I met a friend on the last day of Pesach and she said to me, “How is your holiday going? Probably wonderful.”
Yes, it was wonderful. We enjoyed having almost all of our married children and grandchildren with us throughout the holiday and it was really, really nice. They scheduled their visits so that they came one after another (other than the youngest two couples who came together at the end). Since they didn’t overlap, there were only sixteen of us from a few days before Pesach until a couple of days after Pesach ended, so there weren’t huge numbers at a time.
We all appreciated having time with one family at a time. Though it’s beautiful to have everyone at once, it’s nice to have the slower and quieter pace that allows us to spend time with each family in a more meaningful way. Though to outsiders it could seem like effortless and seamless teamwork because things run harmoniously, even sixteen undemanding people for three meals a day is still a good bit of work.
Our oldest couple will be celebrating their seventh anniversary in six weeks and I’ve never written about the topic of hosting married children because I’ve been concerned that someone might read what I wrote and think I was being negative or critical. I deeply appreciate all of our married children and feel blessed that each of them have married someone we all like so much, so my comments aren’t coming from a negative place at all.
We are extremely blessed that everyone gets along and is respectful of one another so although there are a lot of personalities present, we have a minimum of conflict even with a lot of people coming and going. However, the physical effort of hosting is always present and I’d like to share about that since I think it’s an issue many struggle with it but don’t talk about; it’s a reality that needs to be navigated both physically and emotionally.
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Working together and getting things done as a family is something I value. This is in part because we’ve been a large homeschooling family for years, but also because we’ve lived on one income throughout the years. That meant making conscious choices about how we spend money; it was a reality that if we didn’t pay someone else to do the things we wanted or needed done, we were going to have to do it ourselves.
That meant washing our dishes instead of using disposables, cooking our food rather than eating out, cleaning our home rather than hiring cleaning help, and later on, learning DIY skills to upgrade our home rather than not have the renovations done at all due to the cost being too much. If I ask our children to do something, they generally do it with a willing attitude, and working together has been a positive dynamic for us.
Every family has their own values, their own expectations of how much children participate, what kinds of jobs they do, how much guests help out, and how married couples are hosted. Obviously families can’t and shouldn’t all be the same as ours, and as our children have gotten married, there are different expectations from different people.
One married son told me on Pesach that most families don’t expect their children to help out in the way that I do. That’s very likely true, since most families don’t do most things the way that I do. During the same conversation I learned that my position on a different but related issue is ‘old school’ so maybe the way I do things is out of date. If it’s true that kids don’t help out that much, how do families get things done? Someone has to do them, so who is picking up the slack? It’s not fair or reasonable for it all to fall on the mother.
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Here are some general points to take into account when hosting married children.
For starters, young couples are into each other. Their focus is on each other, and usually they spend most of the time they are visiting interacting with one another rather than the rest of us. They will generally just show up for meals and sometimes not even for all of the meals. Even at the meals, their interactions are mostly with each other.
When a woman is pregnant, she’s tired and wants to rest a lot. She won’t be around except for the meals.
When they have their first child they are busy with their child. This child will take up all of their time and energy; they’ll be tired from being up in the night, from the work of parenting…. When there are more children, it’s so much effort to take care of children in someone else’s home, on a different schedule, and it’s so much work to pack and travel to make the visit – being a guest in someone else’s home is already a big contribution on their part. They’re exhausted and need to rest.
Someone told me that no daughter-in-law likes to be at her in-laws home; this was said so I wouldn’t take the lack of enjoying being here personally and understand it’s a global phenomenon. As a mother-in-law who wants all of our children to feel comfortable, that’s a discouraging thing to hear but I certainly understand it’s more comfortable to visit the home in which someone was raised and where everything is familiar. In raising children I’ve found boys to be more easygoing than girls, and have also found this to be true of sons-in-law.
People have different strengths and different ways to show their appreciation of the efforts being made to host them. Even for those who want to make a significant effort to help out, their capacity is limited because they need to be present for their spouse and children.
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As more and more children get married, the dynamic continues to shift. When our first son got married, I still had two daughters in their early twenties who were extremely helpful, along with my next son. There was plenty of help around me and the extra work involved in hosting a young couple didn’t create much pressure.
Then my two daughters got married within nine months of my son’s wedding. We then had three couples coming to visit for Shabbos, and just one older teenager helping out at the same time that I still had a lot of young children around; the youngest was a baby and the one above him was about five. Our eight, nine and eleven year olds helped out but it’s not the same as the help of older children (everyone was homeschooled at the time so there were no quiet mornings to clean up or cook in advance).
This becomes the reality for most families – the work that was shared by many becomes shared by fewer and fewer people at the same time the number of people being hosted increases.
