When ds11 was younger, I noticed how often people wanted to hug him. You know, you see a cute little kid with Down syndrome, and strangers wanted to hug him after a brief interaction.
I didn’t like it but was sometimes caught off guard and didn’t respond as protectively as I should have. It’s uncomfortable to tell nice and well-meaning people to get their hands off your child. But the years have gone by and my backbone has grown stronger.
When dd6 entered the family, she had an attachment disorder. She didn’t feel an attachment to any one person, and as a result, would try to attach to any adult in her perimeter. She needed to develop trust in her primary attachment figures (now that’s us), and simultaneously, to learn that we don’t hug people outside of the family. It’s obviously important to feel protected and loved, but also important for her safety to minimize her risk of victimization.
It’s amazing how much questioning and even pushback there is when I tell an adult that they can’t hug her. We had an older woman at our outdoor menorah lighting the first night of Chanukah. I gave her a hug to welcome her, and on seeing the kids, she held out her arms for them to hug her. Now, the twins have never met her, and ds7 and ds11 have hardly ever seen her. I told her with a smile (also a cue to the kids how to respond), “Hugs are just for family.”
“But why?” Let’s put aside that my daughter has an attachment disorder that would put her at risk if we didn’t help her develop a very clear sense of boundaries. Why is it okay for you to hug children who don’t know you? Why do people take it so personally when parents, who determine what is appropriate for their children and presumably have their best interests in mind, tell them that they can’t hug their children? Why do adults think it is their right to hug a child?
I took ds7 to the feed store a couple of days ago. The woman there remembered him from a past trip when my husband took him. She gave him a treat, then said, “Give me a hug.” Nope, I told her, hugs are for family.
“But why?” People don’t ask with a tone of casual interest, but irritation and annoyance, as if I’ve taken away something they deserve. Why? Because children are not objects and they have the right to bodily integrity. I as an adult can choose to hug another adult who I am not related to, and that is based on mutual feelings of connection and consent between us. But that balance isn’t present between an adult and child; no one has the right to impose himself on someone who is small and powerless.
When I see my grandchildren who live far away, I recognize that not all of them are ready for a hug as soon as they see me. I won’t hug my grandchild if I see she feels uncomfortable, and I certainly wouldn’t hug a child I hardly know at all to show what a friendly and kind person I am.
As a parent of children with special needs, our children are often asked to hug people they hardly know on demand. While presumably this comes usually comes from a desire to be friendly, it’s important for adults to be respectful of the personal space of a child. Don’t assume it’s okay to touch someone who hardly knows you.
Yesterday the guardian ad litem came to visit, together with our social worker and the head supervisor of the foster care agency. Many months ago, she had once visited each of the twins in their preschools. After a long visit (grilling? interrogation?), the last thing she did was ask the kids to see their rooms. After ascertaining where they each sleep, she held out her arms first to ds6 and said, “Ten li chibuki” (give me a huggie). Since he named the stuffed dog he sleeps with Chibuki, he was confused and thought that she was telling him to give her his doll. But he saw her holding out her arms to him and started to move toward her.
I told her, “Hugs are only for family.” (I know there’s the potential for a person to feel slighted so to mitigate that I always say this in a light tone and in a way that’s clear this is our family guideline, that it’s not personal.)
Without missing a beat, she replied, “But it’s okay for special people to hug them.” This obviously means the rules don’t apply to her. “No,” I told her firmly, “just family”. She wasn’t happy with that, and demanded to know why. I told her we have safeguards in place for dd6 and these now apply to all of our children equally. She knows dd’s history and should have been much more receptive and understanding to, if not appreciative of, the importance of these guidelines.
I’ve talked to dd6’s teachers and tutor about the hugging issue. (I don’t have to talk to ds’s teachers because he isn’t soliciting contact and they aren’t hugging him.) When I first met the tutor and saw her hold out her arms to dd for a hug, I told her, “Hugs are just for family” (chibukim rak l’mishpacha – as you can see, it’s practically a mantra). Of course she was a bit affronted until I explained why; she was then very respectful and understanding, and continues to be very warm but without the hugs.
Dd was starved for affection and touch when she came to us, and solicited contact from anyone whom she came into contact with. When a new adult came into her orbit, she couldn’t relax or stay connected emotionally to me, because she needed to connect to that person. After weeks in our home and wanting to be with me nonstop, she would instantly and completely emotionally detach from me when someone else came in to the room – it was as if I didn’t exist anymore. She went into survival mode and her survival, to her, entailed a laser focus on connecting to the newest person in the vicinity.
