I shared in my last post the steps I took before Shabbos to set up a supportive framework to help address the bullying issue. The final step was his big brothers.
On Friday night, my twenty five year old son went into that shul with ds7 and ds11, and asked a kid if he was X. “No,” the boy exclaimed, and then asked, “Are you his father?
The principal already dealt with him. Are you here to hit him because of what he did? “
My son responded using the same language the boy used, “No, but I’m here to tell him he’s going to get hit if he hits this boy (ds11) again.”
“That boy has older brothers,” the boy told him.
“He (our eleven year old) also has older brothers,” my son said.
“But his older brothers are gangsters!” warned the boy. (Probably true.)
“His older brothers are even bigger gangsters!” my son said. (Definitely very far from it.)
That was Friday night. The next morning, my twenty five year old, eighteen year old, sixteen year old and fourteen year old went into that shul together to find the bullies. As soon as they walked in, all the younger boys in the shul started asking them if they were there to deal with X (last name of two of the boys who attacked my son).
My sons learned that the teenage brother of those kids was there, told him his brothers had attacked their younger brother and his younger brothers needed to apologize to our son.
“They aren’t here. But tell me where you live and they’ll come to your house to apologize,” he answered. Yeah, right.
The younger boys present in shul hastened to show them which boys were the ones they wanted – right in the same room. I was a little surprised when I heard about this afterwards that there’s so little loyalty to their friends.
One of my teens was itching to take these violent kids into the field and beat them for the things they’ve done to younger kids in our shul, not only his sibling. He’s watched things happen for the last four years that are reflective of deep systemic issues and he’s burning at the injustice.
These boys are really problematic kids and a strong physical response probably would have been best, though I warned all of my boys not to lay a hand on any of them, no matter how provocative they were. (That son told me afterward that as angry he was, he realized he wouldn’t be able to hurt a younger child who wasn’t actively at that moment doing something wrong.)
There are some in that community with a criminal history or mental health issues and my sons were aware they have to be careful not to paint a target on the back of our family and trigger older siblings/parents who could retaliate with a level of violence that goes beyond normal disagreements. Whatever they did, it had to be something that no one could find fault with.
They had a verbal exchange with the boys who hurt my son, who vigorously denied any wrongdoing. My son doing the talking persisted and told them they know they’re the ones behind the attacks. The older one protested (with a wounded angelic expression), “No, I never hurt anyone. Tell me the name of even one person that I hurt,” he challenged.
“XX,” my son told him. The boys were clearly taken aback that we knew the names of other kids they had attacked. When they refused to apologize, my boys went over the older sibling again.
They told them his younger brothers were right there (obviously he knew that and was lying previously), and said they needed to apologize right then. They did, though my eleven year old was so frightened to see his attackers speaking to him that he hid behind his older brother’s back when they apologized. They thought that was funny and were smirking until one of my teens asked them in a hostile tone if they thought that was amusing. It wiped the smile off very quickly.
A couple of adults came over to see why my sons were there, since their presence was unusual. One was a neighbor, and when he heard that a group of boys had jumped my son and attacked him, he told us that if anything ever happens again to our son, to tell his son (who is part of this peer group) that he needs to tell us who was involved (rather than stay silent and protect his friends).
Overall we were satisfied with the outcome. It wasn’t dramatic, but we did what we could and hopefully it will be helpful in preventing more children from being hurt.
On Sunday I was driving my (almost) eighteen year old to the bus stop to go back to yeshiva. We stopped to let someone cross at the crosswalk, who nodded his head in a friendly way to my son. My son ignored him. The young man did it again, more deliberately, and my son still didn’t move even a muscle in his face as he looked back at him. I asked why he wasn’t acknowledging him and he told me it was the older brother of the kids who hurt my son.
I told him even if he is convinced the older brother is a two faced liar and he can’t stand to look at him, it might be beneficial to be civil so they see us as people they don’t want to harass, rather than be seen as the enemy. We’re walking a fine line right now between trying to get the wrongs addressed and staying on good terms with the adults in that community.
Does this story end here?