As our children have married, my husband and I have shouldered most of the work that was previously done by that child. We are still raising a house of children and tending to many other responsibilities, and our work load keeps increasing. As much as I enjoy the holidays, it’s a massive amount of work beforehand, during the actual holiday, and then afterwards (cleanup this year includes washing sixteen sets of guest linens after Pesach).
Thank G-d, I’m organized, I work quickly, I have good stamina, I usually have a good attitude, our teen boys are very helpful – and everything gets done.
As I’m doing all that I do, I continually wonder how other mothers are doing it. Because while they may not have young children around as I still do, they are often older and not necessarily in as good health as I am. There are a lot of expectations and even if you keep things as simple as possible, there’s no way to bypass the work involved unless you take everyone away to a hotel.
I remember asking my first mechutenaiste (mother of the person our child married) after our children were engaged how she had space to have all of her married children at once time. My thought at the time was only on the logistics of hosting everyone together as our family expanded.
She answered, “Avivah, you’re going to see as you get older that you don’t want to have everyone over together. It becomes too much work, too much noise, and you’ll have one family over at a time.” I’m at the point where I’m seeing that shift happen.
To do the cooking for Sukkos back in October, I got up at 3 am for the two days leading to the holiday so that I could cook uninterrupted before the younger kids were around and would need most of my focus. For Pesach I didn’t get up earlier than five in the morning, because I don’t have to supervise the twins as intensely as I did then, so I could also work when they were awake.
Generally I’m glad that I can do all that I do and grateful for my visiting family. Sometimes, though, I feel my efforts are taken for granted and that’s very hard for me.
My primary love language is quality time; I’ll make the effort to spend time with others and appreciate when they do the same. My secondary love language that is almost as strong as my primary language is acts of service; that means I’ll extend myself and work hard for those I care about, but it also means that I perceive love when those around me, help me. Every person perceives and receives love in the way that they give it. When family members don’t want to be around except to eat and don’t offer to help, it’s a double challenge for me, and I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself that it doesn’t mean they don’t value or care about me.
Now, at the same time that I want to appreciate each person as they are and be accepting if helping isn’t something they want to do, I don’t want to be a martyr. I don’t think I can or should do everything on my own, so the issue becomes how and from whom to ask for help. Some married children notice how much I’m doing and want to step in and make it easier for me; others aren’t as geared towards helping in this way.
I try to honor my own need for rest and do what needs to be done in a way that won’t wear me out. For Sukkos and Pesach I use disposable dishes to reduce my workload. I make larger amounts of fewer dishes to simplify the menu. I don’t offer to babysit grandchildren in order to give their mothers a break, though sometimes when asked will agree.
I set boundaries around what I can and can’t do – for example, I’ve told them that we can pick them up from the bus stop twenty five minutes away to save them from needing to take a connecting bus that comes directly here, but not after a certain time of day and if more than one couple is coming, they have to coordinate among themselves because I no longer will make that pickup more than once.
One married child wanted to visit the Shabbos a week before Pesach and stay for a few days. At first I agreed, clarifying that they would have to take care of their own meals and meal clean-up, but then was honest with myself that it was too much pressure for me to have guests at a time when I had so much to do, and told them we would welcome their visit a different time instead.
With time everyone continues to shift and adjust, so I’m very much a work in progress. I would love to hear your experiences and insights into being a married child or parent of married children when being hosted or hosting; please share in the comments what makes things run smoothly or what have been the pitfalls and how you’ve learned to avoid them!
Avivah
Thank you for this thoughtful post!
I am a married, not a MIL (my oldest are still teens), but I have been wondering about this topic.
While I am very eager and willing to help, I find it difficult logistically.
At home, I am a pretty hands-off mother. I am happy for my kids to roam the house and specific outdoor areas without me hovering behind them. I don’t intervene in every fight, and don’t treat every glass of spilled juice as an emergency.
While at my in-laws (and to a lesser degree at my parents’ home) I find that I can’t do that. I need to be physically present because there are dangers that don’t exist at home, fragile items I need to be careful of, and because if I don’t clean up their messes immediately, my mother or mother-in-law feels obligated (and sometimes resentful) to do so.
That makes it challenging for me to leave the table and help serve during meals, or to let my kids play freely after the meal so I can help clean up. I might first try to settle them with toys and put the baby down for a nap, but by then the bulk of the work has been done and my help is token.
I don’t yet know of a solution, but what I’d love is a written list of tasks so that when I have time and availability to step in I can do so. At home I work best at night, and would be thrilled to peel a pot of potatoes and stick them in the fridge for the next day, or to straighten up the living room so it’s clean when everyone gets up.
These types of tasks, especially ones that will be appreciated if done but not devastating if not, are the best ways for me to contribute without feeling negatively pressured.