She doesn’t do that anymore. She gets tons of hugs and kisses from us, and sometimes when I’ll ask her if she wants a hug, she’ll decline. It’s incredible for someone who was so empty for so long to now feel full enough to not need more contact in that moment. As she’s become more secure that we love her and will consistently be there for her, together with the reminders about who we hug and who we don’t, she’s become very appropriate in her interactions.
The majority of people I know wouldn’t see it as appropriate to hug children who aren’t their own , whom they have a minimal relationship with. It’s interesting to see how many people who hardly know my children think it’s not only okay, but appropriate and positive to hug them. What are your thoughts on this?
Avivah
My personal opinion is that I think it really depends who it is coming from. My daughter had a ganenet in gan shalosh who would greet every girl every morning with a warm hello and hug. She was such a special and loving ganenet and it felt genuine. So I personally liked that and know my daughter also loved that ganenet. Even 7 years later my daughter still remembers her fondly.
I also understand your reservations.
I think that’s different than someone the child doesn’t know or knows but isn’t receptive to being hugged by. In general I think it’s wonderful for teachers of young children to hug them if a child welcomes it. Ds6 has a very warm teacher and I saw him shrink away when the first time she reached out to him and said, ‘Give me a hug’ – it was overwhelming and unwelcome to him. It’s only this week that he stopped telling me he doesn’t like her.
For dd and her tutor, I might have been too cautious about this and perhaps could have just let the hugging be. In her case, it’s really hard for her to have clarity about boundaries if it’s not black and white, all the time kind of thing. I wouldn’t have made this request for her tutor if dd didn’t have the background she does.
I think there might be Sefardi/Ashkenazi cultural differences here, as well as Israeli/American. The former tend to be a lot “huggier.” (Chareidim might possibly be more hands off as well, especially between children and adults of opposite genders, even young children.) I also think that a lot of people, in trying to be warm and accepting of special needs/foster kids might go into “hug” mode.
With that said, it’s VERY important to teach kids that it isn’t the right of every person who comes along to hug/touch them.
It seems like the twins need very clear boundaries that are consistently enforced, because they can’t handle exceptions.
I think that you should keep your hugs are for family rule, while recognizing that 99.9% of the people trying to hug your kids are well intentioned (not that their good intentions mean that it’s good for your kids).
There’s always going to be people who don’t understand/don’t approve of how you raise your kids. Stick to your guns and do what you know is right. (If you let everyone hug your kids, no doubt there would be some people who would disapprove of that as well. You can’t please everyone….)
Shira, you’re exactly right about how critical it is – at this point, it won’t be like this forever – for us to be extremely clear and consistent about all boundaries for them.
I agree about the cultural differences. Of course there’s personality as well; I used to not be a hugger but in my mid thirties I shifted with my female friends and now frequently greet people with a hug. But it depends in what circles I am – some people are more open to that and others are less comfortable so I err on the side of caution.
I totally think that people are coming from a good place, and I don’t want to be one to add more anxiety around the issues of physical contact with children, since so many mentors and teachers no longer will pat a child on the back or put a hand on the shoulder because of the heightened concerns in society regarding molestation. Not that molestors would concern themselves with those guidelines that everyone else is careful about…
But definitely when it comes to kids with special needs or those who are seen as less fortunate, I think people’s hearts go out to them and want to show tangible support or appreciation.
Avivah, I really agree with you. I think 15-20 years ago I didn’t, maybe I thought it shows how warm and supportive We are, but didn’t think of the other person receiving. Now I have seen things differently and will not cross a boundary. (scary to say the words but thats what it is). I think in the past generation, the Bubbie and Zaidie would expect a hug, a kiss. They didn’t ask. That’s what we saw and learned. I also watch my grandkids and see if they want the hug and kiss. Bh” most do except for our 2 yr. old which is totally fine. Thanks for bringing up this point.
Yes, it was the societal norm. When I was young I remember being expected to hug and kiss aunts and uncles, and there was no thought about the child’s perspective. Likely it was thought of as teaching them good manners.
I appreciate hearing your sensitivity towards your grandchildren! I have one grandchild that I’m cautious about touching until she has warmed up to me, which is much faster when I’m at her house and takes longer when she comes here with lots of other family members present (naturally).
