Can you believe seven months have passed since the twins joined our family?

Overall they are doing well. I’ve seen a lot of positive changes, and I also continue to see areas that will take more time and input to shift. Overall they are sweet children who need a lot – a lot – of time, connection and supervision. Sometimes I feel like they take up all the emotional air in the home and am specifically concerned about ds7 getting his needs met, since he is so easygoing and non-demanding. I try to pay extra attention to him and do things with him that they don’t get to do.

It was very positive and important for them and for us that they were home with us for three of the first four months. We saw a lot of emotional development; dd6 was about a three year old level and is now close to her actual age. Ds6 was at the level of a very young toddler when he came; possibly an eighteen month old but not more than a two year old. Now he’s more like a four year old. (These are just my own personal assessments, not anything official.) During that time we were able to learn their typical behaviors and see who they really were without the external stressors of school.

As soon as they began going to school, I saw both of them showing significant negative changes in their behavior. Dd6 would scream within minutes of picking her up from kindergarten and continued throughout the afternoon until she went to sleep. She was hitting her siblings constantly, jumping up and down while screaming and screeching about everything that wasn’t the way she wanted it (which was almost everything).

Not only was she emotionally extremely reactive, but she was screaming at me – something she had never done. I saw she had no inner brakes, no emotionally capacity to hold the attachment when she was away so many hours. Once she was dysregulated to this degree, there was no way to calm her down; she rejected any kind of touch or loving gesture. I was so glad that we knew how sweet and loving she could be because she really became intolerable for everyone to be around.

Ds6 also had behavior changes, but it showed up differently. Though they both have ADD/ADHD diagnoses (almost all foster/adoptees have this at this age), as soon as he went back to school I saw it very clearly. He literally was vibrating when I picked him up from school. He made lots of sounds with his mouth and his body was wired; he had so much pent up energy. He was unfocused and seemingly didn’t hear instructions or respond to it. He kicked and hit even his teenage siblings over no provocation.

Since all of this behavior change happened as soon as they went to school, it was clear to me that the school day was too long for them. When I kept them home, I didn’t see any of this. There could be tiredness or unhappiness, but that was easily addressed. Our social worker said they would get used to the school day and it would get better, but I didn’t agree. I thought that the demands of the school day were overwhelming their capacity to cope.

I spoke to our parenting counselor about my hesitation about sending them for the extended afternoon program (school ends at 2 but the extended program continues until 3:45). I had agreed to take the twins with the understanding they would be home from school around 5 pm and that I would have time to spend with ds11 and ds7 every day when the twins weren’t here – that was a critical consideration.

My dilemma was that if I didn’t send them for the extended program, I had no time with just the two boys. Even with twins in the extended program, I hardly had time with the boys because they would eat lunch when they got home, and then I had to leave for pickup soon after that. If I did send them for the extended program, they became increasingly unpleasant and difficult to be with, and that’s harder for everyone in the house.

The parenting counselor said there’s no right answer about that, and that her concern is that I’m supporting their needs in so many ways (she called me ‘a full therapeutic staff’) that she doesn’t want to see me burn out.

I experimented with taking them to school later and picking them up earlier to see what their inner set points for being away from home were. At the end of October I decided I would do the earlier pickup from school. However, I then learned that lunch is served only for the children who stay for the afternoon program. Having to cook lunch for them was an additional demand at a time that I had a lot of demands on me (by this time my mom was staying with us).

Additionally, when I picked up dd6 early, she threw herself crying and screaming on the floor of her kindergarten and became almost hysterical because she didn’t get to eat there. Food or perceived lack of it is very emotional for her and that was the point that made me decide to leave her at the afternoon program – so she could eat the food with her peers. I couldn’t go out for two different pickup times, so ds stayed longer as well.

Right now we’re still in process. It’s almost easier for me to have them at home than to send them to school because the after school behaviors take so much emotional energy to manage, and it’s never ideal to guide or direct children when you don’t have a working positive attachment with them. They love staying home with me and almost every day ask to stay home, which is interesting because in their past foster home, going to school was their highlight and what they never wanted to miss. (Threatening them that they wouldn’t be able to go to school was the best behavioral incentive she had.)

What has been very helpful for them is keeping them home one day a week (usually not on the same day but together with ds11 or ds7). The positive effects last beyond the day that they stay home. I’ve experimented with different pickup and drop off times to find the point that they can tolerate without disintegrating, and have been taking them to school later in the morning to shorten the time they’re away.

Dd6 has begun telling her teachers she doesn’t want to stay in the afternoon, that she wants to go home. This is a shift for her, because in the beginning she wanted to do what all the other girls were doing and stay for the full time. After Chanuka I intend to begin picking them up as soon as they finish eating, so they’ll only be staying a half hour or so longer. Every way that we can shorten the day for them makes a difference.

It’s also critical to brace myself emotionally before they come home so that I’m prepared for their behavior. When I’m expecting them to act in a pleasant manner, it’s never helpful because then I feel frustrated by the discrepancy between my expectations and the reality.

As Chanuka begins, I’ve already told their teachers they won’t be coming for the Chanuka camp next week, and they won’t be coming today even though officially school is still in session. Ds11 and ds7 will also be home. It’s a different kind of busy on the days they stay home; it takes much more time but everyone’s emotions are on a much more even keel.

Avivah