Thank you for your comment, Dina. I appreciate your sharing from your current perspective – this reminds me very much of how I felt when visiting my inlaws when the kids were young and I needed to spend so much energy and time on watching them much more closely than I needed to at home.
I really like your suggestion about having a list of tasks that someone can do if and when they want to. My teens have told me it would help them if they knew what needed to be done when I’m not around to delegate and suggested that I make a list. Sometimes it feels daunting to me to think ahead about all that needs to be done at the same time that I’m so busy with the doing in the moment, but there’s no question that it would be helpful for those who want to do something when they have a chance. Thank you!
Avivah, it really sounds like a lot. I think you’re in a relatively unique position of having more than a handful of marrieds, while at the same time small children that need a lot of time and care, much more than “normal”.
If you had only your biological children around (which is what most families have, that’s why I’m comparing) you would be able and probably happy to push yourself more .
You would have a bunch of marrieds coming for chag or vacation time, but no little ones that need hands on help or constant supervision. You could easily make your kitchen pesachdik a week early , cook and freeze and stock up a few things a day, and come into chag not feeling overwhelmed or overworked
There was a time that my mother made her kitchen pesachdik on Rosh Chodesh and that worked for her (now she’s at the point where she doesn’t host, but is hosted by the children).
During the chag also – I imagine if there weren’t little children around who need feeding, bathing, bedtime, etc – you would feel differently about taking care of grandchildren.
So this is the stage of life you’re at .
I got married when there were teenage girls still at home – who got married a few years later – so the expectation of chipping in at my parent’s home definitely changed over the years!
When we go, we bring along food items (mostly fresh things like salads or sides)
We bring linen – this makes a big difference
and if there’s more than 1 or 2 at a time – we set up a clearing/serving rotation for the meals.
Finances allowing, I would recommend you look into cleaning help for these periodic very heavy busy times.
Good luck! you sound like you’re doing an amazing job
Kaila, thank you for sharing! I so much appreciate hearing other experiences and perspectives.
You’re right, I’m in a situation most people aren’t in to the degree that I’m in – one person I spoke to about this said I need to validate to myself how much I’m doing because it’s so much.
It’s true that if I didn’t have as many hands on tasks for young children it would be different and I could do more. But I’m not sure about pushing myself more – we ask mothers to push themselves an enormous amount and it doesn’t usually stop until a mother physically can’t do it anymore.
I have one daughter in law who always brings salads, which is such a help, and another couple has asked us not to make their beds so they can make them when they come. I usually ask everyone to strip their beds and bring the sheets downstairs before they leave.
When everyone came for my birthday Shabbos, my daughter arranged a setting up/clearing rotation so that the work would be shared – they didn’t want me to do anything. The bulk of the work still fell on some of them with others being much less involved, and there was frustration about that. By looking from the outside at others doing the work I usually do (though I still had to supervise and care for our children, obviously, so I wasn’t sitting much) I could see clearly how very much work it is to have everyone.
We don’t set up a rotation at our home but it’s something to consider. I’m conscious of how much work the teens do and usually they’re glad to do it but in some situations I see that they don’t have a good feeling to be doing so much while married siblings don’t contribute much. A rotation would be helpful for that.
I had a close friend whose husband was an oldest and they were the hosts for all the younger married siblings and I watched her host for years. I remember her telling me the work on her had gotten to be onerous and they had set up a rotation for all the sister-in-laws to each cook a meal or serve.
Thanks for posting about this topic. Sometimes it can feel very lonely thinking that I am the only going through these things, and then to see it being written about by someone else is very validating. I am a mom/mil and still have 5 unmarrieds at home. I try to make the kitchen pesachdik a few days before I would really need to, and give myself a good two or even three days for full day cooking marathons. I try go into chag with all my food cooked and in the freezer. There are always things that have to be done on the erev, but knowing that the bulk of cooking just needs to be pulled out the freezer, is very helpful to me. I have learned also to really let go about the grandchildren mess and noise and just try focus on the positive of knowing they want to come and spend time with us. I do rely on my kids at home to help out and sit down with them to make lists before hand about what they will do and what I can and cannot expect. I find that if we put on loud music and all work together, it is a lot of fun for everyone and its less of a burden on them. Obviously as they marry and come back, I will have to change my way of doing things, but for my stage now, this works. I try not have expectations of my marrieds, and then if they are able to help, its a bonus.
Thank you for sharing this was helpful, Tracy – this was my impetus for sharing and I’m so glad to hear it was validating for you.
