Friendship is something I’ve been thinking a lot about in the last week since my son got engaged.

The engagement was announced first thing in the morning on our community email list. One neighbor came over to say mazel tov. One person called.

And that was it. There was a huge, empty silence at the time we would have loved to have felt surrounded by the shared happiness of friends. It felt like people didn’t care.

I have good relationships with all of the women in our small community, and wondered why almost no one felt it was significant enough to pick up a phone, send an email, or even text a quick, “Mazel tov!”? Is twenty seconds too much time to spend on someone else?

All of these people probably had a thought of ‘how nice’ when they heard about the engagement. But it didn’t translate into any kind of action. I’m not going to analyze what has changed in the communication styles of people in the world at large though I think that’s the biggest factor.

I spoke to someone else who has been in the community much longer than I have and commented that something has changed in the years since I moved here, and this experience of mine reflected that. We seem to feel less connected to one another than we used to be. She agreed.

It’s not just my community that’s changed. There’s been a worldwide shift in how people communicate and people are becoming more comfortable interacting with a screen rather than real-life people. Though my community is much lighter on the tech than most, nonetheless we’ve been affected by the overall trends.

If you don’t like what you see in the society around you, you can feel like a victim, and be hurt or angry or insulted. Of you can recognize that if you want to see something different in the world around you, it begins with the person you see in the mirror.

I looked inwardly and asked myself, do I make that effort that I wished people would have made for me?

The answer was quick in coming – in a lot of ways I do, but when it comes to calling to verbally convey congratulations, that’s far from my strong suit. Making phone calls is a very weak point of mine and something I procrastinate a lot about. I’ve become less communally engaged than I was in the past, and can justify that in a number of ways, including saying how busy I am, and that the amount of people I have in my family to interact with takes all of my time and energy.

I could say that, and it’s true, but it’s not the complete truth. Everyone makes time for what’s important to him, and for various reasons I’ve put community effort on a back burner.

That same day my son’s engagement was posted, I learned that the son of someone I casually know had gotten engaged. She’s not in my community or someone that I’m particularly close with, but I know her enough that my call would be appreciated.

It took me three days but I picked up the thousand pound phone to make what ended up being an eight minute phone call, and made someone else feel seen and that their celebration was being shared. When I saw a sibling of the engaged man pulling out of the parking space, I jumped out of my car to stop her and congratulate her in person. Both of them were surprised and appreciative.

I also asked myself, what would make me feel connected to the people I know care about me, the friends I have many years of history with? I sat down over two nights and wrote personal emails to good friends in different parts of the world, sharing our good news. In the past I’ve sent out a standard email announcement to lots of people at once, which isn’t the same as an individualized message.

I don’t speak often to friends overseas – quite rarely, actually. It’s my phone issue again; add in the time difference and the busyness of everyone’s life, and easily a year or two goes by without speaking. In response to my email, two friends asked to schedule a time to talk in the next few days, which we did.

I have deep concern about how people are becoming increasingly isolated from one another, but just because it’s happening in society at large doesn’t mean I need to mindlessly participate. And I certainly don’t have to take it personally. I can look for ways to increase my own sense of social well-being and interconnectedness, and that’s what I’m going to continue to do.

Avivah