a switch in the middle of the year, which is also good, but she will be in a large class without the supports that she is supposed to have.)
In response to the question previously asked in the comment section: are the social workers pleased with how well the twins are doing?
At this meeting, it doesn’t seem any appreciation for or positivity about their progress was noted and instead they are skeptical that they could be doing so well because they ‘know’ these kids are difficult.
Time will do its work. Right now there’s a lot of oversight because it’s a new placement and the committee members have a lot of concerns based on the past. Hopefully as things fall into place and they see that we’re working with them, they’ll become more relaxed, and future committee meetings will be more positive.
Avivah
Since she is moving to a regular gan from a special ed gan, she can some hours of support. Can you ask them for that? It can be a gannenet shiluv- a special teacher that comes 1-3 times a week and works with her privately.
I was told she’ll get a ‘sal’, and when I asked what that means for her, was told they’ll put another assistant in the classroom.
Thank you for your comment – maybe this is something I can negotiate.
“Dealing with these committees is very good practice in emotionally letting go.” –
OHHHH my. I don’t know how you find the strength to do this. Dealing with Israeli bureaucracy like this would literally make me crazy. May you continue to find that inner strength and calm and wisdom for your own well-being and the well-being of your own family and these special twins.
I don’t love it, either, Donna!
I saw a youtube video about why a foster parent was quitting – I only heard the first two minutes before falling asleep, but she said she can’t deal with the system anymore. It can be burdensome for sure. I think dealing with the system is taxing for social workers, too.
When I told my social worker it’s galling to me to have decisions being made that aren’t in the best interest of the children, she told me, “Welcome to my world. I regularly sit on these committees and it’s very hard how often this happens.”
Amen, amen to your good wishes – I can use all of the good energy I can get!
I am continually amazed at your (worked hard upon) ability to “let go,” and accept that the best for all the kids involved is being thwarted by the “experts,” and that you have to accept their instructions.
I amaze myself sometimes that I can tolerate mindless bureaucracy that is affecting my children, since I have little patience for it in general.
As I commented below, I keep reminding myself it’s all from Hashem, that it just looks like it’s coming from these people. That’s the most helpful thing for me, to stay calm and not get too emotionally worn down by all of this. I really do believe it’s all going to work out well but all beginnings are difficult so we need to get through this transitional period.
Who is the committee? They didn’t believe the social worker? Do they let you speak and explain what you’re doing that brought so much change? I can’t believe how calm you sound with their demands that complicate your life and are detrimental to the twins and your other children!! It’s so difficult working with such people.
I wasn’t invited to this committee meeting so I don’t get asked anything nor do I get to explain.
I might sound calm but that’s after some time working through my upset feelings. I was livid that they were making demands that were contrary to the needs of all the children involved.
It pains me very, very much to see how hard it is for ds6. He is an especially kind and gentle child, and is now demonstrating behaviors he’s never had in his entire life. It feels senseless to have so much extra conflict in our home now when everyone was doing so well together for so long – to me it seems the only reason this room change has to be done is so that someone can make a check mark on a paper at the follow-up session.
I feel like screaming. I am amazed you didn’t. I am so hurt that these people would not believe the children are doing better. In a home of warmth, emotional healing and all is so powerful. Also upset about the sleeping arangements. I think it was good that your 2 sons had their space and the twins had their space. Is it possible at all to build a small room for twin son either downstairs, off your kitchen, porch or upstairs in a small extra area? I do not know your home at all so these are just thoughts. I do hope something can be solved.
Thanks for sharing my frustration, Rachelli! I don’t react by screaming; I tend to become very quiet when I’m upset.
I don’t want to give away my emotional headspace to them. I don’t want to let myself get dragged down by the senseless ego battles. I’m going to put my energies into raising these children the best that I can, and there’s nothing helpful for me in getting upset. I keep reminding myself that this is all from Hashem, and there’s nothing that is happening that’s not meant to be happening.
I did speak to the parenting therapist, who knows the specific behaviors on the twins’ file, and she said it’s completely believable that certain behaviors would drop away very fast if the children felt safe. She explained that sometimes behaviors can look very bad but they’re external – one particular behavior they displayed she said is an SOS sign, a call for help. When that behavior disappeared when they came to us, she said that was a sign that there was no longer a need to signal for help, that their needs were being met and they were no longer afraid.