I don’t think it’s respectful to demand/expect a hug, no matter if the demand is coming from a parent, sibling, friend or stranger. But when one is a stranger or acquaintance to the child, one needs to be much more restrained. I try to ask before I give a hug or kiss to my grandchildren…lots of times, they’re not in the mood for a variety of reasons and I want to try to respect that. Even the pre-verbal grandchildren can often indicate by body language whether they want physical affection or not.
For me, a relationship builds very slowly both with my grandchildren and with the other children I’m around. I want to try to give it space and time to develop without forcing any physical affection.
But sometimes I forget, because I’m just feeling a strong rush of love for them and I don’t check myself in time. So I’m still working on this.
Maybe that is the case to some extent with these people you mention, Avivah. They may be feeling very affectionate towards your children and not realize that your children’s emotions don’t mirror theirs, or that teaching vulnerable children to hug indiscriminately is dangerous for the children. It’s so good you are able to keep a boundary and protect them!
This was a very interesting article. My point of view is a body autonomy point of view. Any body contact should be at the comfort of the person being touched.
All three of my children are different in their level of personal privacy. My oldest son’s love language is tough and he loved to be hugged – but because it was his love language he did not want strangers touching him at all. He only wanted contact from those close to him.
My daughter has always been a touch-me not due to sensory issues. Knowing she really doesn’t love being touched (or being so close she can smell strangers perfume, deodorant, or breath – lol), we even wait for her to initiate hugs .
My youngest has autism and is a sensory seeker, and really likes any kind of input, so he loves hugs. This is where I have the highest degree is resonated understanding, because his social skills don’t always guide good decision making so we have had to build a stronger hedge around him too.
I want to mention one last thing: he has had some “high touch” teachers, and they always offer a fist bump, high five, hand shake, or smile. No hugs. I think there is a growing sense of the intimacy of a hug, along with the dynamics of how hard it can be for children to say “no”. I applaud this teaching of “hugs are for family” and when children are old enough to have safe boundaries, they can decide which “family by choice” they add.
Note: I am a southerner and people will hug you in a second here. I also acknowledge that people do this as a general sign of friendliness and non-sexual affection. So I get that. I just want my kids to understand they get to choose.
Thank you for sharing the examples of your children; that’s very interesting!
My situation is exactly what you shared about your youngest – that ‘social skills don’t always guide good decision making’ – this is true for me with ds11 as well as dd6.
This is an important point, as always, and thank you for sharing your wisdom on this. We just had a situation exactly like this yesterday, and I agree. It can be scary/offensive/embarrassing/uncomfortable for a stranger to hug a child, and especially demand a hug/kiss. What occurs to me is that at the same time, I think we are trying to model appropriate social skills for our children and as you stated above, you greeted the stranger at your Chanukah lighting with a hug…so the expectation maybe has to be set up differently. Saying “Hugs are for family” when you are hugging strangers might be confusing for the child to understand. Perhaps the question to ask is directed to the child, “Would you like to hug this man/woman?” explaining to the stranger that you like to make sure your child feels safe choice in touch.
Hi, Riva,
I considered that perhaps me hugging other women could be confusing for them and contradict my family hugs guidelines, but they regularly see me hug other women at shul. The confusion came from someone opening her arms to them in an expectant way to them. (In case it wasn’t clear, she’s someone I’m friendly with but not someone the kids know.)
You brought up another point – what if your child does want to hug them? Does that make hugging the checkout lady in the supermarket okay? I don’t think so. For kids who have trouble with boundaries (ds11 has a harder time with this than ds7, who is slower to warm up to strangers, whereas ds11 has never met a stranger in his life – he experiences everyone as a friend), they need help understanding, we can give handshakes to friendly people, but not hugs (that’s what I tell my kids, not a hard and fast guideline).
I’m a ganenet for 2-year-olds, and I constantly hug and kiss the kids. As you wrote in a previous comment, it’s different with strangers, but I admit I did it from day one or two. It’s not a conscious decision, just something that comes spontaneously since they are truly irresistible.
Avigayil, I think it’s completely appropriate and positive for teachers of young children to give them a lot of physical touch, hugs, etc.
I realize there are boundaries in hugs/kisses. When I wanted to hug them, I usually ask the children for a hug. If they say no, then I accept their answers even from my 20-year-old nephew! I work in the library, I see lovely girls and I always have to refrain from hugging them as it is inappropriate in the school environment. A couple of days ago, I was given a 3 weeks old baby to hold. I felt so much better. I have not held a baby in years.