For years I’ve been a person who plans ahead, cooks ahead, has a lot done in advance – this year I just couldn’t do it because my day to day life is so intensely busy that I don’t have the ability to do things ahead. I’m out of the house a lot with extra appointments and meetings, and I can’t do things at home when I’m not there! But I think I could do more in advance than I do if I prioritized it.
I recently realized that the trouble I’m having keeping the kitchen consistently clean (not just Pesach and when there are extra guests) isn’t because I’m not organized, but because I’m not physically present enough to stay on top of everything. I kept telling myself I needed to be more on top of things until all of a sudden I had this realization that I have too much on my plate for one person. I spoke to someone before Pesach and am considering hiring her to come in a couple of times a week to help me out.
We also love putting on loud music for everyone to work together to – it creates an upbeat environment for everyone to work together in. My schedule is opposite my teens in that I’m up early and they’re available at night, but I’ve turned into a pumpkin by the time they’re around to help so usually their cleaning work is done without me around. They enjoy doing things together and that includes cleaning.
Thanks for speaking up and sharing your experience; I appreciate it so much and it will be helpful for the majority of readers who don’t say anything but are reading and taking it all in!
I gained a lot from this post. Thanks for sharing it.
I want to add something that I think adds perspective.
Perhaps the reason why this situation is so hard to do “right” is because it is an entirely new social dynamic and there is no “old wisdom” out there for how it should be managed.
In previous generations, married children often lived locally so they could come for visits/meals without moving in, or else they lived far away but transportation was difficult and expensive so they rarely came to stay.
Only in the last generation or two have we developed this social dynamic where married most married children live too far away to pop over but instead come to stay very often. Some women I know seem to be hosting, feeding and entertaining entire families every single week!
It is a very demanding setup for any human to manage, and like I said there are no tried-and-true rules to make it work.
Like you, each woman has to forge ahead and try figure out a path that works for her and her family.
Ideally we will develop some real wisdom for guiding ourselves and our children to do it better, and posts like this are the beginning of that.
So thanks for sharing.
And may you continue to have much nachas from your beautiful family.
Naomi, you’re making such a valuable point about this being a new dynamic. Someone a few days before I wrote this made a comment to me along those same lines, that “I never saw this kind of hosting at my parents and I’m figuring it out”. But your comments about this being a new historical norm have added depth to that sentiment.
As you said, if we all lived close to one another, it would be much easier for everyone because people could come for just a meal – no need to travel, sleep over, change kids’ schedules, etc. But having said that, I’m so incredibly grateful that all of my children live in Israel and we can be a regular presence in the lives of one another, and navigating all of this is part of the price for that precious opportunity.
Avivah, I didn’t answer right away as I was blown away that you courageously brought up the Topic. We bh’ have a couple marrieds and a couple singles. The singles do not live at home now. The first few years we decided to have both families come Shabbatot and Chagim together. Then the noise level (and mess) became to much for me that since I now have them come separately. So much easier for me now. I do want to add my treat for my children is they do not need to get up, serve, wash dishes etc. I enjoy if they offer but its my pleasure. I also love spending time with the grands so reading, playing games, cards, singing, more reading. What I do need is sweeping after meals, picking up toys the kids threw around, be the parent. Be responsible for your kids. (which they are). This Pesach I changed certain ways. We used only throw away plates, cups, (nice ones). I always say there is still alot to wash. I also bought 3 kugel, plus many desserts. That was a huge help for me. I am learning to cut back. also, if I need help I will ask my husband or adult child. It is very hard not to have help when you have family over. The catering was a little more than what I would pay but it helped my Chag and was more relaxed. My children (how could I not write this ) paid for cleaning help for me 2 weeks before pesach which was a huge help. but yes things can get very sticky if you dont set limits. ( I had cleaning help, Throw away plastic dishes, ,kugel and cake from caterer. Extremely big help.
Rachelli, thank you so much for sharing details of your experience and how you’re making it work! It gives me food for thought.
Wow Avivah, I was tired just *reading* all that you are doing. We don’t have any marrieds yet, but I sure hope we will someday.
I wonder if ahead of time you could send out a family email saying something like, “We really love hosting you all and hope to be able to continue doing so for years to come. To keep everything manageable, I’m going to take some advice that I received recently and make a list of tasks that I’d love help with while you’re all here, and if anyone is willing and able, I’d be very grateful! Also, would you all be willing to get on a meal rotation so each family cooks now and then but no one will have to do it all of the time?”
That’s just an idea, I’m sure you’d want to say things differently, but I think that communication beforehand is probably the key. You could put every single thing you can think of on the list, or all of the things that are overwhelming to you.
If this gets figured out now, then you COULD keep hosting for years to come and save the kids hotel costs, etc.!
Just some thoughts. 🙂
Kelly
Kelly, I love your suggestion and your phrasing is so perfect for the suggested email!