She said she’s going to find out who is sitting on the committee to understand who is behind these decisions. She understood and agreed with all of our concerns about making the room switch as well as the school placements. Perhaps she’ll be able to add a perspective to the next committee meeting. If so, that would be nice. If not, that’s okay, too.
I am certain who is causing the issues; the one person I haven’t yet met but has a negative perception of us because we’re religious and is using taking the kids to threaten us. Our social worker told her that she shouldn’t be threatening us, that we weren’t looking to take more children and did it in response to being asked by the foster care agency. She said some aggressive things about us in response.
My social worker has said a number of times if this person would just come meet us, that would help the situation a lot because she could see the reality is very different from her negative assumptions about us. She has yet to make a visit, though.
About building ds5 his own little area – we considered it but I think the above person would visit and would use it to make a claim against us that we aren’t giving him a proper room. This situation is going to get better with time, bezras Hashem. We’re just in the middle of a lot of hard right now.
Amazed by your patience and koach.
What happens if you tell them that you refuse to separate the twins and insist that they must sleep in the same room?
This is what I meant by refusing to play with their lives.
If I do that, I’m one hundred percent sure they’ll pull them from our home. I’m equally certain they won’t find another family to take them both, so they’ll end up separated. It’s possible with their description that they won’t both find new homes, and will be placed in residential school settings (available after they turn six).
The person causing the issue will not back down on this and will do it convinced she has the best interests of the children at heart.
If I didn’t care deeply about the twins and their futures, I’d call her bluff and tell her I don’t need this and try to find a better place for the kids than our home. She’s forgetting that we’re the solution to a problem they had for many months in finding a place for these children. She’s the one behind the sudden refusal to let them be fostered and pushing them into adoption (five days before they came to us).
But I don’t think that the opinions of all the social workers in opposition to her would prevail. She has the legal power, and for whatever reason she’s got a prejudice against us because we’re religious and I think that’s part of why she doesn’t want to hear they’re doing well – because she repeatedly opposed them coming to us.
Thank you for explaining this.
It is chaval that the system is so rigid.
I wonder if preparing a short video of the twins would help. I showed a five minute video of my son with ds at a Vaada committee mtg to help get him into gan safa. It did a better job than any words I could have said (esp with my limited Hebrew)
That’s an interesting idea, Jillian! Seeing is definitely more powerful than hearing about something. I really like the concept and am going to ask my social worker if there would be a way to play it at the next committee meeting.
To say that is a frustrating development is an understatement. Might it be possible to divide the original room into two smaller rooms?
No, it’s not. But today (over a week later) I found a solution that is giving everyone some breathing space and making them all happier.
Basically, the twins were playing in dd5’s room and telling ds6 to stay out. I told them if they do that, then ds6 can also tell him to stay out of the other room, and that means hands off all the toys there as well unless he gives them permission. They all agreed willingly with that and are all glad to have space to call their own to play in.
I’m amazed how patient you are !! You are putting si much into these twins ! Maybe ds6
Could have a special room built and some extra privileges and/or time with you ?
We’ve been giving ds6 lots of extra time and my oldest daughter, who is local, has been amazing. She’s taken him several times to have special time at her house, and he comes home so happy from that. He and my granddaughter are very, very good friends and it’s nice for them both to have play time together without other children around.
I just got this in an email group. Wish I could but it’s not an option right now.
Looking for a warm and supportive Chareidi foster family for a pair of twins about 10 years old who are now in the jurisdiction of the welfare authorities after their family suffered a major crisis.
The authorities have not yet found a Chareidi foster family that matches their lifestyleand they are recommending a family with a different lifestyle.
If you know of a chareidi family interested in fostering these children, please call Tal. 02-594-0880 extension 8 only between the hours of 12.00 and 13.00.
מחפשים משפחה אומנת חרדית, חמה ותומכת, לזוג תאומים כבני 10 ומעלה,הנמצאים כעת ברשויות הרווחה, לאחר שהבית בו הם גדלו עבר טלטלה גדולה ל”ע.הרשויות טוענות שלא מצאו עדיין משפחת אומנת חרדית התואמת את אורח החייםשהילדים גדלו עד עתה והם ממליצים על משפחה אחרת משפחה המעוניינת לעזור בהצלת הילדים היקרים תפנה לטל. 02-594-0880 שלוחה 8 רק בין השעות 12.00 ל-13.00.