My married daughter on Shabbos morning was walking to my house when she passed a younger boy walking in the opposite direction. She also saw kids who were hiding across the street start to come out towards him (presumably to attack him). She turned around to watch him so the bullies would know he wasn’t alone; simultaneously, four men came out of their shul towards the boys. She couldn’t tell if it was a coincidence of not, but I would like to think they all came out because members of their community are now (after the behind the scenes conversations and police involvement) cognizant of the need to keep an eye on what these kids are doing.
Is this something that will be sustainable long term? No. They need security cameras and a police presence for an extended period so that it’s clear to all that the protection of the children is a priority and is being taken seriously.
If at the very least these bullies understand they shouldn’t touch my son, there’s been some gain but I can’t know that yet. That would be a significant gain. At the same time, I want all the kids in the community to be safe, not just my own child.
Avivah
Avivah, Was a drop hard for me to follow the story. Totally wishing you all Hatzlocha that the Bully’s will find other things to keep them busy. They need a ” getaway matnas” with a healthy counselor where the boys can hang out friday night,shabbat, and play games they enjoy. Talk. By us I was told by my neighbor her daughter was in a girls group till 4.00am Purim night so the girls don’t need to get into trouble. Maybe you can bring it up with your Matnas,Revacha.
Thanks for letting me know it wasn’t clear, Rachelli. Part of that might be since I’m keeping out details of how deep and long standing the problem of violence in that community is. It’s complicated and very troubling. I edited a little to hopefully make it a little easier to understand but it might still not be clear.
We aren’t dealing with a typical community. I’ve spoken to three social workers about what seems to me (my unprofessional opinion only) a large number of children with behavior that causes me concern that they are being abused. All have responded that the authorities know about the issues but the authorities are reluctant to get involved. They do have afternoons programs but the children have to be there for it to keep them from causing trouble on the streets.
Interesting read and good modeling on how to stand up for yourself. Just the other day I saw the man who swindled me for a paltry amount of money. Simply, he didn’t give me the extra food I paid for at my son’s sheva brachos. I asked him, let’s see someone to resolve this but he dismissed me and said it was already resolved. I said, okay, I will let my 2,000 email subscribers know what you said. He said that is LH and then walked over to me as if to threaten me. I told him, I gave you a warning so it isn’t LH.
This happened after maariv so my friends heard the exchange. I wonder what they think? I always thought he was humble but I see it was only a mask. A while ago he gave me his “expert” advice on how to deal with my alienated son. Now I see him as being anything but humble.
Your story is a good example of how to stand up to bullies.
Interesting, David.
I think a possible solution is that older siblings/the parent should accompany the children to Shul and back. I generally don’t let my sons (ages 8-12 ) go alone.
There are often off the derech kids hanging around, and while they don’t usually start up with 8-12 year olds, I do not trust them.
That is a solution to a degree, but there’s always going to be a child who is on his own and will be at risk.
I think it’s a positive for my eleven year old to have the independence to go to shul on his own; that’s why I send him a half hour before I go.
An additional challenge for me in doing as you suggest (that most parents don’t have) is that my son will leave on his own if I don’t give him the opportunity to be independent, regardless of how much I talk to him about how important it is to ask me before going somewhere. He’ll just quietly leave when my back is turned and make a dash for it so he can get far enough away that I can’t bring him back. It’s a blessing to have a child who is so independent and capable, but it’s also been a huge ongoing challenge since he was five.
I’ll try to make this as succinct as possible. As you know, we have 6 boys. The youngest was 12 and in middle school. He was repeatedly harassed by a group of kids that carried permanent markers and wrote on his clothes and backpack. He was not the only target. The school did not consider this bullying and put it in the realm of a “prank”. I had had enough. For 3 days in a row I sent at least 3 of his older brothers to school at lunch and during the last period as a sign of force. They were welcomed on campus as well known, good citizens of our community. They squared off around the culprits. Kept their brother and the other victims in their sights and the bullying stopped. It stopped for good. The mob mentality works for both good and evil. I remind my family of that often. May the force of family be with you.
I love it, Jan! It’s so awesome when siblings stick up for one another, there’s nothing better. Thank you for sharing.