Last week I picked up dd6 from kindergarten, accompanied by ds6 and ds7. She happily hugged me, and they all ran to the car.

Predictably, the boys got to the car before her. Predictably, she began screaming because she wanted the middle seat. I empathized with her wanting to get the seat and the frustration of not having what she wanted. She got more upset and refused to get in the car, so I calmly picked her up and put her in the car, where she continued screaming.

As I turned on the ignition, I thought about a topic that often comes to mind – how to deal with children when they become dysregulated. All children become dysregulated at times, but since the twins are very quickly and easily dysregulated, this is something I get to practice a lot.

One Shabbos morning I was at shul and an older woman commented, looking at dd, “What sweetness!” This is someone I had previously discussed the fostering situation with, and I responded, “Yes, there’s a lot of sweetness when all her needs are being met, but when they’re not, it’s not so sweet.”

Five minutes later, dd asked me about having more treats and I told her she had already had her fill. (I talk to the kids beforehand about how much they can have; we always have the same guidelines.) She began crying and jumping up and down in protest. The woman said to me, “Oh, now I see what you mean.” I laughingly (and truthfully) replied, “Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet!”

When I respond to a child who is distressed or dysregulated, I integrate my six foundational principles of Leadership Parenting. I call them the Six Cs: calm, clarity, courage, compassion, connection and correction.

Firstly, slow down inside yourself to feel your calm. You can take a physical or mental deep breath to help with this.

You need to have clarity about what your intentions are in the interaction; when you feel this, it will come across to the child. In this case, I had established the boundaries of how many treats she could have, and I had clarity that this was the boundary I was going to maintain. I could also have chosen to be flexible on this and knowing I was willing to shift my position would have been my clarity.

Once you have clarity about what you want, you need to have courage to see it through. It’s easier in the short run to give in to a child and let them have or do what they want. Being willing to face your child’s displeasure and deal with his resulting acting out requires courage.

Before addressing any issue with a child, it’s important to feel compassionate towards him. If you’re frustrated and irritable, you’re not going to be effective in communicating.

All of this work is done inside of you before you say or do anything with a child. Now that you’re centered in yourself, you step into the active part of the interaction with your child.

When you guide your child, it’s important to first establish a connection. Look your child in the eye (eye level is very helpful for a child who is very out of sorts), and empathize with their frustration or disappointment. “That wafer looks so yummy and you really want to have more.” Wait for a response, and validate that response. “It’s really hard.”

This moves into the final step, correction. “When we come to shul, we have ‘x ‘many treat (establishing or reminding child of boundary). We’re not going to have any more treats now. Would you like to take the wafer home and save it for a different special time?” Or, “Come, hold my hand and we’re going to go outside together.”

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This is a typical scenario. But there are other ways that the steps can play out.

Every week we do an online grocery order and my husband goes on the designated day to pick it up. Sometimes he takes one of the children with him. This week he took two children. A third, upset he wasn’t going to go, spit on my husband and verbally became very expressive about his anger. Dr. Gordon Neufeld would call this being filled with ‘foul frustration’. I was inside the house so my husband carried him in to me and said, “Ds6 needs you.”

Next to where I was sitting were two towers built by one of the other children, one of Duplo and one of magnet tiles. He began taking the tiles off, one by one, and tossing them into the box. I thanked him for putting them away. He looked at me appraisingly, then knocked the entire tower over. He looked at me to see my response. I didn’t say anything, but stayed compassionate in myself for his disappointment. He knocked down the Duplo tower and looked at me daringly. I quietly looked at him.

In this case, without saying a word, I’ve used calm, clarity, courage, compassion and connection. It was clear to me what my boundaries were (clarity), and I was going to see that through (courage). I was calm and compassionate, and he could feel connection with me just from the way I looked at him.

He stood there for another minute and then sat down and began to build with the Duplo. After a minute, he gave me a brick and said, “Cake for you, my sweet mommy.” I thanked him and ‘nibbled’ on it. As he built and built and built, I could feel him getting quiet inside himself, without either of us speaking. He would periodically look up, checking to see that I was looking at him. And that was it. The correction happened as a natural outflow of our interaction.

Helping a child regulate doesn’t always require words. Sometimes words get in the way. It always requires your calm and compassionate presence.

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Soon dd6 came back from the shopping, happily carrying in two small packages of vegetables. Then there was nothing else for her to bring in so she began screaming.
She can switch from happy to upset, and upset to happy, literally on a dime. When she screams, it’s piercing, extended and usually accompanied by jumping up and down or throwing herself on the floor. My teen boys are amazed that a child can scream as much as she does.

By this time it was close to 6 pm. When it’s so late in the day and children are tired, you need to have a lot of patience because they are overextended. This can be a particular challenge because parents are also feeling overextended and tired by this time.

In this case, I brought her close to me and gave her a slow hug. Usually this helps her, but this time she so dysregulated that it hardly registered. If anything, she got more upset. When I hugged her, I felt that her clothing was damp from the splashing outdoors she had done just before they left, and realized she must be cold. I picked her up and took her to her room. I spoke to her minimally because everything was too much for her at that moment, but whatever I said was said in a low and soothing voice. I took off her wet clothes and put her in a snuggly pair of pajamas. This was all accompanied by her piercing screams and flailing around.

Just because you are helping a child and giving them what they need, it doesn’t mean they’re going to instantly calm down or cheer up. Not at all. In this case, dd6 was so overwound that she couldn’t calm down.

She stood in front of me while I finished zipping her up. Since I was sitting on her bed we were eye level, and I said, “Now you’re warm and dry, doesn’t that feel good?” This wasn’t said to elicit a response from her but to help her get recentered. Then I sat with her on my lap for a few minutes. She lay her head against my chest and when I felt her body relaxing, gave her a big hug before we went back to the kitchen to have dinner.

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How do you react when your child is melting down? What is hard for you in the moment that they’re having a hard time?

Avivah